he's there. i was there. and amazingly today i left because of the bugs. i was annoyed too but that's not why. not today. i'm really proud of myself. i did what was right. of course it did influence me. those words. they did pierce but i somehow did not let it get to me. mr. magnetic poetry thinks i made a good decision. that made me feel good. actually it made me feel great. i needed that approval that i was doing what was best. it felt right but i still was having my doubts and hurting. well right now i'm excited. drew is coming over! yay! and if he gets here early enough... i think we'll go down there. just to kind of get him. you know. whatever. ok well i got to go.

he's always right. he knows me way to well. ugh. jerk.

finally here to update. today was pretty good. i'm still enjoying it. just struggling with feelings alot. lets see here well yesterday was a very long day. but it was ok. i just had to deal with austin who was driving me absolutely insane. and someone else. ugh. anyways austin was just in a bad mood because his boss clarence put him in one and i was the only one that really knew what was going on and i can understand but he didn't need to take it out on me like that. it just drives me insane sometimes. michael made me feel a lot better though. he kept me laughing. and bradley. oh bradley. he's so awesome. i think i just take my job way to serious but i can't help it. i can't stop. it just comes. when i am one minute off quote i start to freak out. when guest complain, even if they don't have a reason to be, i start freaking out. i just have to take a minute and breathe sometimes. no one else seems to care as much except a few people. it just sucks. whatever. anyways. well after a very long day at work a group of us were supposed to go to hard rock cafe to eat. well yeah that didn't work out and it ended up being just desi and i so we drove out there because online it says that they are open until 1. so when we got there at about 1150ish the lady said that the kitchen was closed but that we could sit at the bar until 12. we were like oh ok. so we decided we were going to go and eat and ihop and see drew! well on the way out we checked their hours and it said until 1 but we did not feel like dealing with it! ugh! I WANTED MY DESSERT!! any one who has hung out with me this past week knows that i do. well any ways we went to ihop and saw drew and it was good. i felt bad he didn't get off until 3.30 and then had to be at church at 7.30. so he ended up not sleeping at all. i feel awful. well kaleo was awesome. i really liked bill's message today. alot. afterwards we all went over to red robin. yay! probably the last time though. ugh. but it was good. drew is ugh. he's so nice. but a jerk. yeah. whatever. now i'm home. and my sisters are back. i'm wishing they weren't yet. not to be rude. i just wanted to be able to spend more time with just my mom. oh well. maybe mom and i can just go out. daniel's birthday is tomorrow! THE KIDS COME HOME TOMORROW!!! i'm so excited. ugh. FINALLY! i miss them beyond belief. i hate that man. and i feel sorry everyday. i want to be the one there instead. i don't want to have to have them deal with him or anything else about it. ugh. then tuesday i hang out with just about everyone but i'm chilling with the hartely kids!!!! heck yes. and later ryan!!!!!! and NICOLE!! YAY! i'm excited. and then wednesday...

you're white in the face with red. you're whiter than you're arms.' 'cool i want to see'

wanting to update but i think i can actually sleep right now. i'm beyond exhausted. think it has to do with all the blood i lost today. i'll write tomorrow probably.

páreme antes yo llego a esa pared.

today. today... words to describe. unpredictable. unexpected. probably the best. definitely needed. tomorrow will be great as well. at least i'm praying so. for you mr. magnetic poetry: 'thought i would let you know. if you still even read this. that i hope you figured out my last post. thought i would let you know that i was strong. strong enough to turn away. not even to get close enough. just thoughts about it were all. almost called you though. got that close. but obviously not close enough. have not since the last time i told you so. so about 2 or 3 months ago... i think. it hurts though. but trying so very hard. it's a day by day thing still though. not as bad some days but yeah. write me. maybe i'll write you when i'm done posting.' trusting is driving me insane. especially tonight for some reason. wishing that i knew how. wishing that i was comfortable with it. just praying that God gives me the wisdom and peace. ugh. why. why are all these thoughts flying through my head again. some of these i have not thought about for a very long time and here i sit thinking and pondering even more than i used to. i'm dyeing for the kids to get home. i'm missing them beyond belief. the first week was so hard. i never wanted them to go again and here two weeks later i sit wishing the same thing. just praying that they are brought home safely and that all this worrying is for no reason. that thought is racing through my mind again. and it's becoming even stronger tonight than it was last night. praying for it to stop. maybe i will call tonight. i just hate bothering him. and i haven't talked to him in awhile. i do not want that to be the phone call. i want him to hear how good i'm doing not that i have that thought again. this sucks. Lord, please surround me even more tonight. keep me here and not there. not there to let myself be more enticed to do these things i know are only going to hurt me even more in the end. it's a pure adrenaline rush. as much as i want it please stop me. in Your name. we'll just try to think about tomorrow. maybe even try to sleep. ugh.

