drowning.

today was an odd day. not sure what i'm feeling right now. i'm hurt i know that. i'm also feeling ok though. i'm confused.

why do you care so much. what's your deal. why would you sit there just to tell me every detail to get me to breathe normal again. why would you spend the time to listen to me shed those tears. why would you call until i answer. why do you want me to come. why do you want to teach and show me. why do you go further than you would ever be asked to. why are you helping me. how come i know that if i hit call you would answer. how come you want me to know things. you want me to be able to see as others do, why.

you complicate things. or maybe it's me.

but i do not understand that whatsoever. i don't understand how come you go further than you would ever be asked to.

i thank you. I THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. for showing me what this smile really is and means.

laundry needs to hurry up. i have to pack. ugh.

pictures of you i adore...

well thursday i was at work. i had 2 more things to do and then i was done. i would've been done before i had planned on so nicole and i would have had more time. well riggle and i had to talk to austin about banquets and buying clothes so we went. well she got really excited about a banquet and stepped into me. she stepped on my foot and caught herself on the line. well i fell down. a bustub of bean bowls fell (neither one of us knows which one hit them. we don't remember feeling it.) some of them broke. we could not stop laughing. so i picked up the broken pieces and put the bustub of unbroken bean bowls back and stood up. i felt as if i could not breathe and my back was tense and having sharp pains. austin sent me to the clinic to find out i pulled something in my back. told to wear a back brace and take medicine for a week. i'm supposed to go back and see him again tomorrow. i'm feeling a lot better now. well i left there and went and met up with nicole. we went and saw esteban at sito's 1. it was exciting. we decided what changes we thought they should make to improve their store. haha. then we headed to wharehouse live.

the concert was so beyond amazing. i fell in love with this band maxeen! they make me smile oh so very much. well when halifax came on and these idiots that showed up to the show late decided to start a mosh pit. they hit me right in the back. it hurt so bad. immediately after they hit me the security got up to stop it and then halifax stopped playing to say to enjoy the show but not to start that stuff. ugh. i wish it could of been before they hit me. well later when the spill canvas was playing i saw tim the lead singer of sugarcult across in the ballroom so i told nicole seeing that she's in love with him to go over there. of course she was getting to nervous so we went and i got maxeens cds. the old one and their brand new one that you can't buy in stores yet! so yay! and we met shannon from maxeen!! he's so funny. well then after we waited and she got to meet tim and take her pic with him and all. haha she's so cute. and then sugarcult came on.

it was so beyond amazing. i really like them. i'm glad she introduced me to them. it's nicoles favorite band. they are good on the cd but they are truly outstanding live. so yay! we are going to see them when they come back.

saturday i thankfully had a break and got to eat at niko niko's wtih desi. it was nice.

sunday i went to kaleo and enjoyed being next to richard and being able to worship with him. afterwards markandsarah, michaelandlauren, jessieandbecca, amy, mason, maleah, drew, tracy, CLINT, and i went to goode co. and had a wonderful lunch. then that evening i was able to spend it with my mom.

it was nice. we got pizza hut stuffed crust pizza. which i had been craving. and then i got 4 dvds from blockbuster because they were having a sale and we watched elizabethtown. it was a cute movie.

yesterday i was having a pretty ok day and then. ugh. it just stopped in a heartbeat. i didn't know how to respond to what was going on. i didn't know how to deal with what i was feeling. luckily someone was there to help. somewhat. i'm so happy that i was able to talk to them. i had a interesting dinner with my brother and sister since i won't really see them before i go to newyork.

afterwards i went and had a nice chat with amy at brazil coffee house. i never knew of this place but i really liked it there. i'm definitely looking forward to going back. yay! but anyways we had such an enjoyful conversation. i'm really glad we were able to do this. we are so much more a like than i realized. she makes me smile.

today i'm going to be very busy. right now i'm doing something that i've been wanting to do for so long but have been procrastinating. putting all of my newer cds on my ipod. what finally pushed me over the edge was my creature. haha. i love her so and can not wait to see her on saturday. yay! i miss her. ugh. but then i have so much shopping to do for new york and for riggle. i can't wait to surprise her tomorrow morning. yay. but then i also have to drop my bro and sis off at practices make it out to community groups come home load more music while i do my laundry and maybe go to the store otherwise i will finish that with my long list of things to do tomorrow as well.

thursday i go to new york.

in a couple weeks i see nick!

'pretty girl sitting next to me...'

ok here we go. well i'm amazed by how God works. totally and utterly amazed. i'm learning something that applies to me now and that i will use later in life. i'm learning what love is. real love. unconditional love. amy hartley is truly amazing. she's letting me love on her kids as if they were my own. and how i love them with all my heart. they are beyond a blessing in my life. and the fact that they are excited for me to come over and sad to see me leave literally brought a tear to my eye as i drove away tuesday. those kisses and puddle of tears sitting on my shoulder were what went through my mind constantly for the rest of the night. those tears on my shoulder made me smile when no matter how ok it was as soon as mom came it was all better. and only a mother could do that. as i see all this and as God is blessing me with being such an amazing teacher once again i can't but help and be selfish and wonder and wish that i could of had this. it hurts to know i didn't. the love that ericandamy shed about these 2 beautiful creations is all that i can wish for me to bestow upon my own childeren when God blesses me with them. later this same evening i was only blessed even more to spend the evening with a awesome couple. markandsarah. how much i care for them. i thank God every chance i can for putting them into my life. there are no words to describe what they mean to me.i saw amalie for the first time. and just as sarah said it was wonderful. i loved it. i am completely consumed by jet right now. i'm absolutely loving there new cd. the one song is repeating constantly in my head. yay! tonight God showed me his kindness once again by letting be able to spend sometime with my bestest friend and her fiance. yay! i got my hair cut and i'm pretty excited. i'm liking it. i'm so glad she was with me. it made it all the better. and i think it may have ended up helping me more wedding plans. yay. just realized i had forgotten about my laundry but we fixed that issue now. so yay. new york is literally a week away. i'm very nervous. but completely excited at the same time. a couple weeks and i see nick. i'm exstatic. this is going to be a very fun trip. i'm so happy that he's excited about it. and i finally get to actually see this city he loves so much. how awesome is that. tomorrow is the sugarcult concert with my bestfriend. i'm so excited to have a girls night out with her. we both definitely need this i know. and we get to see estaban before hand. yay. and breakfast with mi madre? probably and that makes me smile. te amo mama. so you know life's been hard. i've definitely been feeling down a lot but right now it's good. i had a very wonderful and much needed conversation tonight. there is a giant smile on my face.

nevermind.

got on here because i have a lot to say. but now that i'm here i don't feel like doing this so much. so yeah i will do this later. but let me say i love sarah. and her husband. and jet. and riggle.