belong?

i'm finally back in houston. i got here at 11 but took forever to get to my house and all that good stuff. as we went down the runway i saw flying tiger (one of my favorite restaurants in buffalo) and i just started to cry to myself (i hate crying). yesterday would have been my grandma's 78 birthday but she passed away last july and it's time for the 'august birthday's' (hers and mine) just about every year we would go to flying tiger and then to dick's sporting goods for our birthday's. it was always my choice and her treat she would never let me help pay and she would never choose where to go. and then it came to my attention a little over a year ago is when things started to seem to get a lot tuffer in my life and i started losing a lot of things/people that were very close to me. and here i am a year later still in houston missing everything from a far. but i don't know if i could even handle to be in buffalo or if i could leave all of my friends and kaleo family. but then when i got back to houston and saw all of the mexicans LAUREN!! (just kidding) no but seriously when i saw lauren i felt comforted and knew that it's just as welcoming as buffalo but it will always be my buffalo and it will always be the best city. i miss it but i keep thinking in less than 3 weeks i will be back and i will be taking lauren to my buffalo to meet my dad and the rest of my family and that makes me more excited than a lot of the things right now. (my dad has never met any of my friends and none of my friends have ever been to my buffalo before) i'm struggling so hard with making that last snap of forgiveness. i don't understand just about everything that happened in the past but i don't think i ever will. i just can't seem to let a lot of that hatred go. knowing that i have to. i'm hurting so bad right now. and when i finally heard my dad's voice the other day i just wanted to hide from everything. i wanted time to stand still. i wanted to go back in time and have everything get changed. but all i could do was let the anger build up in me and just thrive in me. i just can't seem to take one more burden or whatever you want to call it right now. it's all in God's hands. and he is so completely beyond words amazing. but i'm being hurt so much by all of this. i just want to feel that burning not in my heart but knowing that it will still be there if i do...