missing the right words...

so many things that i wish to not speak of. they are there constantly smacking me in the face. knocking me off my feet. flipping me over. making everything else in my life stop just to make sure this goes perfectly well. i'm at a point where i'm not really feeling any emotions except that i have to relieve her and do the most that i possibly can to relieve her stress and i have to protect them so they don't get hurt and don't think it is their fault. oh how that hurts. it is not their fault!!!! that is about as far as my emotions are going on that, is that it hurts to see them hurting. ¿quiere usted escaparse conmigo? oh how i wish i really could. is london really going to happen. who knows where we'll be then. what about thanksgiving? his birthday? as much as i wish not to be there, i know i should. and what about for them? what about christmas? it's all here and what now? i miss her so much. it's finally hitting me now on the 3rd day. this morning as i sit here and type normally i would see her going off to school. about the most that i would probably see her unless she came home on wed. and if i did too. it's all going on right now. i wish that i could be there with her to hold her hand and guide her in the right steps. but i'm here and trying to do the same thing here with everyone else. i wish that time would stop and i could go to london and come back and i could help then. ugh. only if that really could happen. as i sit here and pretend that i know nothing of what is happening but really knowing she is doing something that should of been done a long time ago but how bad will it be hurting after that last paper is signed. i offered for me to be there with her but she doesn't want me to take off of work. maybe it is God letting her do this by herself so she can keep being built up to be strong for this. it is so hard to do. just watch her do all this work that i wish i could just change everything and it would all be ok.
thank God for markandsarah. last night i got to eat with them at mamma's cafe. there's no place like the cafe... oh they made me laugh and i forgot it for so long and then i thought about it and mark asked more questions. even though i really don't know to much to say it felt good to talk. i love them so much. God has just strengthened our relationship so much and i'm so happy and blessed to have their friendship. i truly love hanging out with them. sarah and i should be doing our Bible study today hopefully. i think that will be really good. i'm excited. maybe i will bring over a movie for sarah to laugh. i love showing her funny movies. i hope her and marlon can meet too. i know God is building something there. sarah is so amazing.
oh how good it is to here them laugh. wondering what is really going on in their heads though. they laugh a lot but say they are afraid. what are they thinking right now?
...

dinner with my amazing sister...

well i found out some more upsetting news today. but in the end i suppose it is good. well yeah part of it is really good but the rest is total crap. well after work (today i saw some old high school teachers there. it was interesting. i found out my oa knows lil steve. how weird...) i got to dinner with my sister. after a long decision making process that really was going in circles we ended up at pappasito's. we both love it here. (obviously i do) well of course seeing that it is a friday night they were on a wait. well while waiting jennifer wanted to say hi to one of the bartenders she knows so we walked over to say hi and on our way back to where we had been waiting we passed this guy that jennifer thought his hair was really weird. well i didn't see so we go to walk back so i could see. well as we are getting closer she points at him. well who else could this guy be but my marvin!!! i love his hair. gosh. everybody loves his hair. except for jennifer and lauren. well that was weird. and i look like absolute crap! ugh. well anyways he was quiet for marvin when i see him normally. (but last time when i met his mom he was the same way.) well anyways i got to meet his mom and sister again. and i got to meet the mr. marvin odum sr./jr. (there is really like 4 of them i think. somewhere around that number) he was polite but didn't talk to much. his mom was really talkative to me. and it was cute normally when people at work ask questions to him he looks at me and half the time i wind up answering them. well today with out my look he would answer the questions his mom asked me. he knew all my job titles! i have quite a few. lets see, head host. to-go server. training coordinator. banquest coordinater assistant. office assistant. yeah wow. it made me happy that we ran into him. well he sat close to the front while we sat close to the back. well a lot through dinner i would catch his mom and him looking at us and when they caught me looking they would smile and you would see marvin saying something. well in order for his mom to see us she had to turn all the way around. we were behind her. wondering what they were doing and what they were talking about.?!. but it was defintely a good dinner. i'm just thinking about a lot of stuff and i'm tired of thinking.

tim burton. marvin odum jr. chicken&dumplings-sito's. sarah.

