chicago

hey guys i'm here in chicago at my layover. AHHH!!! i'm so angry our plane is either going to be delayed for at least 2 hours if not canceled and then we will leave here tomorrow at 7:49 which means we will have to spend the night in the airport and everything is happening at 10:00 tomorrow so i'm quite upset with the airline which already messed up in houston and switched us to a completely different airline!! what's going on this week? gosh. so just be praying that i will get out of here soon seeing that this trip won't be a fun one anyways. i miss you guys. well last night jessica and i did our assignment for our internship which was kind of scary at first but then we got the hang of it and it wasn't to bad anymore. it didn't really take us as long as we suspected. then laura, john, michael, lauren and i went to chili's which was really fun seeing that we don't get to see laura to much anymore. then michael, lauren and i went to see mandy at the cook's and mark and sarah were there so that was awesome. mandy is freaking hilarious!! i didn't have to make any jokes haha. so really just pray because i'm nervous we won't leave until tomorrow

blabbing

i finally got in touch with my stepmom and dad. i talked to my stepmom for about a 1/2 hour so that was good. i found out my dad had a heat stroke a week ago but he's doing better now but they have just been kind of busy. i'll get to talk to my dad in a couple hours when he wakes up so i'm very excited about that. well my lil' brother daniel had his birthday party and we 7 boys over here all night!!! AHHH!!! hehe. it was good though. i got 'The Phantom of the Opera' soundtrack yesterday so those of you that know me know i'm having a great time listening to that. i'm still obviously having a very hard time with everything that's going on but i'm so sick of being down but that seems all that i can do right now. especially when i'm not with my friends and i'm surrounded with the atmosphere of everything going on while everyone seems to try and act mainly that nothing happened or that they have this sincere grudge of hatefulness. last night was my first night over at my mom's house in about 2 1/2 weeks so that was interesting. my stepdad and i didn't really talk at all and that wasn't because of me he wouldn't talk to me. finally he did and some stuff seemed to get resolved but only time will tell. there are boys all over the floor in the living room surrounding the area i need to go to get my Bible and journal. i should just step on them all. hehe just kidding i'm not mean to them. they are all awesome boys and they love playing with me and enjoy kids so we are definitely good. i'm starting to get really hungry too. maybe i shall try to make the mission of getting over the kids.

wow! the devil definitely wants to bring us down. he'll just keep attacking you until you have almost nothing left to give. and all i can do is say God give me the strength for my next breath. just one thing after another keeps going wrong. you know though you wonder is it going to work this time or what is happening and then it all just falls and breaks into so many pieces... how can it all happen to one person too? when satan wants to bring you down he definitely does. i'm just staying praying to God. it's always so hard when you make that step into doing what God wants you to do. satan just comes in there and tries to take everything away from you. not as if it belonged to you in the first place but it doesn't belong to him either. i'm sure God will use this all for something but why does it all have to happen at the same time. well i found out i will be leaving to go back to my buffalo sunday @4p and i'll be back early tues. morning. WOW!! that was awesome. heather i love you!!!! heather just called and prayed for me. that's so what i needed right now. i'm so thankful for God right now. he's just so beyond words amazing!!! i love him so much. wow!! 2 corinthians 1.2-11 is amazing.

Acts 20.24

this is how i want to live my life. so many different ways to say it...

'but my life is worth nothing unless i use it for doing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about God's wonderful kindness and love.' acts 20.24 nlt

'however, i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.' acts 20.24 niv

'but i do not consider my life of any account as dear to myself, so that i may finish my course and the ministry which i received from the Lord Jesus, to testify solemnly of the gospel of the grace of God.' acts 20.24 nasb

