smash.

a whole whirlwind of emotions and feelings that i can't understand.
i'll explain later.
if i feel i can.

counting back from 3...2...NO!

i've only written this about a hundred times but keep hitting delete.
i'll try again.
i wish i were as okay with this as i said i would be.
it's going to be extremely hard but i'm willing to do it.
the most amazing part of it all is the friendship but the feeling of more was/is great.
18.
i know it's big.
yet everyone says no it's not. they say yes it's a gap but not that big.
i don't get it.
is it not big because of those involved or is it not big and i feel it is.
i don't think it'll happen but if it changes know that i'd always be there. that nothing would change. it would only grow. i'm willing to be there until the end. that's how it's always been since it all clicked. yes it would be a challenge in ways but i'm more than willing to accept that and take it on with you. there would never be anyone else. i'd be here to follow, to let you lead.

i'm sorry.
this is true though.
i'm here if it changes. which like i said i don't think it will but i'm willing if you are.

i just want to hit delete.

am i failing? please tell me no...

(not because of what i want... but because i can't handle failing... not now.)

the words that still, more than likely, will not come out right.

if you come across this in your research...

as cliche as some of this may sound. which you know i hate that. it's all so true.
i've thought about the best way to say and translate.
so i'm giving it a try.

it started out as this curiosity that i just laughed off. it didn't even seem to cross my mind that something would actually come of it all. it wasn't even an option.
then there were multiple times where we'd have an interaction and then the many phone calls that really did not even reflect anything to do with 'us' but we were involved in it. it started to grow. there were a few phone calls where it clicked. i started praying... then there was the 59. (now that i think of it, you drove out of the loop without even a mention of that... without a hesitation either...) yeah. (hadn't thought of that before. that's interesting.) from here was the moment that i started not being able to get you out of my head. (stupid cliche sayings. they seem to ruin all the honesty of it.) it kept deeper. part of it was the newness of it. but i knew it was something that i hadn't felt before. i wasn't sure that i was ready or even okay with what i was feeling. not whether it was right or not but if i was okay with having those feelings.
as i prayed more and more about it i felt or much less i thought i felt that this is what was right and to go with it.

ratatouille.


everything has only grown and obviously gotten more complicated. you know some of what i've been being told. days when i know there will be nothing happening i seem to somehow make myself be okay. yes it sucks but it's not a expectation of anything. i guess. if that makes any sense? like i said, it's only grown. which if you are reading this you're thinking i know...
ugh.
as always i'm being honest.
if it's not okay. i just won't say anything...
it's gotten to the point where i can't stand being away.
you're constantly there.
thoughts come about what would you think of this?, would this ... or this ... be your response?, etc.
sometimes i can't handle it.
there's been days where i'm off and i know that in hours, minutes, whatever it may be we'll be there and i get nervous, i can't stop thinking about it, it hurts to be away sometimes.
it drives me crazy to be away for a few minutes.
such as last night when i ran out i was so nervous of how you were feeling. if you were ok. which i knew you would be but first off because i don't have allergies or sinus, when there is the slightest i may be over cautious because of the ones that i've had to deal with and with being in the restaurant industry with all the precautions we must take... but yeah so i couldn't take it already much less just being away from you.
ugh this sounds so stupid.
i don't know why i'm doing this.
well i guess this is the best i've worded it yet.
ugh.

please ignore these few brief awkward lines.

honestly speaking i don't know if it's my personal feelings or if it's actually what i'm hearing but i'm not sure the decision we made was the right one. i know, i know. i know what you are thinking and what you would say is that it's to big of a deal. which it's a big deal to me. it honestly is. and i think i'm ok with it because what i feel that i'm hearing is 'right' and it could just be me. but i don't think that it is. because that issue concerns me quite a bit as well. but something is making me not see it constantly.

there's one thing that makes me think this is what it is though.
there is one thing that i've prayed to God for years. saying 'Lord, when the time is right and this is him please have him say and do this...'

you have.

ugh. this is ridiculous.
you are going to think i'm insane.

i'm content for now.
but i'm not sure i always will be.

"no tears. not tonight."

p.s. i could be wrong.