this will be a real post. seeing that i haven't really been updating that much lately and that my last post was a short one because i had to go to work but i wanted to write. well anywho here it is.
let's start with monday. monday was my first day for to-go training. since i do it all the time but have never been officially trained they decided i should probably be trained. it was really fun. i scored a 100. then i met up with lauren and then we sat in so much freaking traffic to get over to the alamo draft house to see edward scissorhands with michael and his mom. it was awesome. first because i just love that movie. (i love tim burton films and if you realize johnny depp is in most of them and i don't think he is that cute or anything but i love his acting. but yes i'm in love with tim burton films. charlie and the chocolate factory, edward scissorhands, sleepy hollow, etc.) second because i've never been to a dinner movie theatre. i loved my food. then michael, lauren and i went to starbuck's/barnes and nobles and lauren and i got some white chocolate thing it was good. it was awesome just to spend time with them. i got some more postcards too. YAY!! i love love love the postcards barnes and noble has. ask me and i will show all the ones i have. well that was monday
now for tuesday. had my second day of training. and again i passed (don't know score didn't tell me. i got one or two questions wrong on my test though.) it was awesome. i cooked!!! yes it's true. i do not lie. (for those of you who don't know. i don't cook!! and when i try i wouldn't even try it myself.) well a cook helped me cook 7 of our plates. i did all the work angel just told me what to do. we cooked our 6 combo plates so i could learn them better and our taco suprema just because a guest ordered it(this was the most fun because i got to drizzle the chipotle sauce and sour cream sauce) i also love chopping the fajita meat. oh so fun. the knife is huge and i didn't cut myself once. go me. after this i got to try them all and then the 4 servers that were there and i got to eat them all. yummy. everyone liked them and they tasted just the same as when the cooks make them.! i didn't think i could do it. then i met up with lauren. talked to marvin a couple times. we stopped at the mall to get dinner. lauren's: chocolate chip double doozie, chick-fil-a chicken nuggets, waffle fries, dr. pepper very little ice. mine: original pretzel with salt, m&m double doozie, chick-fil-a's sweet tea(the best i've tried yet.) i got the largest cup they have. mmm... then we went and picked marvin up. he is drop dead gorgeous to me. and he smelled really good. (i think because i've started falling for him i pay attention to these little things or maybe it is like mr. brown cow says i'm a girl around marvin) i like his cologne. then we went to community group at the glaser's house. it was awesome. marvin is so funny. i know when he is paying attention and when he is just acting it. the whole time he was leaning forward and immediately as someone would talk from the other side of the room his head would switch before the first syllable was out. and then he was pulling at his eyelid. weirdo. (sarah saw too. so weird) the best part i think was when we were using ryan's Bible and it's small and marvin goes is this the whole Bible? i almost died laughing. he has never seen a Bible so small. he's been raised in a catholic church all his life. he really liked it though and wants to come back and wants to go to the gathering but this weekend he will be in austin for a wedding. then markandsarah, lauren, marvin and i went to amy's for icecream. marvin and i had never been. it was good but i didn't think anything to extraordinary of it. then we took marvin home. on the way home... yes we did it we put one of nsync's songs on and sang to it again as if we were our preteen bop girls. i think he thought we were a little strange. it's ok. oh yeah he payed for my icecream and wouldn't let me. it made me smile. i like marvin odum jr. ...a lot.
now wed. pappadeaux closed so they pulled me from training to host because they thought it would be exteremly busy. hardly. then i had to go take the lie test. i passed. see told you i don't lie. then i went home for a bit. then i talked to sarah and i left to go and get some pappasito's to surprise her and her family for dinner. i got us campfire shrimp(comes with fajitas so i got them mixed), shrimp quesadillas(yummy), and mixed fajitas. mmmm..... i had to smell it all the way to her house. well i'm about 2 or 3 minutes away and i get a phone call from her. i knew it had to do with dinner. shoot. i'm almost there. then sarah asks do you like chicken and dumplings. (i love chicken and dumplings) i paused didn't know what to say. i wanted to get the food there. oh well. i get there and oh so surprised. so we spent sometime talking and playing(because sarah invited me to come play with her. silly girl) then we went to blockbusters and got tommy boy because sarah said that i had to see it. and we walked over to krogers and got swedish fish(my daddy's favorites) and sour patch kids(which without fail my dad and i get when we go to the theatre to catch a flick, we share them. my stepmom thinks we are growse) (how weird made me think of my dad a lot) then we went home and now dinner was ready. so we had chicken and dumplings and pappasito's. weird combo but we all enjoyed it so much and i was about to pop when i was done eating. i love sarah. sarah and i played some more until bonnie, charles, and mark got there and ate some food while talking about their band. i love them too. then after they left we watched 'the stepfather' sarah's family's home made version. oh daniel... makes me laugh, then we watched tommy boy. oh so funny. i love david spade. made it even better. i'm glad this night was spent with sarah. took my mind off stuff, realized a bunch of new things, got to hang out with my best friend and so many amazing friends. but mostly i spent time with sarah, my best friend, and that felt extravagant.
today. not to much. weird mood. but i'm thinking about things i don't really want to.
but i'm also thinking of marvin...