'but that matters little. what matters most to me is to finish what God started: the job the Master Jesus gave me of letting everyone I meet know all about this incredibly extravagant generosity of God.' acts 20.24 the message

blah

God is so awesome. wow!! i love him so much. he's.... there are no words to describe how wonderfully amazing he is. well last night was fun. michael ending up having a meeting at work and got off around 7. he came over and lauren, michael and i went to fuddruckers. that was a lot of fun. it's always fun when we hang out but we talked about so many things and just sat there for a while so that was cool just to take a break. then we went and rented '10 things i hate about you' (because i hadn't seen it and lauren wanted me to see it) and 'empire records' (just because that's an awesome movie) so we watched '10 things i hate about you' it was pretty good i love julia stiles so that made it even better. well we found out monday at 10am (New York time) that is when we'll be having everything for my uncle. so sunday night i will fly out and either tuesday or wednesday night i will be back. ... am i being selfish for the way i feel about my stepdad? people keep telling me i'm not but i still almost have a guilty conscience or something even though i know he did so many things wrong and i hurt so bad. my mom is really being supportive of my feelings and that makes me feel a lot better. today's a really busy day for me and i still have so many wandering thoughts that i can't seem to piece together and i'm just having a really ruff day. but God is so amazing in everything he does i just keep looking at him and getting my guidance from him. i hate feeling the way i do. how many of you guys eat by yourselves??? don't you feel awkward and weird if you do? how can you eat by yourself? michael can and i just don't get it. i get to see my dad soon hopefully... i'm glad about that.

OUCH!!

... forgiveness... what a hard thing to do. and what a strong word. well that was really interesting going to my first counseling with my stepdad today. it really made me realize a lot of the things that get me aggrevated with him and just where a lot of the pain is. it all seemed so fake... was it really? did i really mean some of the things i said. should i try to have a relationship there. why do i get so physically ill when i hear that voice or see those eyes? why do i get frightened and angry and want to rage? why did so many things have to happen in my childhood? why does my daddy have to be so far away? ... especially when i need a hug from him so badly right now. i'm just about to break down. i'm trying to do something and i just keep getting shot down. i just really need that extra push from God right now to give me the strength i need to fight through this. so i can be happy once again- all over the place. i need some help. maybe i already have something but just can't realize what that something is to help me go even farther in what i'm trying to do. ugh...

GOD IS SO AWESOME!!! God is so extravagantly amazing and nothing else should come before him or in the way of him and us. well the rest of today went pretty ok after i finished crying about my uncle. my sister came over and we started to watch pirates of the carribean until she had to leave. then i started to finish lauren and i's collage that was exciting. then i had dinner with suzanne and steve. steve's so great he really cares. then i went to community group and it was all girls: jessica, lien, shannon, christy, sue, and me so that was pretty cool i was surrounded by all my Godly women friends and we had an awesome discussion and it just helped me focus on things that i should be changing on in my prayer life. well the funeral home is being quite aggravating about the date for when we wanted to have it done so i don't know quite yet when i will be leaving to go back to buffalo. it's so hard to take it all in so today i've just been trying to take my mind off of it. then also one of my friends called today and we got to talking about God and i was having a difficult time explaining things and it was just i don't know blah. i wish he would just understand. sometimes i just can't seem to find the right words for the right person. you know? tomorrow is my first counseling meeting with my stepdad and i'm anticipating it to be a lot of pain but you never know maybe it will go great. i do have to give him credit about today though when he told me about my uncle he did give me the option of staying up there longer and seemed very concerned i was just angry with what happened and i guess i wish he told me differently but i don't think he meant anything rudely by it so that's good. i just really need some guidance from God right now in so many areas of my life and i'm just getting carried away with my thoughts and mixing them all up so i don't know exactly where i'm heading with them all.

Sad

well today i was all excited because i get to start my first blog and mon. & tues. community groups went amazing then just now my stepdad asked me out to lunch with him and my sister's boyfriend. so we went to panera bread and almost the whole meal was silent which i thought was weird and then he goes has your mom called you lately i was like yeah she called me last night i thought that was awkward and he gave me this funny look. i said 'oook'. he said 'well uncle bill passed away.' (rude way to tell it.) i was shocked he just got out of the hospital last night from his heart attack i thought he was doing good. i couldn't hold anything in i broke down right there at the round 3 person table in panera bread in front of almost a whole restaurant full of people. my mind was wandering what do i say? is my aunt ok? are my sisters ok? how come this happened? i felt torn apart and it all had to happen while i was still here in houston again. once again i was not home in buffalo, new york when something went wrong. but then i talked to my cousin and found out that last night he was crying out to God and gave his life to him and kept praying and he was in agonizing pain last night. which made me grateful to know that he is Heaven with my God and at peace. but i'm still hurting but i know my God will take care of that overtime. so i'm just praying now for healing for me and the rest of my relatives.