missing the right words...

so many things that i wish to not speak of. they are there constantly smacking me in the face. knocking me off my feet. flipping me over. making everything else in my life stop just to make sure this goes perfectly well. i'm at a point where i'm not really feeling any emotions except that i have to relieve her and do the most that i possibly can to relieve her stress and i have to protect them so they don't get hurt and don't think it is their fault. oh how that hurts. it is not their fault!!!! that is about as far as my emotions are going on that, is that it hurts to see them hurting. ¿quiere usted escaparse conmigo? oh how i wish i really could. is london really going to happen. who knows where we'll be then. what about thanksgiving? his birthday? as much as i wish not to be there, i know i should. and what about for them? what about christmas? it's all here and what now? i miss her so much. it's finally hitting me now on the 3rd day. this morning as i sit here and type normally i would see her going off to school. about the most that i would probably see her unless she came home on wed. and if i did too. it's all going on right now. i wish that i could be there with her to hold her hand and guide her in the right steps. but i'm here and trying to do the same thing here with everyone else. i wish that time would stop and i could go to london and come back and i could help then. ugh. only if that really could happen. as i sit here and pretend that i know nothing of what is happening but really knowing she is doing something that should of been done a long time ago but how bad will it be hurting after that last paper is signed. i offered for me to be there with her but she doesn't want me to take off of work. maybe it is God letting her do this by herself so she can keep being built up to be strong for this. it is so hard to do. just watch her do all this work that i wish i could just change everything and it would all be ok.
thank God for markandsarah. last night i got to eat with them at mamma's cafe. there's no place like the cafe... oh they made me laugh and i forgot it for so long and then i thought about it and mark asked more questions. even though i really don't know to much to say it felt good to talk. i love them so much. God has just strengthened our relationship so much and i'm so happy and blessed to have their friendship. i truly love hanging out with them. sarah and i should be doing our Bible study today hopefully. i think that will be really good. i'm excited. maybe i will bring over a movie for sarah to laugh. i love showing her funny movies. i hope her and marlon can meet too. i know God is building something there. sarah is so amazing.
oh how good it is to here them laugh. wondering what is really going on in their heads though. they laugh a lot but say they are afraid. what are they thinking right now?
...

dinner with my amazing sister...

well i found out some more upsetting news today. but in the end i suppose it is good. well yeah part of it is really good but the rest is total crap. well after work (today i saw some old high school teachers there. it was interesting. i found out my oa knows lil steve. how weird...) i got to dinner with my sister. after a long decision making process that really was going in circles we ended up at pappasito's. we both love it here. (obviously i do) well of course seeing that it is a friday night they were on a wait. well while waiting jennifer wanted to say hi to one of the bartenders she knows so we walked over to say hi and on our way back to where we had been waiting we passed this guy that jennifer thought his hair was really weird. well i didn't see so we go to walk back so i could see. well as we are getting closer she points at him. well who else could this guy be but my marvin!!! i love his hair. gosh. everybody loves his hair. except for jennifer and lauren. well that was weird. and i look like absolute crap! ugh. well anyways he was quiet for marvin when i see him normally. (but last time when i met his mom he was the same way.) well anyways i got to meet his mom and sister again. and i got to meet the mr. marvin odum sr./jr. (there is really like 4 of them i think. somewhere around that number) he was polite but didn't talk to much. his mom was really talkative to me. and it was cute normally when people at work ask questions to him he looks at me and half the time i wind up answering them. well today with out my look he would answer the questions his mom asked me. he knew all my job titles! i have quite a few. lets see, head host. to-go server. training coordinator. banquest coordinater assistant. office assistant. yeah wow. it made me happy that we ran into him. well he sat close to the front while we sat close to the back. well a lot through dinner i would catch his mom and him looking at us and when they caught me looking they would smile and you would see marvin saying something. well in order for his mom to see us she had to turn all the way around. we were behind her. wondering what they were doing and what they were talking about.?!. but it was defintely a good dinner. i'm just thinking about a lot of stuff and i'm tired of thinking.

tim burton. marvin odum jr. chicken&dumplings-sito's. sarah.

this will be a real post. seeing that i haven't really been updating that much lately and that my last post was a short one because i had to go to work but i wanted to write. well anywho here it is.
let's start with monday. monday was my first day for to-go training. since i do it all the time but have never been officially trained they decided i should probably be trained. it was really fun. i scored a 100. then i met up with lauren and then we sat in so much freaking traffic to get over to the alamo draft house to see edward scissorhands with michael and his mom. it was awesome. first because i just love that movie. (i love tim burton films and if you realize johnny depp is in most of them and i don't think he is that cute or anything but i love his acting. but yes i'm in love with tim burton films. charlie and the chocolate factory, edward scissorhands, sleepy hollow, etc.) second because i've never been to a dinner movie theatre. i loved my food. then michael, lauren and i went to starbuck's/barnes and nobles and lauren and i got some white chocolate thing it was good. it was awesome just to spend time with them. i got some more postcards too. YAY!! i love love love the postcards barnes and noble has. ask me and i will show all the ones i have. well that was monday
now for tuesday. had my second day of training. and again i passed (don't know score didn't tell me. i got one or two questions wrong on my test though.) it was awesome. i cooked!!! yes it's true. i do not lie. (for those of you who don't know. i don't cook!! and when i try i wouldn't even try it myself.) well a cook helped me cook 7 of our plates. i did all the work angel just told me what to do. we cooked our 6 combo plates so i could learn them better and our taco suprema just because a guest ordered it(this was the most fun because i got to drizzle the chipotle sauce and sour cream sauce) i also love chopping the fajita meat. oh so fun. the knife is huge and i didn't cut myself once. go me. after this i got to try them all and then the 4 servers that were there and i got to eat them all. yummy. everyone liked them and they tasted just the same as when the cooks make them.! i didn't think i could do it. then i met up with lauren. talked to marvin a couple times. we stopped at the mall to get dinner. lauren's: chocolate chip double doozie, chick-fil-a chicken nuggets, waffle fries, dr. pepper very little ice. mine: original pretzel with salt, m&m double doozie, chick-fil-a's sweet tea(the best i've tried yet.) i got the largest cup they have. mmm... then we went and picked marvin up. he is drop dead gorgeous to me. and he smelled really good. (i think because i've started falling for him i pay attention to these little things or maybe it is like mr. brown cow says i'm a girl around marvin) i like his cologne. then we went to community group at the glaser's house. it was awesome. marvin is so funny. i know when he is paying attention and when he is just acting it. the whole time he was leaning forward and immediately as someone would talk from the other side of the room his head would switch before the first syllable was out. and then he was pulling at his eyelid. weirdo. (sarah saw too. so weird) the best part i think was when we were using ryan's Bible and it's small and marvin goes is this the whole Bible? i almost died laughing. he has never seen a Bible so small. he's been raised in a catholic church all his life. he really liked it though and wants to come back and wants to go to the gathering but this weekend he will be in austin for a wedding. then markandsarah, lauren, marvin and i went to amy's for icecream. marvin and i had never been. it was good but i didn't think anything to extraordinary of it. then we took marvin home. on the way home... yes we did it we put one of nsync's songs on and sang to it again as if we were our preteen bop girls. i think he thought we were a little strange. it's ok. oh yeah he payed for my icecream and wouldn't let me. it made me smile. i like marvin odum jr. ...a lot.
now wed. pappadeaux closed so they pulled me from training to host because they thought it would be exteremly busy. hardly. then i had to go take the lie test. i passed. see told you i don't lie. then i went home for a bit. then i talked to sarah and i left to go and get some pappasito's to surprise her and her family for dinner. i got us campfire shrimp(comes with fajitas so i got them mixed), shrimp quesadillas(yummy), and mixed fajitas. mmmm..... i had to smell it all the way to her house. well i'm about 2 or 3 minutes away and i get a phone call from her. i knew it had to do with dinner. shoot. i'm almost there. then sarah asks do you like chicken and dumplings. (i love chicken and dumplings) i paused didn't know what to say. i wanted to get the food there. oh well. i get there and oh so surprised. so we spent sometime talking and playing(because sarah invited me to come play with her. silly girl) then we went to blockbusters and got tommy boy because sarah said that i had to see it. and we walked over to krogers and got swedish fish(my daddy's favorites) and sour patch kids(which without fail my dad and i get when we go to the theatre to catch a flick, we share them. my stepmom thinks we are growse) (how weird made me think of my dad a lot) then we went home and now dinner was ready. so we had chicken and dumplings and pappasito's. weird combo but we all enjoyed it so much and i was about to pop when i was done eating. i love sarah. sarah and i played some more until bonnie, charles, and mark got there and ate some food while talking about their band. i love them too. then after they left we watched 'the stepfather' sarah's family's home made version. oh daniel... makes me laugh, then we watched tommy boy. oh so funny. i love david spade. made it even better. i'm glad this night was spent with sarah. took my mind off stuff, realized a bunch of new things, got to hang out with my best friend and so many amazing friends. but mostly i spent time with sarah, my best friend, and that felt extravagant.
today. not to much. weird mood. but i'm thinking about things i don't really want to.
but i'm also thinking of marvin...

