just the spinning...

the problem is being transferred.
finally.

am i being to forward.
why?
i'm never this forward.
i need to be more mysterious.
yet i seem to be...
how so?
i don't see it.
30 more minutes.
wow.
it's not like me.
at all.

ayudame por favor.

giro por un alambre con ningún acceso.
la pared...
está allí mas giro.

this chain around my neck.
with a pendant to represent those times.
is there still any resemblance.


buzz, buzz, buzz.
is it really known.
or has the secret been told.

amelia bedelia did exactly as the list told.


oh i need to decide on my dinner for sunday.
my creature and her family are finally arriving tomorrow evening at midnight. (yes i know not really tomorrow evening then) i'm beyond excited. lots of plans. lot of laughter that is much more than needed. it's driving me crazy waiting. well as well as other things... anywho, sunday i am using my lovely culinary skills to make this very large meal for mi familia, creautres family, the potts, and the terry. i'm very excited... yet i haven't finished planning on what i will be making. uh-oh. so tonight i need to do that. crap as well as i need to go listen to that shutter. any ideas?
to smell the burning wax.
and no not candle wax.

i need to be away.

the coldest yet

yes i know.
i've been slacking.
it's been sometime since i've updated. so here we are. here's what's happening.
here is the inside to me.
as much for comfort.
the one and only fear is back. the one that brings the 'fears' people say i have. it's tormenting me. it has come as soon as i was in the process of checking the last clip to make sure it was all secure and starting to climb this mountain of a journey. then there was that one pebble that somehow seemed to go unnoticed yet all it wanted to do was to warn about the avalanche that was about to come. i'm not quite sure what it is. maybe i may not speak it properly but all i want is to leave me be. stop torturing me.i finally was able to get the knife out and start healing and then all of a sudden from behind it's there at my neck again. waiting to seep into this plaster skin of mine. just stay away. i will go down dying in this fight before i allow it to come back. i didn't allow it then what makes you think i would now. when i said it's through and it ended, did that mean nothing? do you think this is a game. AH! your voice is enough. it's a bullet in me every time i hear it. ugh forget this.

this infatuation has become more.
what more is i don't know.
where it will go i don't know.
it's a great feeling.
except the past few days.
but maybe my dirty little secret was right.
maybe it is good.
two more days.
what does all this mean?
why is it the situation tends to be the same... maybe a little more each time. yet the result keeps staying the same.
ugh.
just need to keep praying.
maybe i thought more than i heard.

it's freezing right now.
i'm shivering almost.
i don't get this cold.
oh well.

broken.
empty.
stolen.
thankful.
hurt.
joyful.
pounding.
calming.
new shoes.
lets get down and dirty baby.
i keep calling you to see if you're sleeping.
and if you're sleeping are you dreaming.
and if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me?
i can't believe...

meeting with myself.

i toast to those who have more strength than i.
did i really admit that.
been lost and consumed with thoughts.
life is hectic.
unspoken words with hands that move off beat.
i hate it.
stop.
i'm ready to disappear.
where will the day lead.
shuffle my feet to beat on the city street.
in 1973.
how if he were a rich man.
chapped lips.
jones cream soda.
by the can.
vernors.
creatures.
three-thousand miles apart.
make this all make sense.
make me stand in astonishment once again.
my eyes are wandering.
my thoughts are broken pieces.
my heart is burning.
stuck.
with a broken body.
i feel nothing.
i feel every little ounce of the pull.
no i'm not contradicting myself.
only if you knew.
only if you understood what this all meant.
only if i knew what this all meant.

the worst day of rememberence...

so much to write about not sure where to start.
9.11 i suppose.
been pretty upset all week about it. haven't quite figured out the words to say about it. still haven't. but here we go.
have i told you how arrogant, close-minded, two-faced, stuck up, a-holes people are. well if not let me tell you. they are! i am still in complete and utter shock of what i heard this year on the 11th of september about what happened six years ago.
let me remind you of every ones reaction six years ago. 'that's not possible. that's an awful joke... (many shocked faces as they stared in disbelief at the television and what it portrayed. then the tears) i can't believe this... (lots of prayers, people showing up at churches all over the country)'
a few months later the war broke out. reactions. 'finally. someone needed to do something. they are going to get what they deserve. etc.'
6 years later.
reactions...
'stupid bush needs to pull us out of there and bring all the soldiers home. thankfully he's almost out of office'
'all that's happening is more and more get killed and nothing else' (excuse me but get your snobby nose out of the effing news for one minute and take in the smell of all that has been done over there)
'new yorkers just need to get over it and stop being scared of the world' (this is the one that has pissed me off the most. well let me go and fly a hijacked plane into the middle of houston... oh wait it still wouldn't do as much damage that was done six years ago. family, friends, coworkers, long lost friends, lovers, schoolmates, strangers , were killed in an instant if not after suffering one of the longest excruciating deaths that you could. some took days to finally die. all of them were someones son or daughter, someones mom or dad, someones brother or sister, someones wife or husband, someones boyfriend or girlfriend, someones grandmother or grandfather, someones granddaughter or grandson, someones niece or nephew, someones uncle or aunt, someones cousin, someones... how the hell are you going to say get over it. i really think that it's time to have everyone sit down and watch the tape play of what happened six years ago. the day america stopped. you obviously don't quite remember. and on that as well i would like you to let your husband or wife, daughter or son, or whomever they may be go through a cloud of dust filled with a building that had been standing for 31 years, pieces of a hijacked plane, and dismembered body parts while carrying some of the heaviest equipment just to try not even knowing if it would be accomplished to save another's live but in the mean time giving up your own.
ugh i can't stand people.
i can't do anymore of this.

