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well here we go... i'm aggrivated beyond belief right now. so much has been going wrong it seems. all though i know that it will all end up working out and soon enough i will think this was just a small thing but the stress and emotions coming from it are killing me. i'm hurting in oh so many ways. wishing that something could be done. or be done now i guess. some of it may never be resolved and i've come to face that which is killing me inside beyond belief. as i decided to actually finally face it and say yes that's the truth i just wanted to quit now. i feel as if i can't do it. this is all to much to bear it seems. i know with God being right by my side at all times that this is all just my sinful nature telling me these things but it's ruff and i'm not wanting to do what i should do. it seems as if it is extra but really it is the reality and i need to face it before i get hurt more. or even tortured. the other half... oh wow. there will be a private conversation going on in a private room. that i'm definitely somewhat dreading and then extremely excited for it to be finally happening. i hope all that needs to be acomplished are but like i said most of it will be resolved in january at the earliest. tears are what i'll be shedding and i'm hating myself for admitting that and allowing myself to. but i guess it shows that i am growing somewhat. i know i am but it's just hard and feels as if i'm stuck in the pit above my head. i need the strength and courage right now tremendously. what are the words. how should i say them. how will they be taken. what will the reaction be of everything. it's so much. my heart is rushing with more that sixteenth notes with grace notes. which of course is not the right way to phrase that but i like that way much better. my heart is aching. and i'm ready for it to stop. i'm ready for a family of my own. i'm ready for someone to be by me supporting me fully and directing in which way i need to turn. i'm ready for someone to go behind that closed door with and get me help. and that's enough to be said.

ay. no mas.

not knowing where to turn right now. well besides for God obviously. my foot is broken. my heart is shattered. the wall is waiting yet i'm trying to hold back. why. i don't understand. it sits there everyday in that same spot waiting for me to fail once again. all i have to do is stay away. yet for some reason i seem to not be able to. work is just overwhelming. not because of the work itself. only due to the fact that i work with some jerks. it just kind of sucks. but whatever right. there must be a reasoning for it. i'm struggling to stay sane right now and i hate that. i'm hating that the only time i feel like writing is when i'm upset. or when i do feel like writing when i'm happy i don't feel like sitting here. i'm hating that they are not replying. it hurts. i can't do anymore.

a struggle between this thing and someone...

making a decision. one that i realized as i sat in shattered pieces staring back at me. things that entice me beyond my want. wishing there were something i could do. wondering of how i can have control. how can i be able to manage this situation. it's a magnet to me. as hard as i try i keep being pulled back. more like coming back. there's a gap between me and this thing. why i can't grasp onto it i don't know. everyone else seems to just fine. then there he is. just patiently trying to help me. and i so badly want to say yes but how come i keep pushing away. when really that's all that i want.

drowning.

today was an odd day. not sure what i'm feeling right now. i'm hurt i know that. i'm also feeling ok though. i'm confused.

why do you care so much. what's your deal. why would you sit there just to tell me every detail to get me to breathe normal again. why would you spend the time to listen to me shed those tears. why would you call until i answer. why do you want me to come. why do you want to teach and show me. why do you go further than you would ever be asked to. why are you helping me. how come i know that if i hit call you would answer. how come you want me to know things. you want me to be able to see as others do, why.

you complicate things. or maybe it's me.

but i do not understand that whatsoever. i don't understand how come you go further than you would ever be asked to.

i thank you. I THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. for showing me what this smile really is and means.

laundry needs to hurry up. i have to pack. ugh.

pictures of you i adore...

well thursday i was at work. i had 2 more things to do and then i was done. i would've been done before i had planned on so nicole and i would have had more time. well riggle and i had to talk to austin about banquets and buying clothes so we went. well she got really excited about a banquet and stepped into me. she stepped on my foot and caught herself on the line. well i fell down. a bustub of bean bowls fell (neither one of us knows which one hit them. we don't remember feeling it.) some of them broke. we could not stop laughing. so i picked up the broken pieces and put the bustub of unbroken bean bowls back and stood up. i felt as if i could not breathe and my back was tense and having sharp pains. austin sent me to the clinic to find out i pulled something in my back. told to wear a back brace and take medicine for a week. i'm supposed to go back and see him again tomorrow. i'm feeling a lot better now. well i left there and went and met up with nicole. we went and saw esteban at sito's 1. it was exciting. we decided what changes we thought they should make to improve their store. haha. then we headed to wharehouse live.

the concert was so beyond amazing. i fell in love with this band maxeen! they make me smile oh so very much. well when halifax came on and these idiots that showed up to the show late decided to start a mosh pit. they hit me right in the back. it hurt so bad. immediately after they hit me the security got up to stop it and then halifax stopped playing to say to enjoy the show but not to start that stuff. ugh. i wish it could of been before they hit me. well later when the spill canvas was playing i saw tim the lead singer of sugarcult across in the ballroom so i told nicole seeing that she's in love with him to go over there. of course she was getting to nervous so we went and i got maxeens cds. the old one and their brand new one that you can't buy in stores yet! so yay! and we met shannon from maxeen!! he's so funny. well then after we waited and she got to meet tim and take her pic with him and all. haha she's so cute. and then sugarcult came on.

it was so beyond amazing. i really like them. i'm glad she introduced me to them. it's nicoles favorite band. they are good on the cd but they are truly outstanding live. so yay! we are going to see them when they come back.

saturday i thankfully had a break and got to eat at niko niko's wtih desi. it was nice.

sunday i went to kaleo and enjoyed being next to richard and being able to worship with him. afterwards markandsarah, michaelandlauren, jessieandbecca, amy, mason, maleah, drew, tracy, CLINT, and i went to goode co. and had a wonderful lunch. then that evening i was able to spend it with my mom.

it was nice. we got pizza hut stuffed crust pizza. which i had been craving. and then i got 4 dvds from blockbuster because they were having a sale and we watched elizabethtown. it was a cute movie.

yesterday i was having a pretty ok day and then. ugh. it just stopped in a heartbeat. i didn't know how to respond to what was going on. i didn't know how to deal with what i was feeling. luckily someone was there to help. somewhat. i'm so happy that i was able to talk to them. i had a interesting dinner with my brother and sister since i won't really see them before i go to newyork.

afterwards i went and had a nice chat with amy at brazil coffee house. i never knew of this place but i really liked it there. i'm definitely looking forward to going back. yay! but anyways we had such an enjoyful conversation. i'm really glad we were able to do this. we are so much more a like than i realized. she makes me smile.

today i'm going to be very busy. right now i'm doing something that i've been wanting to do for so long but have been procrastinating. putting all of my newer cds on my ipod. what finally pushed me over the edge was my creature. haha. i love her so and can not wait to see her on saturday. yay! i miss her. ugh. but then i have so much shopping to do for new york and for riggle. i can't wait to surprise her tomorrow morning. yay. but then i also have to drop my bro and sis off at practices make it out to community groups come home load more music while i do my laundry and maybe go to the store otherwise i will finish that with my long list of things to do tomorrow as well.

thursday i go to new york.

in a couple weeks i see nick!

'pretty girl sitting next to me...'

ok here we go. well i'm amazed by how God works. totally and utterly amazed. i'm learning something that applies to me now and that i will use later in life. i'm learning what love is. real love. unconditional love. amy hartley is truly amazing. she's letting me love on her kids as if they were my own. and how i love them with all my heart. they are beyond a blessing in my life. and the fact that they are excited for me to come over and sad to see me leave literally brought a tear to my eye as i drove away tuesday. those kisses and puddle of tears sitting on my shoulder were what went through my mind constantly for the rest of the night. those tears on my shoulder made me smile when no matter how ok it was as soon as mom came it was all better. and only a mother could do that. as i see all this and as God is blessing me with being such an amazing teacher once again i can't but help and be selfish and wonder and wish that i could of had this. it hurts to know i didn't. the love that ericandamy shed about these 2 beautiful creations is all that i can wish for me to bestow upon my own childeren when God blesses me with them. later this same evening i was only blessed even more to spend the evening with a awesome couple. markandsarah. how much i care for them. i thank God every chance i can for putting them into my life. there are no words to describe what they mean to me.i saw amalie for the first time. and just as sarah said it was wonderful. i loved it. i am completely consumed by jet right now. i'm absolutely loving there new cd. the one song is repeating constantly in my head. yay! tonight God showed me his kindness once again by letting be able to spend sometime with my bestest friend and her fiance. yay! i got my hair cut and i'm pretty excited. i'm liking it. i'm so glad she was with me. it made it all the better. and i think it may have ended up helping me more wedding plans. yay. just realized i had forgotten about my laundry but we fixed that issue now. so yay. new york is literally a week away. i'm very nervous. but completely excited at the same time. a couple weeks and i see nick. i'm exstatic. this is going to be a very fun trip. i'm so happy that he's excited about it. and i finally get to actually see this city he loves so much. how awesome is that. tomorrow is the sugarcult concert with my bestfriend. i'm so excited to have a girls night out with her. we both definitely need this i know. and we get to see estaban before hand. yay. and breakfast with mi madre? probably and that makes me smile. te amo mama. so you know life's been hard. i've definitely been feeling down a lot but right now it's good. i had a very wonderful and much needed conversation tonight. there is a giant smile on my face.

nevermind.

got on here because i have a lot to say. but now that i'm here i don't feel like doing this so much. so yeah i will do this later. but let me say i love sarah. and her husband. and jet. and riggle.

my heart is broken into a thousand pieces, but it's being mended. i hope.