brick wall of hatred

Can't
Protect
Self

gosh life is so hard to handle sometimes. i can't wait until tomorrow night to see mr. magnetic poetry. i know he is going to have the advice that i need to hear. he's going to feel the same with almost as much as i do. i think.

marvin. marvin came to tuesday's community group. i'm so happy. he really liked it and i'm glad. he wants to keep coming he said. it made me smile. still is. markandsarah, lauren, marvin, and i went to amy's for ice cream.

i think i'm falling for marvin.

why have tears. they do absolutely nothing.

why i'm fighting back what i want to do so bad. i don't know. i know it will hurt. but i want that hurt i think. i'm hurting to much not from anything emotional from him this time but that what he says just gets me so angry and that i can feel and want to do things i know are so wrong but i just don't care. that's where the hurt it. ugh. i hate this. and then my cousin. my favorite person. if our mom were the same instead of sisters we would be twins. and she's hurting all the way up there. gosh. what to do. ugh. just struggling so bad. i hate this. i just want to leave. go away. never see him again. ever. ever. where is mr. magnet poetry?? oh. i just can't stand this. and i can't stand that tear that keeps coming to my eye that i refuse to let go any further. why does this have to hurt so much. i can't stand to take any more of it. i need to get away. get away from it all.

yo le odio. ahora lo que es usted yendo a hacer.

i'm holding everything i have in me not to punch. it is making just want to scream out. there are some many things that i want to say because i know that they'll make him hurt and that's all that i want him to feel. how stupid can someone be. ugh. this is driving me insane. i'm trying to not to shed that one tear that just keeps coming. i have to run away from it. i feel no fear or not one bit of love nor like. everyone is terrified. i wish that it would just happen one more time to me and that it would end it all... for good. i get physically ill. all i can hear is that voice that just gets me so angry. or even just seeing that truck. ugh. i've been having no emotions since friday night except for the anger that is built up inside me and it keeps building. i want to so badly take my fist and show... ugh. last night for a few moments i had forgotten it all. and it made me feel good. it was with my bestfriend and her amazing boyfriend. how good it felt to know that everything is the way it should be there. there is that voice. it's my key to go.

hard like rock marshmallows...

i love sarahandmark. i love the townhouse. i love pappasito's. yesterday was a really good day. i had work in the morning. then after i got off i met up with lauren and we ate at panera bread. then we went shopping while we waited for her cookie cake that she was taking to work to get finished. of course it took us forever to find something seeing that friday marvin and i are getting dinner together. where, what the dress code is, everything... i don't know. he won't tell me. i can only guess and hope that i look good and am dressed right. ugh. boys. tonight i get to work with him. well anyways after that lauren had to go back to work and i went to go see markandsarah's townhouse and for sarah and i to do our Bible study. the townhouse is great and it doesn't matter that they don't have it totally furnished because they are great and you don't need furniture to have a good time. i love them. then sarah and i went away from mark so we could do our Bible study. oh i love her. i love God so much. He is making us grow so much closer and learning ways to help each other and to stay strong with Him. it's so amazing to see what He's done in that relationship and to see what He's doing in sarah's life. afterwards we sat around and laughed at hard marshmallows. oh sarah. silly girl. and then we decided to eat at the hole in the wall chinese place. well while we were pulling out sarah remembered they only take cash so then we decided to go to pappasito's. we decided to eat outside. while we were sitting down we saw this couple a table away that goes to st. mark that mark new from his ministry there. we had chipotle shrimp for an appetizer. ( yes chipotle is a spice not just a restaurant. hehe. just kidding) then mark had chicken enchiladas with salsa verde. sarah and i shared queso flamillado with chicken. we really enjoyed it. i love that couple so much. God has really formed a great relationship and let me have a friendship there with them. how amazing is that. this weekend sarah and i might be spending the night together. that's cool. i'm happy today and i'm looking forward to tonight.

whisper...

Just whisper his name and mr. magnet poetry magically appears!!!

you know it all so well...

yeah. stuck, i suppose. no words can express the emotions i feel right now. i'm looking forward to tonight with my 'frat party community group'. i know i can say what i feel and have a smile without it being anywhere near not being real or sincere. lately every now and then i have been pushing that smile out of me. especially here at the house. this week has turned into being so long and i want it to end. it's as if there were a clone here and it causing that volcano to erupt.

i just want to do what souza said:

dance, as though no one is watching you.

love, as though you have never been hurt before.

sing, as though no one can hear you.

yeah. that would be so great. i'm in a happy but upsetting mood. i just feel like crap. not physically, but emotionally. i'm drained i guess. but today i know that my God has given me His grace, my favorite person will be at work, my rusty will be at community group, my bestfriend and i will see each other. that's what will keep that smile on my face today.

butterflies in my tummy.

yesterday was good. i went to kaleo. then debbie, my rusty, suzanne, lauren, mr. brown cow, tom, mary, brittany, and i went to red robin for lunch. well i have been trying to get my hair cut for about a week now and it hasn't happened well i was trying to figure who to go with me because suzanne, tom and mary were going jean shopping, lauren was working, mr. brown cow was yeah just being him so then lauren goes well take your boyfriend and then michael and suzanne at the same time 'take odie' 'take marvin' and i said to lauren i don't have a boyfriend. well anyways i call him to see if he'll go and he tells me he is sick. well after i hang up everyone starts ganging up on me and telling me to bring him soup. if you know me you only think you do because as michael says 'i can't believe it emily is girly around marvin, she's actually a girl.' so of course i'm freaking out getting nervous saying no i can't do it. well i took lauren to work and she gets me chicken noodle soup to go with bread and stuff. i then get to his house. i'm panicking so bad by now. i almost left. i call him and said since you said you were sick i brought you a surprise so come outside. (lauren told me what to say. obviously) well he comes outside hair undone (i love his hair), pale with rosy cheeks, no shoes, plain white shirt and black slacks telling that his mom made him go to church this morning but he immediately started lying down when he got home, but with a large smile on his face. so i said i got you chicken noodle soup. (by the way he likes carrabba's a lot) he kept saying thank you and apologizing that he was sick. i kept telling him it was ok i didn't care. he had a fever and kept getting the chills. i told him to eat his soup and sleep and get better and that i would see him at work on tuesday. he said ok thankyou again gave me a big hug and then i left. i can probably guarantee that i was blushing i was so nervous. so now you all know i can be a girl. my heart was beating so fast as i left. as if i had run 5 miles or something. i'm excited for tonight. i have my community groups. i love them so much and they all get to hear about the adrenaline flow i had over at marvin's house.

i want to cry.

my wonderful amazing beautiful pin-striped heroes, the yankees. they lost. i cried. and now i have a tear rolling down my cheek. i cry every now and then again about it. i also think the red sox got swept and i smile. we fought our battle as many other pin-striped heroes and champions before us have and we followed in those footsteps. we gave the los angeles angels a battle. but we lost. i hate saying that. but next season we will take all. one day i still even though knowing i passed my opportunity i still wish to be one of those pin-striped heroic champions with the amazing derek jeter...

marvin odum jr.

i love people with sr. jr. etc. in their name it makes me smile. marvin finally got to meet my friends. part of kaleo. he liked them. they liked him. i couldn't stop smiling. everyone approved. and gosh i love mark. he invited him to kaleo. yay. he already told me he would come this week but seeing that he thought mark was really cool he said yes. we ate at carrabbas and watched my beautiful best friend (which i so long to hang out with again) [everything is perfect with her...] serve us. of course you all know me i gave her a bunch of crap just because i can. but she said yes about mr. marvin odum jr.!!!!!! you don't know how happy that makes me. sarah said yes too. my other best friend. i was grinning from ear to ear. (more like all the way around my head) we had such a delightful time (do i sound funny i think i do) when i was picking him up his dog got loose and wouldn't come back in the house. so he was running around trying to catch him and i watched.(i'm so helpful right... his sister was there too.) well anyways i wasn't lusting after him but i realized again why i like him so much. and it wasn't because i was watching him (even though he's absolutely gorgeous. i think he is the cutest guy i've ever met.) it was because of the gentleman he was to me. it made me feel good. anywho when we were leaving we got in the car and he told me how much he liked my friends and how he wanted to hang out with them again. it was the first thing he said. without me asking! and he told me thanks for asking him to come. he said he'll come on sunday. o marvin. i can't wait for debbie to meet him. and of course my jessica. then i got to work with him on thursday night. we did to-go together. yay. it was a lot of fun. i had a really good time. yay. i like marvin.

abogada. no. quizá.

work is great. i love my job. but today was even better. i got to see my favorite person i work with (and it's not marvin.) it was just a really good day. we talked a while. he made me laugh. and it was good. i smiled. long time. i haven't been smiling to much for real the past couple days but today i was. that's all that matters to me. i'm happy. he's just funny, caring, yeah you have to meet him and hang out with him to understand. but when we talk i just feel good. but yeah work is great. did i say i love my job? even though i'm working mon. 9.30-4.30, tues. 11-4.30, wed. 9.30-2/2.30, thurs. 9.30-2/2.30 and back at 3-10ish, fri. 9.30-6.30ish, sat. 4-10.30. i love it. i should be off saturdays soon. i don't like working them to much but once i see that guest smile or see my regular (when upset) i smile and it's alright. i remember why i love what i'm doing and no matter how many guests are upset (normally not to many. i run that host stand well. hehe.) i don't care. i'll take care of them and when they walk out that door i will see them smile and i will smile and feel good. my job is great. i just love it. i love it when i'm there. today i found out i got pappas spirit. we have these different award things every week and i got one of them. so anywho i got a $20 gift card to old navy. i like shirts. so that made me happy. i'm just gigantically smiling. i'm having a good day.

