páreme antes yo llego a esa pared.

today. today... words to describe. unpredictable. unexpected. probably the best. definitely needed. tomorrow will be great as well. at least i'm praying so. for you mr. magnetic poetry: 'thought i would let you know. if you still even read this. that i hope you figured out my last post. thought i would let you know that i was strong. strong enough to turn away. not even to get close enough. just thoughts about it were all. almost called you though. got that close. but obviously not close enough. have not since the last time i told you so. so about 2 or 3 months ago... i think. it hurts though. but trying so very hard. it's a day by day thing still though. not as bad some days but yeah. write me. maybe i'll write you when i'm done posting.' trusting is driving me insane. especially tonight for some reason. wishing that i knew how. wishing that i was comfortable with it. just praying that God gives me the wisdom and peace. ugh. why. why are all these thoughts flying through my head again. some of these i have not thought about for a very long time and here i sit thinking and pondering even more than i used to. i'm dyeing for the kids to get home. i'm missing them beyond belief. the first week was so hard. i never wanted them to go again and here two weeks later i sit wishing the same thing. just praying that they are brought home safely and that all this worrying is for no reason. that thought is racing through my mind again. and it's becoming even stronger tonight than it was last night. praying for it to stop. maybe i will call tonight. i just hate bothering him. and i haven't talked to him in awhile. i do not want that to be the phone call. i want him to hear how good i'm doing not that i have that thought again. this sucks. Lord, please surround me even more tonight. keep me here and not there. not there to let myself be more enticed to do these things i know are only going to hurt me even more in the end. it's a pure adrenaline rush. as much as i want it please stop me. in Your name. we'll just try to think about tomorrow. maybe even try to sleep. ugh.