'should i start this off with a question?'

there is beyond enough going on right now that i can hardly contain myself. this post will probably end up being all over the place. emotionally, thoughts, chronilogically, everything. it's ruff for me to do. but for those of you that read it i'm sure that you are probably the person if i want to read it. so please read all the way through. if you don't make it through that's ok too. ajglkh. yes. that's it.

i'm so beyond blessed with the amazing friends God has provided me with. there is nothing else that i could ask for. it brings a smile to my face everytime i see them. i'm trusting God with as much that i can. i can honestly but shamefully say that i'm not giving Him my all right now. and that hurts. i'm trying to but i keep seeming to fail. i would love to be able to with no matter what i do have the first thought be God. and i know it will take time to get there but i'm struggling all together. this is so very hard for me to admit to. He's there no matter what guiding me and all i can sit here and do is slap Him in the face and mock Him. how hard is that to take in that fact that we all do it no matter how hard we try. i feel like crap.

markandsarah are truly outstandingly amazing. they are truly an influence to me. there marriage is beyond amazing. that relationship makes me smile the biggest smile i could. i truly look up to them and strive to have a relationship just like that. they are one of the biggest most amazing thing in my life right now. i may not see them as much as i would like but everytime i do i feel as if i see them everyday. nothing hidden. God has touched me with sarah and i can not thank Him enough. sarah thank-you for everything. you do so much for me and i never even speak. i'm sorry that it hurts at times to see it. i'm trying with all my heart to complete this revolving door cycle of everything. thank-you for being by my side as i do it. i hopefully can talk soon. i'm working so hard on that door. i regret everything that happened. although yes i know it is not my fault i regret it somehow. i'm hurting and breaking and i just can't say how much you mean to me. and your outstanding husband, thank-you mark. from the beginning of our relationship. i remember the first time i honestly connected with you was at the stregers on there couch and i cried in your arms. thank-you from then until now. i once again want to thank-you for all that you are trying to help me do.

work is beyond crazy. i'm so honored to have the job that i do and be able to do what i do. i'm so exstatic that austin finally said bar seminar saturday here you go. i will finally officially be trained to wait tables. a little over a year now. now i will not get in trouble when they come in and see me. i will be able to do some things i have been dieng to do. i can't wait. i know what the first shall be...

i'm just dreading the hours for 9 shifts this week and next week as well. it's going to be hard working those 3 doubles and only having one day off but here i go...

nicole is another friendship God has blessed me with. she is alot of what i need right now. i hope that i can do the same. from what she says i feel it is. i don't know if i even have the words to express everything that i feel towards this except that thinking of it makes me exstatic. i love her so very much! thank-you for all that you have done for me. listening to me talk about nothing for however long i will go for. even when it's about dooshbag bomb dropper:) i hope that makes you smile. for telling me whatever and not hindering to do so. for just being you and making me smile, calm me down, make me excited, whatever else. the only thing i can wish is that God do more here.

ink. i'm beyond excited about my tattoo. i want more. THANK-YOU BESTEST FRIEND! that was the best birthday present i ever got. and i got it when i really needed it. i needed those smiles, laughs, and conversations. thank-you for holding my hand and squeezing it so i didn't have to. you are truly my other half.

that's all that is needed to say there. you know the rest of what i'm thinking. because that's how freaking awesome you are!

i want to show my photography. so here is some. (may end up being more than i plan...)

you know even though so much is going on with my papi and all. i'm really comforted by it all. and i know that that is God and God alone. nothing else in the world could make me feel the way i do. there is no other explanation. i don't know if that means it won't happy as soon or what but what i do know is that i'm ok with everything. yes it is hard and yes i've definitely shed some tears over it but i'm ok.

i'm liking bobby hilll very much. i'm so excited about this new friendship we are developing. it's so awesome. God you are so tremendously amazing! thank-you.

kaleo makes me smile. i definitely enjoy every second of that place. it's so amazing and what God is doing there, there are no words to explain. i wish i could but i can not.

i'm wanting to go shoot some photos. i'm wanting to get to painting ryan's shirt. i'm wanting to go to kemah. i'm wanting to go to the art gallery and wandering around aimlessly. i'm wanting to go to galveston. i'm becoming to nervous and excited about going to ny. i'm freaking out but am becoming very impatient to go to new orleans with ryan and see nick. it'll be hard. i am becoming hyped about what i am planning to do for 2 amazing people.

lastly.

this is intended as a letter. all may read though.

ryan.

you amaze with everything that you do. as i sit here and type all i do is smile and want to cry. not just because of you. and nothing that you have done. because i know how much God has blessed the two of us. because i know no matter what i say and no matter how many jokes you make that you and i are both feeling the same thing. that i know i ruv u and you ruv me too :) because i know what an amazingly tremendous guy you are and that when God and you are ready you will be blessed with someone amazing. that it will be everything that you have prayed for, everything you hoped for. you will have such and amazing relationship with whomever God has set aside for YOU and ONLY YOU!!!! that i can not wait to see. i want to thank-you for all those late nights. no not for that. for listening to me. for caring. for showing me what you think of me. i'm sorry i don't always make it easy and take it and say thank-you but i try. it just hurts. because of all of my past. i am so sorry. i love you with all of my heart. i know you know all of this. but i need to put it into words for you. i thank-you for putting up with me and all of my terrible stories, things that annoy me, things i do to annoy you (because i said so...), standing by me through everything, for telling me that i'm beautiful, for supporting this relationship that i feel is right, for being strong when i can't resist (even though i allow you to not be..), for playing your guitar for me, for going with me to get my tattoo (both times, and for wearing that shirt!), for driving me when i needed to get away, for driving when i couldn't, for putting up with my indecisiveness, for dealing with the fact that i just didn't want to take a picture there, for being my model, for looking at me with that thought in your eye, for dealing with me at work, for taking care of me when i feel that everything is falling through my fingers, for making me smile NO MATTER what is wrong!, for not answering that call when i'm there, for not touching me with your feet, for letting me tickle you when i just can't resist, for coming over to my house, for avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable, for going to eat with me at places that you don't like, for giving me your cd, for that weird thing you like to do with my beltloops (it makes me laugh; although it is so awkward), for listening to me ramble about whatever (like black vodka), for being so honest, for waiting for the beatles booth, for sitting in the beatles booth before i got there :), for not making our phone calls so uncomfortable, for walking me to my car, for all the other little things you do, for being so cute, for being so very honest, for being or doing whatever i need you to do. you are the best friend anyone could ever have and you are mine and i thank you for that. thank-you for trying to learn city love and it's ok that it's not possible i still ruv you :) everyday i think of you and i smile and pray and thank God that He gave me you and that i know no matter what you will still be there for me at the end of the day. thank-you for telling me whatever you feel like, telling me everything that happened in your day. for just sharing EVERYTHING with me. i'm dieng for the next time i see you already and it's only been a few hours. maybe you will call at 2.22 or maybe i will be with you at 2.22 that would be even better!! i ruv you so very much and could not ask for anything else. i really honestly love you ryan.

you made my day today also; by the way...

p.s. i don't care if there are spelling errors. you'll have to get over it this time.

deep in thought of my feelings.

sgfbngfhds

well that's from someone that i absolutely adore that is sitting here with me right now. it's been a fun night. i worked this morning and that was ok but it was just a little frustrating. my mind seems to not be here nor is my heart it is somewhere else and i'm feeling awful about that. wishing that i could have different words to say and things to do but i don't. i'm wishing that this would come already so that i can have these butterflies dissappear. i'm hoping that everything will go well. all i can do is trust in my Lord that everything will be done in His will. i've been praying and feel ok but i'm still so very nervous. i'm definitely not confident whatsoever. but totally looking forward to it. i had an awesome night though. my mind was in other places but yes i enjoyed myself. ryan and i got my plane ticket to go see mi papi and then we went to chili's to see my amazing friend kyle. we used to play ball together way back in the day when we were cool kids. we were first every season. just cause of kyle and i. haha. what fun. and then ryan and i hung out. oh what fun. it makes me smile. yay.

i'm hoping he'll call tomorrow. i highly doubt it. but i'm sitll hoping.

oh those butterflies...

craving more of that sweet sound...

what i'm feeling awful. only one thing kept me smiling all day today. john mayer's new cd. don't get me wrong i did smile to other things but this in particular is what did it. if i listened to something else i don't know if i would have done half the stuff i did today. mason made my day. (yes nick i do know happiness. i suppose) i wanted to cry when he took off his fire chief mason helmet and looked into my eyes with those big blue eyes that hold so much and told me as he jumped onto me wrapping his arms around my neck and said emily, i love you and then gave me a huge kiss. i just smiled and sat there wishing he were mine. nothing else to describe today. mason. MASON I LOVE YOU AND YOU ABSOLUTELY MADE MY DAY!!!!!

nauseated

i want to write. i want to update. but i'm stuck. i'm definitely at a loss for words.

except for the words i would like to share with nick but can not. soon we will have a wonderful discussion and then from there maybe i will be able to let these words out. i wish he would get back already. i want to talk to him. plus what is he doing out shopping right now.

bendesa

i want this all to be over. EVERYTHING. i'm wanting to flee. just bolt. all i can think is 'i don't know how much help i will be but you can run here.' i don't want to. i want to just be content with where i am for once. no regrets. this is sounding gay cause i can't think straight whatsoever right now.

i want to cry.

stillness. so great.