MY God...

let me just say i love my God. He makes me happy no matter what. He's all i need. and i love him for that. He's just amazing and wow i love Him.

yo me siento incómodo.

it's time to write. i've been so beyond busy lately. i've been sick and feeling awful; finally feeling a lot better but occasionally i get that headache and i still have that choking cough thing whatever it is; i've been working a lot and then i had to flee from the hurricane because it was headed for us and while i fled i got allergic to something and there's no telling what it is because it happened at my aunt's house that i've been to plenty of times, i've never been allergic to anything except for milk when i was little like a midget but really all i was was a small child and then it went away and then i loved milk and now i hate the taste and don't drink it (just some background info on me hehe.) and also my sister's boyfriend was allergic to something there to so i was looking forward to the mini vacation type thing but it didn't happen and that's ok i slept a lot and i need sleep and now i'm back and i've been working everyday except for sunday. that's my new schedule because the one day host quit and her last day was monday and then the other one will be leaving soon to go to dallas with a job he got with dell so soon it will be just me. but anywho my new schedule for now is monday-friday am and saturday pm. so that is definitely going to wear me out. but it won't be to bad i just have to get back into the groove of it. but starting next saturday i will be training one of the other hosts to basically 'run the show' she needs to learn how to take charge and stop goofing off and she'll be good i've already trained her with everything else so she just needs to start acting like she is in charge so that i can have off saturday nights. which that'll be nice. i prefer to only work monday-friday days. recientemente you me siento tan fuera de lugar. i had fun at community group on monday it was rusty and debbie, richard and susie, matthew, me. we all just hung out and watched the football game. the kansas city chiefs and denver broncos. and i learned a lot about football. i understood nothing about it until monday so that was kind of interesting. we were all supposed to cheer for the chiefs though because that is susie's team but they ended up losing. but it was nice to relax and hang out with them. i love them all so much. and then last night after a lot of commotion and running all around lauren and i ate at china bear with rusty and debbie. that was really good. i'm really glad that we went. i felt so bad and i still do we were almost an hour late. for reasons i wish not say but they were nothing we could prevent. that was definitely a relief to be there. then we went to surprise michael because he thought lauren was getting back today and not yesterday. well we kept calling him and he was not answering so we drove by his house to see if he was there and try to figure out what was going on. well he wasn't home so we decided that we would stall at barnes and noble until we could get a hold of him. well we get a call from lauren's mom saying that somebody came by the house and by the time she got to the door she saw michael brown pulling out of the driveway. so we finally get in touch with him and lauren made up this story that it was her neighbors and stuff and it was all good. well finally he calls me and i get to go over there to bring him his 'surprise' lauren had me pick up from the house for him. so we hide the car down the street and i get out and give him this book she had gotten for him and he was all frustrated and you could tell he wanted to go back in the house and go to bed so i'm pushing this conversation so bad and then finally lauren talks and it scared me even because i was expecting her to just walk up and she obviously didn't do that. but he was surprised and it was all good. so that was frustrating at first but it turned out awesome. that was one of our best ones of surprising someone. if you know us you know we like to surprise people. well anywho this weekend i talked to marvin a few times and that was so awesome. i love just talking to him and not thinking that the relationship will go further or not. it's just us at that moment. that's so awesome to not have to expect something from a guy or have them expect something from you or even if that relationship doesn't go anywehre you know that you will still be awesome friends in the end and that's just fine with you. he's awesome. he makes me feel really important and that he's taking time away to talk and have any kind of relationship with me. so he got back from austin yesterday and he had a great time this weekend hanging out at his grandparents house that he never gets to see. so that's good. he enjoyed himself and was able to take that break from stuff that was needed. and we are supposed to hopefully do something tonight together depending on what's going on with his parents plans and stuff. i'm very excited about that one. i'm feeling great right now, and that's all i have to say. tengo mariposas en el estómago que piensa acerca de esta noche.

enferma.

just sitting here not to worried. i'm not really feeling to much about the hurricane. i already felt like crap today. i just haven't been feeling to good lately. my head has been hurting for the past couple of days and it won't go away. i've taken tylenol and everything. i'm just not feeling to great and then i'm finally almost asleep again and my sister gets home and tells me the it's now category 5 and our family is going to san antonio tonight. so everything changed in those couple of seconds. my sister gets home from school crying and thinking that my mom is going to die because she works at tch and doesn't know if she will be staying at the hospital or not yet. my sister is 8 and was crying a lot at school today and when she got home. and me as the big sister. her 'comforter' has nothing to comfort her with except for that it will all be ok and i know that is not enough for her. it makes me feel even emotionally drained. i feel horrible. and just tons of other things that are draining me out lately. i wasn't ready for this is the way to put it i guess. i guess it will be nice to have a couple days off from work and get rid of this sickness thing that i have. i hope everything goes ok and that i'm able to return back to 'life' soon... quiero llorar bajo mi manta, bajo la caída dormida y bajo todo sean idos...

jones cream soda...

i am having an awesome time here at tapioca express by myself. i'm really glad with my choice of vanilla snowball with tapioca. it's really good. i've been able to think about a lot of stuff that's happening in my life right now including those needles that want to flow from my neck to my wrist with that solution goop in my hair. i'm kind of glad i came by myself. it's nice. pero lo que quiero realmente hacer es el grito con la una persona que sé me puede hacer me río. y todo parece ir. i'm in a good mood. i'll write more later.

9.11

today, 4 years ago. have people forgotten? are they to caught up in something? what blinds them from such a tragedy? you think that today would be a day of remembrance. maybe it is because they knew no one in the wtc towers or in the pentagon or in those planes. but don't you think they would still remember or act upon what they remember instead of acting as if it is another day with no significance or meaning. i knew many people in the towers. one was on the 83 floor. (i have his story. if any of you want to read it e-mail me. it is his words not mine. it is written in diary format. it's amazing.) one was on the 106 floor. one was on the 4. one was at the post office at the very bottom (my uncle. but he's a certified nurse and was called to help aid to people. i can tell you his story if you e-mail me. but it's not his words it's the story he told me). one was next door. it makes me so angry that no one is showing the respect that i think these people deserve. many people were killed that day or have been traumatized over it. is this really how our society acts 4 years later after such a huge chaos? my words mean nothing to the way i feel. i can't even put down my thoughts because i can not straighten them out enough to make sense for you to understand. it really hurts the way people are reacting to this day. el llanto parece no hacer nada, pero todo duele todavía tan malo.

stuck

sorry i haven't updated this week to much. i've been wanting to but everytime i get to this spot where i start to write i just turn the computer off. i just don't seem to feel like it anymore when i get to this point for some reason. la vida le enfatiza a veces al grano donde usted sólo quiere correr. no se escapa, corre apenas. i'm so tired. i just seem to have no more energy or emotions for anything else that wants to come. i'll write more and all about this week tomorrow.

deseando que durmiera.

i've been exhausted all week. especially with starting work and all. hopefully i can fall asleep tonight. i feel like i can. and i shall try.

batea, la pelota, y el caucho. y mí.

i got about 2 hours of sleep last night. ugh. i'm going through that time again when i can't sleep. sucks. because i want to sleep so bad so i keep trying and can't go back to sleep and of course i feel so exhausted that i never get up to do anything because all i really want to do is sleep and stop thinking. but then as soon as the sun starts to rise i have all the energy i need. i'm looking forward to working tonight. because my favorite person is there. but then my 'best friend' at work doesn't work saturday nights. ugh. she is the host that works with me in the days. her name's danielle. she's so cool and we get along great. oh well she works with me tomorrow night and that new guy will be there!!! she hasn't seen him yet but i told her all about him. hehe. i really ought to be doing something. i don't have the motivation, want or energy to though. is it really ok to go and sit in that room and talk to that person? even though you know nothing about them? when really all they do is listen to all that you have to say. never really give you advice. then you pay and leave. never really seems to help to much. except for you let it off you're chest. but that doesn't always seem to be enough. i think i need mr. magnet poetry's help on this one. (i hope you get what i'm talking about. that brick is looking more tempting lately... do you get it? write me an email if you want) need advice... i just need a couple more hours to pass quickly and a lot of things shall feel gone. in a way. should i be doing things differently. should i have done things differently. i want to swing that bat and knock the covering off the ball and watch it flap as it barely makes it over the fence as i run the diamond with all my might and letting all of problems bury into the dirt as i trample over them with the metal sticking a hole into them to let all the pressure release and i keep giving it my all in such rampage not knowing if i made it this time or if that ball will be caught and all my problems seem to just mellow and not be so close to gone and i could be relaxed again but instead i have to look forward to that same thing happening but focus so much harder this time on making it over and gone. but i can't. i can't do any of it. i want to be on that mound of dirt to take that rosin bag toss it into the air catch it and toss it over my shoulder to let it lay until i am ready to use it again then i take those 2 steps forward to that white rubber that i so long to stand on again and i get the fastball sign i've been waiting so long to have and i check first base and then i wind up lift my leg take the step towards home as i bring my arm over my head with all my might with those two fingers on the ball i can feel the seam slipping out of them flying towards that catchers sweet spot in his mitt as i bring my other leg forward just in case and then i hear that pop and know i did it last strike and they're out inning over game over problems over. or as i long to be covered in that beautiful hot armor as i finish yelling the count whose on what base and i pull that mask over my face so i can let out any emotion as i squat and am ready for anything to come my way i point my finger in an upside down 'v' and that curve ball starts coming towards me i'm reading for a pop in the glove a foul pop up or a ... sacrifice bunt and here comes that bat and enemy squared to let that ball bounce into my grassy territory and i 'throw' the ball while i truly have it in my glove and that charger comes toward me sliding with cleats high and bam! outta here. game over.

