making it quick.

a full on update soon to come. but i had to share before i laid my head. i am still completely stoked about keith's show tonight. i had a blast. he's truly amazing. just wanted to say how much i loved it, him, and his band.

off to sleep...

something calming

lunch.

panera bread.

booth.

water and sweet tea separated.

looking into those eyes.

courage beyond all i've ever had.

the sad part. did i enjoy it? yo no se. no hoy. yo no lo permitiría bajarme.

it's a step. i will never allow to be close again.

3 run jack.

we won last night 20-5. we had 5 girls. more than we've ever had to start off the season. and they are good. i'm excited. except i'm ruining more than my shoulder now. i feel it in quite a few places. i'm told to stop but i just can't. as much pain it bring it feels better than anything else right now. that and the moment i click the button and the shutter snaps. those two things could get me by any day. as long as i have a song in my head.

i here with a smile on my face. it's nice. thinking about what to cook for community group tonight. i want it to actually be something i cooked. but then again i almost don't care.

about 6 months left. not sure i'm ready for that challenge. possibly after lauren's wedding i'll go for a little while. would be nice to have someone there with me. not sure if that will be possible though. i will wish until i know.

up and down and up and down and...

so yesterday was beyond a great day... until the end.

it started by going to the gathering. jake did the message rather than bill. that was our surprise and it was nice. a little long do to the repetition. but i enjoyed it very much. there were points that i needed to hear. all so soft spoken but so hard if you really hear them. then christy and i sang and danced as we waited to go to skeeters. which was very much enjoyable. (yes i said that. it's not correct english. but i don't care cause that's exactly what it was) while there i was waiting on a phone call from tracey to let me know what time she would be able to come out and play and i turned around and there she was to surprise me! YAY!! i love her. that made my day right there. i had not seen tracey since tuesday. and for any of you that know us that's quite some time. and we normally talk every day as well. well we did just about but our conversations were not as long as normal so i still have so much to catch up with her about. i missed her this week and was very glad to see her! then we came back to my house to watch the end of the astros game. the tracey, christy, and i did our ltg. was very nice. God has definitely blessed us with each other. and i'm very happy that i have these two amazing girls in my life. that not only can we have fun and talk but that we can share our lives with another. after this we were off to see in the land of women. was not what we were expecting at all. the movie definitely pulled you in at parts, made you feel things, but it was all mixed up, then it just ended. so yeah... after this we went to eat at red robin. was nice. we had not eaten there in a while. after this christy came over here to watch the yankees with me. i gave up in the 8th inning. i cried. we got swept in the series. please don't make jokes yet i'm very upset still.

but the part that absolutely made my day yesterday was that matthew hit a home run!!!! YAY!!!! he's been so close but has yet to do it until yesterday. i'm so proud of him. it was in left center. and it was so far that it almost went on hammerly. (for those of you who don't know the field... it was FAR!) i'm so happy.

today will be a good day as well. i'll make it one. nothing will bring me down.

not sure what to do. i don't want to have to see the doctor. maybe i should go as well. it may help her as well. i just can't handle how i've been feeling lately. not even sure how i'll get the energy for my own game tonight. pray that i do. and that we do well. on top of my energy my shoulders are killing me and my right elbow. i think i'm only making things worse. i know i am actually. but i can't stop playing. it's an addiction.

what do i think of that text. that's not the conversations that we've had. where is this supposed to go. what happened there. is something going on that i'm not being told. if so why not. maybe... nevermind.

i want my creature.

i want my daddy.

i have to stop the tears are coming. and i have to hold them in.

just today.

today was a better day. still very upset. but better. i'm completely drained from all energy due to the past few days but i'll some how get some. i need it to finish off my day. and by that i mean i still have half of matt's game to watch (i can't stay to finish because it's a busy day), then stop at the store before going over to the retzloff's to do some wedding stuff for my bestest friend, then to have an amazing ltg (or as richard's like to think std group) with tracey!, then home (possibly to watch a movie with susie depending on how awake we are)

i want to capture a girl swirling in a summer dress. if you would like to be this girl let me know please. i have one in mind but not sure she'll do it.

pray for the yankees to win today. i need them to.

have a lot on my mind but not sure i'm ready to let it all out.

going to finish a movie i started.

the topping.

to end my horrible night. the yankees lost. don't even make a joke please. i can't handle this after today.

it ends here.

my heart has skipped a beat. did that really just happen. i can't believe what was done. what type of lies were to be told. and that fact that 'nothing' was going on the past few days. i can't stand it. not only am i having words stuffed into me but now they are going in the way that is known to hurt me the most. as upset as i am i will not let it hurt me this time. the game is still being played on one side but what don't you get when i said that's it. no more. all that i've heard is now believed. that i am the more mature. i wanted so badly not to believe that. but it was all just proven to be true. i don't get it. i took one of the largest and hardest steps and you have to trash that too. i'm giving it my all. why won't you. when i said that that's it. i meant it. you said it too. you said no more of this. but kept it going. i thought you may have stopped. but all lessons have been learned in that past and i was giving it one more shot from afar but now i know that it was a mistake on my behalf once again. i hope you learn things quickly. or even at all.

and yes it obviously does function at a whole until someone breaks the cycle.

i am. i will.

held. broken. hurting.

i'm here to write. just to let it all out. all of this is going on and i can't take it. there is so much love there that i want to be there as well. but then i have to remember what would happen in a heartbeat if something changed. it just hurts to know all this. i won't be there for a long time. it's hard. i have a lot of great people supporting. i've sadly cried near to almost every day. i don't cry. ugh. then there's all this other stuff. what was said? is it a repeat of the past. i pray that it won't be. and how do you say i'm immature. i don't need to be looked out for. i've done that for myself and a family for way to long that i don't need help now. that really hurts to hear all this. that's not what should be said at all. i haven't said anything now for about 2 weeks. but i can't handle it anymore. every time there's a discussion these thoughts are going through my head. do you not remember what happened almost 2 years ago. i've never told anything. i never will. but it hurts to know that this may be stopped by words from someone who should be fully supportive. if you had talked to me like you should be you would then know that they are being more helpful to me than anyone right now. and if you really wanted to look out for me you would allow this all. i won't let anyone do to me what was already done. don't you get that. you know how i stand with that all and that i will not take anything. i was there for you when all was going on there. i had to point things out to you! but suddenly i'm the one who needs help. well i'm sorry but if i wanted that i would ask. i asked you to do something different. and suddenly i've become young when 2 years ago there was no separation. i just don't get it. i've given this my all for it to almost be turned on me. it's becoming repetitive. my shoulder has been driving me insane. it's spreading. but i can't say anything. and no none of you will understand. i know what you will all say. and i know. but i can't. so please just leave it be. if i'm ok to handle it then let me. where have you gone. why does it all of a sudden just stop. i said no. i'm sorry. but i need you. i need your words now. as much as my heart has been hurt i'm feeling better than i have in such a long time. the stress may be there still but it's not as intense and that's what i need.

softball practice tonight...

no tears today.