mr. mp please.

right now i'm thinking of something i haven't done in a very long time. it's killing me. why. and the more i seem to think of it the more i can't seem to forget it. the more i want to do it. knowing i will regret. wishing for that last string to hold on to before i fall.

these eyes that tell stories...

not wanting to speak. not wanting to say the words that are going through my head. who knows how they will turn out. these things are driving me insane. i'm feeling pretty down today. and things just got a whole lot worse as i sat here and wrote only two sentences. what the crap. what is going on lately. this is beyond exhausting. i'm just wishing everything would stop for a little while. ay. Dios ayudame por favor. with everything. give me wisdom, strength, courage, a heart, and so much more. let me show that i can do this with only your help. this is so. ugh. this day was already hard enough and now tonight too. gosh. i want nicole. i wish she would ugh. please. i need this right now. today i did smile for a few hours. because of desi! she's so amazing. i like her. i really do. i can't wait for the next couple of days. i'm breathing to heavily. my heart is racing. and there is something on my cheek that belongs to my eye.

beyond a distance i will allow to reach.

what do i do? there are to many decisions to make. i hate decisions. they scare me or something. whatever that means. i'm hurting. once again. what else is new. this is why i'm nervous. is because of the thoughts i release are what gets you into what i'm thinking when you can't read me... today the kids left once again. they will be gone until daniel turns 11 in a week and half. ugh. then it's off to my buffalo. to face something harder than the next breath. it seems. even though it is nowhere close. i feel so ugh. just blah i guess. but yet abandoned. hurt. afraid. loved. happy. beyond sad. who knows. as i drew today and played a beat i felt so relaxed but so overwhelmed. one of these days i'm going to go. go nowhere. just go. to wherever i end up. turning whichever way feels right. that sounds so wierd. i'm cold. no actually i'm freezing. this bracelet is getting in the way. 'you're killing me smalls' haha. i can't get that out of my head. i love that movie so much. it makes me smile. i'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. even though it will be so completely stressful but yet i will be able to relax. yay. mis pensamientos me agobian. i'm loving my best friend nicole. she's so great. ah! how awesome. she makes me smile every day. yay. i'm so glad that we are friends and that i can feel comfortably telling her anything and everything. literally. i'm o sore. why are thoughts such a scary thing. ¿por qué quiero mantener todos los tan muy lejos?

nothing.

mark is hot! yay! what fun. every moment was fun. from preparing the food, setting up, having a fire happen on the grill, people showing up, games, dinner, people leaving. except one thing was not. sarah cut her finger pretty badly. aww. she'll be ok but i know it hurt and i'm still worried about her. i laughed alot and smiled alot. it was great. i'm so glad we were able to do that. and that i have such amazing friends! yay! i like them alot! movies and more movies. otra vez. so much fun. there were complications but only by something good. well i think so. actually i don't know. well then today and the crazy science museum. was nice to go there and be able to spend time just breathing and looking around except for that it was this huge wild field trip for almost all the camps! it was a madhouse. i came out with such a headache. oh well. i'm drained. really. just blah. i ugh. no words to say. just yeah. i can't even express the thoughts and feelings right now.

hurting in the worst way. Dios ayudame por favor.

sometimes it hurts more than i want it to. today. alot of stress last night at work. a dishwasher fell and broke his wrist and arm for sure they think he broke his leg too. he fell on the dishes he was carrying so he's pretty cut up too. 2 people and i are the only ones who actually saw it so my words mean alot. what if i used the wrong tense or something. ugh. so much in those words. you don't realize it until they count for everything. i guess the 2 other people didn't really see it either, they saw him falling but they didn't see how. i was the one to call 911. so much responsibility there too. ugh. i don't want it. not right now. i can't handle it. then today. wow. so many screw ups. not by me. i got stuck at work a couple extra hours due to it. then came home got changed and went back. talked to dad. also. AY! why does he not give a crap. i want him to care. i want him to understand. my heart is breaking papi. i cry everyday. i hate this. i don't want to cry. i cry randomly. por que. i hate it. i really do. i want to smile when i talk to him. not think is this the last time. AY!!!! 2 1/2 more weeks. i can't handle it. i have no energy. i don't want to move. i don't want to type. i don't want my eyes to be open. i don't want to think. i don't want this constant headache. i don't want this nausea. ugh. i saw ryan today. YAY!!!! for the first time in a week. that week is finally over. i'm ecstatic. i couldn't stand it much longer. this is ridiculous. why does he care so. i finally am able to call him up at 3.30am and not feel bad for doing it. if i needed someone to talk to. i know that alot of my friends say i can but i feel bad. him i don't. i have someone who can make me smile at work. i have one of my bestfriends back. tomorrow is kaleo. tomorrow is mark is hot! and i can't wait. hopefully i will smile ALOT! papi escoge parar. escoja vivir más largo. por favor, para mí­.

