drowning.

today was an odd day. not sure what i'm feeling right now. i'm hurt i know that. i'm also feeling ok though. i'm confused.

why do you care so much. what's your deal. why would you sit there just to tell me every detail to get me to breathe normal again. why would you spend the time to listen to me shed those tears. why would you call until i answer. why do you want me to come. why do you want to teach and show me. why do you go further than you would ever be asked to. why are you helping me. how come i know that if i hit call you would answer. how come you want me to know things. you want me to be able to see as others do, why.

you complicate things. or maybe it's me.

but i do not understand that whatsoever. i don't understand how come you go further than you would ever be asked to.

i thank you. I THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. for showing me what this smile really is and means.

laundry needs to hurry up. i have to pack. ugh.

pictures of you i adore...

well thursday i was at work. i had 2 more things to do and then i was done. i would've been done before i had planned on so nicole and i would have had more time. well riggle and i had to talk to austin about banquets and buying clothes so we went. well she got really excited about a banquet and stepped into me. she stepped on my foot and caught herself on the line. well i fell down. a bustub of bean bowls fell (neither one of us knows which one hit them. we don't remember feeling it.) some of them broke. we could not stop laughing. so i picked up the broken pieces and put the bustub of unbroken bean bowls back and stood up. i felt as if i could not breathe and my back was tense and having sharp pains. austin sent me to the clinic to find out i pulled something in my back. told to wear a back brace and take medicine for a week. i'm supposed to go back and see him again tomorrow. i'm feeling a lot better now. well i left there and went and met up with nicole. we went and saw esteban at sito's 1. it was exciting. we decided what changes we thought they should make to improve their store. haha. then we headed to wharehouse live.

the concert was so beyond amazing. i fell in love with this band maxeen! they make me smile oh so very much. well when halifax came on and these idiots that showed up to the show late decided to start a mosh pit. they hit me right in the back. it hurt so bad. immediately after they hit me the security got up to stop it and then halifax stopped playing to say to enjoy the show but not to start that stuff. ugh. i wish it could of been before they hit me. well later when the spill canvas was playing i saw tim the lead singer of sugarcult across in the ballroom so i told nicole seeing that she's in love with him to go over there. of course she was getting to nervous so we went and i got maxeens cds. the old one and their brand new one that you can't buy in stores yet! so yay! and we met shannon from maxeen!! he's so funny. well then after we waited and she got to meet tim and take her pic with him and all. haha she's so cute. and then sugarcult came on.

it was so beyond amazing. i really like them. i'm glad she introduced me to them. it's nicoles favorite band. they are good on the cd but they are truly outstanding live. so yay! we are going to see them when they come back.

saturday i thankfully had a break and got to eat at niko niko's wtih desi. it was nice.

sunday i went to kaleo and enjoyed being next to richard and being able to worship with him. afterwards markandsarah, michaelandlauren, jessieandbecca, amy, mason, maleah, drew, tracy, CLINT, and i went to goode co. and had a wonderful lunch. then that evening i was able to spend it with my mom.

it was nice. we got pizza hut stuffed crust pizza. which i had been craving. and then i got 4 dvds from blockbuster because they were having a sale and we watched elizabethtown. it was a cute movie.

yesterday i was having a pretty ok day and then. ugh. it just stopped in a heartbeat. i didn't know how to respond to what was going on. i didn't know how to deal with what i was feeling. luckily someone was there to help. somewhat. i'm so happy that i was able to talk to them. i had a interesting dinner with my brother and sister since i won't really see them before i go to newyork.

afterwards i went and had a nice chat with amy at brazil coffee house. i never knew of this place but i really liked it there. i'm definitely looking forward to going back. yay! but anyways we had such an enjoyful conversation. i'm really glad we were able to do this. we are so much more a like than i realized. she makes me smile.

today i'm going to be very busy. right now i'm doing something that i've been wanting to do for so long but have been procrastinating. putting all of my newer cds on my ipod. what finally pushed me over the edge was my creature. haha. i love her so and can not wait to see her on saturday. yay! i miss her. ugh. but then i have so much shopping to do for new york and for riggle. i can't wait to surprise her tomorrow morning. yay. but then i also have to drop my bro and sis off at practices make it out to community groups come home load more music while i do my laundry and maybe go to the store otherwise i will finish that with my long list of things to do tomorrow as well.

thursday i go to new york.

in a couple weeks i see nick!

