fresh breath...

one shot.

am i ready for this to end?

as much as i would love to answer that with a yes i'm not quite sure. i'm absolutely sick of the emotionally ride it has given me. and the fact that i still don't know what i'm feeling. but what i do know is that i'm loving being with my mom and my siblings. it's bringing me such a joy. i'm not quite sure how to explain. but i'm feeling good and i almost want to forget the rest of the world. then something goes wrong and i suddenly want to flee. and its been so hard to stay but i have. and as much as someone else may look at it and say damn you did a horrible job i think i did a good job. considering the fact that i had no idea i could. i thought i would have failed miserably by now. but look at where i am.

thank you my Lord! You are so great and marvelous.

paul.

my heart is beating. i'm missing my two best friends very much. i'm hurting without them. sometimes i find myself trying to figure out what to do. it's become to where i've let them live my life for me. i know that it's me. who i am. that's my personality. that's what i like. but it's not all me. the rest is them. what they say i like, what i do, etc. how did i let myself do this.

5 different rythyms. not one to live after. 30 documented minutes without oxygen. 0-17% chance. 9.25am began it all.

how? why? this way?

i'm flabbergasted but in a shocked way. if that even made sense.

you and the way God used you mean the world to me. your eyes...

will it ever be the same or will our relationship still have this awkwardness til the end. i don't want that. i would like for it to be the same. move as one once again. no questions asked.

the pain. the joy.

2 months have now passed. one without even a wanting. then that truck was outside. the shaking began. but there was a restraint in me. where from?

the smoothness. the embrace. the heartbeat against mine.

thank you God. You've let me learn something unimaginable this week. i thank You. thank You for answering that prayer. definitely not in the way expected but something even more marvelous. You seem to shock me even when i know it will not go as i've planned.

thank you.

i'm ready for this new beginning.