i'm back. growse.

well i solved my huge but silly problem. out here by my mom's house it is raining and there is this walmart not to far away; a grocery store and regular walmart, it is. so i went because i had to have the ink cartridge for the printer the other one was only printing half of my stuff and i need it for work in now an hour. so i headed out. well i got there and you think there are other people shopping yeah no they work for walmart too. there was literally about 30 or 40 people stocking all over that store. well i went to get the cartridge and they are locked up so it must have been some stupid kids problem that stole one once. well anyways so i decided i would go figure out food because they probably would not want me roaming around with something they keep locked up. well i ended up deciding on froot loops with vanilla bean ice cream. i am not just weird but i got this idea from the kellog something maybe factory. i can't quite remember but anyways i was talking to my mom the other day while flipping through channels on the tube. and we came on this show about food made in the 50's or something and they were talking about kellogs so yeah there was a kid eating this at the factory place. and i've been craving it ever since. so yay! today is going to be a fun but crazy day going on a few days without sleep. it's all hitting me now. i'm cold from being wet from the way. oh i forgot to tell you about the rest of my story. so anyways i get the food and head back to get the cartridge i literally stood there for 20min. while 3 people were looking for him. he finally came. well it was hailing when i left. so now i'm wet cold and tired. ugh. let's get this day started already.

ayudame por favor

i'm going to scream. i'm freaking out and being insecure again. i just finished getting everything ready for my meeting today and now i'm freaking out abou the food and i think i might change the recipe. but i'm still bringing my debbie's cheeseball no matter what. ahhhh. i'm freaking out. this can not be good for me. i sound so stupid. ugh.......

stuck.

ugh. i'm being driven insane. i just want to scream. la paliza de mis marcas de nudillo que mí duermo. y por la mañana yo me siento el dolor. although i have not done it in a week. that's how i felt. awful. but why? duele. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of trying to figure this all out. resolviendo quién yo soy. i'm tired of sitting here thinking about everything and wondering what is going to happen next and wishing that it all wouldn't go this way and they i could change everything to be my way. but that is selfish and then i would not be who i am. whoever that is. and the sad part is that i really would not change it if i could. i don't think. i would just... i don't know. ugh. ay.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ay duele.

angry. hurting. smiling.

everything went well. better than expected. but one thing i found out. a lie. why. it would've started more problems if we had not talked. it would have ruined an awesome relationship. why. what is the gain of this. why are they all against it. this makes no sense. i just want to scream. yell about it all. when i spoke there was no response. whatsoever. why. what is going on. what is going on behind all these faces. all these lies. ugh.

ayúdeme por favor.

God.
please give me the words to speak today. please give me peace to do this. i'm tired of playing this stupid game. thinking of other ways to do this and none seem to make me feel more comfortable. as i thought yesterday i hurt even more and as i thought of this i knew it was right and almost couldn't wait to do this. knowing everything would be in the open and there would be no fooling around anymore. but as i wait to have this conversation it seems to frighten me more. why. i do not know. i don't fear things. i'm asking You now to grant Your grace on me one more time. please give me Your words to speak. let this be what You want. God will this make us trust each other more. will we grow to a different understanding of each other and You. God i'm starting to panic. please watch over me today. if this is not Your will then let it stop before it happens. i'm so nervous. why i never have a problem talking about anything else. i'm being such a girl.
help me today. please.
in Your amazing name...

my unspoken words...

ese golpe a través de mi cara por mi padrastro. las palabras que yo sólo dije dos acerca de. ahora mi mentira de ello regresa a mí. duele más que yo al fin. quiero correr pero mi primera zancada no vendrá. he aprendido a tratar con lo. estoy listo para éste el problema para estar sobre. i'm ready to speak now...