i hated that conversation. i hated doing that. but it needed to be done. ugh. i'm such a jerk. hopefully it will be understood. it's hard to do it knowing that there is other stuff too. it's so easy to say what to do but once you are there and it's all going on you can't do it. that's what sucks. but i did. which is good in the end. but i just hate doing it that's all. i wish i had her there with me to do it. because then i wouldn't have. ugh. nevermind. i feel like such a jerk for even writing this.
ugh.
the postal service. how nice. it's soothing right now. i'm enjoying being by myself, right now. well for now, how about that. that sounds better. just relaxing. i wish that i did not have to be up at 7 to go to work. sick. there is so much that i need to do. yet i'm sitting here typing this and procrastinating. ugh. i'm thinking way to much. to much for my own good at that. which is obviously not good, not good at all.
well i got a lot to get ready for tuesday evening. so i'm going to start working on that.
then phoebe cates, my elephant, and i will try to sleep in such an amazing comfort that i wish i had more of to surround me with. that sounds so stupid. whatever.

even though it kind of sucks right now this is a nice end to a great birthday.

thinking of something.

i'm here. with phoebe cates. indulging the fact that i have 4 days to myself. even though i had that conversation today and everything is much better. i'm still loving it. i'm loving that i can think and do my own thing. and concentrate on what i need to. today was a good birthday. all except for the fact that i missed my dad's call by a half hour. he will be calling me tomorrow night. but i was so waiting on that call all day and decided that it was probably not going to happen and of course when i was charging my phone he called. ugh. i hate this. i'm excited that i will be able to talk to him tomorrow and express myself and tell him what i feel knowing that no matter what he will understand. oh how i love and miss him. i can't wait.

i love nicole so much.

thank you for everything you do for me. listening to me. giving me advice. being there for no effing reason. making me an awesome cd. going to be going to american eagle because you got me a gc. yay. and for loving me. for being my best friend. thanks.

i'm feeling so special.

today. today was a good day. the night. the night sucked completely until right now when desi was so awesome and is having me over and then acted as if she was doing something and totally pulled out a ice cream cake from cold stone creamery that said happy early birthday emily. awww. so great. and it was cotton candy flavored with gummy bears inside. how awesome. yay! that made my day. i definitely needed something to cheer me up! i like her.

i'm hurt. bendesa. ahh.

eff you. i hate this so much. you make me want to scream and do things i haven't done in months. i want to be gone and not have to deal with this anymore. i want to live my own life without you breathing down my neck. i want this ugh. you piss me off. i need to do this and i don't give a shit what you think. i wish you would let me do this and stop killing me. ugh.
quiero.

i should just ask you to marry me now so you'll sleep.

ok lets see. where to begin. i can't seem to find the words that i'm looking for so this is probably going to turn out really bad. you don't have to read. i just need to get stuff of my chest before something else happens. new york. what to say. it was busy. it was a lot. it was hard. it hurt. it was exhausting. it was well needed. it some what helped. it made me happy. it made me sad. it made me angry. it made me hurt. it made me smile. i'm glad it's over. i need to think. i need to be alone for a little while. or with him. or her. either way would work. i just need to let the thoughts out. think this all through. figure out what i think is best. for me. for once i need to finally think about me and decide what would help me out the most. something that i obviously never do. i've been so happy. yet i've been hurting and torn up oh so very much. what is going on. i've gotten to an awful point so many times. why. i've been so good and here i seem to go again. not yet. thankfully. i'm to afraid. i'm afraid i will do it. it's not just there. it's driving too. that's why i couldn't take them yesterday when i was so graciously given the opportunity. he wondered why and i did not want to explain myself anymore. i just said i can't do that right now. why that 'conversation', if that's what you want to call it, had to happen i have no idea. it's disturbing oh so much. why does he care. why does he write so much. oh mr. mp. how come you do. how come you know it all so well. how come you answer exactly when i need you to and how come you say exactly what i need you to at that moment. other times it could take forever. oh it's so awesome. i'm wanting to flee. how stupid is this. this probably makes no sense to anyone but me. not even her. she knows me better than anyone and i'm not quite sure if she would even get this. or maybe she would. maybe she would say yes and agree. maybe she would have so awesome advice, hopefully she clicks this. probably not. i want to write, i want to draw, i want to capture, i want to play, i want to listen. ugh.
drew left for san antonio today. he'll only be gone until tuesday though. he has a doctors appointment. but ugh. when he gets home we are going to start reading through the Bible together! i'm so excited! (no, not when we get home to my house! you make me smile) i'm ugh. there really are no words for this. i've been thinking about maybe ephesians. i just can't wait. this is what i've been wanting. this is it.
if this is. then why do i keep thinking about it. was he right today. maybe that is why. so that wouldn't have happened. would it have. it's very possible. should i have waited. is this truly right. maybe, probably it would have caused to many problems. there was so much there all ready that if i had waited another 18 hours that it could have changed so many things. i think there is something there that they are not telling me. but if that is true then they would have lied to me once again. which obviously i can see why. but then why did that guy say that a few weeks ago. is this other person thinking the same thing that i am. maybe i should ask them. but what if that causes even more awkwardness and issues. i don't know what to do. these thoughts are racing through my head and they are killing me.
i need her. i need her so badly right now. i need her advice.
i want to scream.

thank-you drew...

i'm home. i have so much to say. yet i'm lacking so many of the words i wish i had. i also have to get ready for work so i will write tonight after my awesome day!

quiero llorar. how odd is that.

FECHAMOS!

i'm sitting here with drewseph. yay! today sarah and i also went makeup shopping for her and i got some stuff to cheer up my awesome friend nicole! i miss her. and she was having a pretty bad day. aww. i ruv her. then we had our dessert. which i couldn't finished no could she so we saved them for mark and drew. then i came home. and now drew is with me!!!! and i'm happy. and smiling. i've smiled the most i have in a long time these past few days. finally! tomorrow is a long day that i'm not looking forward to at all. i will be able to call drew though if i need someone. yay! i'm so glad that i have him there. ugh. i'm not ready. not yet. i don't think i would ever be but it's just to much. but i'm afraid if i were to wait any longer i would lose it. i'm holding something back right now. and it's hard. and no ryan it's not ok to!!! ugh. jerk.

¡tengo el mejor día jamás!

well i'm just having such and awesome day and it is only going to continue so i could not help but stop and write some before i got up and continued to go. like i said this morning i spent it with these 2 freaking awesome hartley kids. i could not have asked for a better morning. i love them to death. we had so much fun. i got to meet mason's best friend sarah. and she's a sweetheart. i got to go down the fireman pole and feel like a real fireman. i got to be pounded into the floor by maleah. i got tons of hugs and kisses. i got to clean only because mason insisted and if i stopped then i got yelled at. we went to chic-fil-a. oh what fun. except for all the bullies in the kids area that were picking on my mason. all the moms thought he was my son. and even when i explained the story still insisted that he was mine. and of course it did not help that back to back mason and maleah came up calling me mom or mama. that made me laugh because i don't even know why they did but it was right at the perfect timing that made me feel like such a liar. i wish they were my kids though. i love them sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!! they didn't want me to leave today! that made me feel special. and they made me another drawing to go with their other one hanging in my room. and then after i left i stopped by my favorite flower shop off of fannin right before main. i believe it is the flower garden. i absolutely love that place! the orchard i want went down from $25 to $15 and i'm sort of suspicious to by it now because that is weird that they would mark down a flower. but anyways i went to get laurie a bouquet that ended up being beautiful. she loved it and so did i. yay! then as i got home i got this phone call from my amazing friend sarah who would like me to join her and her husband for dinner. then we will be having dessert at pappasito's so i can see nicole before i go. ugh. i'm still upset. but i will not let that ruin my awesome day. and then after that my drew is coming over and supposively 'helping' me pack but yeah that would be awkward so we'll probably just talk as i freak out. no sleep again tonight.

p.s.

i'm going to go hang out with some awesome kids. MASON! and MALEAH! heck yes!! i'm excited!

he's mine. all mine!

well it was a crazy night. boys, boys and more boys. if you were to go down there right now you would see about 7 or 8 boys just all over the place. oh so crazy. i got to watch the sunrise with the most amazing guy. he's so awesome. he loves God. he treats me well. very well. he is understanding and caring even when i'm not. he's helping me do things that i absolutely need to do and am struggling with. as i sat there in his arms and cried this morning because tomorrow i face it, i didn't want to leave. i want him to be there with me tomorrow. even though i know i need to do this on my own and then have him be there afterwards. i love how he says comments underneath his breath so quiet that i only catch a few words and have no idea what it is about and it keeps me pondering. i love how he laughs and says thanks. i enjoy seeing him try and act like he's going to make a decision when he is just as indecisive as i am. i love how as nervous as i am. i just don't care. i want him to know. i want him to see what is really going on. no lies. no cover-ups. maybe that is why i told so much. i like how he lies and tells me i am beautiful. i like drew. i really really do.

he's there. i was there. and amazingly today i left because of the bugs. i was annoyed too but that's not why. not today. i'm really proud of myself. i did what was right. of course it did influence me. those words. they did pierce but i somehow did not let it get to me. mr. magnetic poetry thinks i made a good decision. that made me feel good. actually it made me feel great. i needed that approval that i was doing what was best. it felt right but i still was having my doubts and hurting. well right now i'm excited. drew is coming over! yay! and if he gets here early enough... i think we'll go down there. just to kind of get him. you know. whatever. ok well i got to go.

he's always right. he knows me way to well. ugh. jerk.

