yo le odio. ahora lo que es usted yendo a hacer.

i'm holding everything i have in me not to punch. it is making just want to scream out. there are some many things that i want to say because i know that they'll make him hurt and that's all that i want him to feel. how stupid can someone be. ugh. this is driving me insane. i'm trying to not to shed that one tear that just keeps coming. i have to run away from it. i feel no fear or not one bit of love nor like. everyone is terrified. i wish that it would just happen one more time to me and that it would end it all... for good. i get physically ill. all i can hear is that voice that just gets me so angry. or even just seeing that truck. ugh. i've been having no emotions since friday night except for the anger that is built up inside me and it keeps building. i want to so badly take my fist and show... ugh. last night for a few moments i had forgotten it all. and it made me feel good. it was with my bestfriend and her amazing boyfriend. how good it felt to know that everything is the way it should be there. there is that voice. it's my key to go.

hard like rock marshmallows...

i love sarahandmark. i love the townhouse. i love pappasito's. yesterday was a really good day. i had work in the morning. then after i got off i met up with lauren and we ate at panera bread. then we went shopping while we waited for her cookie cake that she was taking to work to get finished. of course it took us forever to find something seeing that friday marvin and i are getting dinner together. where, what the dress code is, everything... i don't know. he won't tell me. i can only guess and hope that i look good and am dressed right. ugh. boys. tonight i get to work with him. well anyways after that lauren had to go back to work and i went to go see markandsarah's townhouse and for sarah and i to do our Bible study. the townhouse is great and it doesn't matter that they don't have it totally furnished because they are great and you don't need furniture to have a good time. i love them. then sarah and i went away from mark so we could do our Bible study. oh i love her. i love God so much. He is making us grow so much closer and learning ways to help each other and to stay strong with Him. it's so amazing to see what He's done in that relationship and to see what He's doing in sarah's life. afterwards we sat around and laughed at hard marshmallows. oh sarah. silly girl. and then we decided to eat at the hole in the wall chinese place. well while we were pulling out sarah remembered they only take cash so then we decided to go to pappasito's. we decided to eat outside. while we were sitting down we saw this couple a table away that goes to st. mark that mark new from his ministry there. we had chipotle shrimp for an appetizer. ( yes chipotle is a spice not just a restaurant. hehe. just kidding) then mark had chicken enchiladas with salsa verde. sarah and i shared queso flamillado with chicken. we really enjoyed it. i love that couple so much. God has really formed a great relationship and let me have a friendship there with them. how amazing is that. this weekend sarah and i might be spending the night together. that's cool. i'm happy today and i'm looking forward to tonight.

whisper...

Just whisper his name and mr. magnet poetry magically appears!!!

you know it all so well...

yeah. stuck, i suppose. no words can express the emotions i feel right now. i'm looking forward to tonight with my 'frat party community group'. i know i can say what i feel and have a smile without it being anywhere near not being real or sincere. lately every now and then i have been pushing that smile out of me. especially here at the house. this week has turned into being so long and i want it to end. it's as if there were a clone here and it causing that volcano to erupt.

i just want to do what souza said:

dance, as though no one is watching you.

love, as though you have never been hurt before.

sing, as though no one can hear you.

yeah. that would be so great. i'm in a happy but upsetting mood. i just feel like crap. not physically, but emotionally. i'm drained i guess. but today i know that my God has given me His grace, my favorite person will be at work, my rusty will be at community group, my bestfriend and i will see each other. that's what will keep that smile on my face today.

butterflies in my tummy.