my eyes are shutting.

i have to make a decision by tomorrow. not to sure what to do. my answer will probably be to let go. either way. it sucks having the risk of a friendship. especially when you are the one to make the decision. ugh.
tonight i went to this thing for mr. tony. it was landmark forum stuff. it was pretty cool. i really would be interested in doing it but it's 100$ deposit and then an additional 300$ and then if you go to more seminars 110$. just amounts to a lot of money that i could use on so many other things right now. i really liked it. kevin bass was a pretty cool guy. he made me smile.
'you're damn right everything is going smooth'
ugh.
so arod is 0 for 20. i prayed for him to 'bad' just so he wouldn't hit his 500 with out me being there to see but this is just flat out ridiculous. who said he was allowed to suck.
i get to go home to new york in 9 days. i can't wait. i miss it so much. i miss everyone. houston is ok. but new york is where i belong.
i'm exhausted. go to end this. sorry but just been a long week and tomorrow is a rough day.

words.

who is this creature you speak of?
just follow your instinct.
i feel the same. i could not lose this friendship.
you'll be there right?
can we talk tomorrow?
again.
i miss you.
i'm so proud of you.
well someone's got to break it.
it's okay it's the cold hard truth.
it has to be told that way.
i told you she was going to die.
you're killing me smalls.
because her boyfriend made her.
i just want to go home.
a top hat?
you're always cold.
having a rough day?
where's your shirt?
thank-you.
at least we can't lose today.
i want candy.

i'm.

i'm stressed. i'm tired. i'm confused. i'm upset. i'm happy. i'm calm. i'm worried. i'm afraid. i'm stirred. i'm struck. i'm proud. i'm doing everything except for sleeping. the one thing i should be doing.

in pain.

it's been a while.
the yankees won tonight.
my body is tense even though that was my hope tonight was to not be. maybe because i've been so tense lately. maybe it is just time to have that surgery. to stop worrying about everything else.
i'm going home with my mom, and my siblings august 10-17. i will be back for my birthday but will still be able to celebrate with my creature. it's our 20th. even though she will have been it for 5 months. it's still our tradition that we plan on keeping.
been to a lot of astros games this year. it's a little different. as i sit and watch them while richard is dosing off and on. suz and matthew are at the game in club level ll i think it's 223 or 224 or something. the phillies right fielder today jumped completely in the air so much that he was sideways to catch a foul ball and landing in the stands. that's what baseball is all about. is having the love of the game enough to do whatever it takes to get that one out because that is all that you can focus on at that moment. to bad there are not more players like him.
my hair is short.
i do enjoy it quite a bit.
my shoulder gets tired styling it.
it's how i want it.
i've found another amazing friend. i can't wait to get to know them better and see them more.
i'm worn from the party yesterday. i am having lunch with my best friend who i have not been able to get together with in forever due to so many things. i can't wait. there will be tears and laughter. so much that is needed to catch up on.
my neck is killing me. my shoulder feels as if a boulder slammed it into a brick wall and then stabbed me with 3 metal poles and left them there.
i'm off to lie down.

dance with me tonight.

this has been pretty busy. not busy enough for my lack of energy though.

i'll be going home sometime this summer. still trying to figure out when. i wish someone would go with me. just not sure i'm ready to do it. well actually i know that i am. but not sure how i can hold myself up. creature will be there. and that will make the world. i miss her. it's been since october. that is far to long of a separation of the creatures. it's quite disturbing. no one will probably understand as much as us. i'm tired of being so far away from her. maybe i should for the next 6 months. but after 3 she'd be gone. not as far but still. this just ugh.

today i have 8 people in orientation. it's ridiculous. and after i left austin was still hiring people. his comment to me on the way out was this is going to be one record of an orientation. and then laughed. i said thanks. hopefully everyone will have their paperwork finished.

will i ever get that dance...

my stomach is in knots. i'm trying to do this to get my mind off of it all but it's not helping anymore.

creature. ¿cuando cuando?

i did it.

i feel strong again.

but not for the reasonings of before. i'm not strong because i have to be. i'm strong because i'm knowing who i am. because i'm not allowing things to crush me.

it was hard.

i did not enjoy it.

but that night i had confidence that i can't even remember the last time i've had for myself.

