it's as if that needle were in me shooting me with the vaccine: pain

what to do when your life seems to pretty much mean nothing to you any more. not that i don't want to live life. i'm just over whelmed. i'm fed up with the things that are going on. not sure how much more of this crazy life i can take. and here i am sitting here pondering over it because there is nothing else to do. it's a waiting game in this thing they call life. something happens. please wait. makes me think of please enjoy the music while your party is reached. how can i enjoy the music when i know that it's not good at this moment. even if the outcome may be good. there is no telling. there's faith. which i have. but i can't be happy. i just want that one person who is on my mind to be here and to hold me. to teach me this part of life that i don't know how to live. i'm struggling with so many things right now. what do you call this that i'm feeling. from my opening sentence some people may think suicidal which is not true. i would never do that no matter what. there is always a way out without that. but it's just what do you do when you get to this point that you think you can't be that person you've been all these years. you can't stand their with a smile and open arms telling them it will be ok i promise if not i will fix it myself. you can't look into their eyes and see their pain anymore because you are afraid of them finally seeing through your eyes and seeing your own. or that they may see that you are just as afraid as they are and have always been. as much as i hate that man i almost wish he were still here because i had no fears when he was around. nothing could stop me. nothing could bring me down. as much as i allowed him to get to me i could still take the challenge. nothing in the world stopped me from doing what i wanted to do. no fears. now i have all of these fears. i feel like i'm 7 all over again. maybe that's right feeling wise i am that's where it stopped why not pick back up there. whatever i can't take this. nor can i take myself being like this.

to the one who is on my mind. you may not know but i hope you figure it out. please help me help myself.