you.

i want a child.
not sure i'm ok with stealing one anymore.
i want a family.

drowning.

it's all finally starting to slowly caress me.
it's flooding in.
i can't stop it.
the flood gate is broken.

two things i can't stop thinking about.
i love these things.
you make it so i'm in the middle. so i can see it perfectly while that's where you'd prefer to sit.
putting my head right over your heart and pulling me in.

it hurts again.
this time.
it's an actual cut in.
as those ones i've dreamed about.
i can't handle it.
i'm done.
i'm drowning.

yes there is an actual meaning.

today i read something, i don't think i was supposed to have seen.
or maybe i was.

today i viewed an apartment i like quite a bit. the pricing is a little more than i'd like it to be but for the area and the place it's not bad. i'm considering it. i'm also considering if i'd really like a roommate or just myself. when i think about a few things i think myself. but then other things tell me to have a roommate.

if they were only going generally as well as other thing then it'd be awesome.
ringing.
really?
there was no mention.
just i.
holding on with one hand.
pushing away with the other.
what's your last name?
now with...
books.
alone.

thank you for being.

my diving bell and my butterfly.

the suspicions.
i need you.
oh the soundtrack.

say something.

as much as one would say there is so much going wrong right now i'm ok with most of it. just one thing i'm not ok with. and i'm enjoying life. 8 months and a week and 2 days. wow.

really is that the way you view this?
what has all this been then?
is it really to hide?
or what is it you're hiding from?
maybe that's better.

kjlghjcxhosjzfdghgzsgfj.

icy hot.

now the actual post.

i wore my quicksilver 'sweater' today with my scarf. which i have yet to remove. my hands are cold yet this scarf is actually starting to make the rest of me hot. yet for some reason i've refused to remove it.

i'm falling into the oblivion of something that even i'm not quite sure i know what exactly it is. i would really like to. but yet it's actually quite impossible. for the time being. maybe soon enough.
hopefully.

it's to the point where the indecisiveness has kicked in to the effect that someone is stepping up and taking the leadership. which i'm glad.
yet what?
yeah...

my body has become this tense overloaded stressed out stiffness of pain. my shoulders may as well have a torn rotator cuff again. maybe that's what the one is. that's how it feels. maybe i should go see taegal. eh. but everything i've been trying is not relieving. the one thing i know is that adrenaline flow. that i must continue to say no. but ugh...
yeah...

as i look at it. does it even matter.

ah what is going on?
what was that phone call all about yesterday?
where did that come from?
how do you not know all of this?
i should have told you... yet i know i didn't...
do i regret it? no. well to a degree but not in a bad sense. in the sense that it's become to much a part of me and now i don't know how to handle that. because if you don't remember i'm not good at anything and i will never amount to anything yet that's what has made me something that they've changed what they said.
but still that voice on the other line.
i still don't get it.
you were the one saying those immature things that should have never been stated yet... ugh.

six. come already. please.

p.s. i love you

yea yea the update.

