what's the next beat?

music and photos are spinning in me. constant songs as i flip through. i want so badly to be only shooting already. it hurts me to see you hurting. you know this all seems like such fun and games but sometimes i stop and think it's more serious at points. where to go from there. what to do. will it ever change. will it just stay this revolving door of whatever this is. wishing to hear it one more time at least. whenever i hear it i will know and see it in your eyes and understand. just you and i will know.

lyrics bouncing through my head

i've discovered that i think a whole lot more when i'm upset. which only seems to make me more angry but that seems to be when i can write, draw, and sometimes even shoot my best. and why. i have no idea. but you know what today i'm happy and feeling good and i'm ready to write. so if it's not that great then i'm sorry. which it probably won't please me either but it's ok because for this moment it will make me feel good. i'm bouncing off the walls again
WHOA!
there's something about life. as much as i dislike it i can't seem to get enough of it. what is it?i'm going into my photography full time. as soon as God allows me to. it's time. my restaurant era is over. it’s time to move on. after 3 years of being dragged around and being hurt i’ve made my decision that no one can change. it’s hard and yeah it sucks to a degree but i’m getting through it. well obviously but ya know. the conversation that was had a few days ago made me think, why am i still here. all it’s doing is hurting me more and more. it was hard to admit to that but oh well.
i’m looking like a fool again
WHOA!
decision: either i go or it goes…
she chose it.
that i think is the thing that emotional has hurt me the most my entire life. and yeah.
tracey and i have been getting together a lot more lately and i’ve definitely been enjoying that very much so. but you know when you find your other half, other cool half, what are you to do…
beautiful girl playing through my head…

around my neck...

yankees colors. some what pinstripe. the best i could do. metal. 'long' Q T. a constant reminder that it's part of my life now. always will be. it seems to be my life at the moment. it's there to say hey it's not you or any of us but it's a part of us. something we are overcoming. a reminder to glorify God for everything that has happened and the WAY that it has happened. even though that is hard at times. i made it. i will wear it everyday. seven o'clock will be here before i know it. hopefully. i'm killing myself with thoughts. hopefully see paul tomorrow. a part of me misses being at the hospital. not for the circumstances obviously. but i love it there. i felt comfortable there. nothing to hide.

my Love. be with me tonight. and tomorrow. and always.

as i sit here writing this i am fighting off the tears.

everything came out clear except for two. the two that i wanted least. why did they have to come out positive. it should've been me.

no emotions.

i need this phone call to arrive sooner than expected because i'm not quite sure how long i can be strong for this time.

maybe this is the reason as to why i should have never tried to figure out stuff and relearn life.

then there is the fact that since i was 7 years old. my life has been ripped away from me. there was no childhood. i missed out on what most girls want. what kids love to do. i jumped to being a 'mature young adult' ugh. it disgusts me.

then i have these emotions feelings or whatever that i'm having due to that.

i need to throw that ball. i need to feel the sting in the bat. i need to hear the cracking of the bat and the popping of the glove. i need to feel the dirt turning under my foot. i need to feel each and every single cleat ripping in to that soft clay that's waiting for me to slide into it so that i may wear it and be proud of it. i need to feel that rubber. i need that chalk to be on my hand. the ball in my hand as i memorize every single part of the seam on it. i need to release it.

i need to hold that photograph in my hand with pride. to hear the shutter. to see the outcome. to see the flash. see the framing of such a magnificent capture.

some one has been there and has completely stolen my attention and made me smile for days now. in an instant that was ripped away. when i hear that song and answer only to hear that wonderful voice on the other side what shall i say.

the 'normal me' would not let is show. not say a word of hurt. not let this tear that sits in my eye out but i know as soon as i say hello it will all come.

my heart is yearning for comfort. for a break.

all that comes is a broken shatter of pain.

God. i need someone to hold me and look at me and say it's ok. for someone to say i will be the one to teach you and guide you with what i know that God has instructed me to do. for someone to want to protect me. for someone to say shut your eyes i will be them for you. close your ears for i will hear it all for you. let me be the one to hold your heart and show you how to love. God. i'm trying so hard. i'm trusting You with all. i'm giving You my life. letting You lead me to where i should be. having You direct me in Your light. but although i know it is a not needed. because it is worldly. but Lord please give me someone. i'm wanting that shoulder. and i'm ready my Love to be open and honest and let them help me. please i ask. You are me.

tomorrow i have a meeting for work. i'm almost not wanting to go because i know it will almost backfire to a degree but then also i'm someone ok with it. then i will be able to state that it really is not me. ugh. it's just aggrevating.

late phone calls. smiles. worries. time. thoughts. care. patience. butterflies.

i don't want to have to see their faces. i don't want to see them be broken. i don't want to see them be hurt as i tell them you have it.

prolonged q-t syndrome.

today i figured out what happy is... thanks.

the post i promised.