el pensamiento al quiero manejar...

there is no words but tons of emotions... wow! this song really stuck out to me today. it is 'all i can say' by the david crowder band. lyrics:

Lord i'm tired
so tired from walking
and Lord i'm so alone
and Lord the dark
is creeping in
creeping up
to swallow me
i think i'll stop
rest here a while

and didn't You see me cry'n?
and didn't You hear me call Your name?
wasn't it You i gave my heart to?
i wish You'd remember
where you sat it down

chorus:
and this is all that i can say right now
and this is all that i can give

bridge:
i didn't notice You were standing here
i didn't know that
that was You holding me
i didn't notice You were cry'n too
i didn't know that
that was You washing my feet

yeah so wow! i've only heard that song a million times until i finally just was wow! so cool. i just want to go out and do something to get stuff off of my mind. i want to go alone too. but i can't do stuff alone. (yes i can do some stuff but i don't like to) i really need some help sorting out some thoughts right now and i'm having the hardest time and i don't know what to do.
what do you do when someone doesn't call you for almost a week and you are used to talking to or seeing that person every day? they know you backwards and forwards. they know everything about you. but they just don't seem to be there. (no this is not a boyfriend or anything like that)
speaking of boyfriends i met this really awesome guy yesterday. he was in orientation at work yesterday. he's everything on 'my list' (what i want my husband to be... don't ask it's michael) the only thing that i'm not positive about is if he likes baseball. so i'll have to ask him on sunday when i see him. i work with him! he's so cool. and get this he just spent the last 4 years in london because his dad works with an oil company and gets restationed every couple years. how cool is that? so he told me that sometime we'll have to go together!! yay!! that is definitely exciting. i'm so hungry. i haven't eating dinner yet. i just have no incentive to go get some food. i'm lost in my own thoughts. i'm struggling so bad with some of them right now. i keep getting these innocent phone calls from a friend that are actually about something completely different but at the beginning of all of them she'll ask 'so how are things going?' and all i want to do is tell her all my thoughts because i know she'll understand and give me advice but i just can't seem to bring myself to tell her some stuff over the phone i want to see her in person. so i'm just waiting until we hang out or meet or something so i can share with her. i love her. i miss my buffalo too. i miss my mimi. my cap'n rainbow. my homeslice creature. (even though she is in college and a couple hours away.) my lisa. and all the others. i miss the portrait i have and thought that my dad was. the one i wish he was. i guess. my shoulder is killing me. i see the doctor in a week and 1/2. i can't wait. hopefully nothing else is seriously wrong.
i just want to go driving...

thoughts. mainly work.

some nights i just can't sleep... last night i ended up falling asleep at 3. and i woke up a 1/2 hour ago. and all throughout the night i kept waking up constantly. i don't have to be at work until 11 and i woke up at 7.15 today. ugh. oh well. i'm looking forward to today. my favorite person at work is going to be there. and i think my favorite manager said they are going to be there today too but i'm not positive. even if they are not work is always fun. so i don't care. and thursdays are my favorite day at work. (because those 2 people will be there.) see today i really only 'work' (if that's what you want to call it. haha.) from 11-2 and then from 2-2.30 i get ready to do orientation and then from 2.30 to about 5 maybe a little longer i teach all of our new hires in orientation. and most of the time it's just me teaching some times when we have a server moving up to becoming a trainer we have them come in and they assist me so they can 'get prepared'... sure. or one of my managers will just come in for a few minutes just to make sure everything is cool. so it's nice even though i was gone all summer that i've still held this position and i've still held the position of head host. they keep asking me to become a manager and not go into missions. all except for 2 of my managers. my favorite 2. (not because of this reason) they are so cool. all of them. they love me and i love them. i really don't see myself as that great but everybody is telling me 'it's like we gained 3 employees' so that's nice to hear... although it's not true. i'm in such a good mood. and the yankees won last night!!! and that's helping my good mood a lot. i asked one of my friends what they thought of puerto rico the other day and there response was 'what's puerto rico?' so that was quite interesting. wow. i didn't know what to say. this person is a senior this year too. wow. i love puerto rico so much too. that was definitely odd. i want to get some new cds. i love my cds i have but i'm kind of sick of listening to them even though every time i do i enjoy them just as much as any other song. tomorrow my mom has the day off from work and it's the first time in almost a week and then she has to work 6 days again. and i have to work from 11-2 and then i meet with jessica and bill. i'm definitely looking forward to the things i have to do but it's getting in that routine where we don't talk to much anymore. well i suppose i need to go start doing my hair and make-up for work. got to look pretty. yeah whatever...

random

well the game is over. we won, 2-0. i love the yankees! everytime i watch their game i get this adrenaline flow. then i get crushed because i think of how i could of made it there if i kept going and maybe i could of been like billy sunday if i kept on going. am i really making the right choices? i definitely hope so. i am so exhausted right now but i can't sleep. i have work tomorrow and i'm excited. i started on tuesday and i was really glad to be back. my friend definitely made the day a lot better as well. they are so awesome. they can make me smile and laugh no matter what kind of mood i'm in. it was nice seeing all of my other friends as well to but this one friend in particular made it even more special. it feels so nice to be back at that place where i know i can really escape from everything. friends and all. even though that may sound bad it's true. it's kind of like getting a break from life for a little bit or something. it never seems to where me out. except for by the end of the shift i just don't want to be standing anymore but if i had to i could. so it's nice. i like going there. well i have this cut right on top of this freckle on my arm and the scab got ripped off today and i think it took part of the freckle with it. if anyone knows let me know. can i get any disease or something weird like that from this? i know this sounds funny but really i think it ripped this line of my freckle of with it. it hurt. so many thoughts... i have a stalker type person... haha. if you want to know about them ask me. i'm not going to post it because i don't know if they read it or not. i'm so in love with the yankees! i'm thinking about taking ballet to get back in shape. if anyone would want to do that with me just let me know. oh got my pictures back from ny yesterday! they are so awesome all 12 rolls! some of them were missing so i'm going to have to check out the negatives and see if they didn't print or if they didn't come out. a couple were a little blurry but that's ok. they kind of look cool that way so that is ok. nm hjbkm. <---- that is a message from my cat. if you know what it means let me know. he's so cute he was sitting here next to me and meowing and then pressed with his paw and that is what came of it. argh. my shoulder is hurting so bad. lately it has been hurting almost constantly, it'll pop a lot, it sounds like it's tearing sometimes, and sometimes i can feel it go out of place and come back in. ugh. gross. luckily i see the doctor soon. i love my doctor he is so good. man God definitely blessed derek jeter. hehe. ask mr brown cow about it, he'll let you know. (michael brown for those of you who were wondering) well i'm going to go to sleep before i have to get up to get ready for work.

yankees. derek jeter. me.

the yankees are playing!! derek jeter is up to bat!! and we are winning 2-0!! the only thing that could be better (here on earth of course) is to be derek jeter's wife and be in safeco field watching him. haha. i wish. write more after the game. it's a good one!

.mis sentimientos.

i feel really good right now even though nothing out of the ordinary is really happening. i just feel... i feel just peaceful and at ease. even though there is so much more that i could be worrying about. i was thinking today i really have a heart for puerto rico. i've always realized it and i've always wanted to be there so badly. it's almost as if i longed for it and then today when i read jessica's post on russia i knew exactly how she was feeling. it spoke so true and real to me. it feels so comforting to think about it. i love the david crowder band! they are so awesome. i feel so at ease right now. i want to go driving around. i don't know where i just want to drive straight and just keep going and see where i end up at. just me and the empty road. nobody else. no other distractions. just peace. calmness. relaxation. new york... how i long to be back there. it's my home and always will be. no matter where i will be i will always consider that my home. that's where i feel the most relaxed. i know that may sound funny but i do. there is this comfort i get when i'm there. even though there is a thousand of problems and things that could be distracting me i'm in a great mood while i'm there. i know this is going to sound weird especially coming from me; i want to cry. tears of sorrow along side those tears of joy. which there seems to be no line right now. which is nice to feel that emotion for once. i may be rambling right now and if i am i'm sorry but this is how i am feeling. words are so amazing. just look at what God blessed us with. you look and see at how many words there are in our language and think that in so many other languages there is another word that is still really the same word. how amazing is that. i was watching harriet the spy this morning. don't ask me why i haven't watched that since i was 12 or 13 but i was. and there was one thing that i did like that they said in there. is that harriet wished she could see everything in the world and write down everything she saw and thought. i wish that were true that we would be able to do that but i know that is impossible. but if there were a compilation of my thoughts i wouldn't know where to look first or where to tell people what to read first. there is way to many and they never seem to be flowing with each other. i wish i were to be able to better describe what i think and feel but i seem to never be able to find the right words or the way to say it out loud it always seems to be stuck in my head for no one else to know except for myself. do you ever feel that way? lost in your own thoughts? no one to tell them to just because you don't seem to have the words to speak. or even sometimes you feel like you have a lack of vocabulary. there is so many wandering thoughts racing through my mind along side the millions of emotions that i'm feeling. i just don't know where to rest my head at. except for that pillow to dream about...