a new friendship i have has caused me to realize well more to confirm some things for me. this person has no idea. but it's what they intend. one day i'll tell them. but for now thank-you 'rich man'

so michael buble's new cd came out tuesday. and i bought it yesterday. i wanted to get it tuesday but was enjoying relaxing so i went yesterday. it makes me smile. it makes me cry. i want my creature. i miss her beyond explanation. i need to hear her voice. i need to have some of that good old creature bonding time. i want to dance with her. i want to tear out magazine ads and color on them in the back of the red mini van. i want to widdle wood on a lawn chair. i want to make cranberry relish. i want to go to ted's and anderson. i want to go to niagra on the lake. i want to laugh so hard it hurts. I WANT MY CREATURE! she's my everything.

until i see you i pray that God lets you know i love you goosie forever and ever and a day. mmmwwaaahhh! (just like we did with coco)

i want to go home...

matthew has a game tonight. the posse will be there. struttin' it in shirts i made last night. well this morning really. i stayed up until 4. i've also made posters. which at 3.30 they looked really good. i went and looked at them a little bit ago and 2 of 4 look good. haha. it's ok though. jack and family will be there. also known as the potts. mike will be there. paul. along with lily and milly! haha. oh richard. we're so crazy.

richard is so amazing. he makes me laugh almost constantly. i love when he stays up to talk to me. i love when he likes to come be on the computer with me. we have so much fun. it reminds me of my papi and i. no one has ever come close to that. last night i just couldn't help but say nothing but nod my head for a little while and smile at him. it was a moment i didn't want to lose. he's so great. thank You once again for providing me with this astonishing friendship. You are truly great in all that You do. i can't thank You enough. i love You Lord.

musical cheers

so saturday night i went to shoot a show.

keith davis band.

i was somewhat nervous. i knew keith but no one else. i was going to the woodlands so very small chance of running into someone. i went. and remembered i had a friend out there so called them. they came. a little 'professional' feeling to that. but i did it.

keith was amazing. i felt so comfortable. i love his band members. they are great. i felt very comfortable with them.

we all laughed as if i had known them for quite some time. it was great.

then they got on stage and it was tremendous. i fell into the music. it surrounded me no matter where in dosey doe coffee house i was. (yes it sounds very hickish. i'm not going to lie. it somewhat was. but it reminded me more of cracker barrel. just a southern place.) it was a great venue. i loved it. keith wants to have more shows there. i'm excited about that.

the staff made us feel very welcome. and that's definitely a plus. obviously. but you know.

i'm excited about the new friendships i've made. i'm excited about getting to know them all better. i'm intrigued to know more.

hopefully i'll see him again before june 8.

anyways since then i've been so busy as well but not really wanting to talk about it.

tonight is community group and i can't wait.

i'll write more thoughts and things later. just drained right now.

making it quick.

a full on update soon to come. but i had to share before i laid my head. i am still completely stoked about keith's show tonight. i had a blast. he's truly amazing. just wanted to say how much i loved it, him, and his band.

off to sleep...

something calming

lunch.

panera bread.

booth.

water and sweet tea separated.

looking into those eyes.

courage beyond all i've ever had.

the sad part. did i enjoy it? yo no se. no hoy. yo no lo permitiría bajarme.

it's a step. i will never allow to be close again.

3 run jack.

we won last night 20-5. we had 5 girls. more than we've ever had to start off the season. and they are good. i'm excited. except i'm ruining more than my shoulder now. i feel it in quite a few places. i'm told to stop but i just can't. as much pain it bring it feels better than anything else right now. that and the moment i click the button and the shutter snaps. those two things could get me by any day. as long as i have a song in my head.

i here with a smile on my face. it's nice. thinking about what to cook for community group tonight. i want it to actually be something i cooked. but then again i almost don't care.

about 6 months left. not sure i'm ready for that challenge. possibly after lauren's wedding i'll go for a little while. would be nice to have someone there with me. not sure if that will be possible though. i will wish until i know.

up and down and up and down and...

so yesterday was beyond a great day... until the end.

it started by going to the gathering. jake did the message rather than bill. that was our surprise and it was nice. a little long do to the repetition. but i enjoyed it very much. there were points that i needed to hear. all so soft spoken but so hard if you really hear them. then christy and i sang and danced as we waited to go to skeeters. which was very much enjoyable. (yes i said that. it's not correct english. but i don't care cause that's exactly what it was) while there i was waiting on a phone call from tracey to let me know what time she would be able to come out and play and i turned around and there she was to surprise me! YAY!! i love her. that made my day right there. i had not seen tracey since tuesday. and for any of you that know us that's quite some time. and we normally talk every day as well. well we did just about but our conversations were not as long as normal so i still have so much to catch up with her about. i missed her this week and was very glad to see her! then we came back to my house to watch the end of the astros game. the tracey, christy, and i did our ltg. was very nice. God has definitely blessed us with each other. and i'm very happy that i have these two amazing girls in my life. that not only can we have fun and talk but that we can share our lives with another. after this we were off to see in the land of women. was not what we were expecting at all. the movie definitely pulled you in at parts, made you feel things, but it was all mixed up, then it just ended. so yeah... after this we went to eat at red robin. was nice. we had not eaten there in a while. after this christy came over here to watch the yankees with me. i gave up in the 8th inning. i cried. we got swept in the series. please don't make jokes yet i'm very upset still.