brick wall of hatred

Can't
Protect
Self

gosh life is so hard to handle sometimes. i can't wait until tomorrow night to see mr. magnetic poetry. i know he is going to have the advice that i need to hear. he's going to feel the same with almost as much as i do. i think.

marvin. marvin came to tuesday's community group. i'm so happy. he really liked it and i'm glad. he wants to keep coming he said. it made me smile. still is. markandsarah, lauren, marvin, and i went to amy's for ice cream.

i think i'm falling for marvin.

why have tears. they do absolutely nothing.

why i'm fighting back what i want to do so bad. i don't know. i know it will hurt. but i want that hurt i think. i'm hurting to much not from anything emotional from him this time but that what he says just gets me so angry and that i can feel and want to do things i know are so wrong but i just don't care. that's where the hurt it. ugh. i hate this. and then my cousin. my favorite person. if our mom were the same instead of sisters we would be twins. and she's hurting all the way up there. gosh. what to do. ugh. just struggling so bad. i hate this. i just want to leave. go away. never see him again. ever. ever. where is mr. magnet poetry?? oh. i just can't stand this. and i can't stand that tear that keeps coming to my eye that i refuse to let go any further. why does this have to hurt so much. i can't stand to take any more of it. i need to get away. get away from it all.

yo le odio. ahora lo que es usted yendo a hacer.

i'm holding everything i have in me not to punch. it is making just want to scream out. there are some many things that i want to say because i know that they'll make him hurt and that's all that i want him to feel. how stupid can someone be. ugh. this is driving me insane. i'm trying to not to shed that one tear that just keeps coming. i have to run away from it. i feel no fear or not one bit of love nor like. everyone is terrified. i wish that it would just happen one more time to me and that it would end it all... for good. i get physically ill. all i can hear is that voice that just gets me so angry. or even just seeing that truck. ugh. i've been having no emotions since friday night except for the anger that is built up inside me and it keeps building. i want to so badly take my fist and show... ugh. last night for a few moments i had forgotten it all. and it made me feel good. it was with my bestfriend and her amazing boyfriend. how good it felt to know that everything is the way it should be there. there is that voice. it's my key to go.

hard like rock marshmallows...

i love sarahandmark. i love the townhouse. i love pappasito's. yesterday was a really good day. i had work in the morning. then after i got off i met up with lauren and we ate at panera bread. then we went shopping while we waited for her cookie cake that she was taking to work to get finished. of course it took us forever to find something seeing that friday marvin and i are getting dinner together. where, what the dress code is, everything... i don't know. he won't tell me. i can only guess and hope that i look good and am dressed right. ugh. boys. tonight i get to work with him. well anyways after that lauren had to go back to work and i went to go see markandsarah's townhouse and for sarah and i to do our Bible study. the townhouse is great and it doesn't matter that they don't have it totally furnished because they are great and you don't need furniture to have a good time. i love them. then sarah and i went away from mark so we could do our Bible study. oh i love her. i love God so much. He is making us grow so much closer and learning ways to help each other and to stay strong with Him. it's so amazing to see what He's done in that relationship and to see what He's doing in sarah's life. afterwards we sat around and laughed at hard marshmallows. oh sarah. silly girl. and then we decided to eat at the hole in the wall chinese place. well while we were pulling out sarah remembered they only take cash so then we decided to go to pappasito's. we decided to eat outside. while we were sitting down we saw this couple a table away that goes to st. mark that mark new from his ministry there. we had chipotle shrimp for an appetizer. ( yes chipotle is a spice not just a restaurant. hehe. just kidding) then mark had chicken enchiladas with salsa verde. sarah and i shared queso flamillado with chicken. we really enjoyed it. i love that couple so much. God has really formed a great relationship and let me have a friendship there with them. how amazing is that. this weekend sarah and i might be spending the night together. that's cool. i'm happy today and i'm looking forward to tonight.