OUCH!!

... forgiveness... what a hard thing to do. and what a strong word. well that was really interesting going to my first counseling with my stepdad today. it really made me realize a lot of the things that get me aggrevated with him and just where a lot of the pain is. it all seemed so fake... was it really? did i really mean some of the things i said. should i try to have a relationship there. why do i get so physically ill when i hear that voice or see those eyes? why do i get frightened and angry and want to rage? why did so many things have to happen in my childhood? why does my daddy have to be so far away? ... especially when i need a hug from him so badly right now. i'm just about to break down. i'm trying to do something and i just keep getting shot down. i just really need that extra push from God right now to give me the strength i need to fight through this. so i can be happy once again- all over the place. i need some help. maybe i already have something but just can't realize what that something is to help me go even farther in what i'm trying to do. ugh...