...my buffalo...

i'm back here in houston after a long trip back. i was so busy that i never got to post but i did get the chance to write it down while i was there in my buffalo so here it is:
i’m here in my buffalo. we've been having an awesome time. saturday when we got in we had lunch at anderson's (those of you who know what it is; we didn't get to have the icecream we were to full.) then we came back to my aunt's house and just hung out for awhile until she was done with this function with her church. then we all talked for a while. later on we were going to go to carrabba's for dinner but there wait was to long so we went to this place called tully's! (it's a sports restaurant) so that was really good. the yankees game was already over so i didn't get to see it. we came back home and talked for awhile and then went to bed. sunday we all slept in (this was weird for lauren and i as well as my aunt and cousin (one of them went to church because she's leaving for college on thursday.) because all of us never miss church) for lunch we ate at carrabba's and they sang happy birthday in italian to lauren and i. then we went to my uncle's house; which was good. i didn't get to see two of my cousins because one of them just went to miami for college and the other was working. but we got to talk and we are going to go to the bison's game with them on thursday and then have dinner and then leave to go back to houston. so i'm definitely excited about that because i rarely get to see them. after that visit we came back to the house for a while and then lauren and i went out to show her some of the stuff around tonawanda (one of my old houses (apartments) is over there) so i got to show her some stuff of where i grew up mainly. we went by my airplane park (kenney field), covenant academy (my old school), where my mom's father is just because i wanted to visit his site even though i wasn't born before he left us. then we went and saw some of my stepdad's family. we only stopped by both of his two sibling's families houses that live in buffalo. so it was quick but kind of nice i suppose. (we used to be friend's with the one family before my mom married him so it was nice to see my friend/cousin that is only a month or 2 younger than me. i really like him, we get along great.) then we went to ted's for dinner!!!! (all of you who know me know i love ted's; it's probably my favorite restaurant ever! their hotdogs are the best!!) i love my ted's!!!!! the we stopped by anderson's since the one we went to is right next door to ted's and we brought back ice cream so we could have cake and ice cream (because my aunt and cousins had gotten me a cake for my birthday but we kept being to full to eat it. so we finally did) then we started to watch vanity fair until we all got so tired we had to go to bed and decided we would finish it later this week. monday we were going to go to parkside candy because it is the best candy shop ever and the one of main street serves lunch. but they had an illness and were closed so we went to sweet jenny's which is my sister's favorite candy shop and it's even more special to her because it was my grandma and her spot. so we got some candy and then got jenny's ice cream (owned by the same person; just down the street). then my cousin wanted to get highlight's done so we dropped her off and then took lauren to a nail salon to get her nails done and dropped her off and then my other cousin and i went to dick's (only the best sporting goods store ever. my grandma every birthday would take me to flying tigers (because i got to choose) and then we would go to dick's so i could pick something out (because i got to choose).) and i got a yankees helmet!! it feels so good to be back home in my buffalo and be able to go to everywhere i know and show lauren so she can feel the same way i do about it. hopefully. but i doubt it. then we went to pick lauren up and they screwed up her nails really bad so we have to go back and get them to fix them. then we went to pick my other cousin some starbuck's because she absolutely loves coffee! so we went back to the hair salon to pick her up and sat there for about a 1/2 hour if not longer until her hair lady came out and told us that she had called a friend and left a 1/2 hour ago if not a little bit longer. so we started panicking and freaking out and trying to figure out why she didn't call us and so we tried calling the house to see if my aunt knew anything and the phone wouldn't allow us to call the house. so we started heading home and we see her walking towards the house leaving the parking lot so we all were freaking out yelling where were you?! and so it was crazy but our phones weren't working is all that it was but we all had a hear attack. so we got home and ate our leftovers and all calmed down from our crazy action packed day. then my little cousin, lauren, and i went to the walden galleria. so we spent a couple hours there and i got a bunch of stuff. and then we came home and my uncle just got home not to long before we did (he had drove his mom back to virginia because she's 91 now and can't fly or drive) so that has been exciting having him here. because he was the captain of the caronia and the QE2 and he just retired. so it's been nice seeing him. so we all relaxed and watched a couple shows on the tube and my cousin's friend was over. so that was nice i got to meet one of her friends and look at pictures of their times together. finally we all went to bed. tuesday we got up and got ready. we headed off to walmart to make copies of some of our pictures we wanted to give to others and so my cousin and her friend could get last minute stuff they needed for college. then we came back home and after my aunt got back from getting her hair cut we went to canada!! (where i'm from. haha. not really i was born in town of amherst, new york.) but my cousins, aunt, and uncle went to this play for my cousin for graduating. and lauren and i got to walk around and go shopping at niagara on the lake. so that was definitely exciting. we went to this family restaurant there and the host/busboy was really really cute!! so that was exciting. i tried to get lauren to help me get a picture so i could have it and so i could show jessica but she never got it and we went through so much trouble to get it too. then after there play was over we got some ice cream and then headed towards the falls. so we did a drive by hop- and - roll out of the car! haha just kidding. no my aunt and uncle stopped and we got out so lauren could see niagara falls, and the horseshoe falls while they drove around since parking is around $20. so we had a good time. i had used a full roll on pictures! i've taken so many pictures this trip it's awesome. i have taken about 6 1/2 rolls so far! so lots of develop and obviously pictures will be coming. then they picked us up obviously! ( i also got mark a real maple leaf!) then we came back home and not to long after we got home my stepsister jodi came and picked us up with her boyfriend and we went to duff's (it's a wing place not the originator of the buffalo wings but we hear the anchor bar sucks so we chose to go there and show lauren what the wings taste like here) and then we went back to her house and watched this show they like it's called something like dog: the bounty hunter. so that was interesting. they both like it a lot because they are both private investigators, so it's along their line of work. then jodi, lauren and i went downtown to show her around downtown buffalo. the bisons must have just won their game because there were fireworks going off. we went by the marine area and saw the haunted navy ships so that was interesting. then we stopped by tim hortons and got coffee because it is jodi's favorite. then we went to wegman's and got some more disposable cameras and film. we came home and we watched angels in the outfield and went to bed. wednesday we got up and got ready for our day. then we headed off to parkside candy. the best location of them; the one off of main st. so we had lunch there (i got the university sandwich; it has roast beef, ham, turkey, swiss & american cheese, complemented with lettuce, tomato, and cucumber slices. so of course i had the tomatoes removed. and i got it on rye bread. it's so good. it's definitely the best sandwich ever.) and then we got our candies and headed on over to my aunt's house.(the one i was just up there for her husband) and her daughter, her daughter's husband and kids were over so that was definitely a pleasant visit. they are so awesome. one of her daughters is my 3rd cousin and she was named after me and she is so awesome she just makes me laugh. she's 10 now. after this we headed over to old man river (i got a hot dog!!!!!) then we went over on the waterfront and just relaxed. we took pictures, listen to the water, watch the boats and the jet skis. just sat in silence a while and enjoyed every second of it. it made me realize even more, not like i haven't already noticed more this week, how much i miss my buffalo and how i so long to be back living in my buffalo. well we stopped by city hall/police station (they are joined together) so i could get a picture of my grandfather from my dad's side because his picture used to be up in city hall because he was the mayor, erie commissioner twice, and he set up the waterfront park. so i went in there and they are renovating so the picture was taken down so now i have to call the mayor and talk to them about getting it or a copy of it. it was funny how rude they were being to me until the found out who my grandfather was then they started treating me like royalty. after this we went back to my aunt's house to wait for my father to pick us up for dinner. well he didn't get there until 8:30ish so we ended up just grabbing something to eat from friendly's so that tasted good but it was not the most pleasantful meal. everything that i had been looking forward to with my dad didn't happen and it sucked. so when we finally got back to my aunt's house after hearing five thousand stories about absolutely nothing i was relievedv. but although of that i still want to be back here so badly. after awhile of joking around with my uncle and everything else we went to bed. thursday i got up and ate a quick little something and got ready to go to the store with my aunt to get some last minute stuff for my cousin since she is leaving today for college. then not to long after we got home my cousins stalker person came by to tell her bye. he seemed nice but just a tad bit on the odd side. hehe. and shortly after my other aunt came to pick us up. so after very sad goodbyes that i did not want to make we left and headed towards downtown. well my aunt's parents are moving so she ended up having to help them out so she dropped lauren and i off at dunn tire park to watch the bison's vs. skychiefs. well we got a little sunburned. we definitely were not thinking about this one. it's ok though we had a good time. while i was sitting there thinking about all the times i had been to the bison's games as a kid and what other events we did on those days it made me long for living in my buffalo again even more. and as i watched the game and enjoyed it lauren was watching one of the players she thought was cute. i asked her do you even know what's happening and her response was yeah the cute guy is over there being bored in the grass. so that was quite interesting. after this my cousin and aunt picked us up and we went to the galleria and walked around for a while and met my uncle at this restaurant there called jack astor's. it was really good. it was exciting hanging out and talking with them. then my uncle took us to the airport. well our flight was delayed so we ended up having to get it changed to friday morning. so my aunt came and picked us up. then we stopped at dairy queen and got some ice cream. then we had my cousin attempt to take a drive by picture as she hung half way out the car while we drove down main st. so she wouldn't miss the store and ended up taking a shot of the tree in front of it. so after this we went home and got ready for bed and then went to sleep. so friday morning we got up at 4 and got ready and went to the airport. luckily we had no more delays. so we arrived in houston about 10:45. suzanne picked us up and we ate lunch and went home. then i went to see my manager at pappasito's because it was his birthday and i had told him i would come see him and i had a gift to give him. then i came home and we dropped my film off (i ended up with 12 rolls). we came home and i slept until this morning. lots of interesting things have happened today which i would rather not speak of right now so if you would like to know just ask me. but i had a wonderful time in ny. but as i passed flying tigers it brought me so many more memories and i realized that yes one day i will live in my buffalo again.

