ugh.

am i feeling more compassionate or am i looking for something...

the link...

there are so many thoughts that are going through my head. it seems so hard to sort them at times. there is this amazing new happiness that i have and then there's all the pain, hurt, unwanted, angry, and all those other emotions and feelings. there is so much happening. maybe to much. i'm trying my hardest to do my best but i only seem to feel as if i'm failing. but the truth and even i know it somewhere is that i'm not. i'm doing better than i ever had. i just don't get it. it's obviously not for me to know. but how i want to. even more of a truth is i really don't know how i feel. the question keeps coming but how are you? answer: i'm fine. doing really well.

the real answer: don't know.

i have no idea. i haven't taken the minute to even think. and now that i'm trying it's hurting because i don't know WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?

i hate that he took this all away from me. and what he didn't take he crushed.

the eyes. they hold it all.

noone sees what they say or what they are. can noone really tell what is going on? is it really that big of a mystery? is it really hidden like that?

where? why? it hurts.

i want my daddy to be by my side. i want to see him. to hold his hand.

would that make a difference though. that touch that has been so far that's so close everytime we talk even though it's a thousand miles away. would it be there for me in the way that i need it.

here i sit alone complaining and letting something out that i should probably delete all of this text that was typed but for some reason i will hit the publish key.

kicking it in emiry's

write more later but...

i'm absolutely loving my new product (red) chucks that i designed!

fresh breath...

one shot.

am i ready for this to end?

as much as i would love to answer that with a yes i'm not quite sure. i'm absolutely sick of the emotionally ride it has given me. and the fact that i still don't know what i'm feeling. but what i do know is that i'm loving being with my mom and my siblings. it's bringing me such a joy. i'm not quite sure how to explain. but i'm feeling good and i almost want to forget the rest of the world. then something goes wrong and i suddenly want to flee. and its been so hard to stay but i have. and as much as someone else may look at it and say damn you did a horrible job i think i did a good job. considering the fact that i had no idea i could. i thought i would have failed miserably by now. but look at where i am.

thank you my Lord! You are so great and marvelous.

paul.

my heart is beating. i'm missing my two best friends very much. i'm hurting without them. sometimes i find myself trying to figure out what to do. it's become to where i've let them live my life for me. i know that it's me. who i am. that's my personality. that's what i like. but it's not all me. the rest is them. what they say i like, what i do, etc. how did i let myself do this.

5 different rythyms. not one to live after. 30 documented minutes without oxygen. 0-17% chance. 9.25am began it all.

how? why? this way?

i'm flabbergasted but in a shocked way. if that even made sense.

you and the way God used you mean the world to me. your eyes...

will it ever be the same or will our relationship still have this awkwardness til the end. i don't want that. i would like for it to be the same. move as one once again. no questions asked.

the pain. the joy.

2 months have now passed. one without even a wanting. then that truck was outside. the shaking began. but there was a restraint in me. where from?

the smoothness. the embrace. the heartbeat against mine.

thank you God. You've let me learn something unimaginable this week. i thank You. thank You for answering that prayer. definitely not in the way expected but something even more marvelous. You seem to shock me even when i know it will not go as i've planned.

thank you.

i'm ready for this new beginning.

¿quién es?

well here we go... i'm aggrivated beyond belief right now. so much has been going wrong it seems. all though i know that it will all end up working out and soon enough i will think this was just a small thing but the stress and emotions coming from it are killing me. i'm hurting in oh so many ways. wishing that something could be done. or be done now i guess. some of it may never be resolved and i've come to face that which is killing me inside beyond belief. as i decided to actually finally face it and say yes that's the truth i just wanted to quit now. i feel as if i can't do it. this is all to much to bear it seems. i know with God being right by my side at all times that this is all just my sinful nature telling me these things but it's ruff and i'm not wanting to do what i should do. it seems as if it is extra but really it is the reality and i need to face it before i get hurt more. or even tortured. the other half... oh wow. there will be a private conversation going on in a private room. that i'm definitely somewhat dreading and then extremely excited for it to be finally happening. i hope all that needs to be acomplished are but like i said most of it will be resolved in january at the earliest. tears are what i'll be shedding and i'm hating myself for admitting that and allowing myself to. but i guess it shows that i am growing somewhat. i know i am but it's just hard and feels as if i'm stuck in the pit above my head. i need the strength and courage right now tremendously. what are the words. how should i say them. how will they be taken. what will the reaction be of everything. it's so much. my heart is rushing with more that sixteenth notes with grace notes. which of course is not the right way to phrase that but i like that way much better. my heart is aching. and i'm ready for it to stop. i'm ready for a family of my own. i'm ready for someone to be by me supporting me fully and directing in which way i need to turn. i'm ready for someone to go behind that closed door with and get me help. and that's enough to be said.

ay. no mas.

not knowing where to turn right now. well besides for God obviously. my foot is broken. my heart is shattered. the wall is waiting yet i'm trying to hold back. why. i don't understand. it sits there everyday in that same spot waiting for me to fail once again. all i have to do is stay away. yet for some reason i seem to not be able to. work is just overwhelming. not because of the work itself. only due to the fact that i work with some jerks. it just kind of sucks. but whatever right. there must be a reasoning for it. i'm struggling to stay sane right now and i hate that. i'm hating that the only time i feel like writing is when i'm upset. or when i do feel like writing when i'm happy i don't feel like sitting here. i'm hating that they are not replying. it hurts. i can't do anymore.

a struggle between this thing and someone...

making a decision. one that i realized as i sat in shattered pieces staring back at me. things that entice me beyond my want. wishing there were something i could do. wondering of how i can have control. how can i be able to manage this situation. it's a magnet to me. as hard as i try i keep being pulled back. more like coming back. there's a gap between me and this thing. why i can't grasp onto it i don't know. everyone else seems to just fine. then there he is. just patiently trying to help me. and i so badly want to say yes but how come i keep pushing away. when really that's all that i want.