a lot has happened since the last update... seeing it was the day after christmas.
i don't really want to talk about 'christmas with the family' really though. so we'll start with the 27th.
that morning i went into sito's and got so very much accomplished. i was even surprised by myself. i completed laurie and i's list except one thing which was hers anyways. then i started to clean the office because i couldn't handle it. so our half looked great yet i had not gotten to riggle's side but i needed to get out before i went insane. so then from there i stopped by desi's so we could finish exchanging gifts. she got me some earmuffs, a ski hat, and a gift card. then her mom got me a new journal and a gift card. jared came over and we talked for a while. then i left to head over to the studio to meet the potts, the terry, and my dirty little secret for dinner. it was quite enjoyable to be together. it made me smile...
then i headed back to my mum's to vacuum before i went insane and then to leave to head to the airport. well finally half way there i called to let them know to start getting ready so when i got there we could go. well everyone apparently knew for a few hours yet failed to let me know that the flight was delayed and was a possibility my creature and her family may not even arrive that night. oh so frustrating. so i sent google a text to check out flight info. they would only be delayed an hour. i got home and suddenly i was exhausted. i guess everything caught back up to me from the night before. (someone came home... and we watched a movie and talked...) so anyways i somehow found energy and we got them. we returned two creatures and everyone else at about 3.30 am. and we 'crashed' and by that i mean i hid under my sheets.
the 28th. friday.
eyebrows, hobby lobby, and creautres.
came into the studio for a little while as well. daniel my maniel and i stopped on the way home to see if the terry's pottery thing was ready. no! ah!
my sister made this gigantic meal. then didn't shut up so anyone could say anything. then gift exchange.
was having a real rough day with some emotional stuff and went to hide away in my room at about 11 or 11.30. wow.
the 29th. saturday.
i went in to sito's at 6 in order that i could get out early enough so no one had to wait around for me to go to sugarbaby's. it was nice though, austin and i sat around for about an hour getting caught up with each other. it was great. i miss these weekly conversations like this. it's our little tradition we do every saturday but the both of us have been way to busy to sit down and talk. ugh.
so i got out at 11.30. well my mom said they were going to come in for a couple minutes. next thing i know i'm sitting at 404 waiting to order. i wanted to leave! i no longer wanted to be in the recovered factory. ugh.
i finally got a good job.
took me being someone in order to get it.
yet everyday they hear it.
ugh.
headed over to sugarbaby's with a slight detour for starbuck's for my uncle.
the terry came to meet us. so i met him at his house and we walked down together. it was nice. i wasn't able to tell him to much of how friday went over texts. my family was actual quite polite and civil with him. and he was talkative!
from there the terry and two creatures headed to inversion to show michelle jackum's show. so we had another chance to sit and talk! yay. creature and i dropped terry off... and headed to the brandi!!
then we stopped to see if the terry's pottery thing was ready. no! ah!
grocery store with mum.
painted shirts and prepared food.
bed at 4.
the 30th. sunday.
kaleo. got to see ames! needed it.
stopped at a few stores to get last minute things i needed.
called the pottery place. did not unload the kiln yet. ugh.
started the cooking and decorating.
called the pottery place.
ready!
in their hands!
it's really ready!
close in half hour... company in 45 minutes...
has to wait until tomorrow.
shower. finish cooking.
family shows. FINALLY!
the terry is here!
talking.
the potts are here!
gift exchange. i love those kids. and sue. and da jackum.
dinner with lots of conversation with silence from this spot on the oriental rug next to the terry's chair...
for more than one reason.
dessert. talking. etc.
potts leave.
the terry stays although there is so much that he could possibly done instead but chose to stay to watch elf with my family and i.
talking by the bel air.
goodnight.
the 31st. monday.
amanda's bridal shoot.
talking with da jackum.
pottery place.
yes!
it's in my hands!
mason jar with the family.
fell asleep into this oblivious state.
'dinner' with family.
arguing.
studio. with the ames!! the bourells, nichols, marcy marc, tiff, the potts.
the terry came.
(my hands are really cold at the moment... ugh.)
and he opened his pottery! finally!
no ball dropping this year.
first year in 10 years.
no creature.
walking to the car. talking. hugging. decide to see a movie the next day. someones cold...
the 1st. tuesday.
airport.
no more creature...
so sad.
on my way into the studio i get a phone call from the terry letting me know we are meeting him for lunch!
finally after we get ready jackson, dietrich, mason, calista and i head to lupes.
car dancing.
they are closed. head to chuy's.
we win! hehe. those kids.
playing with the terry and i.
it was quite a bit of fun. hehe. ames and e show up with da maleah and malachi.
yay!
lunch time!
ames and e leave to stop by the store on the way to e's parents.
kids play with the terry and i.
meet the terry at his house. then we went to toys r us. no boxers and briefs. ugh. pick up the terry's jacket and fireworks. e's parents house.
we played apples to apples. modestly.
then we headed out to mark's for dinner.
fireworks.
'baby. no! be careful'
so not funny.
'can i jump over it?... what about now?'
NO!
inside to play apples to apples.
hehe.
then the terry and i headed to his house to watch fight club.
yea yea. that movie is interesting.
talking.
bedtime.
the 2nd. wednesday.
sito's.
way to long of a day there.
ames, mason, maleah, and malachi at memorial city. yay!
landry's with the pickerts.
games with the pickerts.
desi started planning her disney fairytale wedding...
headed home to hide under the sheets.

yeah. that's the update of the past week that i've been told to do...

just the spinning...

the problem is being transferred.
finally.

am i being to forward.
why?
i'm never this forward.
i need to be more mysterious.
yet i seem to be...
how so?
i don't see it.
30 more minutes.
wow.
it's not like me.
at all.

ayudame por favor.

giro por un alambre con ningún acceso.
la pared...
está allí mas giro.

this chain around my neck.
with a pendant to represent those times.
is there still any resemblance.


buzz, buzz, buzz.
is it really known.
or has the secret been told.

amelia bedelia did exactly as the list told.


oh i need to decide on my dinner for sunday.
my creature and her family are finally arriving tomorrow evening at midnight. (yes i know not really tomorrow evening then) i'm beyond excited. lots of plans. lot of laughter that is much more than needed. it's driving me crazy waiting. well as well as other things... anywho, sunday i am using my lovely culinary skills to make this very large meal for mi familia, creautres family, the potts, and the terry. i'm very excited... yet i haven't finished planning on what i will be making. uh-oh. so tonight i need to do that. crap as well as i need to go listen to that shutter. any ideas?
to smell the burning wax.
and no not candle wax.

i need to be away.

the coldest yet

yes i know.
i've been slacking.
it's been sometime since i've updated. so here we are. here's what's happening.
here is the inside to me.
as much for comfort.
the one and only fear is back. the one that brings the 'fears' people say i have. it's tormenting me. it has come as soon as i was in the process of checking the last clip to make sure it was all secure and starting to climb this mountain of a journey. then there was that one pebble that somehow seemed to go unnoticed yet all it wanted to do was to warn about the avalanche that was about to come. i'm not quite sure what it is. maybe i may not speak it properly but all i want is to leave me be. stop torturing me.i finally was able to get the knife out and start healing and then all of a sudden from behind it's there at my neck again. waiting to seep into this plaster skin of mine. just stay away. i will go down dying in this fight before i allow it to come back. i didn't allow it then what makes you think i would now. when i said it's through and it ended, did that mean nothing? do you think this is a game. AH! your voice is enough. it's a bullet in me every time i hear it. ugh forget this.

this infatuation has become more.
what more is i don't know.
where it will go i don't know.
it's a great feeling.
except the past few days.
but maybe my dirty little secret was right.
maybe it is good.
two more days.
what does all this mean?
why is it the situation tends to be the same... maybe a little more each time. yet the result keeps staying the same.
ugh.
just need to keep praying.
maybe i thought more than i heard.

it's freezing right now.
i'm shivering almost.
i don't get this cold.
oh well.

broken.
empty.
stolen.
thankful.
hurt.
joyful.
pounding.
calming.
new shoes.
lets get down and dirty baby.
i keep calling you to see if you're sleeping.
and if you're sleeping are you dreaming.
and if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
i can't believe...