así que enojado.

so many things did not go right yesterday. it really hurt. i just wanted it to be great on my birthday for once. even though really today is my birthday i celebrated it with my family yesterday. it was all really great. except for one thing... him. ahhhh! no words to describe it. lauren's birthday was on thursday and everything went fine until we were at the restaurant she got really dizzy after 5 minutes of being there. after an hour we got our table and just placed our drink order and then she wanted to go to the bathroom. we went and that's when it all started. she started throwing up and couldn't stop. i felt so bad and there were no words for me to say to comfort her even though i tried in so many ways. i knew exactly how she was feeling. she's feeling a lot better now but i felt horrible for her all night. she couldn't even eat her favorite cake that michael made for her. she really liked all of her presents though. michael's was the best. he's so awesome and he definitely cares. i'm really happy lauren found him. he's definitely the best guy out there for her and treats her just the way she needs to be. i really feel like crying. i hate crying with a passion. why we have tears i will never know but it hurts. i wanted to be sleeping and i did for a little bit and then i couldn't really and i kept getting text messages from people telling me happy birthday but evenly spaced out enough 5 minutes after i'ld fall asleep i would get the next one. i'm glad i got them but i can't sleep. and i leave to my buffalo in 4 hours and i can't sleep on planes and my day is packed already so there is no time for sleep so i need to get it now and i can't even fall asleep. i got my willy wonka coat!!!!! (jessica i will wear it to our meeting with bill next friday just for you. even though the people in la madeline will think i'm crazy and need to go to a mental institute i know you'll be there to support me. hehe.) so now all i need is my top hat that i've always wanted even without the willy wonka coat. maybe i'll stumble upon one soon. i hope so. we ate at pappasito's for dinner it was awesome. i saw some people that i really needed to see. really one person. that's what really made my day. i can't wait until i get back from my buffalo to go and hang out with this person and just be surrounded by that sincere caring. getting that hug from that friend and letting me know it will be ok soon and they're there for me whenever i need something even if i were to call right now. that hug just lets me know so many things and i got that hug yesterday and that meant everything and i will get it again soon enough and i can't wait. it's definitely something i need right now. i can't wait to leave for my buffalo and my new york city with my best friend and show her to where my heart is and the area i love and long to be in again. there is this undying passion for it. hopefully one day shannon and i will move there for a while. at least a year. i can do some mission work there or even take a week or couple week long trips to canada. that would be incredibly awesome. how can a person be so rotten? how can they just want to keep the problem going all the time? why not change? why bribery? gosh. so angry.

loving today

today definitely went a lot better than the past couple of days. even though i did a lot of my english work which can be stressful it was a very peaceful relaxing day and i comprehended all of the work i did today which was great. that always seems to help for some reason. my phone was ringing a lot today but it was ok because a lot of the calls were solicitors so i could just hang up. then i went to the book store and tj maxx with my mom. i got this really cool phantom of the opera book so i was really excited about that. then i just chilled for a little bit and just took the break that i needed before i went to sue's. and that was just awesome it was only 6 of us but it went really great. it was more intimate today. then i got to hang out with lauren and michael for a little bit which was good we had good conversations. now it's lauren's birthday since really it is thursday and she is 20 so i called her right at midnight. i love her and i'm sooooo glad i have her as a bestfriend. today will be a good day. tonight we are eating at carrabba's and earlier on after michael and her are done with their lunch date i'm going to meet up with them so that'll be fun. i'm going to take some photographs tomorrow too. and i can't wait until we go to new york on saturday. i'm definitely going to take thousands of pictures there. i can't wait!!! and then not to long after we get back from new york i start back at pappasito's and that is definitely something i'm looking forward to. even though it sounds funny i'm excited to go back to work i love that job and yes i'm excited about it everyday i go in. i still get my title as head host which is awesome. God is so tremendous. the way He works is beyond me but He definitely listens to our prayers and takes care of them in His timing and His will. He's so great!! i wish i had those words i so long to have to describe how amazingly brilliant and awesome and tremendous He really is but i don't have them. which some people may say is a lack of vocabulary but i say it is because of how amazing He is. my 18th birthday is in 2 days! i can't wait! i feel like going around driving and just taking photographs. i wish. maybe i'll just dream about it.

catching up

well monday went pretty ok. the party was awesome though. i love those guys so much. mark and sarah got me chewy snacks!!!! i love chewy snacks! and then they got me this coin purse thing that's really pretty that i like a lot and they also got me these gorgeous green earrings! i love them! i had a lot of fun at 1317 though. it just felt good to be there with that person i'm so close with. we didn't get to talk to much about stuff that i wanted to discuss because there were some other people there but that's ok i guess. we can just talk when i get back from ny. which i really need to do. just let some stuff off of my chest and get a opinion on them. from the person i want that opinion from. now that i'm here i thought of about a million things for that black poster board... next week i'll just have to make him a new one. yesterday was ok. i just relaxed and tried to get away from stuff and i did this really cool artwork. i liked it a lot. (if you know me you know i don't like to many of my artworks but i love to do them anyways) so i'm going to put it on the wall in my apt. when i move out. today was pretty good though i completed 1 1/2 of my english books so that was great. yeah me. productive! tonight i'm going to community groups at sue's and that's going to be great. then i get to see amie (lauren) tonight which i'm so looking forward to. she turns 20 tomorrow!!! i'm so excited. which means i turn 18 in 3days!!! and that also means in 3days from today we go to my buffalo and my new york city!!! i'm ecstatic about that!!!! butterflies and hurricanes... i'm worried...

rambling on...

i just heard hey ya on the radio and i got that feeling again. tomorrow it'll be good though i'm going to stop by 1317 around 3:00 and chill for a little while so it'll all be good. i can't wait. now i'm really excited. i love debbie. she's awesome. she always is making me feel so good. she always makes really good food too. where she gets all the ideas i don't know but God blessed her with a great talent. but no she said something to me tonight which just really meant a lot. it really made me feel better about stuff. God's amazing in the way He works. i love Him. well sarah is going to move in with lauren and i when we get our apartment after we get back from new york and im so excited. it'll be so awesome. i love sarah. she's so beautiful and amazing. so i'm really really really excited about that. it really sucks when you know if you ask that person to sleep over at your house and you already know the response is going to be no because of someone you live with and that they're not even allowed to. or even those that would be able to would probably not even want to. that really sucks. mark did such an awesome job today. he had a really good message. it went really well and i know how excited he was over it so that made me glad when i heard it and it came out so great. he's so funny he makes me laugh. today even though i got a couple harsh comments or rude comments or whatever you want to say i'm upset yes but i'm not to angry it's just upsetting and if you think about it how childish and stupid. i just keep thinking wow what an idiot but then i think well that was pretty rude but that same thought pops back up in my head. and i just anticipate tomorrow because it's going to be a really good day and it's a fresh start even though knowing that the day is probably going to start wrong but i'll just try to ignore it and make up for it. i really can't wait until community group tomorrow. once again it's my home group and i love them so much. but tomorrow we are throwing a surprise birthday party for lauren (it's ok to say that because she never reads this even though sometimes i kind of wished she did) and they are throwing something of the sort for me. it was supposed to be a surprise but they all kind of started telling me when i was telling them how i was planning lauren's so it made me laugh. i'm really tired. God just blows me away. He seems to astonish me more and more every day. i love just sitting there talking to Him or reading His word. just wow! how can that now blow you away in itself. and sometimes it doesn't and you are just like why? or what? but it's still so amazing and you just keep growing and falling in love with God even more. argh. my shoulder is bugging me. i think i need to use the heating pad tonight. i love kaleo! they are all so awesome. my birthday is on saturday and i will finally be 18! i'm so excited! well i'm just going to let God rest my heart and sing me to sleep.

