to the one that holds the key...

just going to write this no corrections. rough draft.

just one shot.

as said.

please look openly.

here i just sit. having something. have had it for a very long time. not able to give. there is more than what the surface shows though.

those eyes that i so long to see. they make me weak. they either make my heart race or stop. i try to play what you feel i am. mysterious. please look deeper... after you get past the hurt you see there will be this part of me that no one has ever been able to see. you and 3 others are the only ones who have touched it. and even then i've barely let them see that. my lauren. mi papi. nicole.

i know i'm what stops you. but that's all i've known how to do. please help me let you get there.

i want so badly to tell you all that i hold to myself.

that sweet song you whisper in my ear. i hurt you (well i feel as if so...) by saying whatever. not so much to think about it because it's become a habit. but here in this place i'm swooning. i'm overjoyed. i want to say so much back but feel it's not right.

you say maybe later.

i say no.

but truthful i'm to afraid to go there.

the day i said there's another guy. it was a lie. it was to stop before...

before what i don't know. that's as close as i've ever gotten. i don't know what comes next. you're the most i've ever had.

i want to stop hiding.

i want to stop hurting.

i want you to see what i'm thinking.

i said you would fall asleep. you said there's something more. isn't there always?

i'm afraid that you are to close. that i'll let you come to this place and that in the end i will be hurt. i trust you so much that i want to put that aside. but you know how the beatings have gone and i'm struggling with differentiating amongst the two.

my jokes. i'm sarcastic. a jerk.

i want so badly the way when it's just us for that to be the way it always is. jokes. but fun. a smile.

i'm getting dizzy.

my heart has been shattered. and shattered even more. time and time again. from so many things. the things you say to me, what you let me hear, what you let me see has only helped me start to figure out who to put it back together.

i only want more of our conversations.

so much to say. i need to let you see this before i never do. i wrote this about a month or two ago. do with my words as you please...

the beating (again)

there you were

you knew me and i knew you so well

catching a glimpse of you

your eyes are captivating me

i hold my gaze there as if it were the last time

you try to see through

see my thoughts

well here they are

your heart, a melody

your whisper in my ear, a sweet song

your eyes, a story

my head on your shoulders

i never want to leave

we say we don't belong

is that right

or is it a fear

should we take this risk

your hand scrapes mine

the butterflies come

my heart is racing

there is no rhyme or reason to the way it's written. that's the way i wrote it out on paper. a thought per line.

it seems so stupid now but the thoughts and memories in my head are what's behind those words.

i hope you take those words the right way.

i hope you even take the time to read all this that i'm writing.

i'm wiping my cheek to get rid of the wetness.

i'm shaking.

wishing i could have more of an instance response. yet so afraid.

hoping that i will even get one.

there is so much going on right now. i want you to be the one i share my words with about it.

i want you to see my work.

i want you to be apart of it.

there is a part of me that is aggravated. not from the 'conversation' just had. more from the actions. i've done it to. but it's hurting either way.

i wish so badly we could talk...