finally here to update. today was pretty good. i'm still enjoying it. just struggling with feelings alot. lets see here well yesterday was a very long day. but it was ok. i just had to deal with austin who was driving me absolutely insane. and someone else. ugh. anyways austin was just in a bad mood because his boss clarence put him in one and i was the only one that really knew what was going on and i can understand but he didn't need to take it out on me like that. it just drives me insane sometimes. michael made me feel a lot better though. he kept me laughing. and bradley. oh bradley. he's so awesome. i think i just take my job way to serious but i can't help it. i can't stop. it just comes. when i am one minute off quote i start to freak out. when guest complain, even if they don't have a reason to be, i start freaking out. i just have to take a minute and breathe sometimes. no one else seems to care as much except a few people. it just sucks. whatever. anyways. well after a very long day at work a group of us were supposed to go to hard rock cafe to eat. well yeah that didn't work out and it ended up being just desi and i so we drove out there because online it says that they are open until 1. so when we got there at about 1150ish the lady said that the kitchen was closed but that we could sit at the bar until 12. we were like oh ok. so we decided we were going to go and eat and ihop and see drew! well on the way out we checked their hours and it said until 1 but we did not feel like dealing with it! ugh! I WANTED MY DESSERT!! any one who has hung out with me this past week knows that i do. well any ways we went to ihop and saw drew and it was good. i felt bad he didn't get off until 3.30 and then had to be at church at 7.30. so he ended up not sleeping at all. i feel awful. well kaleo was awesome. i really liked bill's message today. alot. afterwards we all went over to red robin. yay! probably the last time though. ugh. but it was good. drew is ugh. he's so nice. but a jerk. yeah. whatever. now i'm home. and my sisters are back. i'm wishing they weren't yet. not to be rude. i just wanted to be able to spend more time with just my mom. oh well. maybe mom and i can just go out. daniel's birthday is tomorrow! THE KIDS COME HOME TOMORROW!!! i'm so excited. ugh. FINALLY! i miss them beyond belief. i hate that man. and i feel sorry everyday. i want to be the one there instead. i don't want to have to have them deal with him or anything else about it. ugh. then tuesday i hang out with just about everyone but i'm chilling with the hartely kids!!!! heck yes. and later ryan!!!!!! and NICOLE!! YAY! i'm excited. and then wednesday...

you're white in the face with red. you're whiter than you're arms.' 'cool i want to see'

wanting to update but i think i can actually sleep right now. i'm beyond exhausted. think it has to do with all the blood i lost today. i'll write tomorrow probably.

páreme antes yo llego a esa pared.

today. today... words to describe. unpredictable. unexpected. probably the best. definitely needed. tomorrow will be great as well. at least i'm praying so. for you mr. magnetic poetry: 'thought i would let you know. if you still even read this. that i hope you figured out my last post. thought i would let you know that i was strong. strong enough to turn away. not even to get close enough. just thoughts about it were all. almost called you though. got that close. but obviously not close enough. have not since the last time i told you so. so about 2 or 3 months ago... i think. it hurts though. but trying so very hard. it's a day by day thing still though. not as bad some days but yeah. write me. maybe i'll write you when i'm done posting.' trusting is driving me insane. especially tonight for some reason. wishing that i knew how. wishing that i was comfortable with it. just praying that God gives me the wisdom and peace. ugh. why. why are all these thoughts flying through my head again. some of these i have not thought about for a very long time and here i sit thinking and pondering even more than i used to. i'm dyeing for the kids to get home. i'm missing them beyond belief. the first week was so hard. i never wanted them to go again and here two weeks later i sit wishing the same thing. just praying that they are brought home safely and that all this worrying is for no reason. that thought is racing through my mind again. and it's becoming even stronger tonight than it was last night. praying for it to stop. maybe i will call tonight. i just hate bothering him. and i haven't talked to him in awhile. i do not want that to be the phone call. i want him to hear how good i'm doing not that i have that thought again. this sucks. Lord, please surround me even more tonight. keep me here and not there. not there to let myself be more enticed to do these things i know are only going to hurt me even more in the end. it's a pure adrenaline rush. as much as i want it please stop me. in Your name. we'll just try to think about tomorrow. maybe even try to sleep. ugh.

mr. mp please.

right now i'm thinking of something i haven't done in a very long time. it's killing me. why. and the more i seem to think of it the more i can't seem to forget it. the more i want to do it. knowing i will regret. wishing for that last string to hold on to before i fall.

these eyes that tell stories...

not wanting to speak. not wanting to say the words that are going through my head. who knows how they will turn out. these things are driving me insane. i'm feeling pretty down today. and things just got a whole lot worse as i sat here and wrote only two sentences. what the crap. what is going on lately. this is beyond exhausting. i'm just wishing everything would stop for a little while. ay. Dios ayudame por favor. with everything. give me wisdom, strength, courage, a heart, and so much more. let me show that i can do this with only your help. this is so. ugh. this day was already hard enough and now tonight too. gosh. i want nicole. i wish she would ugh. please. i need this right now. today i did smile for a few hours. because of desi! she's so amazing. i like her. i really do. i can't wait for the next couple of days. i'm breathing to heavily. my heart is racing. and there is something on my cheek that belongs to my eye.

beyond a distance i will allow to reach.

what do i do? there are to many decisions to make. i hate decisions. they scare me or something. whatever that means. i'm hurting. once again. what else is new. this is why i'm nervous. is because of the thoughts i release are what gets you into what i'm thinking when you can't read me... today the kids left once again. they will be gone until daniel turns 11 in a week and half. ugh. then it's off to my buffalo. to face something harder than the next breath. it seems. even though it is nowhere close. i feel so ugh. just blah i guess. but yet abandoned. hurt. afraid. loved. happy. beyond sad. who knows. as i drew today and played a beat i felt so relaxed but so overwhelmed. one of these days i'm going to go. go nowhere. just go. to wherever i end up. turning whichever way feels right. that sounds so wierd. i'm cold. no actually i'm freezing. this bracelet is getting in the way. 'you're killing me smalls' haha. i can't get that out of my head. i love that movie so much. it makes me smile. i'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. even though it will be so completely stressful but yet i will be able to relax. yay. mis pensamientos me agobian. i'm loving my best friend nicole. she's so great. ah! how awesome. she makes me smile every day. yay. i'm so glad that we are friends and that i can feel comfortably telling her anything and everything. literally. i'm o sore. why are thoughts such a scary thing. ¿por qué quiero mantener todos los tan muy lejos?

nothing.

mark is hot! yay! what fun. every moment was fun. from preparing the food, setting up, having a fire happen on the grill, people showing up, games, dinner, people leaving. except one thing was not. sarah cut her finger pretty badly. aww. she'll be ok but i know it hurt and i'm still worried about her. i laughed alot and smiled alot. it was great. i'm so glad we were able to do that. and that i have such amazing friends! yay! i like them alot! movies and more movies. otra vez. so much fun. there were complications but only by something good. well i think so. actually i don't know. well then today and the crazy science museum. was nice to go there and be able to spend time just breathing and looking around except for that it was this huge wild field trip for almost all the camps! it was a madhouse. i came out with such a headache. oh well. i'm drained. really. just blah. i ugh. no words to say. just yeah. i can't even express the thoughts and feelings right now.

hurting in the worst way. Dios ayudame por favor.

sometimes it hurts more than i want it to. today. alot of stress last night at work. a dishwasher fell and broke his wrist and arm for sure they think he broke his leg too. he fell on the dishes he was carrying so he's pretty cut up too. 2 people and i are the only ones who actually saw it so my words mean alot. what if i used the wrong tense or something. ugh. so much in those words. you don't realize it until they count for everything. i guess the 2 other people didn't really see it either, they saw him falling but they didn't see how. i was the one to call 911. so much responsibility there too. ugh. i don't want it. not right now. i can't handle it. then today. wow. so many screw ups. not by me. i got stuck at work a couple extra hours due to it. then came home got changed and went back. talked to dad. also. AY! why does he not give a crap. i want him to care. i want him to understand. my heart is breaking papi. i cry everyday. i hate this. i don't want to cry. i cry randomly. por que. i hate it. i really do. i want to smile when i talk to him. not think is this the last time. AY!!!! 2 1/2 more weeks. i can't handle it. i have no energy. i don't want to move. i don't want to type. i don't want my eyes to be open. i don't want to think. i don't want this constant headache. i don't want this nausea. ugh. i saw ryan today. YAY!!!! for the first time in a week. that week is finally over. i'm ecstatic. i couldn't stand it much longer. this is ridiculous. why does he care so. i finally am able to call him up at 3.30am and not feel bad for doing it. if i needed someone to talk to. i know that alot of my friends say i can but i feel bad. him i don't. i have someone who can make me smile at work. i have one of my bestfriends back. tomorrow is kaleo. tomorrow is mark is hot! and i can't wait. hopefully i will smile ALOT! papi escoge parar. escoja vivir más largo. por favor, para mí­.

¿¡†THIEF!?

feeling better today. talked to my creature. that was nice. only like 2 more weeks left to go. yay! and i'm talking to nicole right now. as if that is new. haha. i'm missing ryan though. not missing some of his jokes. but yeah missing him so bad. i see him literally every day! and i have not seen him in 4days. AHHHH! 2more left. finally. it's going to be weird when i go to ny. a whole week without nicole or ryan. or nick. or lauren or sarah. or anyone else. (too many) but mainly nicole, ryan, and nick, and sarah. so weird. i see nicole 3 or 4 times a week, same with nick, and sarah and i try to hang out as much as our schedules will allow. oh goodness. i'm wearing my new kicks. just because i like them a lot. and cause they are puma. i've always wanted pumas. and they are brown!! i have puma cleats but this is my first pair of sneakers. yay!

today also was a little rough here and there. but it was not so overwhelming as it has been. which was good. i need a break from all this. going to ny will take away part of it. but not enough that i can breathe comfortable. just enough so i can breathe.

i wish nick would pick up his stupid phone or call me back already. gosh. stupid boys. i want to know how his eye is. ugh.

quiero ryan.

wanting some sleep tonight. i took a 'nap' yesterday for awhile. hoping i can sleep tonight. praying for a whole night. soon enough...

