i'm just a girl trying to relearn life. the one thing that i missed 'growing up' which i feel that i had done way to early. i want to 'me' again. i want to make people laugh the way i used to. when he left i took on as much responsibility as i could. then i killed myself. after that things kept falling apart and i had to step up again. i want to be the one following. i want to wear a t-shirt under my tie, with a suit, with my chucks, with my hat and be there singing ever word. because i know them all so well. i want to sing and dance because i don't care what anyone thinks. i hope it makes them laugh but i don't care more than that. i want to smile alot. even though there still is a lot behind these eyes.
this week has sucked. alot. there's been alot of thoughts of the past already as you may know. but last tuesday. those words struck me. they hurt me beyond what i had prepared myself for. and that's the thing i had prepared myself for the next time. but i thought things were going well. i was not expecting those things to be said. i let the water run down my face and you could not tell that there were water running through my eyes. then that just wasn't enough.
i ruined 4.5months with a brick.
i had struggled so hard to get there. through my mom being in the hospital. to finding out the kids have the same thing. to that conversation at work. to connie being in the hospital. to everything else. until those words. they ripped it all away. how could i let that happen.
i feel disgusted by myself.
is that even possible. is that even right. i feel violated. because someone came in and ripped it all away again. and yes i am the one that allowed it. but i know why. and that's the part that sucks the most. it was the trigger to remind me of how things were and i felt as if it were all happening again.
you may not understand. and that's ok. you never will unless you had to be in this spot. which i pray every day that no one will have to be there again.
it hurts to think about and that's what has been on my mind almost all week. i'll have my moments when it strikes me.
i'm trying to move on but i think about it and how it was 'resolved' and it hurts.
this week has sucked. alot. there's been alot of thoughts of the past already as you may know. but last tuesday. those words struck me. they hurt me beyond what i had prepared myself for. and that's the thing i had prepared myself for the next time. but i thought things were going well. i was not expecting those things to be said. i let the water run down my face and you could not tell that there were water running through my eyes. then that just wasn't enough.
i ruined 4.5months with a brick.
i had struggled so hard to get there. through my mom being in the hospital. to finding out the kids have the same thing. to that conversation at work. to connie being in the hospital. to everything else. until those words. they ripped it all away. how could i let that happen.
i feel disgusted by myself.
is that even possible. is that even right. i feel violated. because someone came in and ripped it all away again. and yes i am the one that allowed it. but i know why. and that's the part that sucks the most. it was the trigger to remind me of how things were and i felt as if it were all happening again.
you may not understand. and that's ok. you never will unless you had to be in this spot. which i pray every day that no one will have to be there again.
it hurts to think about and that's what has been on my mind almost all week. i'll have my moments when it strikes me.
i'm trying to move on but i think about it and how it was 'resolved' and it hurts.
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