ay. no mas.

not knowing where to turn right now. well besides for God obviously. my foot is broken. my heart is shattered. the wall is waiting yet i'm trying to hold back. why. i don't understand. it sits there everyday in that same spot waiting for me to fail once again. all i have to do is stay away. yet for some reason i seem to not be able to. work is just overwhelming. not because of the work itself. only due to the fact that i work with some jerks. it just kind of sucks. but whatever right. there must be a reasoning for it. i'm struggling to stay sane right now and i hate that. i'm hating that the only time i feel like writing is when i'm upset. or when i do feel like writing when i'm happy i don't feel like sitting here. i'm hating that they are not replying. it hurts. i can't do anymore.

a struggle between this thing and someone...

making a decision. one that i realized as i sat in shattered pieces staring back at me. things that entice me beyond my want. wishing there were something i could do. wondering of how i can have control. how can i be able to manage this situation. it's a magnet to me. as hard as i try i keep being pulled back. more like coming back. there's a gap between me and this thing. why i can't grasp onto it i don't know. everyone else seems to just fine. then there he is. just patiently trying to help me. and i so badly want to say yes but how come i keep pushing away. when really that's all that i want.