AY!AY!AY!AY!AY!AY!AHHHH!

forthoseofyouthatactuallysitehereandtakethetimetofigureoutwheretheonewordstopsandthenextonebeginsiwouldlikeforyoutoknowthatit'snotbecausei'mdoingthisbecausei'mfeelinglazybutithinkthatwhateverihavetosayinhereisforthoseofyouthatactuallywouldliketotakethetimetoreadthis.i'mfeelingkindofupanddowntoday.notknowingwhattothinkorwheretogoorwhattodo.justhere.justblah.whateverthough.i'mmissingryanso.it'swierdhimnotbeinghereandmehavingtobethereverydaywithnoonetocalmmedownwhenthingspissmeoff.liketodayihadnowordstosayandallididwasbroodwithangerwhichwassowrongbuthatwasallthaticouldo.youknowandthinkingaboutmydadwasdrivingmeinsane.ihadnoonetosayanythingtobecauseihateshowingweaknessandwithryaniknowicanshowitandhewouldnotthinkthatiwasbeingweakbutthatiwastrustingandthatmeanssomuchmorethanwhatever.newyorkwillbeheresoonenough.i'mdreadingthesenextcoupleofweeksasiwaitonityetiknowtheywillflybyasiftimewasnothereandthenagaini'mdreadingactuallybeingthereandhavingtofacetherealityandhavingtohavethatconversationwithhimandhavinghimputhisarmaroundmeagainandkissmyforeheadashetellsmeitwillbealrightyetiknowitwon'tanditakesuchcomfortinhisvoiceandwordsalthoughitismainlyhisfault.heknewheshouldhavestopped.whydidn'the.heknewwhatwastocomeofitifhedidn'tandyetheinsistedtobethestubbornmanthatheisandtocontinuetodoit.notcaringsomuchastowhatiwouldthinkormysistersormystepmom.why.idonotknowyetiknowthatheprobablyhurtsoverthissomuchbutican'tseemtothinkstraightlyonit.andasireadfromozielallicouldthinkandfeelwasthesamethinghomeishomeyetihavetwohomesandwhichoneisreallymyhomeordoireallyevenhaveahomeforthatmatterorisitasihaveasummerandholidyhouseandarestoftheyearhouse.i'mhurtingmorethannormallatelyandican'tseemtostopit.howridiculousami.

missing my special homeslice creature...

i'm liking my new very large sito's sweatshirt. it's great. it makes me happy. interesting day. still don't know what to think. but feeling overwhelmed. kind of crappy too. i'm going to ny in less than a month and am so extremely excited and overjoyed for it. yet so unprepared for that conversation that i have to have. i don't know if i can do it. as that tear builds up and knowing i can't let it go. it's to hard for me and way to much for me to think about right now. i need sleep.

thinking, over thinking.

i was there, with him, just sitting there. doing what i can't remember. but i know he had his arm around me and i remember as if it were 5 minutes ago him gently kissing my forehead and telling me he would always love me. that day hurt. i still remember the shakiness in his voice. i still remember that clear drop of tear in his eye. and the same in mine. running down my face. making it even harder. i climbed in his arms and never wanted to leave. leave his arms. leave that moment. leave that hour. leave that day. leave that city. leave that state. but here 12 years later i sit. wondering the next time i will be there again. i hate this. i hate being thousand miles apart. i hate not being able to see him everyday when i come home. i hate not being able to talk everyday. i hate not being whole. quiero estar allí otra vez. but what the hell does it matter what i want.

GOOSE IS 55! tomorrow.

feeling kind of blah. nothing really in particular. i like ana'el. she's so funny. she stuck with me half the night yesterday. that made me smile. i want to say to much but not knowing where to begin. where to go. or where to end.
scratchy but soft and gentle.
where to go now. what to say or what to do. it was the first time i really knew where it stands. now i have more of an answer and am prepared to wait. i know for sure now. that's all that i wanted. and that's fine with me for now.
sonreír.

here i stand 6 feet small...

i smiled today. alot. went to kaleo. YAY! bill is so awesome. after we had a sunday afternoon movie thing at the glaser's. that was fun! then i went to johnny carrino's. we went to the mall but forgot it closed at 6 and it was about 5.40 when we got there. so yeah. we came home. i lied down for awhile. and then i got online and was/still am talking to nicole. and here i sit. my day does not sound that exciting, which it wasn't. but i had fun and i laughed and that's all it took. and just sitting there listening to john mayer with ryan was awesome even though he was giving me crap, as usual. but it was good. i enjoyed it. tomorrow i work and then have road trip. but it's ok because i am excited. over nothing really but i am. and i can't wait for tuesday! mason and maleah are coming over to hang out with me!! YAY! hopefully it won't be raining. we wanted to go to the pool, so we'll see. i'm so happy! then that night my mom and i have a date to go see the devil wears prada! i haven't read the book. but would like to. but i'm dieng to see the movie! i'm hoping to get together with my awesome friend nicole this week! :) i love her. she's become one of my bestfriends. YAY! i can tell her anything and not have to fear the comeback. even if it is bad or whatever i know she is telling me what she thinks and that it's for me. for a reason. not because she's mad at me or trying to be rude or anything like that. we'll say the same things and think the same things. it's funny. we become the biggest dorks when we talk about some things. haha. but it's ok. i enjoy it. i enjoy every single talk we have and every time we get together. i don't have to worry about anything. just smiling. which comes without a doubt. tomorrow i get to spend sometime with lauren so that'll be nice. i'm really excited about work again! which is good. i'm really liking the office. that's what i want. i'm still doing so much on the floor of the restaurant but barely any drama. i've made two very good friends from it. i've been friends with them but have become so much closer. it's great. i'm wanting to go again even. yay! also my other friend and i fixed stuff. which was nice. i feel so bad for that girl. i just have to pray for her alot and know that God has her in His hands. i'm going to try and go to sleep soon. probably dreaming about 6 feet something...

canada day.

wow. what a long day. i was at work from 8-12something. then i came home and started watching a movie and fell asleep for and hour! finally!! then i got up got ready and went back to work. then i had the worst experience ever at ihop with ryan, nick, desi, heather, collin, and marissa. it was ridiculous. i'm so happy the pappas are the way that they are and that we train people the way we do. i can not imagine anything happening at our restaurants the way it happened tonight. i understand ihop is not as great or nice or whatever you would like to say as the pappas but still! you don't let hair in food go. you don't not refill drinks. you don't walk up to the table and say nothing and when the guest says hi ask what their problem is. you don't walk away rolling your eyes and shaking your head without even stopping to listen to what the guest has to say when you are the manager. you don't send the server over to the table and have them handle the problem when you are the manager. you don't not appologize and argue instead. UGH! it sucked. ryan is so upset. i am too. but you should see him. i've never seen him so upset. that's ridiculous. and it's not as if we don't come there all the time or anything. AHHH!!! that makes me so angry. otherwise today was good. today, although i was at work alot, it felt good to be there. i enjoyed myself. although i did get a little stressed/upset about some things. it took my mind off stuff for awhile. which i so desperately want to talk about. to some degree. but i don't think i can allow myself to. looking at those scars and remembering. ugh i can't.

yeahyeah. overunderin...

i was coming to write about how i felt like i had a good day and then i read my last post. i want to cry. cry myself to sleep. wake up in the rain and cry some more. why i feel this i don't know. i don't cry. i hate crying. ugh. what is wrong with me. how can i let my guard down to give him that control. that is what i have to deal with everyday. that disgusts me. had to work all day today but it was ok. where's ryan. he is supposed to be on to talk to me. jerk. i'm wanting to talk to him. today was the first day i saw him since sunday! ugh so long. realistically it's not. but to me and him that's so long. it was good. i had fun. i'll write more later. i can't do this right now.

I FEEL VIOLATED...

my heart skipped a beat. my heart raced so fast it seemed as if it stopped. i seem to have stopped breathing for the past few hours as i sat in that buidling. oh how i want to leave! i'm still having a panic attack.

i need ryan.

