missing the right words...

so many things that i wish to not speak of. they are there constantly smacking me in the face. knocking me off my feet. flipping me over. making everything else in my life stop just to make sure this goes perfectly well. i'm at a point where i'm not really feeling any emotions except that i have to relieve her and do the most that i possibly can to relieve her stress and i have to protect them so they don't get hurt and don't think it is their fault. oh how that hurts. it is not their fault!!!! that is about as far as my emotions are going on that, is that it hurts to see them hurting. ¿quiere usted escaparse conmigo? oh how i wish i really could. is london really going to happen. who knows where we'll be then. what about thanksgiving? his birthday? as much as i wish not to be there, i know i should. and what about for them? what about christmas? it's all here and what now? i miss her so much. it's finally hitting me now on the 3rd day. this morning as i sit here and type normally i would see her going off to school. about the most that i would probably see her unless she came home on wed. and if i did too. it's all going on right now. i wish that i could be there with her to hold her hand and guide her in the right steps. but i'm here and trying to do the same thing here with everyone else. i wish that time would stop and i could go to london and come back and i could help then. ugh. only if that really could happen. as i sit here and pretend that i know nothing of what is happening but really knowing she is doing something that should of been done a long time ago but how bad will it be hurting after that last paper is signed. i offered for me to be there with her but she doesn't want me to take off of work. maybe it is God letting her do this by herself so she can keep being built up to be strong for this. it is so hard to do. just watch her do all this work that i wish i could just change everything and it would all be ok.
thank God for markandsarah. last night i got to eat with them at mamma's cafe. there's no place like the cafe... oh they made me laugh and i forgot it for so long and then i thought about it and mark asked more questions. even though i really don't know to much to say it felt good to talk. i love them so much. God has just strengthened our relationship so much and i'm so happy and blessed to have their friendship. i truly love hanging out with them. sarah and i should be doing our Bible study today hopefully. i think that will be really good. i'm excited. maybe i will bring over a movie for sarah to laugh. i love showing her funny movies. i hope her and marlon can meet too. i know God is building something there. sarah is so amazing.
oh how good it is to here them laugh. wondering what is really going on in their heads though. they laugh a lot but say they are afraid. what are they thinking right now?
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