how?

i’ve let it happen.
i’ve let them have the same spell over me as he did.
i’ve let them control me as he did.

and still does.

ugh.
that hurts.

the painful question.

will that name, that voice, those eyes, that movement, that truck, that place, those places, that silhouette. will they always haunt me...

one crazy week...

time for an update…
well lets see… pretty much it’s all going to start with tracey and i… to all of you that this irritates i don’t care!! at all. they may come off as rude and i’m sorry but i’m tired of getting dirty looks and hearing people complain. we can hang out all the time if we want. it’ll be ok. so anyways here we go.
i’ll just start from the beginning of this week. on sunday ryan had just gotten to my house so we could watch a movie together. hadn’t done so in a long time. well my mom called. she just took my sister to the er. she had an infection and allergic reaction. she ended up staying until thursday. but back to sunday. so tracey came over in the middle of me putting make up and styling ryan’s hair. it was definitely a blast. i ruv him. then we ate dinner and talked to lance! tracey went home so ryan and i watched another movie. it was great fun… monday i just went to work waited tables came home and got changed and then went to the hospital… stayed there all day tuesday until i went home to get ready to go out with tracey and ryan. we definitely went out for national pancake day (2nd annual) and then went to walmart while talking to lance. then we went to brazil… so much fun. wednesday i went to work then to community group. was nice. then i went to the hospital. thursday i went to work came home for a while. then tracey came over we went to hobby lobby to get supplies then off to wing stop. then we came home to watch what a girl wants while talking to lance while painting t-shirts! oh so much fun. friday. i was very lazy to start off with. i took a shower and shaved. then jen and i went to the mall for a little while. came home straightened my hair and put make up on. then went to meet tracey for one of the greatest nights ever! we are now aeros fans and will next year be season ticket holders. we got to see the kenny!!! it was great. but remember it is much easier to find the dog. oh it was so much fun. i can’t wait until march 10th. we’ll be at the aeros game if any of you would like to join us. not really sure who reads this except for a couple of people. anyways. saturday. went to work. then to tmobile to yell at them. then had lunch with michaelandlauren. twas fun. then i went to take photos at the park. yay. then tracey her mom and i went to see music and lyrics. this may have topped off liar liar… so hard to say that. then we went back to their place and tracey got ready for us to go out. we went to the galleria. saw becca. got makeup. ate sbarros. walked around the mall. saw becca. went to 59 diner to meet nicole and ryan and have horrible service. then today. went to kaleo after getting all done up… then off to lunch at brown bag deli. then tracey and i made dinner for the goulds dropped it off and here i am.

thoughts. they aggravate me. i’m so tired of thinking. it never helps me. ugh. maybe i should learn to stop…

bill’s message today was beyond amazing. i love what God shows me through him. it’s definitely guiding me with some huge things. not quite ready to share to much about it yet though.

i’m just really frustrated and fed up with so much right now. i’m tired of feeling this. i’m tired of being hurt…

a soft melody.

thoughts consume me...

my heart beating to a rhythm of something unknown. unseen. unheard.

i'm captured.

to hear those words. to know something that's been unsaid. meant the world to me. just a soft sweet spoken prayer. thank you so very much.

to hear the laughter. to see the smile. to see the excitement. the joy. the energy. makes this day worth while. i smiled with a tear in my eye that was never released.

my God. You are so beyond tremendous in every which way. to give me a day of joy. as if i deserved it. as if that one moment were not enough. You strike me with amazement every day. to have a love for me. that's beyond what any one could ever give. but yet there You are every day with open arms pulling me in. how shall i stand in front of You. just looking back at that moment that You let me capture. that i will now have forever. it just reflects You. all the small things even point back to You. those things that we take for granted. for what reason that You allow us to i will never comprehend. i thank You for this very moment. the moments of the past and the moments that are to come. when will i be able to move on. please lead me to be able to. get me through this i pray. i just want to be through with it. why am i not. what left is there for me here. i'm still growing yes. i'm ok with that. as if i have a choice about the rest. but i would like to not have to deal with certain things anymore. please help me stay calm this minute and the next. i'm struggling. been a lot lately. i'm tired of hurting. i just need You to breathe through me right now.

it's as if that needle were in me shooting me with the vaccine: pain

what to do when your life seems to pretty much mean nothing to you any more. not that i don't want to live life. i'm just over whelmed. i'm fed up with the things that are going on. not sure how much more of this crazy life i can take. and here i am sitting here pondering over it because there is nothing else to do. it's a waiting game in this thing they call life. something happens. please wait. makes me think of please enjoy the music while your party is reached. how can i enjoy the music when i know that it's not good at this moment. even if the outcome may be good. there is no telling. there's faith. which i have. but i can't be happy. i just want that one person who is on my mind to be here and to hold me. to teach me this part of life that i don't know how to live. i'm struggling with so many things right now. what do you call this that i'm feeling. from my opening sentence some people may think suicidal which is not true. i would never do that no matter what. there is always a way out without that. but it's just what do you do when you get to this point that you think you can't be that person you've been all these years. you can't stand their with a smile and open arms telling them it will be ok i promise if not i will fix it myself. you can't look into their eyes and see their pain anymore because you are afraid of them finally seeing through your eyes and seeing your own. or that they may see that you are just as afraid as they are and have always been. as much as i hate that man i almost wish he were still here because i had no fears when he was around. nothing could stop me. nothing could bring me down. as much as i allowed him to get to me i could still take the challenge. nothing in the world stopped me from doing what i wanted to do. no fears. now i have all of these fears. i feel like i'm 7 all over again. maybe that's right feeling wise i am that's where it stopped why not pick back up there. whatever i can't take this. nor can i take myself being like this.

