la última vez.

3 weeks away from today. i hope that this is the last time. the last time to revisit those feelings that seem to swarm me beyond belief. the last time to think those thoughts that drown me. the last time i have to stare into those eyes that make me cringe. the last time he's my stepdad. the last time i talk about it while there's a broken chain link stuck to his chain. the biggest one; the last time i have to protect them.

it will be my conclusion.

missing my best friend...

i miss sarah. i can not wait until they are home. i can't wait to have our ltg together again. i can't wait to talk to her. there is so much to tell her. i need to talk to her...

unspoken words

i thought a lot last night as i drove. it's so peaceful. there has been no fights except for childish arguments between the kids; which every sibling has at their age. the kids have more respect and act correctly without words to tell them or if needed you give them a glance and they know. how ridiculous is that with in a few weeks how things can change. i've been sleeping. i have not touched that collage of red bricks with my knuckles. i've eaten just about every meal. my mom sleeps in a bed. we eat together. we do things together. we go out together. i have a family that i love and would not want to change. oh how i love that. i have not raged with anger except for twice that i heard that mouth speak words that i so wanted to scream about. i have been able to do art without having to stop and come back because it hurts to much. and so much more. all of this is only given to us by my tremendously wonderful, beyond words or imagination; God. oh how i love Him. how i love that He whispers sweet sayings in my ear to get me through that day. how all of a sudden... BAM!... He has made me realize something that my simplistic mind could never comprehend with out Him. how i love that i can say Father and immediately without hesitation 'yes, my child' that i deserve none of this but yet He gives it to me and more. i could keep sitting here thinking of this is the game and these are the rules he is going to make up as we go along to go around the board one more time until we land safely at home but yet i have one thought of what God has done and i can't seem to hold back my smile and have to praise him for all that he has done. oh i love Him. and as much as i struggle He still lets me know Him and even more than that He invites me to know Him deeper. to stand next to Him. how awesome is that? mi Señor. yo me arrodillo en pies y le alabo para darlo a mí­. y para permitirme llamarle papi y para permitirme a aún le sabe.

the leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates._dave barry

God is beyond words amazing. there is no way i can describe it or even imagine it. He is working through me right now and just giving me peace. last night was hurtful. it's been hurting for a while. but i think that i realized a lot of things. only by God could i know them. still there are so many things that i wish i could say that i can't but maybe i am not supposed to say them. here's a few quotes i found that relate to some of the things i am feeling. i guess that's what you could say.

laughter is an instant vacation._milton berle

it is within the families themselves where peace can begin._susan partnow

to learn to succeed you must first learn to fail._michael jordan

it's the friends you can call up at four am that matter._marlene dietrich

keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to._author unknown

now this is the most important one yet so you have to read it carefully :^) :

the irish gave the bagpipes to the scots as a joke, but the scots haven't got the joke yet._oliver herford

¿Dónde está mi zapato izquierdo?

the title is for bill and only bill. :) just thinking alot right now. not really knowing what to do with all these thoughts i am having and not really quite sure what they all are. i'm hurting but i feel good too. i keep trying to say something that i don't even know what it is. i keep typing and have to backspace it all because it's not right. i want a canon rebel xt. ugh. i can't seem to do this as much as i want to. i want to express things but i can't. maybe i will do art. oh yeah i think God answered my prayers today. it's not him or either it's not the right timing.

¿Dios es este él? ¿michael es correcto?

i'm falling for someone. i've known them for a very long time and we keep becoming better friends. i smile everytime i see or here his name. i've seen him quite a few more times than usual this week. i have known this person so long i did not realize i liked them until a few weeks ago. and now that i am sitting here thinking of it i was upset with one of their past relationships which i'm thinking was mainly because i was more jealous but thought us never and just thought i didn't like her. how stupid am i guys? gosh. well anyways i have been praying about this for a few weeks now and everytime i do or see this person i seem to fall even harder. this person is definitely a christian. loves God more than anything. i'm amazed how much he treasures his family and his future family. his God given talents are amazing and he uses them to glorify God in all that he does. i saw him tonight. and that momentary look into a glimpse of those beautiful brown eyes. so many pictures flashed through my mind and so many thoughts went through my head made me wonder even more. as i pray to God to seek his direction as to find out the answer 'is this him my Lord?' and all i can seem to comprehend is that he will lead me in the right way and i keep reading verses that seem to say maybe. and i fall asleep dreaming of being there with his family and relatives. and other dreams of me bearing his child with his mom feeling our child kicking. and thinking i'm not quite sure yet that i want to give birth to a child, i would like to adopt. i do not want that pain. although i wish that i would put that fear aside and experience the miracle God has for me, child birth. but the bigger question than all of these mysteries; once again, 'is it him my Lord?' is this all just me taking something to far? or worse is this what God meant to be or is it just me?