¿¡†THIEF!?

feeling better today. talked to my creature. that was nice. only like 2 more weeks left to go. yay! and i'm talking to nicole right now. as if that is new. haha. i'm missing ryan though. not missing some of his jokes. but yeah missing him so bad. i see him literally every day! and i have not seen him in 4days. AHHHH! 2more left. finally. it's going to be weird when i go to ny. a whole week without nicole or ryan. or nick. or lauren or sarah. or anyone else. (too many) but mainly nicole, ryan, and nick, and sarah. so weird. i see nicole 3 or 4 times a week, same with nick, and sarah and i try to hang out as much as our schedules will allow. oh goodness. i'm wearing my new kicks. just because i like them a lot. and cause they are puma. i've always wanted pumas. and they are brown!! i have puma cleats but this is my first pair of sneakers. yay!

today also was a little rough here and there. but it was not so overwhelming as it has been. which was good. i need a break from all this. going to ny will take away part of it. but not enough that i can breathe comfortable. just enough so i can breathe.

i wish nick would pick up his stupid phone or call me back already. gosh. stupid boys. i want to know how his eye is. ugh.

quiero ryan.

wanting some sleep tonight. i took a 'nap' yesterday for awhile. hoping i can sleep tonight. praying for a whole night. soon enough...

AY!AY!AY!AY!AY!AY!AHHHH!

forthoseofyouthatactuallysitehereandtakethetimetofigureoutwheretheonewordstopsandthenextonebeginsiwouldlikeforyoutoknowthatit'snotbecausei'mdoingthisbecausei'mfeelinglazybutithinkthatwhateverihavetosayinhereisforthoseofyouthatactuallywouldliketotakethetimetoreadthis.i'mfeelingkindofupanddowntoday.notknowingwhattothinkorwheretogoorwhattodo.justhere.justblah.whateverthough.i'mmissingryanso.it'swierdhimnotbeinghereandmehavingtobethereverydaywithnoonetocalmmedownwhenthingspissmeoff.liketodayihadnowordstosayandallididwasbroodwithangerwhichwassowrongbuthatwasallthaticouldo.youknowandthinkingaboutmydadwasdrivingmeinsane.ihadnoonetosayanythingtobecauseihateshowingweaknessandwithryaniknowicanshowitandhewouldnotthinkthatiwasbeingweakbutthatiwastrustingandthatmeanssomuchmorethanwhatever.newyorkwillbeheresoonenough.i'mdreadingthesenextcoupleofweeksasiwaitonityetiknowtheywillflybyasiftimewasnothereandthenagaini'mdreadingactuallybeingthereandhavingtofacetherealityandhavingtohavethatconversationwithhimandhavinghimputhisarmaroundmeagainandkissmyforeheadashetellsmeitwillbealrightyetiknowitwon'tanditakesuchcomfortinhisvoiceandwordsalthoughitismainlyhisfault.heknewheshouldhavestopped.whydidn'the.heknewwhatwastocomeofitifhedidn'tandyetheinsistedtobethestubbornmanthatheisandtocontinuetodoit.notcaringsomuchastowhatiwouldthinkormysistersormystepmom.why.idonotknowyetiknowthatheprobablyhurtsoverthissomuchbutican'tseemtothinkstraightlyonit.andasireadfromozielallicouldthinkandfeelwasthesamethinghomeishomeyetihavetwohomesandwhichoneisreallymyhomeordoireallyevenhaveahomeforthatmatterorisitasihaveasummerandholidyhouseandarestoftheyearhouse.i'mhurtingmorethannormallatelyandican'tseemtostopit.howridiculousami.

missing my special homeslice creature...

i'm liking my new very large sito's sweatshirt. it's great. it makes me happy. interesting day. still don't know what to think. but feeling overwhelmed. kind of crappy too. i'm going to ny in less than a month and am so extremely excited and overjoyed for it. yet so unprepared for that conversation that i have to have. i don't know if i can do it. as that tear builds up and knowing i can't let it go. it's to hard for me and way to much for me to think about right now. i need sleep.