to the one who is on my mind. you may not know but i hope you figure it out. please help me help myself.

this made my day!

daughter. you're everything wonderful unique and dear. and you get more incredible, year after year! you are so special and i love you so much. i think of you all the time. i keep thinking back to when you were just a baby and i would have to walk you in my arms forever. to stop you from crying. you did not like to go to bed, i always really enjoyed it. you were and are a very special girl. all my love, dad.

cuando cuando cuando

i want someone who will be there to wipe away the tears...

what do you do when the tears don't stop?

to the one that holds the key...

just going to write this no corrections. rough draft.

just one shot.

as said.

please look openly.

here i just sit. having something. have had it for a very long time. not able to give. there is more than what the surface shows though.

those eyes that i so long to see. they make me weak. they either make my heart race or stop. i try to play what you feel i am. mysterious. please look deeper... after you get past the hurt you see there will be this part of me that no one has ever been able to see. you and 3 others are the only ones who have touched it. and even then i've barely let them see that. my lauren. mi papi. nicole.

i know i'm what stops you. but that's all i've known how to do. please help me let you get there.

i want so badly to tell you all that i hold to myself.

that sweet song you whisper in my ear. i hurt you (well i feel as if so...) by saying whatever. not so much to think about it because it's become a habit. but here in this place i'm swooning. i'm overjoyed. i want to say so much back but feel it's not right.

you say maybe later.

i say no.

but truthful i'm to afraid to go there.

the day i said there's another guy. it was a lie. it was to stop before...

before what i don't know. that's as close as i've ever gotten. i don't know what comes next. you're the most i've ever had.

i want to stop hiding.

i want to stop hurting.

i want you to see what i'm thinking.

i said you would fall asleep. you said there's something more. isn't there always?

i'm afraid that you are to close. that i'll let you come to this place and that in the end i will be hurt. i trust you so much that i want to put that aside. but you know how the beatings have gone and i'm struggling with differentiating amongst the two.

my jokes. i'm sarcastic. a jerk.

i want so badly the way when it's just us for that to be the way it always is. jokes. but fun. a smile.

i'm getting dizzy.

my heart has been shattered. and shattered even more. time and time again. from so many things. the things you say to me, what you let me hear, what you let me see has only helped me start to figure out who to put it back together.

i only want more of our conversations.

so much to say. i need to let you see this before i never do. i wrote this about a month or two ago. do with my words as you please...

the beating (again)

there you were

you knew me and i knew you so well

catching a glimpse of you

your eyes are captivating me

i hold my gaze there as if it were the last time

you try to see through

see my thoughts

well here they are

your heart, a melody

your whisper in my ear, a sweet song

your eyes, a story

my head on your shoulders

i never want to leave

we say we don't belong

is that right

or is it a fear

should we take this risk

your hand scrapes mine

the butterflies come

my heart is racing

there is no rhyme or reason to the way it's written. that's the way i wrote it out on paper. a thought per line.

it seems so stupid now but the thoughts and memories in my head are what's behind those words.

i hope you take those words the right way.

i hope you even take the time to read all this that i'm writing.

i'm wiping my cheek to get rid of the wetness.

i'm shaking.

wishing i could have more of an instance response. yet so afraid.

hoping that i will even get one.

there is so much going on right now. i want you to be the one i share my words with about it.

i want you to see my work.

i want you to be apart of it.

there is a part of me that is aggravated. not from the 'conversation' just had. more from the actions. i've done it to. but it's hurting either way.

i wish so badly we could talk...

esperarle entiende...

i'm still looking for most of the words.

finding it hard.

but knowing they will come.

i'm a little thrown back.

but still smiling.

i'll post later.

mainly for one person...

started off my other cool half. now aparently, according to others, my other half. half of me. whatever. which is pretty much accurate. but not the same person! the laughs are continuos. the smiles are constant. the joy is every second! the adventure seems to always be going. something new. it's great. i'm definitely loving it. from john tucker must die to party of 15 to just us to bon appettite to sharing our own place. 'i'm not quite so sure that's a good idea. the two of you getting a place together. you just bounce off of each other. you have to watch out for you two. i may have to seperate you both.' yeah that's definitely us. it's great it makes me smile. tomorrow we're spending the day together and that makes me smile. the only time we'll have a break from each other is while she works... that's so crazy. but it doesn't grow old. but please do remember that traceyandemily have spaces, tracey and emily, we still are two people. and the most important part of it all.
i’m trusting her.

going around...

when will this revolving door of life stop hurting me? i'm ready to give up at so many things at this moment. it hurts to say much less admit. but all that i see right now is what happened last time i listened to shakira's hips don't lie... and that was no good...