'pretty girl sitting next to me...'

ok here we go. well i'm amazed by how God works. totally and utterly amazed. i'm learning something that applies to me now and that i will use later in life. i'm learning what love is. real love. unconditional love. amy hartley is truly amazing. she's letting me love on her kids as if they were my own. and how i love them with all my heart. they are beyond a blessing in my life. and the fact that they are excited for me to come over and sad to see me leave literally brought a tear to my eye as i drove away tuesday. those kisses and puddle of tears sitting on my shoulder were what went through my mind constantly for the rest of the night. those tears on my shoulder made me smile when no matter how ok it was as soon as mom came it was all better. and only a mother could do that. as i see all this and as God is blessing me with being such an amazing teacher once again i can't but help and be selfish and wonder and wish that i could of had this. it hurts to know i didn't. the love that ericandamy shed about these 2 beautiful creations is all that i can wish for me to bestow upon my own childeren when God blesses me with them. later this same evening i was only blessed even more to spend the evening with a awesome couple. markandsarah. how much i care for them. i thank God every chance i can for putting them into my life. there are no words to describe what they mean to me.i saw amalie for the first time. and just as sarah said it was wonderful. i loved it. i am completely consumed by jet right now. i'm absolutely loving there new cd. the one song is repeating constantly in my head. yay! tonight God showed me his kindness once again by letting be able to spend sometime with my bestest friend and her fiance. yay! i got my hair cut and i'm pretty excited. i'm liking it. i'm so glad she was with me. it made it all the better. and i think it may have ended up helping me more wedding plans. yay. just realized i had forgotten about my laundry but we fixed that issue now. so yay. new york is literally a week away. i'm very nervous. but completely excited at the same time. a couple weeks and i see nick. i'm exstatic. this is going to be a very fun trip. i'm so happy that he's excited about it. and i finally get to actually see this city he loves so much. how awesome is that. tomorrow is the sugarcult concert with my bestfriend. i'm so excited to have a girls night out with her. we both definitely need this i know. and we get to see estaban before hand. yay. and breakfast with mi madre? probably and that makes me smile. te amo mama. so you know life's been hard. i've definitely been feeling down a lot but right now it's good. i had a very wonderful and much needed conversation tonight. there is a giant smile on my face.

nevermind.

got on here because i have a lot to say. but now that i'm here i don't feel like doing this so much. so yeah i will do this later. but let me say i love sarah. and her husband. and jet. and riggle.

my heart is broken into a thousand pieces, but it's being mended. i hope.

'should i start this off with a question?'

there is beyond enough going on right now that i can hardly contain myself. this post will probably end up being all over the place. emotionally, thoughts, chronilogically, everything. it's ruff for me to do. but for those of you that read it i'm sure that you are probably the person if i want to read it. so please read all the way through. if you don't make it through that's ok too. ajglkh. yes. that's it.

i'm so beyond blessed with the amazing friends God has provided me with. there is nothing else that i could ask for. it brings a smile to my face everytime i see them. i'm trusting God with as much that i can. i can honestly but shamefully say that i'm not giving Him my all right now. and that hurts. i'm trying to but i keep seeming to fail. i would love to be able to with no matter what i do have the first thought be God. and i know it will take time to get there but i'm struggling all together. this is so very hard for me to admit to. He's there no matter what guiding me and all i can sit here and do is slap Him in the face and mock Him. how hard is that to take in that fact that we all do it no matter how hard we try. i feel like crap.

