'should i start this off with a question?'
there is beyond enough going on right now that i can hardly contain myself. this post will probably end up being all over the place. emotionally, thoughts, chronilogically, everything. it's ruff for me to do. but for those of you that read it i'm sure that you are probably the person if i want to read it. so please read all the way through. if you don't make it through that's ok too. ajglkh. yes. that's it.
i'm so beyond blessed with the amazing friends God has provided me with. there is nothing else that i could ask for. it brings a smile to my face everytime i see them. i'm trusting God with as much that i can. i can honestly but shamefully say that i'm not giving Him my all right now. and that hurts. i'm trying to but i keep seeming to fail. i would love to be able to with no matter what i do have the first thought be God. and i know it will take time to get there but i'm struggling all together. this is so very hard for me to admit to. He's there no matter what guiding me and all i can sit here and do is slap Him in the face and mock Him. how hard is that to take in that fact that we all do it no matter how hard we try. i feel like crap.
markandsarah are truly outstandingly amazing. they are truly an influence to me. there marriage is beyond amazing. that relationship makes me smile the biggest smile i could. i truly look up to them and strive to have a relationship just like that. they are one of the biggest most amazing thing in my life right now. i may not see them as much as i would like but everytime i do i feel as if i see them everyday. nothing hidden. God has touched me with sarah and i can not thank Him enough. sarah thank-you for everything. you do so much for me and i never even speak. i'm sorry that it hurts at times to see it. i'm trying with all my heart to complete this revolving door cycle of everything. thank-you for being by my side as i do it. i hopefully can talk soon. i'm working so hard on that door. i regret everything that happened. although yes i know it is not my fault i regret it somehow. i'm hurting and breaking and i just can't say how much you mean to me. and your outstanding husband, thank-you mark. from the beginning of our relationship. i remember the first time i honestly connected with you was at the stregers on there couch and i cried in your arms. thank-you from then until now. i once again want to thank-you for all that you are trying to help me do.
work is beyond crazy. i'm so honored to have the job that i do and be able to do what i do. i'm so exstatic that austin finally said bar seminar saturday here you go. i will finally officially be trained to wait tables. a little over a year now. now i will not get in trouble when they come in and see me. i will be able to do some things i have been dieng to do. i can't wait. i know what the first shall be...
i'm just dreading the hours for 9 shifts this week and next week as well. it's going to be hard working those 3 doubles and only having one day off but here i go...
nicole is another friendship God has blessed me with. she is alot of what i need right now. i hope that i can do the same. from what she says i feel it is. i don't know if i even have the words to express everything that i feel towards this except that thinking of it makes me exstatic. i love her so very much! thank-you for all that you have done for me. listening to me talk about nothing for however long i will go for. even when it's about dooshbag bomb dropper:) i hope that makes you smile. for telling me whatever and not hindering to do so. for just being you and making me smile, calm me down, make me excited, whatever else. the only thing i can wish is that God do more here.
ink. i'm beyond excited about my tattoo. i want more. THANK-YOU BESTEST FRIEND! that was the best birthday present i ever got. and i got it when i really needed it. i needed those smiles, laughs, and conversations. thank-you for holding my hand and squeezing it so i didn't have to. you are truly my other half.
that's all that is needed to say there. you know the rest of what i'm thinking. because that's how freaking awesome you are!
i want to show my photography. so here is some. (may end up being more than i plan...)
you know even though so much is going on with my papi and all. i'm really comforted by it all. and i know that that is God and God alone. nothing else in the world could make me feel the way i do. there is no other explanation. i don't know if that means it won't happy as soon or what but what i do know is that i'm ok with everything. yes it is hard and yes i've definitely shed some tears over it but i'm ok.
i'm liking bobby hilll very much. i'm so excited about this new friendship we are developing. it's so awesome. God you are so tremendously amazing! thank-you.
kaleo makes me smile. i definitely enjoy every second of that place. it's so amazing and what God is doing there, there are no words to explain. i wish i could but i can not.
i'm wanting to go shoot some photos. i'm wanting to get to painting ryan's shirt. i'm wanting to go to kemah. i'm wanting to go to the art gallery and wandering around aimlessly. i'm wanting to go to galveston. i'm becoming to nervous and excited about going to ny. i'm freaking out but am becoming very impatient to go to new orleans with ryan and see nick. it'll be hard. i am becoming hyped about what i am planning to do for 2 amazing people.
lastly.
this is intended as a letter. all may read though.
ryan.
you amaze with everything that you do. as i sit here and type all i do is smile and want to cry. not just because of you. and nothing that you have done. because i know how much God has blessed the two of us. because i know no matter what i say and no matter how many jokes you make that you and i are both feeling the same thing. that i know i ruv u and you ruv me too :) because i know what an amazingly tremendous guy you are and that when God and you are ready you will be blessed with someone amazing. that it will be everything that you have prayed for, everything you hoped for. you will have such and amazing relationship with whomever God has set aside for YOU and ONLY YOU!!!! that i can not wait to see. i want to thank-you for all those late nights. no not for that. for listening to me. for caring. for showing me what you think of me. i'm sorry i don't always make it easy and take it and say thank-you but i try. it just hurts. because of all of my past. i am so sorry. i love you with all of my heart. i know you know all of this. but i need to put it into words for you. i thank-you for putting up with me and all of my terrible stories, things that annoy me, things i do to annoy you (because i said so...), standing by me through everything, for telling me that i'm beautiful, for supporting this relationship that i feel is right, for being strong when i can't resist (even though i allow you to not be..), for playing your guitar for me, for going with me to get my tattoo (both times, and for wearing that shirt!), for driving me when i needed to get away, for driving when i couldn't, for putting up with my indecisiveness, for dealing with the fact that i just didn't want to take a picture there, for being my model, for looking at me with that thought in your eye, for dealing with me at work, for taking care of me when i feel that everything is falling through my fingers, for making me smile NO MATTER what is wrong!, for not answering that call when i'm there, for not touching me with your feet, for letting me tickle you when i just can't resist, for coming over to my house, for avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable, for going to eat with me at places that you don't like, for giving me your cd, for that weird thing you like to do with my beltloops (it makes me laugh; although it is so awkward), for listening to me ramble about whatever (like black vodka), for being so honest, for waiting for the beatles booth, for sitting in the beatles booth before i got there :), for not making our phone calls so uncomfortable, for walking me to my car, for all the other little things you do, for being so cute, for being so very honest, for being or doing whatever i need you to do. you are the best friend anyone could ever have and you are mine and i thank you for that. thank-you for trying to learn city love and it's ok that it's not possible i still ruv you :) everyday i think of you and i smile and pray and thank God that He gave me you and that i know no matter what you will still be there for me at the end of the day. thank-you for telling me whatever you feel like, telling me everything that happened in your day. for just sharing EVERYTHING with me. i'm dieng for the next time i see you already and it's only been a few hours. maybe you will call at 2.22 or maybe i will be with you at 2.22 that would be even better!! i ruv you so very much and could not ask for anything else. i really honestly love you ryan.
you made my day today also; by the way...
p.s. i don't care if there are spelling errors. you'll have to get over it this time.