yesterday was good. i went to kaleo. then debbie, my rusty, suzanne, lauren, mr. brown cow, tom, mary, brittany, and i went to red robin for lunch. well i have been trying to get my hair cut for about a week now and it hasn't happened well i was trying to figure who to go with me because suzanne, tom and mary were going jean shopping, lauren was working, mr. brown cow was yeah just being him so then lauren goes well take your boyfriend and then michael and suzanne at the same time 'take odie' 'take marvin' and i said to lauren i don't have a boyfriend. well anyways i call him to see if he'll go and he tells me he is sick. well after i hang up everyone starts ganging up on me and telling me to bring him soup. if you know me you only think you do because as michael says 'i can't believe it emily is girly around marvin, she's actually a girl.' so of course i'm freaking out getting nervous saying no i can't do it. well i took lauren to work and she gets me chicken noodle soup to go with bread and stuff. i then get to his house. i'm panicking so bad by now. i almost left. i call him and said since you said you were sick i brought you a surprise so come outside. (lauren told me what to say. obviously) well he comes outside hair undone (i love his hair), pale with rosy cheeks, no shoes, plain white shirt and black slacks telling that his mom made him go to church this morning but he immediately started lying down when he got home, but with a large smile on his face. so i said i got you chicken noodle soup. (by the way he likes carrabba's a lot) he kept saying thank you and apologizing that he was sick. i kept telling him it was ok i didn't care. he had a fever and kept getting the chills. i told him to eat his soup and sleep and get better and that i would see him at work on tuesday. he said ok thankyou again gave me a big hug and then i left. i can probably guarantee that i was blushing i was so nervous. so now you all know i can be a girl. my heart was beating so fast as i left. as if i had run 5 miles or something. i'm excited for tonight. i have my community groups. i love them so much and they all get to hear about the adrenaline flow i had over at marvin's house.

i want to cry.

my wonderful amazing beautiful pin-striped heroes, the yankees. they lost. i cried. and now i have a tear rolling down my cheek. i cry every now and then again about it. i also think the red sox got swept and i smile. we fought our battle as many other pin-striped heroes and champions before us have and we followed in those footsteps. we gave the los angeles angels a battle. but we lost. i hate saying that. but next season we will take all. one day i still even though knowing i passed my opportunity i still wish to be one of those pin-striped heroic champions with the amazing derek jeter...

marvin odum jr.

i love people with sr. jr. etc. in their name it makes me smile. marvin finally got to meet my friends. part of kaleo. he liked them. they liked him. i couldn't stop smiling. everyone approved. and gosh i love mark. he invited him to kaleo. yay. he already told me he would come this week but seeing that he thought mark was really cool he said yes. we ate at carrabbas and watched my beautiful best friend (which i so long to hang out with again) [everything is perfect with her...] serve us. of course you all know me i gave her a bunch of crap just because i can. but she said yes about mr. marvin odum jr.!!!!!! you don't know how happy that makes me. sarah said yes too. my other best friend. i was grinning from ear to ear. (more like all the way around my head) we had such a delightful time (do i sound funny i think i do) when i was picking him up his dog got loose and wouldn't come back in the house. so he was running around trying to catch him and i watched.(i'm so helpful right... his sister was there too.) well anyways i wasn't lusting after him but i realized again why i like him so much. and it wasn't because i was watching him (even though he's absolutely gorgeous. i think he is the cutest guy i've ever met.) it was because of the gentleman he was to me. it made me feel good. anywho when we were leaving we got in the car and he told me how much he liked my friends and how he wanted to hang out with them again. it was the first thing he said. without me asking! and he told me thanks for asking him to come. he said he'll come on sunday. o marvin. i can't wait for debbie to meet him. and of course my jessica. then i got to work with him on thursday night. we did to-go together. yay. it was a lot of fun. i had a really good time. yay. i like marvin.

abogada. no. quizá.

work is great. i love my job. but today was even better. i got to see my favorite person i work with (and it's not marvin.) it was just a really good day. we talked a while. he made me laugh. and it was good. i smiled. long time. i haven't been smiling to much for real the past couple days but today i was. that's all that matters to me. i'm happy. he's just funny, caring, yeah you have to meet him and hang out with him to understand. but when we talk i just feel good. but yeah work is great. did i say i love my job? even though i'm working mon. 9.30-4.30, tues. 11-4.30, wed. 9.30-2/2.30, thurs. 9.30-2/2.30 and back at 3-10ish, fri. 9.30-6.30ish, sat. 4-10.30. i love it. i should be off saturdays soon. i don't like working them to much but once i see that guest smile or see my regular (when upset) i smile and it's alright. i remember why i love what i'm doing and no matter how many guests are upset (normally not to many. i run that host stand well. hehe.) i don't care. i'll take care of them and when they walk out that door i will see them smile and i will smile and feel good. my job is great. i just love it. i love it when i'm there. today i found out i got pappas spirit. we have these different award things every week and i got one of them. so anywho i got a $20 gift card to old navy. i like shirts. so that made me happy. i'm just gigantically smiling. i'm having a good day.