markandsarah are truly outstandingly amazing. they are truly an influence to me. there marriage is beyond amazing. that relationship makes me smile the biggest smile i could. i truly look up to them and strive to have a relationship just like that. they are one of the biggest most amazing thing in my life right now. i may not see them as much as i would like but everytime i do i feel as if i see them everyday. nothing hidden. God has touched me with sarah and i can not thank Him enough. sarah thank-you for everything. you do so much for me and i never even speak. i'm sorry that it hurts at times to see it. i'm trying with all my heart to complete this revolving door cycle of everything. thank-you for being by my side as i do it. i hopefully can talk soon. i'm working so hard on that door. i regret everything that happened. although yes i know it is not my fault i regret it somehow. i'm hurting and breaking and i just can't say how much you mean to me. and your outstanding husband, thank-you mark. from the beginning of our relationship. i remember the first time i honestly connected with you was at the stregers on there couch and i cried in your arms. thank-you from then until now. i once again want to thank-you for all that you are trying to help me do.

work is beyond crazy. i'm so honored to have the job that i do and be able to do what i do. i'm so exstatic that austin finally said bar seminar saturday here you go. i will finally officially be trained to wait tables. a little over a year now. now i will not get in trouble when they come in and see me. i will be able to do some things i have been dieng to do. i can't wait. i know what the first shall be...

i'm just dreading the hours for 9 shifts this week and next week as well. it's going to be hard working those 3 doubles and only having one day off but here i go...

nicole is another friendship God has blessed me with. she is alot of what i need right now. i hope that i can do the same. from what she says i feel it is. i don't know if i even have the words to express everything that i feel towards this except that thinking of it makes me exstatic. i love her so very much! thank-you for all that you have done for me. listening to me talk about nothing for however long i will go for. even when it's about dooshbag bomb dropper:) i hope that makes you smile. for telling me whatever and not hindering to do so. for just being you and making me smile, calm me down, make me excited, whatever else. the only thing i can wish is that God do more here.

ink. i'm beyond excited about my tattoo. i want more. THANK-YOU BESTEST FRIEND! that was the best birthday present i ever got. and i got it when i really needed it. i needed those smiles, laughs, and conversations. thank-you for holding my hand and squeezing it so i didn't have to. you are truly my other half.

that's all that is needed to say there. you know the rest of what i'm thinking. because that's how freaking awesome you are!

i want to show my photography. so here is some. (may end up being more than i plan...)

you know even though so much is going on with my papi and all. i'm really comforted by it all. and i know that that is God and God alone. nothing else in the world could make me feel the way i do. there is no other explanation. i don't know if that means it won't happy as soon or what but what i do know is that i'm ok with everything. yes it is hard and yes i've definitely shed some tears over it but i'm ok.

i'm liking bobby hilll very much. i'm so excited about this new friendship we are developing. it's so awesome. God you are so tremendously amazing! thank-you.

kaleo makes me smile. i definitely enjoy every second of that place. it's so amazing and what God is doing there, there are no words to explain. i wish i could but i can not.

i'm wanting to go shoot some photos. i'm wanting to get to painting ryan's shirt. i'm wanting to go to kemah. i'm wanting to go to the art gallery and wandering around aimlessly. i'm wanting to go to galveston. i'm becoming to nervous and excited about going to ny. i'm freaking out but am becoming very impatient to go to new orleans with ryan and see nick. it'll be hard. i am becoming hyped about what i am planning to do for 2 amazing people.

lastly.

this is intended as a letter. all may read though.

ryan.