ugh...

i'm just waiting for my sister to finish her shower so we can have breakfast together before i have to go to work. since she is switching schools she does not have anywhere to go until tomorrow. i feel like crap today. i also did not feel good yesterday. my head is pounding, hurting. and my neck is so stiff and hurts and my throat is so sore. i just don't feel good. yesterday i spent almost all day in bed. wish i could do that again but today i have to work. then when i get home i'm going to lie down for awhile until i need to get up and cook ryan some food and bring it over to him after he gets home from his first day of school at 8.00 tonight. he doesn't feel good either. he's got all the same stuff i have. he doesn't know that i don't feel good so we just won't tell him. he looked so sad yesterday. he smiled for me though but you could tell exactly how he felt. feeling bad. but can't wait to see him tonight. thinking of bringing him dr. pepper.

crash...

this weekend was unstressful for the most part seeing that my aunt was in town but at the same time i wanted to pull my hair out of my head. friday i had the morning off and i was running around cleaning the house all by my little self; after i dropped the kids off at school at 8.00 and before picking them up at 2.10. i wanted to scream things kept going wrong. such as the vacuum started to smell as if it were on fire and then as i was going to turn it off a metal piece of the vacuum shot across the room from underneath it. well luckily we have another vacuum i thought after i put together the other one and i try using it well that one was not working either. so all i finished was down stairs. (we have 1 black cat, 1 very furry very shedding white cat, 1 shedding dog, and 1 very furry very shedding white dog. you can only imagine the hair.) well after i finished dusting and 'vacuuming' i decide to bring the dogs in from outside. well they like to make friends with the dog behind our fence and try and go see him. the dogs did not sit as i asked when jumping and running away as i chased them to get the mud off of their feet. it was all over my grandmother's oriental rug. ahhh. luckily i got it off. i had to finish wrapping my aunt's christmas presents (and my cousins for her to take back) there were alot. well i mopped all the floors downstairs. looked at the clock i had a 1/2 hour before i had to pick the kids up from school. ugh. i wasn't even close to being done. so i'm running around emptying all the trash cans in our house. 1 in the kitchen, 1 in the 1/2 bath, 1 in my sisters room, 1 in my other sisters room, 1 in their bathroom, 1 in the game room, 1 in the laundry room, 1 in my brothers room, 1 in my sisters room, 1 in my room, plus all the ones from cleaning my room out, 1 in my bathroom, 1 in my moms room, 1 in her bathroom. so that took a good while. i took a 7 minute shower. got most of my work uniform on went to get the kids from school. took me a little over 20 minutes to get them the lady at the desk was driving me insane. we were rushing to meet my mom so they could go to the airport to pick my aunt up well we get to my work and she wasn't there so she is rushing. she left and i went in to work. ugh. during the middle of my togo shift (meaning i am busy!!!) the host that was supposed to cover my saturday night shift so i could spend time with my aunt tells me she can't. great timing!!!! so all night from then on i was trying to get someone to cover my shift of course no one could. at least i got out of there on time at 10.00pm. i picked up arby's on my way home i ate nothing until now. get home and my aunt was in the shower so i ate my food and got changed and then we spent the next 3 hours up talking and exchanging christmas gifts. it was nice but i was exhausted at the end and passed out. saturday we went to le peep for breakfast it was nice but there was arguments at the house. ugh. just want it to stop. afterwards we went to katy mills mall for my sister to exchange a coat she got the didn't fit her. then we went shopping for a little bit. then we went home i rushed to get dressed and go to work. barely seeing my aunt again. the night was horrible. i only had one good host. so of course she took my names. well we had so many large reservations and we had large walk-ins like crazy and then we had a walk in 25 that wanted there table in 20 minutes. there was no way we quoted 1 1/2 hour and i got them sat in 59 minutes. i ended up getting my own table checks i was seating quests because on top of only having 1 good host i only had 2 others. ahhh. well at 9.37 we are still on a wait my family comes in got them sat in 10 minutes. got off the wait at 9.59 a host switched with me for her to get out at 10.30 and i to get out at 10.00 i rapidly did my clean ups switched my shirt and sat down at 10.04. thank God. we ate went home and went to bed. sunday i went to Kaleo. afterwards lauren and i went to her house got her stuff ready and she took a quick shower and we left. on the way to my house we picked up panera bread!! i love there sandwich there that has the chipotle mayonnaise (sarah!!) when we got home we ate then i took a quick shower and lauren painted the just married sign for markandsarah since michael is well yeah he's michael. then i dried and straightened my hair. and then we did our make up. of course lauren helped me because the person i like was going to be at markandsarah's wedding. then we took a while to get in our dresses because i do not know how to be a girl. well then my lovely best friend decides to teach more about being a girl and has me tie her corset up. haha. that was interesting and then she had to help me with my dress where i felt i was fat and having other problems. which was even worse because it was my best friends wedding and i wanted to look good for her. we rushed over there. and it was beautiful. sarah was stunning. it was more amazing that i dreamed of. she's so beautiful. and mark just waiting was killing him. hehe. he was so excited. it was beautiful. richard was a penguin and it made me laugh very hard. mr. stidhum and i had a moment and that was nice for both of us. the words that we shared will stay between us always and i'm not quite sure if they will ever be told but i know it comforted both of us and if sarah knew i know she would smile and maybe have a few tears just like the ones mr.stidhum and i shared. i love him. sunday was great. monday was nice as well we just enjoyed sitting around the house with each other and then we stopped by my sisters work so my aunt could see where she works and to say goodbye. then we went to the foodcourt and memorial city mall since it was right there to eat. i had chic-fil-a. yay. then we started our long journey to the airport. mom dropped mimi and i off at the door to get her checked in while they parked. everything went well except that she would be having a 1/2 hour delay from charlotte to my buffalo, new york. which was fine. then we met up with everyone stayed with her for a while and then said our pleasant goodbyes. i can't wait until febuary when she is back (the week we go back...) then we headed home. got a couple things and headed towards the grayshon's. picked up a cookie cake for the birthday boys. and picked out very funny cards. billandshannon came so that was nice. afterwards we watched a few episodes of that show 24 the billandshannon and susie and matthew are hooked on. it was good. but we watched from the middle of the season so we understood for the most part but i think it would have been better if we saw from the beginning. today i woke up to a call from my aunt and 7.30 (she forgot they are ahead of us) to let me know that she got in ok. i ate breakfast. went to my room and laid on my bed until i fell asleep and here i am. i can't wait until tonight for community groups. there are plenty of things i look forward to there...