¿today?

well today has been pretty ok so far. i did absolutely nothing this morning i just sat here in my room trying to think of something great to do and i couldn't so i just stayed sitting here and just thought about stuff. then i finally got hungry and i went to get some food and then he was there and it was just blah. it was semi-ok and then it just got really aggravating and i felt almost as if i was going to hyper ventilate or something. then my sister helped me do my hair. then michael and i got to go to the mfah and see the baseball hall of fame exhibit!!! it was so much fun! we had a good time and we had some pretty good laughs. while we were there we saw these two guys that were talking down about canadians and i almost had to jump them or mug them or something... but i kept my peace. i wanted to steal so many things and so did michael. just kidding. but really we did want a lot of the stuff it was just so awesome. and to me it felt like i was in a dream as i even got to touch a model of babe ruth's bat and as i got to touch and see so many other things. it was soo great. i really enjoyed it. that made up for any sickness of this morning. i just loved being there and being surrounded by something that i had such a great love for and that i used to help calm me down or get me out of so many situations (when i didn't use a brick... lots of them; which i haven't in a few months now (: it feels kind of good. but it's hard not to.) but then at the same time and i told michael too some of you know this that i got a scholarship to play baseball for a christian college in georgia (the coach is the scout for the texas rangers. talk about opportunities) if i were to accept and to go i would be the first women in college baseball ever (more opportunities) but with me going into the mission field and wanting to do it through kaleo i don't think this will work and today it hit me. my childhood dream has been shattered. me playing with the yankees will never happen. me playing with derek jeter (not because i think his is tremendously hot) will never happen. it finally hit me and it sucks. i've wanted to be on the yankees since i first saw a game and since i first held a baseball. i always wanted to do it to to make my daddy proud. even though i know he'll be proud of me no matter what. but when i told him i got that scholarship and that my dream may happen he was more ecstatic for me than he has ever been. i'm just upset and angry but also happy i'm going into the mission field. but it hurts. a lot.

blabbing

as i reread the post i just wrote i realized it sounded like i like this friend that i talked about and i just wanted to make that clear that i don't. there is nothing going on there and there never will be. definitely not that type of a relationship. besides... i'm waiting on that man (michael brown knows who that guy is haha) anyways i've just been thinking about a lot of stuff today. why be fake? why act like you're somebody who you're not only in front of some people? does it really make any situation better? should we be faking along with them so there is no more conflict even though knowing that that's not right and we need to work on the issue? wow look at the time 11:11. sarah. haha. well today i got a new journal. it is so awesome. for those of you who don't already know with the gift card my mom got for me for lifeway along with my nasb Bible i got a journal as well so i don't know what is should use the new one for now because i already started writing in the other one from lifeway so if any of you guys have an idea please leave me that comment on what you think.! anyways i'm really excited about it. both of them are just so amazingly cool. tomorrow night is going to be so great. michael and i are going to the mfah to go through the baseball hall of fame exhibit along with the rest of the mfah just because i love it. and those of you who know me know i love love love love art. and i hear there is going to be a lot of photography in the baseball hall of fame exhibit so that is very exciting for me. aww my cat is so cool (his name is michael too. michael is my favorite guys name and i love it for girls to which i keep finding more people that like it to. if i were to change my name that is what it would be michael. i probably would do michael emily duffy. oh wow i really like that. maybe i'll talk to my parents and just end up having two middle names. michael emily anne duffy. haha. i really think i'm going to.) anyways i love my cat and he loves me. so that's just how it is and that's great. he came and started kissing me. he's trying to make up for all of his biting behavior yesterday. sarah knows what i'm talking about. yeah check out my face i got a cut from those viscous teeth. God is so tremendous. He just keeps surprising me more and more. i love Him. i keep growing deeper in love with Him. that's they way it will be. a love that grows deeper and deeper that never seems to stop growing because of the amazing God that you're falling in love with. my God.

phone call with mr. magnet poetry

i've been thinking about a phone call i had yesterday a lot. i got to talk to one of my friends that has given me advise in many of my hard situations that have gone on since about 3 1/2 years ago now. he's so amazing and it was really great to talk to him and know that he's been checking my blog to check on me. he told me that i sounded really well which meant a lot because he knows me so well. he's proud/glad of me for becoming a missionary and that just really helped confirm/reassure me of that. when i had difficulties in ANY situation i would turn to him and it was nice to know after about 2-3 months of not talking or seeing each other just because of our different schedules that he's still there for me as if nothing ever left or happened or whatever you want to say. when he told me he had been reading my blog it seemed almost as if he were just watching over me (the eye of the tiger haha. only he will get that... hopefully he will. let me know haha) while we weren't able to speak. it just felt good that knowing if i had been doing something to wrong or something he didn't agree with or think was right i definitely would have gotten an e-mail or a phone call telling me something i should change. not that i'm doing everything perfect but my mistakes are not way out there terrible or what not. and that the situation with my stepdad i'm handle better than i have before. just to hear that voice brought back so many memories and it was great. i always think of him when i hear outkast 'hey ya' or any john mayer song and it just makes me smile from ear to ear inside and i just get that grin on the outside knowing that no matter what our conflicts are i can always just type away to him and i'll have that advice or that conversation that i so long to have.

good mood

i had an awesome day yesterday. i got to spend time talking with my mom. nothing special just talking. we haven't done that in so long and it felt great. i kept trying to be productive and finish stuff i had to get done but we kept ending up talking. then i got to go and spend the night at lien's house with a lot of the girls/women from kaleo and that was great. i love them all. we had a lot of fun. sarah and i got to talk alone about stuff and just seemed to get closer which was nice. i love sarah! it was really nice to get away from stuff and not have to think about it at all really. which that was awesome in itself. God is so awesome. what he does for us and the people he sticks in our lives. He is beyond everything amazing. i just love Him. but yeah yesterday was awesome. i'm really glad. i really needed that right now. tomorrow michael and i are going to go to the art museum because they have the baseball hall of fame stuff there and i'm so ecstatic. so that'll just be great. haha when harry met sally. it's on and i haven't seen it in forever. i like it. i'm in really good mood right now. and i'm glad.

no title would work

God is so beyond words amazing. if that were to be my only thought ever i would be fine with that. as i sit here and reflect on where i am at in life i'm glad even with all the struggles. they're helping to form me into who God wants me to be and that's perfectly alright with me. even though it is extremely hard. i'm in love with my father, my creator. why can't i do all the things he wants and thinks i know i should do? why has he called me to do suck an amazing thing for him? i deserve none of this. why did God send his only son to do such a brutal, horrible, indescribable thing for us when all we do is turn our backs and slap him in the face and yet once again he turns is cheek? how come he loves us so indescribabley much? we are such unworthy people. we end up taking God for granted. we forget to be awe-struck and see how marvelous He is. He put everything where it is. He created everything. He gave us the thoughts to put things together to make others. even though we use them for us and not to glorify Him or we make wrong things. why do we sit here knowing all we know and not even making the effort to share it with others? why can i have the words for everything else i want to say but i can't for Him? is it a lack of vocabulary or is it He is so amazingly awesome that there are no words or both?

not bad.

today was a good day so far. i never get to spend time to much with my mom much less alone. today we spent a lot of time together and it was great. she also got me a gift card for lifeway so i can get a nasb Bible. so i'm excited. i think i'll go before community group. my mom is great i love her. today was just so relaxing too. i got to read part of the next book for my internship so i did get stuff done too. i didn't get to much sleep last night either. what if the dream will really happen... i just can't take it. and since it started up again the thoughts have been remarkably overwhelming. God is so awesome though and through all of this he is definitely speaking to me and guiding me through in numerous ways. who know what else today holds in store

crap

the dream is back... same repeated dream. will it come true? will everything ever end so i can move on? my thoughts have been overwhelming me. i feel like absolute crap right now. but i did have a good dinner with my community group. i'm really becoming torn up over everything that's happening. i can't wait to be in my buffalo again. but not be behind that glass again. i'm in so much pain i'm about to do the thing i hate the most. i need so much of my God's help right now. i want to let the hatred go and the unforgiveness. will i ever be able to? it is becoming more and more harder everyday it seems. i just want to be happy all the time and not have these thoughts overtaking me. i just can't take it anymore.

me on new year's making fun of brittney speares!!! haha!!!

just because they are beautiful.

my brother and i. i love baseball!

i like this picture of me too. look how long my hair was! now it's all gone.

me...

this is me as a baby...

my favorite picture of me. i started drawing this by hand for my dad.