you amaze with everything that you do. as i sit here and type all i do is smile and want to cry. not just because of you. and nothing that you have done. because i know how much God has blessed the two of us. because i know no matter what i say and no matter how many jokes you make that you and i are both feeling the same thing. that i know i ruv u and you ruv me too :) because i know what an amazingly tremendous guy you are and that when God and you are ready you will be blessed with someone amazing. that it will be everything that you have prayed for, everything you hoped for. you will have such and amazing relationship with whomever God has set aside for YOU and ONLY YOU!!!! that i can not wait to see. i want to thank-you for all those late nights. no not for that. for listening to me. for caring. for showing me what you think of me. i'm sorry i don't always make it easy and take it and say thank-you but i try. it just hurts. because of all of my past. i am so sorry. i love you with all of my heart. i know you know all of this. but i need to put it into words for you. i thank-you for putting up with me and all of my terrible stories, things that annoy me, things i do to annoy you (because i said so...), standing by me through everything, for telling me that i'm beautiful, for supporting this relationship that i feel is right, for being strong when i can't resist (even though i allow you to not be..), for playing your guitar for me, for going with me to get my tattoo (both times, and for wearing that shirt!), for driving me when i needed to get away, for driving when i couldn't, for putting up with my indecisiveness, for dealing with the fact that i just didn't want to take a picture there, for being my model, for looking at me with that thought in your eye, for dealing with me at work, for taking care of me when i feel that everything is falling through my fingers, for making me smile NO MATTER what is wrong!, for not answering that call when i'm there, for not touching me with your feet, for letting me tickle you when i just can't resist, for coming over to my house, for avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable, for going to eat with me at places that you don't like, for giving me your cd, for that weird thing you like to do with my beltloops (it makes me laugh; although it is so awkward), for listening to me ramble about whatever (like black vodka), for being so honest, for waiting for the beatles booth, for sitting in the beatles booth before i got there :), for not making our phone calls so uncomfortable, for walking me to my car, for all the other little things you do, for being so cute, for being so very honest, for being or doing whatever i need you to do. you are the best friend anyone could ever have and you are mine and i thank you for that. thank-you for trying to learn city love and it's ok that it's not possible i still ruv you :) everyday i think of you and i smile and pray and thank God that He gave me you and that i know no matter what you will still be there for me at the end of the day. thank-you for telling me whatever you feel like, telling me everything that happened in your day. for just sharing EVERYTHING with me. i'm dieng for the next time i see you already and it's only been a few hours. maybe you will call at 2.22 or maybe i will be with you at 2.22 that would be even better!! i ruv you so very much and could not ask for anything else. i really honestly love you ryan.

you made my day today also; by the way...

p.s. i don't care if there are spelling errors. you'll have to get over it this time.

deep in thought of my feelings.

sgfbngfhds

well that's from someone that i absolutely adore that is sitting here with me right now. it's been a fun night. i worked this morning and that was ok but it was just a little frustrating. my mind seems to not be here nor is my heart it is somewhere else and i'm feeling awful about that. wishing that i could have different words to say and things to do but i don't. i'm wishing that this would come already so that i can have these butterflies dissappear. i'm hoping that everything will go well. all i can do is trust in my Lord that everything will be done in His will. i've been praying and feel ok but i'm still so very nervous. i'm definitely not confident whatsoever. but totally looking forward to it. i had an awesome night though. my mind was in other places but yes i enjoyed myself. ryan and i got my plane ticket to go see mi papi and then we went to chili's to see my amazing friend kyle. we used to play ball together way back in the day when we were cool kids. we were first every season. just cause of kyle and i. haha. what fun. and then ryan and i hung out. oh what fun. it makes me smile. yay.

i'm hoping he'll call tomorrow. i highly doubt it. but i'm sitll hoping.

oh those butterflies...

craving more of that sweet sound...

what i'm feeling awful. only one thing kept me smiling all day today. john mayer's new cd. don't get me wrong i did smile to other things but this in particular is what did it. if i listened to something else i don't know if i would have done half the stuff i did today. mason made my day. (yes nick i do know happiness. i suppose) i wanted to cry when he took off his fire chief mason helmet and looked into my eyes with those big blue eyes that hold so much and told me as he jumped onto me wrapping his arms around my neck and said emily, i love you and then gave me a huge kiss. i just smiled and sat there wishing he were mine. nothing else to describe today. mason. MASON I LOVE YOU AND YOU ABSOLUTELY MADE MY DAY!!!!!