emociones que son indescriptibles.

they have become my world. he could make me smile even while he knows that i'm so angry because of something he knows he did wrong but he wants us to be happy. you can just tell that he knows what he did is wrong and that he is sorry but he just doesn't say it. he's like me he would rather make you smile and get it over with. how amazing is he. and she. oh my do i love her. she's improving everyday. she knows more than i would every guess. knowing what was being said didn't really hit me until i heard it myself. oh how i was screaming inside and i just saw myself hitting the large white pole that had started to form rust since when he yelled at me things i wish i had never heard. memories are coming back even more. just remember santiago yelling at me that it was ok and i didn't have to worry about it anymore and he was there now so to stop worrying about it. wishing that it were true and that he might have been able to stop my hurting which i knew in my heart that it would never be true but i went along for the ride. the ride of my childhood fantasy that it would all end. that was the one and only time i ever saw him cry. what made him stop caring? if i had to redo that part in my life i would have said no. no to it all. but what made him stop? donny. donny is the reason i never went back to that pole. and the reason i can't drive by it today. i've only gone there once since then and it was with santiago. and how i wish i never went. donny stood up for me. the only one that ever told me the truth. and how he still cares. seeing that smile on his face a week ago. telling me that he will always love me and he is proud of what i am becoming. oh how that was not a regret. deseo que pueda tener todavía eso. antes que es una memoria. i've gotten so caught up in memories of everything through out this. can't tell if it is good or bad yet. but all i can say is that i am glad i have the time to think.

to an artist who i need to talk to...

wishing the words would flow out and form what i so long to say and express. don't think that i will have the words until i can solve more of the emotions that i feel. am i really hurting for them or is that i have to go through it all again. i'm not afraid to say anything. i'm more ecstatic than anything. really. i feel as though it is wrong. which it very well may be. but i also feel that it is ok after all of this. mr. magnetic poetry- he estado pensando en londres mucho. más que probable yo no iré dondequierara. sólo desear yo era capaz a, supongo. but that would just be another escape. which i cannot keep doing. so i'm this will all end soon so that i can go and ejoy it and not have to worry about this crap. we need to talk.

i want to cry

wondering what to do now. i'm having such a hard day. should i really be having this much time to myself to think. will it really help me or will it make me lose it even more. ugh.

i also don't want to work tonight.

¿quiere usted escaparse conmigo? if you do please let me know...