but the part that absolutely made my day yesterday was that matthew hit a home run!!!! YAY!!!! he's been so close but has yet to do it until yesterday. i'm so proud of him. it was in left center. and it was so far that it almost went on hammerly. (for those of you who don't know the field... it was FAR!) i'm so happy.

today will be a good day as well. i'll make it one. nothing will bring me down.

not sure what to do. i don't want to have to see the doctor. maybe i should go as well. it may help her as well. i just can't handle how i've been feeling lately. not even sure how i'll get the energy for my own game tonight. pray that i do. and that we do well. on top of my energy my shoulders are killing me and my right elbow. i think i'm only making things worse. i know i am actually. but i can't stop playing. it's an addiction.

what do i think of that text. that's not the conversations that we've had. where is this supposed to go. what happened there. is something going on that i'm not being told. if so why not. maybe... nevermind.

i want my creature.

i want my daddy.

i have to stop the tears are coming. and i have to hold them in.

just today.

today was a better day. still very upset. but better. i'm completely drained from all energy due to the past few days but i'll some how get some. i need it to finish off my day. and by that i mean i still have half of matt's game to watch (i can't stay to finish because it's a busy day), then stop at the store before going over to the retzloff's to do some wedding stuff for my bestest friend, then to have an amazing ltg (or as richard's like to think std group) with tracey!, then home (possibly to watch a movie with susie depending on how awake we are)

i want to capture a girl swirling in a summer dress. if you would like to be this girl let me know please. i have one in mind but not sure she'll do it.

pray for the yankees to win today. i need them to.

have a lot on my mind but not sure i'm ready to let it all out.

going to finish a movie i started.

the topping.

to end my horrible night. the yankees lost. don't even make a joke please. i can't handle this after today.

it ends here.

my heart has skipped a beat. did that really just happen. i can't believe what was done. what type of lies were to be told. and that fact that 'nothing' was going on the past few days. i can't stand it. not only am i having words stuffed into me but now they are going in the way that is known to hurt me the most. as upset as i am i will not let it hurt me this time. the game is still being played on one side but what don't you get when i said that's it. no more. all that i've heard is now believed. that i am the more mature. i wanted so badly not to believe that. but it was all just proven to be true. i don't get it. i took one of the largest and hardest steps and you have to trash that too. i'm giving it my all. why won't you. when i said that that's it. i meant it. you said it too. you said no more of this. but kept it going. i thought you may have stopped. but all lessons have been learned in that past and i was giving it one more shot from afar but now i know that it was a mistake on my behalf once again. i hope you learn things quickly. or even at all.

and yes it obviously does function at a whole until someone breaks the cycle.

i am. i will.

held. broken. hurting.

i'm here to write. just to let it all out. all of this is going on and i can't take it. there is so much love there that i want to be there as well. but then i have to remember what would happen in a heartbeat if something changed. it just hurts to know all this. i won't be there for a long time. it's hard. i have a lot of great people supporting. i've sadly cried near to almost every day. i don't cry. ugh. then there's all this other stuff. what was said? is it a repeat of the past. i pray that it won't be. and how do you say i'm immature. i don't need to be looked out for. i've done that for myself and a family for way to long that i don't need help now. that really hurts to hear all this. that's not what should be said at all. i haven't said anything now for about 2 weeks. but i can't handle it anymore. every time there's a discussion these thoughts are going through my head. do you not remember what happened almost 2 years ago. i've never told anything. i never will. but it hurts to know that this may be stopped by words from someone who should be fully supportive. if you had talked to me like you should be you would then know that they are being more helpful to me than anyone right now. and if you really wanted to look out for me you would allow this all. i won't let anyone do to me what was already done. don't you get that. you know how i stand with that all and that i will not take anything. i was there for you when all was going on there. i had to point things out to you! but suddenly i'm the one who needs help. well i'm sorry but if i wanted that i would ask. i asked you to do something different. and suddenly i've become young when 2 years ago there was no separation. i just don't get it. i've given this my all for it to almost be turned on me. it's becoming repetitive. my shoulder has been driving me insane. it's spreading. but i can't say anything. and no none of you will understand. i know what you will all say. and i know. but i can't. so please just leave it be. if i'm ok to handle it then let me. where have you gone. why does it all of a sudden just stop. i said no. i'm sorry. but i need you. i need your words now. as much as my heart has been hurt i'm feeling better than i have in such a long time. the stress may be there still but it's not as intense and that's what i need.

softball practice tonight...

no tears today.

tears...

trashed around like it's a game.

beautiful...

i'm completely drained. i have nothing left i feel. i want this all to end. i know it won't be long but i feel it's to long. beautiful. i call a lot of people beautiful as many have realized. it's for my own reasons. you can ask me personally if you really want to know. well apparently i'm not beautiful. that was definitely what really stabbed me in the heart. how can you say that. i just don't comprehend. i've been pushed around for to long and i'm trying to rebuild myself and take care of myself and that's not helping. i'm hurting a lot. once again. go figure. but i'm putting an end to this all soon enough. finally. right now i just want to see two people. they should know who they are. i just saw them a few hours ago but am missing them incredibly. i can't write any more. i'm trying. maybe later.