well there's definitely been a lot going on lately. i'm back at my mom's house and today has been pretty fun i've been hanging out with my little brother and sister. we went an saw 'charlie and the chocolate factory imax' and then went to a couple stores now we are back home. i've been having so many thoughts these past couple of days i can't seem to sort them out. it's killing me. yesterday was a really good day. it was really relaxing. we went to kaleo and afterwards lauren, michael, and i went to the food court at the mall and went to a couple of stores (i got this really cool hat!!) and then we went back to edward's to watch the 'march of the penguins' after that we went to michael's house and watched him play the drums for awhile God's so amazing and he shines through michael. after that we watched 'i love lucy' for a while then we went and dropped my car off at lauren's house and then we went and ate at hard rock cafe. then we got to walk around downtown for a little while while i got to take pictures!!! i've been wanting to do this for so long and i finally got to it was so exciting and then all of a sudden emotions and thoughts trampled me over and i just didn't feel good anymore. we left and went home and then i left to go to my mom's house. life is so hard sometimes. i can't wait to community groups tonight. it's my home group and i'm really excited. i love them and it always seems to help me.

smiling...

yesterday was just awesome. i had so much fun with sarah. i love her. my hair turned out perfect. i love it. i will post pictures after i get them from sarah. then i came home and started finishing my homework for my internship but ended up falling asleep which was good because i needed it and yes i finished all of my homework on time. i picked up lauren from work and she just had a crazy day and i felt completely awful because there wasn't really anything i could do. normally there's something i feel that i can do but i didn't feel like there was anything. i spent the night at my mom's house and it went pretty ok because jeff wasn't there until the morning and i had very little confrontation which was good. then today i just finished my homework and then i had to leave to go meet bill and jessica. i got stuck in so much traffic!!! the meeting went awesome. i love jessica! i'm having so much fun becoming better friends with her and working through the internship together. i'm going to miss her when she goes to russia. we are going to be decons for Kaleo though so that's interesting. then jessica came over to talk with lauren about russia and they're here talking all intently haha. you think they'ld be all depressed or something they have such serious faces haha just kidding they are happy. pray for me guys because i'm starting to stay at my mom's house again on sunday. well mr. brown cow should be over in about 15 minutes so that'll be fun! he's so much fun. steve is hilarious!!! he's playing with the dogs. he makes me laugh...

fun

well yesterday was a good day. i got to hang out with joel and help him with arabella, holden, and darin. so that was good fun. holden can shake his hotdog better than i can uh-oh!!! haha. then i picked up lauren and we stopped at my mom's house then we met her at the store got gas came home and got changed and went to a awesome community group over at the streger's house. that was definitely a good discussion this week. then michael came over and we ate our ted's hot dogs!!!! what yummy food! then i was checking my mail and lauren was too and then we were going to watch vanity fair but we were all passing out. today is going to be tons of fun too. i'm going to meet sarah at 10:30 at starbuck's and then we are going to have a Bible study type thing together and then at 11:40 we're going to get my hair cut just like hers so i'm excited and nervous... but it'll be good though. and then who knows what the rest of the day will entail for us. i'm probably going to help suzanne go and pick up the boys from waco so she doesn't have to go by herself. i'm so excited. today is going to be awesome. so i'm going to try and not think about all the other problems that are happening in my life. just put them on hold for a day i guess. i was wondering about pirates too. how come they always seem to have an eye patch, a wooden leg, a parrot, and oh i don't know something else? sorry it was just a random thought. i need to go take my shower. so maybe i'll try and wait for the herbal essence thing to happen...(hehe jessica!!)

belong?

i'm finally back in houston. i got here at 11 but took forever to get to my house and all that good stuff. as we went down the runway i saw flying tiger (one of my favorite restaurants in buffalo) and i just started to cry to myself (i hate crying). yesterday would have been my grandma's 78 birthday but she passed away last july and it's time for the 'august birthday's' (hers and mine) just about every year we would go to flying tiger and then to dick's sporting goods for our birthday's. it was always my choice and her treat she would never let me help pay and she would never choose where to go. and then it came to my attention a little over a year ago is when things started to seem to get a lot tuffer in my life and i started losing a lot of things/people that were very close to me. and here i am a year later still in houston missing everything from a far. but i don't know if i could even handle to be in buffalo or if i could leave all of my friends and kaleo family. but then when i got back to houston and saw all of the mexicans LAUREN!! (just kidding) no but seriously when i saw lauren i felt comforted and knew that it's just as welcoming as buffalo but it will always be my buffalo and it will always be the best city. i miss it but i keep thinking in less than 3 weeks i will be back and i will be taking lauren to my buffalo to meet my dad and the rest of my family and that makes me more excited than a lot of the things right now. (my dad has never met any of my friends and none of my friends have ever been to my buffalo before) i'm struggling so hard with making that last snap of forgiveness. i don't understand just about everything that happened in the past but i don't think i ever will. i just can't seem to let a lot of that hatred go. knowing that i have to. i'm hurting so bad right now. and when i finally heard my dad's voice the other day i just wanted to hide from everything. i wanted time to stand still. i wanted to go back in time and have everything get changed. but all i could do was let the anger build up in me and just thrive in me. i just can't seem to take one more burden or whatever you want to call it right now. it's all in God's hands. and he is so completely beyond words amazing. but i'm being hurt so much by all of this. i just want to feel that burning not in my heart but knowing that it will still be there if i do...

coming back

well it's 5:06 here in new york and i'm just finishing putting those miscellanious items back in my bags as i look out the window at my buffalo. last night i had a really good time at my uncle's house. i love my family so much so that definitely was good. my cousin and i went and watched our cousin that is a year older than us coach a softball game so that was exciting. then i got michael and i ted's hot dogs!!!!! they are the best and i'm so excited so i can't wait until tonight to give him his hot dog and eat mine!!! i love hot dogs!! be praying that our flight goes ok and that we don't get any delays this time. i just want to get this flight over with. i have community groups tonight so i'm excited about that. well i'm looking out that glass one last time and realizing that when i go back i still have even more problems that i have to deal with. be praying for me i'm definitely having a hard time.

...family

well today has been going ok so far. my aunt wasn't to bad but during the memorial service she broke down. the memorial was a beautiful service except for i didn't like the preacher guy to much (it was at a presbytarian church) he was reading a paper and you could tell he was reading directly off of it and he would mess up his words a lot and he was getting me kind of angry. but it was ok. my cousins were breaking down really bad since it was their grandfather (they are really my 3rd cousins) my cousin and i were breaking down really bad though. it was just awful. my eyes are somewhat burning right now and that's not fun. plus i got no sleep really either. after the memorial service we went to my aunt's house and had a huge lunch. it was really good. it felt really nice to see a lot of my family and get to spend some time with them. we also had some friends of the family over as well and that's was nice to see them (they were a lot of my grandma's and great grandmother's friends that have kept in touch with the family). it was really nice though. i miss them all so much. all of the time. tonight some of our family is going over to my uncle's house for dinner at 5:30 and it's 4:16 now so i'll have to leave here in about an hour. i was thinking i might make debbie's chip dip ball thing i like i'll have to call her and find out all of the ingredients though because i would never remember them. hehe me and cooking again. but i'm definitely looking forward to that tonight. i love my family. then tomorrow my flight leaves at 6 so we have to be at the airport by 5 so another early morning. hopefully i will be able to sleep on the plane. haha. i can't sleep on planes for some reason. i'm not afraid or anything i love flying. i just can't sleep on planes or cars but cars sometimes it just depends. and i'm still exhausted from last night. so i think tomorrow when i get back to houston i'll get the key from lauren and go home and sleep until she gets off of work. haha we'll see if i'm able to do all of that. i want ted's hot dogs too. they are the best hot dogs!! if you know me you know about me and hot dogs and trust me they are the best!!!!! mmm so yummy. i think i'm going to make debbie's chip dip ball thing.

behind the glass

when i saw the buffalo international airport from out the window and pulled up to gate 11 i knew i was finally back in my home. when we got to the hotel it was right around 2 new york time. once again God is so amazingly awesome. i really don't know if i'm ready to deal with everything today. it's all so scary. and what is my aunt going to look like? will she be ok? what about my cousin? i'm terrified of seeing there faces and not being able to comfort them in the right way. i hate it when i'm so far away from my family and when things like this happen. jennifer kept telling me yesterday 'em do you remember chichi (our aunt) that all she wants for us girls is to meet a guy like uncle bill because they are still in love and how she said she's just waiting for him because she wants to be there when he dies' i tell her yes but she repeats it a lot and i just don't think i'm ready to take on today. i keep praying about it but i'm a nervous reck and i just keep stressing out. i don't really know what to think or even say you know. i'm at a loss for words as i look out at my buffalo and just am happy i'm at home but i'm so terrified to go out behind that glass and that door and face reality. then on top of all of this the trip hasn't been so pleasant with me and jeff which yes it partly my fault but yesterday when i got home and said hi he was very rude since that moment every now and then in front of my mom he'll act completely different and that's how it was at my brothers party too. i hate hypocrites so much. oh i talked to my dad on saturday and he sounded completely awful. i can't stand to hear him like that. it makes me want to cry just thinking about the sound of that frightened voice of trying to let me not hear how bad he really is. and the part that sucks is i don't get to see him until my birthday. and he's not coming to 'my family' (mainly my mom's) birthday party because it would be to awkward which i can understand. i just feel like crap right now. this week has just been completely awful. i'm dreading each day worrying that the next moment is going to be some other bad news. one person can only handle so much. i've given everything back to God and it's not that i think he's taking it away or something but it just hurts. a lot. i'm starting to break down and my brother and i need to hit the buffett he wanted to go to for breakfast. so for now i'll stay behind that glass...