getting ready for it.

once again. as it tends to be played out over the past few months. i'm being nudged to update.

well my birthday is in a week. it's all starting to become more real that i'm going to be 21. i'm starting to feel young again. not that i'm going to go out and do anything but that i'm being brought back to reality. not that i think i'm older or anything but because of the people i'm around constantly and because of how my state of mind is so far ahead of those my age i find it easy to forget my age often. but yet i know my age but don't think of myself as a certain age. i'm just there feeling my intellectuality. (no i'm not saying i'm not trying to sound snobby.) but anyways. as i was saying, everyone lately has started mentioning it. by that i mean the past 3 days. i'm actually excited about this birthday. i feel it'll be the one i've been waiting for since i was seven. (you'd have to know all of my past to understand this)

i wish you'd write.

but yes as for my birthday on a more thoughtless conversation. i've been asked about 50 times where i'd like to go for dinner or what i'd like to do. i have no clue. i want it to be something casual, yet a more sit down place, yet decently priced (i don't like others paying), somewhere we can all talk but still be goofy. and of course something yummy. oh and possibly a good dessert selection. and in case you think i'm oh so picky and stubborn for whatever reason or snobby for working in a restaurant: due to my 'wants' for my choice. you're wrong. it's because im having two families go and i want everyone to be happy and i think that'd do it.

p.s. am i in checkmate or just check?

cotton candy rock candy and chocolate covered sunflower seeds.

you have stolen my heart. the worst part of it all is that you have no idea. it seems as though all of these magnificent things were happening and then just bam; it all seems to have ended. just like that.

nothing.

nothing left to say. or know what to do. how to feel.

just nothing.

please don't misconstrue this as some ballad of depression either. i just feel it all today and am a little down. tomorrow is a new day and i'll be fine. or though it seems to go.

today i looked back at some things...

'stolen', 'her', 'untitled', 'labeled', etc.

all to think of it. well not really to think of it, more it happened and i thought of it because of that. 

side note: cotton candy rock candy mixed with chocolate covered sunflowers seeds is quite delicious.

now to get my train of thought back... i'm not really to sure where i was going with that.

tonight i feel alone. not that 'i'm alone in this world and that no one feels how i do' alone but more 'i'm not sure how i could handle to be around people right now' alone. if that makes any sense to anyone else out there.

i was so open and honest for once.

blah.

take care of my heart until you give it back. [although if you'd like to keep it i'm willing to give it, i think.]

take it as is.

there are those days when i'm just going to be quiet. not for any reason in particular. just because. no one had to do anything. nothing had to be done. it's just how it is. i may be tired of it just for what it is. not because something had to happen in order for me to say it or feel that way.

wishing that when i close my eyes and wish that when i open them it all will really be happening.

not sure it ever will.

a week and two days before i fly out.

i need it.

if only it were mine to hold.

a few have been questioning as to why i haven't and when i'll update. some have just plain inquired. well here it is.

it's all i got.

she wore blue jeans and a rosary. she believed in God and believed in me.

i've been trying not to show and no one has seem to catch on yet i feel this will change it and not sure i want to yet i've got to be honest. i've been really down the past few days. and i mean really down. since thursday. trust me i have definitely had quite a few great, exciting moments yet overall just down. emotionally. blah.

things didn't go as i had assumed. yet we all know what that does. which is fine and all. in the end, it had changed. i don't think it was exactly what some wanted. i think it is the best they can do though. i appreciate the effort that is being made. although i'm not sure that what i would like will happen. not for any reasons that you could have prevented. i love you. you are the first in my life. i promise. yet it just sucks on certain days. you know. and blah.

jennifer is engaged. she will soon be mrs. leonardo rosa. i'm so happy for her. leo is a fantastic gentleman. and i'm pleased to call him my brother-in-law. he's so beyond amazing that this whole week he'll be fasting for their relationship. that takes a man of God in order to do that. it still astonishes me what all the Lord has done. i'm beyond grateful. my baby sister is getting married!

this is enough for tonight.

i just wish that when i am on my knees praying there would be someone there to hold my hand with me.

tonight please.

i really ought to be sleeping right now. i have a long day tomorrow and i really wanted to get a head start so i can hopefully finish up some extra stuff. along with the fact that ay is back tomorrow and i'm so ready to catch up and just yeah.

questions being replayed in my head.

'just wondering'

argh.

yeah right. i would highly doubt that would happen. it'd be great if it did yet i highly doubt it.

one more week.

blah.

tonight it's not really insomnia. it's that i can't get you out of my mind. i keep thinking, obviously far to much.

so i'm sitting here just watching scrubs.

God,

please grant me peace and rest tonight.

oh and would you please mind taking away this pain i'm feeling tonight. i've been tossing and turning and it just hurts so bad.

thanks.

blah.

ah.

you're down today.

i'm trying to be as helpful as i can.

be that voice of comfort.

i know i'm not. or feel as if i'm not.

the sad part is all i want to do is hide under the covers.

yet i want you to feel better.

i just.

ugh.

never mind.

i'm willing to take this risk...

take it with me?

'hey personal question don't have to answer: but what is it about me u find attractive?'

'physically or emotionally?'

'both.'

'okay. physically. you have some amazing eyes that seem to say something more than your words could every express and they intrigue me, your smile is this elegant charm you have, you hold yourself up very confidently. i also like the way you have your hair and facial hair. emotionally. no matter if you are around or not, whenever i see you, hear your name, your voice anything it makes me smile. you make me feel comfortable to be around you. you always have. you're very smart. not afraid to take a risk yet have more of a heart than you let on. you're very protective and honest. you have this strong confidence about you. yet are so mysterious. you make me laugh. you also make my mind go crazy and i strive to make everything just right because i feel you deserve something more.'