i heard a... click!

my day today was made by words. you kept me sane through the day. you helped me ease into tomorrow. thanks. now it's just living tomorrow. hoping to see you then. if not it's all ok. it's crazy isn't it?

a day full of everything...

i had one of the best days. it was quite busy. but i enjoyed myself very much. i even felt pretty at some points of it. but i still feel like crying. is that bad?

that weirdo with 5 colors in her hair...

i'm just a girl trying to relearn life. the one thing that i missed 'growing up' which i feel that i had done way to early. i want to 'me' again. i want to make people laugh the way i used to. when he left i took on as much responsibility as i could. then i killed myself. after that things kept falling apart and i had to step up again. i want to be the one following. i want to wear a t-shirt under my tie, with a suit, with my chucks, with my hat and be there singing ever word. because i know them all so well. i want to sing and dance because i don't care what anyone thinks. i hope it makes them laugh but i don't care more than that. i want to smile alot. even though there still is a lot behind these eyes.

this week has sucked. alot. there's been alot of thoughts of the past already as you may know. but last tuesday. those words struck me. they hurt me beyond what i had prepared myself for. and that's the thing i had prepared myself for the next time. but i thought things were going well. i was not expecting those things to be said. i let the water run down my face and you could not tell that there were water running through my eyes. then that just wasn't enough.

i ruined 4.5months with a brick.

i had struggled so hard to get there. through my mom being in the hospital. to finding out the kids have the same thing. to that conversation at work. to connie being in the hospital. to everything else. until those words. they ripped it all away. how could i let that happen.

i feel disgusted by myself.

is that even possible. is that even right. i feel violated. because someone came in and ripped it all away again. and yes i am the one that allowed it. but i know why. and that's the part that sucks the most. it was the trigger to remind me of how things were and i felt as if it were all happening again.

you may not understand. and that's ok. you never will unless you had to be in this spot. which i pray every day that no one will have to be there again.

it hurts to think about and that's what has been on my mind almost all week. i'll have my moments when it strikes me.
i'm trying to move on but i think about it and how it was 'resolved' and it hurts.

raisincakes: the old viagra

this week the message from between the sheets was about pursuit. so here we go.

1.9-3.5

purity is the one thing we have. we can not let anyone take it away from us. you must guard it.

sex is only for marriage it is not a sport. only date someone if you know that you can marry them and that you are ready to.

there's a valuing of each other!!

NOT JUST AN INFATUATION!

you both must have this respect for one another. you can not take your wants and put them in front of their purity.

vs. 9 'To me, my darling, you are like My mare among the chariots of Pharaoh.'

pharaoh was the only one who could have this mare. it was pure white.

vs. 13 'My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh Which lies all night between my breasts.'

this pouch represented her. the smell was 'her' it was part of her identity. you knew it was her when she walked by because of this.

they went to a romantic place, which also was a public place. they were not hiding their relationship. you can not hide it!

2.2-3 'Like a lily among the thorns, So is my darling among the maidens. Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, So is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down. And his fruit was sweet to my taste.'

lilies and apples were rare to them. so she is stating how rare he is.

we need to be able to say 'i feel secure. i feel valued with him.' there needs to be no fear about this relationship. you need to be able to define the relationship. for yourselves and for others.

vs. 4 'He has brought me to his banquet hall, And his banner over me is love.'

the kings then would have a banner. it would fly behind them. and everything that was beneath it was his. so he is claiming her with his love.

you are going to desire more of them. there's going to be a growing sense of passion. so we must stay pure. 'don't do anything with them that you wouldn't do with your brother/sister'

vs. 5 'sustain me with raisin cakes, Refresh me with apples, Because I am lovesick.'

raisincakes were the viagra of the day.

she likes him a lot and wants to be with him more intimately.

IT IS NOT WRONG TO HAVE THESE FEELINGS... but THE TIME HAS TO BE RIGHT!

a Godly relationship is defined with purity.

2.7 & 3.5 ' I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the hind of the field, That you do not arouse or awaken my love Until she please.'

don't go further until you are married.

you must not value your sexual desires more than them.

ephesians 5.25-27 'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.'

because he poured out his love for us we can honor them and guard the purity of the them.

as before go listen to the actual message. you can download it at kalehouston.com

solomon is delicious!

been a ruff week so i'm finally updating. i will update on that in a minute. but first lets talk about sex baby.
the new series at kaleo is what's between the sheets. it's beyond amazing. this first week was attraction:
so i will go through notes and thoughts and some how hopefully give a good summary...
song of solomon is a book of 2 peoples relationship
1.1-8
you can not make a 'spiritual compartment' for your life. it is your life! you can not separate it.
there are two parts of attraction. the physical and the inner.