i've spent the past 2 days constantly smiling. i had about a 6 hour conversation with someone yesterday. then spent the whole day not being able to get them out of my head. then i just received a phone call a little while ago. for some odd reason today i got nervous. not exactly quite sure why. yesterday i had butterflies but it was an excitement it was not a nervousness. i think. i can't wait until the next conversation tomorrow to see where it goes. it's a new thrill. it's suspenseful. i'm liking it though.

i also had a few amazing conversations with ryan last night and today. and i'm hoping that everything works out for tomorrow evening. so that we are able to do something.

i ruv you beautiful. (thanks...)

levi is so amazing. i had not seen him in a few weeks and nicole and i had a date tonight. then nanette came. levi gave me a call right as we were about to order. he was calling to say he didn't think he would be able to hang out tonight because he was going to go and see his mom. then about ten minutes later as i was telling nicole about the conversations i've been having over the high booth's edge i see levi! i screamed and we hugged. i love how for no reason whatsoever he surprised me. it definitely made my smile even bigger. i've been dieng to see him lately. it's been kind of ruff and his shoulder hasn't exactly been so close for me. which is odd. but i'm so glad i got to see him. and to hold arms and just to hold on to him. ugh. it was wonderful. i finally got to spend time with my best friend and have many needed conversations today. all day. because we had worked together this morning. last night i slept a few hours! and i let nothing get me down today.

today was possible the best day i've had in a long time.

and very much needed.

it had to do with 4 people. mainly one. so thanks to you all. you know who you are.

but even though this is such a shorter post than my normal ones. i'm going to end it here. i'm going to go and try to get some sleep. pray that i do. because i hopefully will be getting a phone call at 4.15am but i highly doubt that i will because you see this person doesn't seem to neccesarily trust me when i say it's ok and i would be more than thrilled to get a phone call. and if they indeed do then i would be more than ecstatic and would not want to miss it and i would not want to be asleep so therefore i shall try to now.

blast from the past.

today someone made me smile. they made my day. tomorrow i have a date with my best friend and i'm overjoyed and can't wait. i'll write more in a little bit.

ugh.

am i feeling more compassionate or am i looking for something...

the link...

there are so many thoughts that are going through my head. it seems so hard to sort them at times. there is this amazing new happiness that i have and then there's all the pain, hurt, unwanted, angry, and all those other emotions and feelings. there is so much happening. maybe to much. i'm trying my hardest to do my best but i only seem to feel as if i'm failing. but the truth and even i know it somewhere is that i'm not. i'm doing better than i ever had. i just don't get it. it's obviously not for me to know. but how i want to. even more of a truth is i really don't know how i feel. the question keeps coming but how are you? answer: i'm fine. doing really well.

the real answer: don't know.

i have no idea. i haven't taken the minute to even think. and now that i'm trying it's hurting because i don't know WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?

i hate that he took this all away from me. and what he didn't take he crushed.

the eyes. they hold it all.

noone sees what they say or what they are. can noone really tell what is going on? is it really that big of a mystery? is it really hidden like that?

where? why? it hurts.

i want my daddy to be by my side. i want to see him. to hold his hand.

would that make a difference though. that touch that has been so far that's so close everytime we talk even though it's a thousand miles away. would it be there for me in the way that i need it.

here i sit alone complaining and letting something out that i should probably delete all of this text that was typed but for some reason i will hit the publish key.

kicking it in emiry's

write more later but...

i'm absolutely loving my new product (red) chucks that i designed!

fresh breath...

one shot.

am i ready for this to end?

as much as i would love to answer that with a yes i'm not quite sure. i'm absolutely sick of the emotionally ride it has given me. and the fact that i still don't know what i'm feeling. but what i do know is that i'm loving being with my mom and my siblings. it's bringing me such a joy. i'm not quite sure how to explain. but i'm feeling good and i almost want to forget the rest of the world. then something goes wrong and i suddenly want to flee. and its been so hard to stay but i have. and as much as someone else may look at it and say damn you did a horrible job i think i did a good job. considering the fact that i had no idea i could. i thought i would have failed miserably by now. but look at where i am.

thank you my Lord! You are so great and marvelous.

paul.

my heart is beating. i'm missing my two best friends very much. i'm hurting without them. sometimes i find myself trying to figure out what to do. it's become to where i've let them live my life for me. i know that it's me. who i am. that's my personality. that's what i like. but it's not all me. the rest is them. what they say i like, what i do, etc. how did i let myself do this.

5 different rythyms. not one to live after. 30 documented minutes without oxygen. 0-17% chance. 9.25am began it all.

how? why? this way?

i'm flabbergasted but in a shocked way. if that even made sense.

you and the way God used you mean the world to me. your eyes...

will it ever be the same or will our relationship still have this awkwardness til the end. i don't want that. i would like for it to be the same. move as one once again. no questions asked.

the pain. the joy.

2 months have now passed. one without even a wanting. then that truck was outside. the shaking began. but there was a restraint in me. where from?

the smoothness. the embrace. the heartbeat against mine.

thank you God. You've let me learn something unimaginable this week. i thank You. thank You for answering that prayer. definitely not in the way expected but something even more marvelous. You seem to shock me even when i know it will not go as i've planned.

thank you.

i'm ready for this new beginning.