i'm here to write. just to let it all out. all of this is going on and i can't take it. there is so much love there that i want to be there as well. but then i have to remember what would happen in a heartbeat if something changed. it just hurts to know all this. i won't be there for a long time. it's hard. i have a lot of great people supporting. i've sadly cried near to almost every day. i don't cry. ugh. then there's all this other stuff. what was said? is it a repeat of the past. i pray that it won't be. and how do you say i'm immature. i don't need to be looked out for. i've done that for myself and a family for way to long that i don't need help now. that really hurts to hear all this. that's not what should be said at all. i haven't said anything now for about 2 weeks. but i can't handle it anymore. every time there's a discussion these thoughts are going through my head. do you not remember what happened almost 2 years ago. i've never told anything. i never will. but it hurts to know that this may be stopped by words from someone who should be fully supportive. if you had talked to me like you should be you would then know that they are being more helpful to me than anyone right now. and if you really wanted to look out for me you would allow this all. i won't let anyone do to me what was already done. don't you get that. you know how i stand with that all and that i will not take anything. i was there for you when all was going on there. i had to point things out to you! but suddenly i'm the one who needs help. well i'm sorry but if i wanted that i would ask. i asked you to do something different. and suddenly i've become young when 2 years ago there was no separation. i just don't get it. i've given this my all for it to almost be turned on me. it's becoming repetitive. my shoulder has been driving me insane. it's spreading. but i can't say anything. and no none of you will understand. i know what you will all say. and i know. but i can't. so please just leave it be. if i'm ok to handle it then let me. where have you gone. why does it all of a sudden just stop. i said no. i'm sorry. but i need you. i need your words now. as much as my heart has been hurt i'm feeling better than i have in such a long time. the stress may be there still but it's not as intense and that's what i need.
softball practice tonight...
no tears today.
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