physical:
as the woman is describing solomon to us she pretty much states 'solomon looks delicious' for a physical attraction we will use all of our senses as much as we can to be attracted to them. there's a right timing and context for everything throughout song of solomon. so all that she is telling us is at the right time.
there is no 'talking' phase. you just have to trust God and go for it almost if you feel this is what He wants you to do.

inner:
vs. 3 says 'Your oils have a pleasing fragrance, Your name is like purified oil; Therefore the maidens love you.' their name represented who they were. it represented their character. and purified oil was the 1st press of oil and was taking directly to the temple. it was 'holy'
you need to ask 3 questions.
1 who are they under pressure?
this was how you are able to define their integrity. as for you they may hide this because they are attracted to you in some sense so it may not show. it will find it's way out. and it may be directed towards you... you need to know how they will react.
2 what do other people think?
this will tell their reputation. would you like to be with someone with this reputation? it should be a privilege to be with them.
would it be an honor to be asked out by him?
would you bring them to church. would you be proud to bring them home to mom.
why date someone you wouldn't marry. this is the whole point of dating! if you just date around and what not this is what will build your reputation. if you hold out this will build your reputation. how do you want to be known.
3 what do they think of themselves?
this is their humble confidence. do they respect themselves. do they think highly of themselves.
vs. 5-6 says 'I am black but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, Like the tents of Kedar, Like the curtains of Solomon, Do not stare at me because I am swarthy, For the sun has burned me. My mother's sons were angry with me; They made me caretaker of the vineyards, But I have not taken care of my own vineyard.'
she is ok with the way that she is even though it's not what society wants. she has put herself aside in order to take care of her family. she has been submissive to her brothers. She then goes on to pretty much to state that she wants to hang out with solomon and get to know him and have a relationship. but not sexually. she will not compromise herself. she's going to stand firm in what she believes and feels is right.
character is the root of true attraction.
then bill went on to close it with 1 peter 2.24-25
if you want to here more or i missed something you can go to kaleohouston.com and download the audio.

how?

i’ve let it happen.
i’ve let them have the same spell over me as he did.
i’ve let them control me as he did.

and still does.

ugh.
that hurts.

the painful question.

will that name, that voice, those eyes, that movement, that truck, that place, those places, that silhouette. will they always haunt me...

one crazy week...

time for an update…
well lets see… pretty much it’s all going to start with tracey and i… to all of you that this irritates i don’t care!! at all. they may come off as rude and i’m sorry but i’m tired of getting dirty looks and hearing people complain. we can hang out all the time if we want. it’ll be ok. so anyways here we go.
i’ll just start from the beginning of this week. on sunday ryan had just gotten to my house so we could watch a movie together. hadn’t done so in a long time. well my mom called. she just took my sister to the er. she had an infection and allergic reaction. she ended up staying until thursday. but back to sunday. so tracey came over in the middle of me putting make up and styling ryan’s hair. it was definitely a blast. i ruv him. then we ate dinner and talked to lance! tracey went home so ryan and i watched another movie. it was great fun… monday i just went to work waited tables came home and got changed and then went to the hospital… stayed there all day tuesday until i went home to get ready to go out with tracey and ryan. we definitely went out for national pancake day (2nd annual) and then went to walmart while talking to lance. then we went to brazil… so much fun. wednesday i went to work then to community group. was nice. then i went to the hospital. thursday i went to work came home for a while. then tracey came over we went to hobby lobby to get supplies then off to wing stop. then we came home to watch what a girl wants while talking to lance while painting t-shirts! oh so much fun. friday. i was very lazy to start off with. i took a shower and shaved. then jen and i went to the mall for a little while. came home straightened my hair and put make up on. then went to meet tracey for one of the greatest nights ever! we are now aeros fans and will next year be season ticket holders. we got to see the kenny!!! it was great. but remember it is much easier to find the dog. oh it was so much fun. i can’t wait until march 10th. we’ll be at the aeros game if any of you would like to join us. not really sure who reads this except for a couple of people. anyways. saturday. went to work. then to tmobile to yell at them. then had lunch with michaelandlauren. twas fun. then i went to take photos at the park. yay. then tracey her mom and i went to see music and lyrics. this may have topped off liar liar… so hard to say that. then we went back to their place and tracey got ready for us to go out. we went to the galleria. saw becca. got makeup. ate sbarros. walked around the mall. saw becca. went to 59 diner to meet nicole and ryan and have horrible service. then today. went to kaleo after getting all done up… then off to lunch at brown bag deli. then tracey and i made dinner for the goulds dropped it off and here i am.

thoughts. they aggravate me. i’m so tired of thinking. it never helps me. ugh. maybe i should learn to stop…

bill’s message today was beyond amazing. i love what God shows me through him. it’s definitely guiding me with some huge things. not quite ready to share to much about it yet though.

i’m just really frustrated and fed up with so much right now. i’m tired of feeling this. i’m tired of being hurt…

a soft melody.

thoughts consume me...

my heart beating to a rhythm of something unknown. unseen. unheard.

i'm captured.

