look up.

let me just say, opening sentences are the worst.

it's the same as when you pick up a book. if you do not draw someone in on the first sentence then the reader may not continue on. although as any reader knows a great book only gets better as you read on. just give it a try.

p.s. the last sentence is usually the best.

there are a thousand and three things on my mind right now. i've been trying to get them out. trying to word things. etc. been having a few emotionally rough days the past few. there's definitely been a few great parts in each one but overall just been having a hard time.

there are two main things on my mind though.

first and foremost my father. here we are past the 'deadline' and i have not heard from him in awhile. we've been missing each others phone calls. neither of us like leaving messages so i have not heard his voice in far to long. it's been getting really rough on me. i think that is what started this 'hard time' as some may say. manman is the closest thing i have right now. i would do anything right now to be in his arms and here his voice. i just want my daddy.

blah.

saturday i started my journey around texas.

keith's show went great. although my mind was not completely there. i also was able to meet his wife for the first time. she's amazing.

some other things also happened this weekend.

my mind is still not to straight for what all i would like to get out.

i'll do my best as always.

okay well lets see. i'm watching nashville star because i'm a loser. well anyways there are actually some good singers. this one girl is pretty much astonishing. she sang colby calait's bubbly. yeah. just yeah.

did i do something i shouldn't have? well at least not yet? was i to quiet? should i not have let everything affected me as much... or at least not let it have shown? no then i wouldn't have been honest. it needs to be seen. i suppose. did i screw up or is it just me. ah. is there anything to screw up. what is this anyways? i'm just not used to it.

you need to keep looking because once those shades are taken off you may see a whole other world you never even knew existed. it's the one they live in and the one you can see in their eyes.

each time i hear that sound i'm quickly looking to see whose name may appear.

hoping that i did not mess with something i shouldn't have.

am i pulling away. i'm trying so hard to not do what i always do. i'm trying to let someone in. on my terms. not the ones where i feel obligated by someone else to. yet i'm constantly trying to remember now but then i feel as though i'm doing it again or that i'm trying to hard.

Lord don't allow me to fail at this. unless it's not your will of course. be the one to guide me please. i'm struggling and i need Your hand. here i am on my knees saying i can't do this. let it be You who is guiding me and not my selfish ways. please give me a peace of mind tonight. it's everywhere and i need the rest and strength. please i pray.

now to put one foot in front of the other.

goodnight you.