my Love. be with me tonight. and tomorrow. and always.

as i sit here writing this i am fighting off the tears.

everything came out clear except for two. the two that i wanted least. why did they have to come out positive. it should've been me.

no emotions.

i need this phone call to arrive sooner than expected because i'm not quite sure how long i can be strong for this time.

maybe this is the reason as to why i should have never tried to figure out stuff and relearn life.

then there is the fact that since i was 7 years old. my life has been ripped away from me. there was no childhood. i missed out on what most girls want. what kids love to do. i jumped to being a 'mature young adult' ugh. it disgusts me.

then i have these emotions feelings or whatever that i'm having due to that.

i need to throw that ball. i need to feel the sting in the bat. i need to hear the cracking of the bat and the popping of the glove. i need to feel the dirt turning under my foot. i need to feel each and every single cleat ripping in to that soft clay that's waiting for me to slide into it so that i may wear it and be proud of it. i need to feel that rubber. i need that chalk to be on my hand. the ball in my hand as i memorize every single part of the seam on it. i need to release it.

i need to hold that photograph in my hand with pride. to hear the shutter. to see the outcome. to see the flash. see the framing of such a magnificent capture.

some one has been there and has completely stolen my attention and made me smile for days now. in an instant that was ripped away. when i hear that song and answer only to hear that wonderful voice on the other side what shall i say.

the 'normal me' would not let is show. not say a word of hurt. not let this tear that sits in my eye out but i know as soon as i say hello it will all come.

my heart is yearning for comfort. for a break.

all that comes is a broken shatter of pain.

God. i need someone to hold me and look at me and say it's ok. for someone to say i will be the one to teach you and guide you with what i know that God has instructed me to do. for someone to want to protect me. for someone to say shut your eyes i will be them for you. close your ears for i will hear it all for you. let me be the one to hold your heart and show you how to love. God. i'm trying so hard. i'm trusting You with all. i'm giving You my life. letting You lead me to where i should be. having You direct me in Your light. but although i know it is a not needed. because it is worldly. but Lord please give me someone. i'm wanting that shoulder. and i'm ready my Love to be open and honest and let them help me. please i ask. You are me.

tomorrow i have a meeting for work. i'm almost not wanting to go because i know it will almost backfire to a degree but then also i'm someone ok with it. then i will be able to state that it really is not me. ugh. it's just aggrevating.

late phone calls. smiles. worries. time. thoughts. care. patience. butterflies.

i don't want to have to see their faces. i don't want to see them be broken. i don't want to see them be hurt as i tell them you have it.

prolonged q-t syndrome.