to hear those words. to know something that's been unsaid. meant the world to me. just a soft sweet spoken prayer. thank you so very much.

to hear the laughter. to see the smile. to see the excitement. the joy. the energy. makes this day worth while. i smiled with a tear in my eye that was never released.

my God. You are so beyond tremendous in every which way. to give me a day of joy. as if i deserved it. as if that one moment were not enough. You strike me with amazement every day. to have a love for me. that's beyond what any one could ever give. but yet there You are every day with open arms pulling me in. how shall i stand in front of You. just looking back at that moment that You let me capture. that i will now have forever. it just reflects You. all the small things even point back to You. those things that we take for granted. for what reason that You allow us to i will never comprehend. i thank You for this very moment. the moments of the past and the moments that are to come. when will i be able to move on. please lead me to be able to. get me through this i pray. i just want to be through with it. why am i not. what left is there for me here. i'm still growing yes. i'm ok with that. as if i have a choice about the rest. but i would like to not have to deal with certain things anymore. please help me stay calm this minute and the next. i'm struggling. been a lot lately. i'm tired of hurting. i just need You to breathe through me right now.

it's as if that needle were in me shooting me with the vaccine: pain

what to do when your life seems to pretty much mean nothing to you any more. not that i don't want to live life. i'm just over whelmed. i'm fed up with the things that are going on. not sure how much more of this crazy life i can take. and here i am sitting here pondering over it because there is nothing else to do. it's a waiting game in this thing they call life. something happens. please wait. makes me think of please enjoy the music while your party is reached. how can i enjoy the music when i know that it's not good at this moment. even if the outcome may be good. there is no telling. there's faith. which i have. but i can't be happy. i just want that one person who is on my mind to be here and to hold me. to teach me this part of life that i don't know how to live. i'm struggling with so many things right now. what do you call this that i'm feeling. from my opening sentence some people may think suicidal which is not true. i would never do that no matter what. there is always a way out without that. but it's just what do you do when you get to this point that you think you can't be that person you've been all these years. you can't stand their with a smile and open arms telling them it will be ok i promise if not i will fix it myself. you can't look into their eyes and see their pain anymore because you are afraid of them finally seeing through your eyes and seeing your own. or that they may see that you are just as afraid as they are and have always been. as much as i hate that man i almost wish he were still here because i had no fears when he was around. nothing could stop me. nothing could bring me down. as much as i allowed him to get to me i could still take the challenge. nothing in the world stopped me from doing what i wanted to do. no fears. now i have all of these fears. i feel like i'm 7 all over again. maybe that's right feeling wise i am that's where it stopped why not pick back up there. whatever i can't take this. nor can i take myself being like this.

to the one who is on my mind. you may not know but i hope you figure it out. please help me help myself.

this made my day!

daughter. you're everything wonderful unique and dear. and you get more incredible, year after year! you are so special and i love you so much. i think of you all the time. i keep thinking back to when you were just a baby and i would have to walk you in my arms forever. to stop you from crying. you did not like to go to bed, i always really enjoyed it. you were and are a very special girl. all my love, dad.

cuando cuando cuando

i want someone who will be there to wipe away the tears...

what do you do when the tears don't stop?

to the one that holds the key...

just going to write this no corrections. rough draft.

just one shot.

as said.

please look openly.

here i just sit. having something. have had it for a very long time. not able to give. there is more than what the surface shows though.

those eyes that i so long to see. they make me weak. they either make my heart race or stop. i try to play what you feel i am. mysterious. please look deeper... after you get past the hurt you see there will be this part of me that no one has ever been able to see. you and 3 others are the only ones who have touched it. and even then i've barely let them see that. my lauren. mi papi. nicole.

i know i'm what stops you. but that's all i've known how to do. please help me let you get there.

i want so badly to tell you all that i hold to myself.

that sweet song you whisper in my ear. i hurt you (well i feel as if so...) by saying whatever. not so much to think about it because it's become a habit. but here in this place i'm swooning. i'm overjoyed. i want to say so much back but feel it's not right.

you say maybe later.

i say no.

but truthful i'm to afraid to go there.

the day i said there's another guy. it was a lie. it was to stop before...

before what i don't know. that's as close as i've ever gotten. i don't know what comes next. you're the most i've ever had.

i want to stop hiding.

i want to stop hurting.

i want you to see what i'm thinking.

i said you would fall asleep. you said there's something more. isn't there always?

i'm afraid that you are to close. that i'll let you come to this place and that in the end i will be hurt. i trust you so much that i want to put that aside. but you know how the beatings have gone and i'm struggling with differentiating amongst the two.

my jokes. i'm sarcastic. a jerk.

i want so badly the way when it's just us for that to be the way it always is. jokes. but fun. a smile.

i'm getting dizzy.

my heart has been shattered. and shattered even more. time and time again. from so many things. the things you say to me, what you let me hear, what you let me see has only helped me start to figure out who to put it back together.

i only want more of our conversations.

so much to say. i need to let you see this before i never do. i wrote this about a month or two ago. do with my words as you please...

