ok lets see. where to begin. i can't seem to find the words that i'm looking for so this is probably going to turn out really bad. you don't have to read. i just need to get stuff of my chest before something else happens. new york. what to say. it was busy. it was a lot. it was hard. it hurt. it was exhausting. it was well needed. it some what helped. it made me happy. it made me sad. it made me angry. it made me hurt. it made me smile. i'm glad it's over. i need to think. i need to be alone for a little while. or with him. or her. either way would work. i just need to let the thoughts out. think this all through. figure out what i think is best. for me. for once i need to finally think about me and decide what would help me out the most. something that i obviously never do. i've been so happy. yet i've been hurting and torn up oh so very much. what is going on. i've gotten to an awful point so many times. why. i've been so good and here i seem to go again. not yet. thankfully. i'm to afraid. i'm afraid i will do it. it's not just there. it's driving too. that's why i couldn't take them yesterday when i was so graciously given the opportunity. he wondered why and i did not want to explain myself anymore. i just said i can't do that right now. why that 'conversation', if that's what you want to call it, had to happen i have no idea. it's disturbing oh so much. why does he care. why does he write so much. oh mr. mp. how come you do. how come you know it all so well. how come you answer exactly when i need you to and how come you say exactly what i need you to at that moment. other times it could take forever. oh it's so awesome. i'm wanting to flee. how stupid is this. this probably makes no sense to anyone but me. not even her. she knows me better than anyone and i'm not quite sure if she would even get this. or maybe she would. maybe she would say yes and agree. maybe she would have so awesome advice, hopefully she clicks this. probably not. i want to write, i want to draw, i want to capture, i want to play, i want to listen. ugh.
drew left for san antonio today. he'll only be gone until tuesday though. he has a doctors appointment. but ugh. when he gets home we are going to start reading through the Bible together! i'm so excited! (no, not when we get home to my house! you make me smile) i'm ugh. there really are no words for this. i've been thinking about maybe ephesians. i just can't wait. this is what i've been wanting. this is it.
if this is. then why do i keep thinking about it. was he right today. maybe that is why. so that wouldn't have happened. would it have. it's very possible. should i have waited. is this truly right. maybe, probably it would have caused to many problems. there was so much there all ready that if i had waited another 18 hours that it could have changed so many things. i think there is something there that they are not telling me. but if that is true then they would have lied to me once again. which obviously i can see why. but then why did that guy say that a few weeks ago. is this other person thinking the same thing that i am. maybe i should ask them. but what if that causes even more awkwardness and issues. i don't know what to do. these thoughts are racing through my head and they are killing me.
i need her. i need her so badly right now. i need her advice.
i want to scream.
drew left for san antonio today. he'll only be gone until tuesday though. he has a doctors appointment. but ugh. when he gets home we are going to start reading through the Bible together! i'm so excited! (no, not when we get home to my house! you make me smile) i'm ugh. there really are no words for this. i've been thinking about maybe ephesians. i just can't wait. this is what i've been wanting. this is it.
if this is. then why do i keep thinking about it. was he right today. maybe that is why. so that wouldn't have happened. would it have. it's very possible. should i have waited. is this truly right. maybe, probably it would have caused to many problems. there was so much there all ready that if i had waited another 18 hours that it could have changed so many things. i think there is something there that they are not telling me. but if that is true then they would have lied to me once again. which obviously i can see why. but then why did that guy say that a few weeks ago. is this other person thinking the same thing that i am. maybe i should ask them. but what if that causes even more awkwardness and issues. i don't know what to do. these thoughts are racing through my head and they are killing me.
i need her. i need her so badly right now. i need her advice.
i want to scream.
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