2.22

couldn't sleep. once again. i want to run in the rain again. i want to get out of here. just to get away from thinking. me and the sound of my footsteps only. maybe i would play some more soccer too. i'm going to get myself sick this way. but i can not help it. it feels so good. she don't know why... hmmm... that seems to match so many things. i can hear them singing and playing that over and over in my head still. i really like that song. yet it matches so well that i don't know. that big smile. will i ever get it out of my head. 'i would not be able to give you the attention you deserve.' i need the attention but it's almost as if i don't want it. standing here i'm waiting. waiting for you to say ok. waiting for it to all be alright. waiting for that hand to hold. waiting for that person that will help me. and hopefully help me get past things. i'm waiting and it is hurting to. i just... ahhhh i can't do this.

yo le odio. y odio lo que usted ha hecho a mí y hace todavía a mí.

i feel awful. today was horrible. why? why this way? why that stare and glare? why do i feel like it went further into me? those whispers. ahh. i hate this. everything about it. i couldn't concentrate on anything the whole day due to this. THIS IS NOT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE OR GO!!!!!!!!
how come it hurts me so. how come i can't seem to let it go by. how come i choose to acknowledge it for everything that it really is rather than putting it to the side.
screaming boggled unspoken eyes that seem to tell it all but hide it so well.

behind closed doors.

feeling pretty down. what else is new. ahh so much is slipping away from me for reasons i do not know. maybe it's better this way. and as i run. yes i'm running away, once again. it seems to keep blocking me by hitting me right in the face and stopping me and causing me to change directions to only get blocked off by another wall of hearing it in a different way once again. how can i resolve this. how can i move on from this. how can anyone. yet they are and i can't seem to. i can't even seem to speak about it. to anyone. yet one person knows. and that person was the right one to know. i think. but i need help. real help. but how come i can't get it. ¿seré jamás yo capaz de estar detrás de un cerró puerta otra vez? i'm being forced to. although i know i can't do this alone. AHHH!!! i feel like i'm screaming in a empty sound proof box. ugh. i'm disgusting myself.

hollywood and fortune cookies...

i got off of work early tonight due to this one kid finished his training and they had him work tonight and asked if i wanted to go and obviously i said yes. i wouldn't have minded so much to stay but i took the choice to go. who knows could be better in the end. my body is physically exhausted from who knows what. i've been wanting to have a picnic. maybe lauren and i can get together monday and do so. hopefully nicole could come as well and that other best friend of mine. ryan. i also would like the retzloff's to be there. that would be quite pleasant. i will have to talk to them about that. yay! friends and picnics. i ate pizza today! it tasted good!!!! (a few of you will understand that that is wonderful) i thought a lot today as usual. but it was more good thoughts than usual. it was nice. i'm hoping to get together with a friend soon to have our Bible study ;) hopefully you know who you are... i know i need someone to talk to about stuff and i really need to tell her something that hopefully she will have some advice for and i'm sure she would like a friend to talk to as well. i miss her. i've been meaning to call her and talk with her a lot lately but then i will get busy or lost in thought. can't be to good. hollywood. ugh. why is it not working? maybe because it is not supposed to or maybe i need to be more patient or maybe i just need to do it already. or is that wrong. i keep repeating that moment over and over in my head. would i really do it if i had the chance to? deseo que pueda decir que hago.

permite tener un partido de chaparrón. regue los partidos.

i want to get up and go. just get out of here. go somewhere. even just for the night. i really could care less about sleeping tonight. i could survive tomorrow without it. i do it almost every other night. today the wall appealed to me. yet i refused. was good in the end. anywho. i can't the song 'over my head' by the fray out of my head. wow. didn't mean for it to come out that way. wish i could. maybe i will in a few weeks or something. wishing i would receive that phone call or something. although here i sit and this could be why. so many issues now. don't know what to do. don't know how much longer i can be patient. i want to scream.

trying to breathe...

ugh. i'm so stressed. i'm tired of it and try to stop yet i can't. i just want to be at work already so i can see ryan to make me smile. i need it right now. i get to see nick for a little while today too. so that will be good. ryan and i might do something tonight. i really hope we do. i don't know if i could stand thinking much longer. speaking of i need to make a few phone calls, searches for that.

hoping today goes by faster...

desear yo podría tener el valor para hacerlo...

i was talking to shannon today and she was asking me about my last post and i realized that i had wrote it a while ago and should probably update. a lot has been going on. i am so tired an worn out. i've been thinking way to much probably but i can't seem to stop. it's not even helping. ryan is being awesome though and giving the best advice he can and try to keep my mind off of things. i wish i could forget some of these things and i think i would be able to function more but i don't know if it would really help. i've been working and being driven insane by that lately except for the past few days were not as bad as the past few weeks. i've also been hanging out with my friend nicole! oh she's so awesome. i love her. i'm really happy i can have that friendship. i can tell it will last. she makes me smile. then we've also been hanging out with nick. yay! that has been fun. he's such a gentlemen and he's so fun to be around. he's been making me smile when i needed it most as well. we might be hanging out together tonight so that will be fun if we do. i'm watching never been kissed on tv. i love this movie. i haven't seen it in a long time. 'do i want to be crunched? by guy? OH YEAH!!' haha. it makes me smile. i'm excited lauren thinks she might have found the dress. yay! she's getting a lot done now and i'm happy. i'm really in the mood for pizza. maybe sometime this week i will eat some. i'm looking forward to tuesday a lot of stuff is going on and i can't wait. well i'm going to try calling nick.

from lunchbox to 6 feet something...

i'm feeling really good today. first time in awhile. it's really nice. i've been having ok days lately but today is good. and i'm looking forward to it. i can't wait until ryan gets up and our day starts. i'm a little upset because nicole is not feeling well and so she's not coming anymore. but nick is. so that will be fun. lauren and i may go shopping later. so yay! getting stuff started for the wedding! i'm so excited. it's a year and 4 days away!!! oh my gosh! ryan and i have had the best conversations lately and it is really making me happy and excited. he's so awesome. last night he definitely made me smile when i needed it. i'm so happy that we have become best friends. oh man. best friend's best friend. quizá esto es el derecho uno. el último. i'm freaking out but i think whatever needs to happen will happen. and that God will do what is best. and i can't wait to find out what that is. ahhh... it's been a month now and i'm so proud and happy. i'm hoping i can keep this going. i know i can with the help of the few people that know. and i'm hungry today.

i'm back. growse.

well i solved my huge but silly problem. out here by my mom's house it is raining and there is this walmart not to far away; a grocery store and regular walmart, it is. so i went because i had to have the ink cartridge for the printer the other one was only printing half of my stuff and i need it for work in now an hour. so i headed out. well i got there and you think there are other people shopping yeah no they work for walmart too. there was literally about 30 or 40 people stocking all over that store. well i went to get the cartridge and they are locked up so it must have been some stupid kids problem that stole one once. well anyways so i decided i would go figure out food because they probably would not want me roaming around with something they keep locked up. well i ended up deciding on froot loops with vanilla bean ice cream. i am not just weird but i got this idea from the kellog something maybe factory. i can't quite remember but anyways i was talking to my mom the other day while flipping through channels on the tube. and we came on this show about food made in the 50's or something and they were talking about kellogs so yeah there was a kid eating this at the factory place. and i've been craving it ever since. so yay! today is going to be a fun but crazy day going on a few days without sleep. it's all hitting me now. i'm cold from being wet from the way. oh i forgot to tell you about the rest of my story. so anyways i get the food and head back to get the cartridge i literally stood there for 20min. while 3 people were looking for him. he finally came. well it was hailing when i left. so now i'm wet cold and tired. ugh. let's get this day started already.

ayudame por favor

i'm going to scream. i'm freaking out and being insecure again. i just finished getting everything ready for my meeting today and now i'm freaking out abou the food and i think i might change the recipe. but i'm still bringing my debbie's cheeseball no matter what. ahhhh. i'm freaking out. this can not be good for me. i sound so stupid. ugh.......

stuck.

ugh. i'm being driven insane. i just want to scream. la paliza de mis marcas de nudillo que mí duermo. y por la mañana yo me siento el dolor. although i have not done it in a week. that's how i felt. awful. but why? duele. i'm tired of this. i'm tired of trying to figure this all out. resolviendo quién yo soy. i'm tired of sitting here thinking about everything and wondering what is going to happen next and wishing that it all wouldn't go this way and they i could change everything to be my way. but that is selfish and then i would not be who i am. whoever that is. and the sad part is that i really would not change it if i could. i don't think. i would just... i don't know. ugh. ay.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ay duele.

angry. hurting. smiling.

everything went well. better than expected. but one thing i found out. a lie. why. it would've started more problems if we had not talked. it would have ruined an awesome relationship. why. what is the gain of this. why are they all against it. this makes no sense. i just want to scream. yell about it all. when i spoke there was no response. whatsoever. why. what is going on. what is going on behind all these faces. all these lies. ugh.

ayúdeme por favor.

God.
please give me the words to speak today. please give me peace to do this. i'm tired of playing this stupid game. thinking of other ways to do this and none seem to make me feel more comfortable. as i thought yesterday i hurt even more and as i thought of this i knew it was right and almost couldn't wait to do this. knowing everything would be in the open and there would be no fooling around anymore. but as i wait to have this conversation it seems to frighten me more. why. i do not know. i don't fear things. i'm asking You now to grant Your grace on me one more time. please give me Your words to speak. let this be what You want. God will this make us trust each other more. will we grow to a different understanding of each other and You. God i'm starting to panic. please watch over me today. if this is not Your will then let it stop before it happens. i'm so nervous. why i never have a problem talking about anything else. i'm being such a girl.
help me today. please.
in Your amazing name...

my unspoken words...

ese golpe a través de mi cara por mi padrastro. las palabras que yo sólo dije dos acerca de. ahora mi mentira de ello regresa a mí. duele más que yo al fin. quiero correr pero mi primera zancada no vendrá. he aprendido a tratar con lo. estoy listo para éste el problema para estar sobre. i'm ready to speak now...

duelo. en más de una manera.

i seem to be stuck in one place as all seems to fly on by. not knowing what to think or what to feel or even what to do. wednesday i got to have a awesome car ride and talk to one of my very good friends. the past few weeks we've been talking and we are a lot alike which is great. afterwards i went over and had an amazing dinner with markandsarah. sarah made us dinner and it was wonderful. then she showed me a website that markandher like while mark did the dishes and then sarah made us banana splits. they were delicious. it felt so good to be able to hang out with them again. last night was an interesting but fun night. we ate at sito's. with jeff.
tonight i work. i'm not really wanting to so much. i don't want to do togo tonight. i do get to see ryan again which is exciting so i can hear how much he enjoyed nickle creek which will be fun.
hearing that ripping sound
being torn
becoming smaller and smaller
becoming more independent
ready to get a new sheet
and write my own story
my way
ready to sprint
but where to stop
waiting to achieve that dream
but then there's that ripping sound
being blown away to the wind

ask me to stay...