thinking, over thinking.

i was there, with him, just sitting there. doing what i can't remember. but i know he had his arm around me and i remember as if it were 5 minutes ago him gently kissing my forehead and telling me he would always love me. that day hurt. i still remember the shakiness in his voice. i still remember that clear drop of tear in his eye. and the same in mine. running down my face. making it even harder. i climbed in his arms and never wanted to leave. leave his arms. leave that moment. leave that hour. leave that day. leave that city. leave that state. but here 12 years later i sit. wondering the next time i will be there again. i hate this. i hate being thousand miles apart. i hate not being able to see him everyday when i come home. i hate not being able to talk everyday. i hate not being whole. quiero estar allí otra vez. but what the hell does it matter what i want.

GOOSE IS 55! tomorrow.

feeling kind of blah. nothing really in particular. i like ana'el. she's so funny. she stuck with me half the night yesterday. that made me smile. i want to say to much but not knowing where to begin. where to go. or where to end.
scratchy but soft and gentle.
where to go now. what to say or what to do. it was the first time i really knew where it stands. now i have more of an answer and am prepared to wait. i know for sure now. that's all that i wanted. and that's fine with me for now.
sonreír.

here i stand 6 feet small...

i smiled today. alot. went to kaleo. YAY! bill is so awesome. after we had a sunday afternoon movie thing at the glaser's. that was fun! then i went to johnny carrino's. we went to the mall but forgot it closed at 6 and it was about 5.40 when we got there. so yeah. we came home. i lied down for awhile. and then i got online and was/still am talking to nicole. and here i sit. my day does not sound that exciting, which it wasn't. but i had fun and i laughed and that's all it took. and just sitting there listening to john mayer with ryan was awesome even though he was giving me crap, as usual. but it was good. i enjoyed it. tomorrow i work and then have road trip. but it's ok because i am excited. over nothing really but i am. and i can't wait for tuesday! mason and maleah are coming over to hang out with me!! YAY! hopefully it won't be raining. we wanted to go to the pool, so we'll see. i'm so happy! then that night my mom and i have a date to go see the devil wears prada! i haven't read the book. but would like to. but i'm dieng to see the movie! i'm hoping to get together with my awesome friend nicole this week! :) i love her. she's become one of my bestfriends. YAY! i can tell her anything and not have to fear the comeback. even if it is bad or whatever i know she is telling me what she thinks and that it's for me. for a reason. not because she's mad at me or trying to be rude or anything like that. we'll say the same things and think the same things. it's funny. we become the biggest dorks when we talk about some things. haha. but it's ok. i enjoy it. i enjoy every single talk we have and every time we get together. i don't have to worry about anything. just smiling. which comes without a doubt. tomorrow i get to spend sometime with lauren so that'll be nice. i'm really excited about work again! which is good. i'm really liking the office. that's what i want. i'm still doing so much on the floor of the restaurant but barely any drama. i've made two very good friends from it. i've been friends with them but have become so much closer. it's great. i'm wanting to go again even. yay! also my other friend and i fixed stuff. which was nice. i feel so bad for that girl. i just have to pray for her alot and know that God has her in His hands. i'm going to try and go to sleep soon. probably dreaming about 6 feet something...

canada day.

wow. what a long day. i was at work from 8-12something. then i came home and started watching a movie and fell asleep for and hour! finally!! then i got up got ready and went back to work. then i had the worst experience ever at ihop with ryan, nick, desi, heather, collin, and marissa. it was ridiculous. i'm so happy the pappas are the way that they are and that we train people the way we do. i can not imagine anything happening at our restaurants the way it happened tonight. i understand ihop is not as great or nice or whatever you would like to say as the pappas but still! you don't let hair in food go. you don't not refill drinks. you don't walk up to the table and say nothing and when the guest says hi ask what their problem is. you don't walk away rolling your eyes and shaking your head without even stopping to listen to what the guest has to say when you are the manager. you don't send the server over to the table and have them handle the problem when you are the manager. you don't not appologize and argue instead. UGH! it sucked. ryan is so upset. i am too. but you should see him. i've never seen him so upset. that's ridiculous. and it's not as if we don't come there all the time or anything. AHHH!!! that makes me so angry. otherwise today was good. today, although i was at work alot, it felt good to be there. i enjoyed myself. although i did get a little stressed/upset about some things. it took my mind off stuff for awhile. which i so desperately want to talk about. to some degree. but i don't think i can allow myself to. looking at those scars and remembering. ugh i can't.