the coldest yet

yes i know.
i've been slacking.
it's been sometime since i've updated. so here we are. here's what's happening.
here is the inside to me.
as much for comfort.
the one and only fear is back. the one that brings the 'fears' people say i have. it's tormenting me. it has come as soon as i was in the process of checking the last clip to make sure it was all secure and starting to climb this mountain of a journey. then there was that one pebble that somehow seemed to go unnoticed yet all it wanted to do was to warn about the avalanche that was about to come. i'm not quite sure what it is. maybe i may not speak it properly but all i want is to leave me be. stop torturing me.i finally was able to get the knife out and start healing and then all of a sudden from behind it's there at my neck again. waiting to seep into this plaster skin of mine. just stay away. i will go down dying in this fight before i allow it to come back. i didn't allow it then what makes you think i would now. when i said it's through and it ended, did that mean nothing? do you think this is a game. AH! your voice is enough. it's a bullet in me every time i hear it. ugh forget this.

this infatuation has become more.
what more is i don't know.
where it will go i don't know.
it's a great feeling.
except the past few days.
but maybe my dirty little secret was right.
maybe it is good.
two more days.
what does all this mean?
why is it the situation tends to be the same... maybe a little more each time. yet the result keeps staying the same.
ugh.
just need to keep praying.
maybe i thought more than i heard.

it's freezing right now.
i'm shivering almost.
i don't get this cold.
oh well.

broken.
empty.
stolen.
thankful.
hurt.
joyful.
pounding.
calming.
new shoes.
lets get down and dirty baby.
i keep calling you to see if you're sleeping.
and if you're sleeping are you dreaming.
and if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
i can't believe...

meeting with myself.

i toast to those who have more strength than i.
did i really admit that.
been lost and consumed with thoughts.
life is hectic.
unspoken words with hands that move off beat.
i hate it.
stop.
i'm ready to disappear.
where will the day lead.
shuffle my feet to beat on the city street.
in 1973.
how if he were a rich man.
chapped lips.
jones cream soda.
by the can.
vernors.
creatures.
three-thousand miles apart.
make this all make sense.
make me stand in astonishment once again.
my eyes are wandering.
my thoughts are broken pieces.
my heart is burning.
stuck.
with a broken body.
i feel nothing.
i feel every little ounce of the pull.
no i'm not contradicting myself.
only if you knew.
only if you understood what this all meant.
only if i knew what this all meant.

the worst day of rememberence...

so much to write about not sure where to start.
9.11 i suppose.
been pretty upset all week about it. haven't quite figured out the words to say about it. still haven't. but here we go.
have i told you how arrogant, close-minded, two-faced, stuck up, a-holes people are. well if not let me tell you. they are! i am still in complete and utter shock of what i heard this year on the 11th of september about what happened six years ago.
let me remind you of every ones reaction six years ago. 'that's not possible. that's an awful joke... (many shocked faces as they stared in disbelief at the television and what it portrayed. then the tears) i can't believe this... (lots of prayers, people showing up at churches all over the country)'
a few months later the war broke out. reactions. 'finally. someone needed to do something. they are going to get what they deserve. etc.'
6 years later.
reactions...
'stupid bush needs to pull us out of there and bring all the soldiers home. thankfully he's almost out of office'
'all that's happening is more and more get killed and nothing else' (excuse me but get your snobby nose out of the effing news for one minute and take in the smell of all that has been done over there)
'new yorkers just need to get over it and stop being scared of the world' (this is the one that has pissed me off the most. well let me go and fly a hijacked plane into the middle of houston... oh wait it still wouldn't do as much damage that was done six years ago. family, friends, coworkers, long lost friends, lovers, schoolmates, strangers , were killed in an instant if not after suffering one of the longest excruciating deaths that you could. some took days to finally die. all of them were someones son or daughter, someones mom or dad, someones brother or sister, someones wife or husband, someones boyfriend or girlfriend, someones grandmother or grandfather, someones granddaughter or grandson, someones niece or nephew, someones uncle or aunt, someones cousin, someones... how the hell are you going to say get over it. i really think that it's time to have everyone sit down and watch the tape play of what happened six years ago. the day america stopped. you obviously don't quite remember. and on that as well i would like you to let your husband or wife, daughter or son, or whomever they may be go through a cloud of dust filled with a building that had been standing for 31 years, pieces of a hijacked plane, and dismembered body parts while carrying some of the heaviest equipment just to try not even knowing if it would be accomplished to save another's live but in the mean time giving up your own.
ugh i can't stand people.
i can't do anymore of this.

my eyes are shutting.

i have to make a decision by tomorrow. not to sure what to do. my answer will probably be to let go. either way. it sucks having the risk of a friendship. especially when you are the one to make the decision. ugh.
tonight i went to this thing for mr. tony. it was landmark forum stuff. it was pretty cool. i really would be interested in doing it but it's 100$ deposit and then an additional 300$ and then if you go to more seminars 110$. just amounts to a lot of money that i could use on so many other things right now. i really liked it. kevin bass was a pretty cool guy. he made me smile.
'you're damn right everything is going smooth'
ugh.
so arod is 0 for 20. i prayed for him to 'bad' just so he wouldn't hit his 500 with out me being there to see but this is just flat out ridiculous. who said he was allowed to suck.
i get to go home to new york in 9 days. i can't wait. i miss it so much. i miss everyone. houston is ok. but new york is where i belong.
i'm exhausted. go to end this. sorry but just been a long week and tomorrow is a rough day.

words.

who is this creature you speak of?
just follow your instinct.
i feel the same. i could not lose this friendship.
you'll be there right?
can we talk tomorrow?
again.
i miss you.
i'm so proud of you.
well someone's got to break it.
it's okay it's the cold hard truth.
it has to be told that way.
i told you she was going to die.
you're killing me smalls.
because her boyfriend made her.
i just want to go home.
a top hat?
you're always cold.
having a rough day?
where's your shirt?
thank-you.
at least we can't lose today.
i want candy.

i'm.

i'm stressed. i'm tired. i'm confused. i'm upset. i'm happy. i'm calm. i'm worried. i'm afraid. i'm stirred. i'm struck. i'm proud. i'm doing everything except for sleeping. the one thing i should be doing.

in pain.

it's been a while.
the yankees won tonight.
my body is tense even though that was my hope tonight was to not be. maybe because i've been so tense lately. maybe it is just time to have that surgery. to stop worrying about everything else.
i'm going home with my mom, and my siblings august 10-17. i will be back for my birthday but will still be able to celebrate with my creature. it's our 20th. even though she will have been it for 5 months. it's still our tradition that we plan on keeping.
been to a lot of astros games this year. it's a little different. as i sit and watch them while richard is dosing off and on. suz and matthew are at the game in club level ll i think it's 223 or 224 or something. the phillies right fielder today jumped completely in the air so much that he was sideways to catch a foul ball and landing in the stands. that's what baseball is all about. is having the love of the game enough to do whatever it takes to get that one out because that is all that you can focus on at that moment. to bad there are not more players like him.
my hair is short.
i do enjoy it quite a bit.
my shoulder gets tired styling it.
it's how i want it.
i've found another amazing friend. i can't wait to get to know them better and see them more.
i'm worn from the party yesterday. i am having lunch with my best friend who i have not been able to get together with in forever due to so many things. i can't wait. there will be tears and laughter. so much that is needed to catch up on.
my neck is killing me. my shoulder feels as if a boulder slammed it into a brick wall and then stabbed me with 3 metal poles and left them there.
i'm off to lie down.