1/2 upset. 1/2 can't wait for today. a friend asked me not to long ago what gets me out of bed in the morning. of course me not waiting to answer it said i'm happy for the next day to come and said that i would get back to him on it. i think i have finally finished my answer. the thing that gets me out of bed in the morning is not knowing what will happen that day and what God has in store for me. to see how He uses me that day. and once again as i screw up all day long and He still somehow loves me and shows His mercy on me and forgives me. there are 1440 minutes in a day. there are 86400 seconds in a day. and as i awake and my toe touches the floor i know and seem to realize once again how much of the day that i've already wasted. wishing that i had gotten more done and wishing that i won't waste the rest of the day. some times things seem so perfect and that they should just happen. it's as if they go. and there should be no questioning of them. but then you realize 'reality' and you know that that is not right but you agree with the 'reality' but some of you still wishes that so perfections would happen. i work togo today. i'm not quite sure that i want to. i don't feel comfortable there unless it is my normal shift because i don't know how busy it gets and i do not know what to expect. ¿bebía usted? ¿por qué dirí­a usted o pensarí­a aún eso? a friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you've forgotten the words...

muero para londres. muero para mi sonrisa para regresar.

just thinking about the past week or so. i'm having a awesome time hanging out with ryan. he's so awesome. we haven't definitely gotten a lot closer. the other day he said something, oh yeah i remember we were talking about us hanging out with his girlfriend because i keep only meeting her for a few minutes and he was saying yeah that would be good if we all hang out sometime because i'm his best girl friend if not his best friend and that is his girlfriend. and that made me smile because i have open up with him a lot and he is definitely hands down my best guy friend. even though he won't leave me alone about marcos. hehe. it's ok though. when we are at work together and i'm getting so angry about all the guests and things he makes me laugh and it helps me take a breath and slow down and realize it's ok everything is going well and it's just normal guests that get upset when i'm doing what we said we were going to do they just want to be sat and things. last night we had our first softball tournament and we got 2nd. that made me happy. i'm still struggling with smiling all the time how i would normally/used to do. maybe ihop tonight...

a new style...

just taking a minute to breath and think after a long week. today is the last day. tomorrow i will finally be at work again. oh how i can not wait. i have had fun this week. but it has been very weird and i feel odd. i feel lazy. i know that really i have not been because i worked almost a full month straight to do this but still it's not me. i'm really hungry now. i'm waiting on my mom, aunt, brother, and sister to get back from my sister's softball practice and i'm hoping we go to sito's for dinner. i'm really craving it. i have not had it all week...
quiero que esta semana esté sobre.

palabras desconcidas.

i have not updated in so long due to work. i'm finally done with work for a week due to the fact that my amazing aunt, uncle, and cousin will arrive tomorrow. i can not tell you how ecstatic i am. this was my 2nd mom growing up in new york. my older sister; rachel, my cousin; michelle, me, my younger sister; jennifer, and my cousin; lisa (she is the cousin coming tomorrow) were called the fab 5 or the 5 cousins (i put in order of birth. rachel is 4 years older than michelle and i, michelle and i are 5 months apart, jennifer and i are 1 1/2 years apart, and lisa is 1 1/2 years younger than jennifer). this week has been hard seeing that i worked 3 weeks straight with not one day off, the divorce was settled, he came to get most of his stuff, a few other things which i would rather not speak of right now. but yeah. my cousin and i have been discussing when to go to london. i'm thrilled about this. also i'm going to get my hair done. by done i do not mean a do but a new cut and color. i hope it turns out the way i want it to. otherwise i will really cry. well i need to get ready for the gathering but i will write more later on.

visit to the retzloff's. : ^ )

yesterday was a pretty crappy day at work. it was just frustrating with my managers, otherwise i loved it as usual. but i had the best evening with mr. and mrs. mark alan retzloff. first sarah and i went to the grocery store to get ingredients to make seven layer dip and frozen pizza and ended up getting ice cream with a coupon. it was nice to be able to talk to each other. it felt good to hear sarah's advice on issues. i so longed for that the past month. we went home and mark helped us put it away. sarah got some snacks together and we left for ikea. i love ikea. we tried out all of the couches. they saw two they liked besides for the one they already have picked out but decided they would wait. we checked out the medieval lights adam wants to get. then we went downstairs to do the shopping they really wanted to do. sarah makes me smile. then we headed to cost plus near bill's house because we were going to stop by. well the lady was quite rude and would not move some boxes to get the item they wanted to purchase she sent us to the other store. and since it was 8 something we did not stop at bill's house. but the other location was so amazingly nice. they got their beautiful buffet. after we loaded it and everything we headed back to the townhouse. then as mark and i (mark. i barely did anything, even though he claims i did a lot) carried the buffet up the stairs, sarah started to make the pizza on their nice pizza stone and started to prepare the seven layer dip. while mark ripped open the box and assembled the legs on i helped sarah. then i helped mark put the buffet in place. and as sarah and i finished mark put up 'josh' the rooster up. then we ate. alot. sarah and i had out eaten mark but he couldn't deal with that so he caught up. hehe. it's ok mark we love you. after dinner we watched mark clean the dishes. hehe. then mark showed me pictures of the honey moon. so fun. sarah got us out ice cream and we ate that. then we all chatted for a while. it was nice to see my best friend and her husband. :) i love those guys. ryan came and applied today at sito's he has a 2nd interview which means he got the job. :^ ) so i'm ecstatic. yay. i can't wait. today i just struggled with a lot of emotions. kind of sucks. actually no it does suck. ugh. ¿por qué él es tal tirón? ¿por qué juega él con nuestras emociones como eso?

la última vez.

3 weeks away from today. i hope that this is the last time. the last time to revisit those feelings that seem to swarm me beyond belief. the last time to think those thoughts that drown me. the last time i have to stare into those eyes that make me cringe. the last time he's my stepdad. the last time i talk about it while there's a broken chain link stuck to his chain. the biggest one; the last time i have to protect them.

it will be my conclusion.

missing my best friend...

i miss sarah. i can not wait until they are home. i can't wait to have our ltg together again. i can't wait to talk to her. there is so much to tell her. i need to talk to her...

unspoken words

i thought a lot last night as i drove. it's so peaceful. there has been no fights except for childish arguments between the kids; which every sibling has at their age. the kids have more respect and act correctly without words to tell them or if needed you give them a glance and they know. how ridiculous is that with in a few weeks how things can change. i've been sleeping. i have not touched that collage of red bricks with my knuckles. i've eaten just about every meal. my mom sleeps in a bed. we eat together. we do things together. we go out together. i have a family that i love and would not want to change. oh how i love that. i have not raged with anger except for twice that i heard that mouth speak words that i so wanted to scream about. i have been able to do art without having to stop and come back because it hurts to much. and so much more. all of this is only given to us by my tremendously wonderful, beyond words or imagination; God. oh how i love Him. how i love that He whispers sweet sayings in my ear to get me through that day. how all of a sudden... BAM!... He has made me realize something that my simplistic mind could never comprehend with out Him. how i love that i can say Father and immediately without hesitation 'yes, my child' that i deserve none of this but yet He gives it to me and more. i could keep sitting here thinking of this is the game and these are the rules he is going to make up as we go along to go around the board one more time until we land safely at home but yet i have one thought of what God has done and i can't seem to hold back my smile and have to praise him for all that he has done. oh i love Him. and as much as i struggle He still lets me know Him and even more than that He invites me to know Him deeper. to stand next to Him. how awesome is that? mi Señor. yo me arrodillo en pies y le alabo para darlo a mí­. y para permitirme llamarle papi y para permitirme a aún le sabe.

the leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates._dave barry

God is beyond words amazing. there is no way i can describe it or even imagine it. He is working through me right now and just giving me peace. last night was hurtful. it's been hurting for a while. but i think that i realized a lot of things. only by God could i know them. still there are so many things that i wish i could say that i can't but maybe i am not supposed to say them. here's a few quotes i found that relate to some of the things i am feeling. i guess that's what you could say.

laughter is an instant vacation._milton berle

it is within the families themselves where peace can begin._susan partnow

to learn to succeed you must first learn to fail._michael jordan

it's the friends you can call up at four am that matter._marlene dietrich

keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to._author unknown

now this is the most important one yet so you have to read it carefully :^) :

the irish gave the bagpipes to the scots as a joke, but the scots haven't got the joke yet._oliver herford

¿Dónde está mi zapato izquierdo?

the title is for bill and only bill. :) just thinking alot right now. not really knowing what to do with all these thoughts i am having and not really quite sure what they all are. i'm hurting but i feel good too. i keep trying to say something that i don't even know what it is. i keep typing and have to backspace it all because it's not right. i want a canon rebel xt. ugh. i can't seem to do this as much as i want to. i want to express things but i can't. maybe i will do art. oh yeah i think God answered my prayers today. it's not him or either it's not the right timing.

¿Dios es este él? ¿michael es correcto?

i'm falling for someone. i've known them for a very long time and we keep becoming better friends. i smile everytime i see or here his name. i've seen him quite a few more times than usual this week. i have known this person so long i did not realize i liked them until a few weeks ago. and now that i am sitting here thinking of it i was upset with one of their past relationships which i'm thinking was mainly because i was more jealous but thought us never and just thought i didn't like her. how stupid am i guys? gosh. well anyways i have been praying about this for a few weeks now and everytime i do or see this person i seem to fall even harder. this person is definitely a christian. loves God more than anything. i'm amazed how much he treasures his family and his future family. his God given talents are amazing and he uses them to glorify God in all that he does. i saw him tonight. and that momentary look into a glimpse of those beautiful brown eyes. so many pictures flashed through my mind and so many thoughts went through my head made me wonder even more. as i pray to God to seek his direction as to find out the answer 'is this him my Lord?' and all i can seem to comprehend is that he will lead me in the right way and i keep reading verses that seem to say maybe. and i fall asleep dreaming of being there with his family and relatives. and other dreams of me bearing his child with his mom feeling our child kicking. and thinking i'm not quite sure yet that i want to give birth to a child, i would like to adopt. i do not want that pain. although i wish that i would put that fear aside and experience the miracle God has for me, child birth. but the bigger question than all of these mysteries; once again, 'is it him my Lord?' is this all just me taking something to far? or worse is this what God meant to be or is it just me?

ugh...

i'm just waiting for my sister to finish her shower so we can have breakfast together before i have to go to work. since she is switching schools she does not have anywhere to go until tomorrow. i feel like crap today. i also did not feel good yesterday. my head is pounding, hurting. and my neck is so stiff and hurts and my throat is so sore. i just don't feel good. yesterday i spent almost all day in bed. wish i could do that again but today i have to work. then when i get home i'm going to lie down for awhile until i need to get up and cook ryan some food and bring it over to him after he gets home from his first day of school at 8.00 tonight. he doesn't feel good either. he's got all the same stuff i have. he doesn't know that i don't feel good so we just won't tell him. he looked so sad yesterday. he smiled for me though but you could tell exactly how he felt. feeling bad. but can't wait to see him tonight. thinking of bringing him dr. pepper.

crash...

this weekend was unstressful for the most part seeing that my aunt was in town but at the same time i wanted to pull my hair out of my head. friday i had the morning off and i was running around cleaning the house all by my little self; after i dropped the kids off at school at 8.00 and before picking them up at 2.10. i wanted to scream things kept going wrong. such as the vacuum started to smell as if it were on fire and then as i was going to turn it off a metal piece of the vacuum shot across the room from underneath it. well luckily we have another vacuum i thought after i put together the other one and i try using it well that one was not working either. so all i finished was down stairs. (we have 1 black cat, 1 very furry very shedding white cat, 1 shedding dog, and 1 very furry very shedding white dog. you can only imagine the hair.) well after i finished dusting and 'vacuuming' i decide to bring the dogs in from outside. well they like to make friends with the dog behind our fence and try and go see him. the dogs did not sit as i asked when jumping and running away as i chased them to get the mud off of their feet. it was all over my grandmother's oriental rug. ahhh. luckily i got it off. i had to finish wrapping my aunt's christmas presents (and my cousins for her to take back) there were alot. well i mopped all the floors downstairs. looked at the clock i had a 1/2 hour before i had to pick the kids up from school. ugh. i wasn't even close to being done. so i'm running around emptying all the trash cans in our house. 1 in the kitchen, 1 in the 1/2 bath, 1 in my sisters room, 1 in my other sisters room, 1 in their bathroom, 1 in the game room, 1 in the laundry room, 1 in my brothers room, 1 in my sisters room, 1 in my room, plus all the ones from cleaning my room out, 1 in my bathroom, 1 in my moms room, 1 in her bathroom. so that took a good while. i took a 7 minute shower. got most of my work uniform on went to get the kids from school. took me a little over 20 minutes to get them the lady at the desk was driving me insane. we were rushing to meet my mom so they could go to the airport to pick my aunt up well we get to my work and she wasn't there so she is rushing. she left and i went in to work. ugh. during the middle of my togo shift (meaning i am busy!!!) the host that was supposed to cover my saturday night shift so i could spend time with my aunt tells me she can't. great timing!!!! so all night from then on i was trying to get someone to cover my shift of course no one could. at least i got out of there on time at 10.00pm. i picked up arby's on my way home i ate nothing until now. get home and my aunt was in the shower so i ate my food and got changed and then we spent the next 3 hours up talking and exchanging christmas gifts. it was nice but i was exhausted at the end and passed out. saturday we went to le peep for breakfast it was nice but there was arguments at the house. ugh. just want it to stop. afterwards we went to katy mills mall for my sister to exchange a coat she got the didn't fit her. then we went shopping for a little bit. then we went home i rushed to get dressed and go to work. barely seeing my aunt again. the night was horrible. i only had one good host. so of course she took my names. well we had so many large reservations and we had large walk-ins like crazy and then we had a walk in 25 that wanted there table in 20 minutes. there was no way we quoted 1 1/2 hour and i got them sat in 59 minutes. i ended up getting my own table checks i was seating quests because on top of only having 1 good host i only had 2 others. ahhh. well at 9.37 we are still on a wait my family comes in got them sat in 10 minutes. got off the wait at 9.59 a host switched with me for her to get out at 10.30 and i to get out at 10.00 i rapidly did my clean ups switched my shirt and sat down at 10.04. thank God. we ate went home and went to bed. sunday i went to Kaleo. afterwards lauren and i went to her house got her stuff ready and she took a quick shower and we left. on the way to my house we picked up panera bread!! i love there sandwich there that has the chipotle mayonnaise (sarah!!) when we got home we ate then i took a quick shower and lauren painted the just married sign for markandsarah since michael is well yeah he's michael. then i dried and straightened my hair. and then we did our make up. of course lauren helped me because the person i like was going to be at markandsarah's wedding. then we took a while to get in our dresses because i do not know how to be a girl. well then my lovely best friend decides to teach more about being a girl and has me tie her corset up. haha. that was interesting and then she had to help me with my dress where i felt i was fat and having other problems. which was even worse because it was my best friends wedding and i wanted to look good for her. we rushed over there. and it was beautiful. sarah was stunning. it was more amazing that i dreamed of. she's so beautiful. and mark just waiting was killing him. hehe. he was so excited. it was beautiful. richard was a penguin and it made me laugh very hard. mr. stidhum and i had a moment and that was nice for both of us. the words that we shared will stay between us always and i'm not quite sure if they will ever be told but i know it comforted both of us and if sarah knew i know she would smile and maybe have a few tears just like the ones mr.stidhum and i shared. i love him. sunday was great. monday was nice as well we just enjoyed sitting around the house with each other and then we stopped by my sisters work so my aunt could see where she works and to say goodbye. then we went to the foodcourt and memorial city mall since it was right there to eat. i had chic-fil-a. yay. then we started our long journey to the airport. mom dropped mimi and i off at the door to get her checked in while they parked. everything went well except that she would be having a 1/2 hour delay from charlotte to my buffalo, new york. which was fine. then we met up with everyone stayed with her for a while and then said our pleasant goodbyes. i can't wait until febuary when she is back (the week we go back...) then we headed home. got a couple things and headed towards the grayshon's. picked up a cookie cake for the birthday boys. and picked out very funny cards. billandshannon came so that was nice. afterwards we watched a few episodes of that show 24 the billandshannon and susie and matthew are hooked on. it was good. but we watched from the middle of the season so we understood for the most part but i think it would have been better if we saw from the beginning. today i woke up to a call from my aunt and 7.30 (she forgot they are ahead of us) to let me know that she got in ok. i ate breakfast. went to my room and laid on my bed until i fell asleep and here i am. i can't wait until tonight for community groups. there are plenty of things i look forward to there...

emociones que son indescriptibles.

they have become my world. he could make me smile even while he knows that i'm so angry because of something he knows he did wrong but he wants us to be happy. you can just tell that he knows what he did is wrong and that he is sorry but he just doesn't say it. he's like me he would rather make you smile and get it over with. how amazing is he. and she. oh my do i love her. she's improving everyday. she knows more than i would every guess. knowing what was being said didn't really hit me until i heard it myself. oh how i was screaming inside and i just saw myself hitting the large white pole that had started to form rust since when he yelled at me things i wish i had never heard. memories are coming back even more. just remember santiago yelling at me that it was ok and i didn't have to worry about it anymore and he was there now so to stop worrying about it. wishing that it were true and that he might have been able to stop my hurting which i knew in my heart that it would never be true but i went along for the ride. the ride of my childhood fantasy that it would all end. that was the one and only time i ever saw him cry. what made him stop caring? if i had to redo that part in my life i would have said no. no to it all. but what made him stop? donny. donny is the reason i never went back to that pole. and the reason i can't drive by it today. i've only gone there once since then and it was with santiago. and how i wish i never went. donny stood up for me. the only one that ever told me the truth. and how he still cares. seeing that smile on his face a week ago. telling me that he will always love me and he is proud of what i am becoming. oh how that was not a regret. deseo que pueda tener todavía eso. antes que es una memoria. i've gotten so caught up in memories of everything through out this. can't tell if it is good or bad yet. but all i can say is that i am glad i have the time to think.

to an artist who i need to talk to...

wishing the words would flow out and form what i so long to say and express. don't think that i will have the words until i can solve more of the emotions that i feel. am i really hurting for them or is that i have to go through it all again. i'm not afraid to say anything. i'm more ecstatic than anything. really. i feel as though it is wrong. which it very well may be. but i also feel that it is ok after all of this. mr. magnetic poetry- he estado pensando en londres mucho. más que probable yo no iré dondequierara. sólo desear yo era capaz a, supongo. but that would just be another escape. which i cannot keep doing. so i'm this will all end soon so that i can go and ejoy it and not have to worry about this crap. we need to talk.