the beating (again)

there you were

you knew me and i knew you so well

catching a glimpse of you

your eyes are captivating me

i hold my gaze there as if it were the last time

you try to see through

see my thoughts

well here they are

your heart, a melody

your whisper in my ear, a sweet song

your eyes, a story

my head on your shoulders

i never want to leave

we say we don't belong

is that right

or is it a fear

should we take this risk

your hand scrapes mine

the butterflies come

my heart is racing

there is no rhyme or reason to the way it's written. that's the way i wrote it out on paper. a thought per line.

it seems so stupid now but the thoughts and memories in my head are what's behind those words.

i hope you take those words the right way.

i hope you even take the time to read all this that i'm writing.

i'm wiping my cheek to get rid of the wetness.

i'm shaking.

wishing i could have more of an instance response. yet so afraid.

hoping that i will even get one.

there is so much going on right now. i want you to be the one i share my words with about it.

i want you to see my work.

i want you to be apart of it.

there is a part of me that is aggravated. not from the 'conversation' just had. more from the actions. i've done it to. but it's hurting either way.

i wish so badly we could talk...

esperarle entiende...

i'm still looking for most of the words.

finding it hard.

but knowing they will come.

i'm a little thrown back.

but still smiling.

i'll post later.

mainly for one person...

started off my other cool half. now aparently, according to others, my other half. half of me. whatever. which is pretty much accurate. but not the same person! the laughs are continuos. the smiles are constant. the joy is every second! the adventure seems to always be going. something new. it's great. i'm definitely loving it. from john tucker must die to party of 15 to just us to bon appettite to sharing our own place. 'i'm not quite so sure that's a good idea. the two of you getting a place together. you just bounce off of each other. you have to watch out for you two. i may have to seperate you both.' yeah that's definitely us. it's great it makes me smile. tomorrow we're spending the day together and that makes me smile. the only time we'll have a break from each other is while she works... that's so crazy. but it doesn't grow old. but please do remember that traceyandemily have spaces, tracey and emily, we still are two people. and the most important part of it all.
i’m trusting her.

going around...

when will this revolving door of life stop hurting me? i'm ready to give up at so many things at this moment. it hurts to say much less admit. but all that i see right now is what happened last time i listened to shakira's hips don't lie... and that was no good...

what's the next beat?

music and photos are spinning in me. constant songs as i flip through. i want so badly to be only shooting already. it hurts me to see you hurting. you know this all seems like such fun and games but sometimes i stop and think it's more serious at points. where to go from there. what to do. will it ever change. will it just stay this revolving door of whatever this is. wishing to hear it one more time at least. whenever i hear it i will know and see it in your eyes and understand. just you and i will know.

lyrics bouncing through my head

i've discovered that i think a whole lot more when i'm upset. which only seems to make me more angry but that seems to be when i can write, draw, and sometimes even shoot my best. and why. i have no idea. but you know what today i'm happy and feeling good and i'm ready to write. so if it's not that great then i'm sorry. which it probably won't please me either but it's ok because for this moment it will make me feel good. i'm bouncing off the walls again
WHOA!
there's something about life. as much as i dislike it i can't seem to get enough of it. what is it?i'm going into my photography full time. as soon as God allows me to. it's time. my restaurant era is over. it’s time to move on. after 3 years of being dragged around and being hurt i’ve made my decision that no one can change. it’s hard and yeah it sucks to a degree but i’m getting through it. well obviously but ya know. the conversation that was had a few days ago made me think, why am i still here. all it’s doing is hurting me more and more. it was hard to admit to that but oh well.
i’m looking like a fool again
WHOA!
decision: either i go or it goes…
she chose it.
that i think is the thing that emotional has hurt me the most my entire life. and yeah.
tracey and i have been getting together a lot more lately and i’ve definitely been enjoying that very much so. but you know when you find your other half, other cool half, what are you to do…
beautiful girl playing through my head…

around my neck...

yankees colors. some what pinstripe. the best i could do. metal. 'long' Q T. a constant reminder that it's part of my life now. always will be. it seems to be my life at the moment. it's there to say hey it's not you or any of us but it's a part of us. something we are overcoming. a reminder to glorify God for everything that has happened and the WAY that it has happened. even though that is hard at times. i made it. i will wear it everyday. seven o'clock will be here before i know it. hopefully. i'm killing myself with thoughts. hopefully see paul tomorrow. a part of me misses being at the hospital. not for the circumstances obviously. but i love it there. i felt comfortable there. nothing to hide.

my Love. be with me tonight. and tomorrow. and always.

as i sit here writing this i am fighting off the tears.

everything came out clear except for two. the two that i wanted least. why did they have to come out positive. it should've been me.

no emotions.

i need this phone call to arrive sooner than expected because i'm not quite sure how long i can be strong for this time.

maybe this is the reason as to why i should have never tried to figure out stuff and relearn life.

then there is the fact that since i was 7 years old. my life has been ripped away from me. there was no childhood. i missed out on what most girls want. what kids love to do. i jumped to being a 'mature young adult' ugh. it disgusts me.

then i have these emotions feelings or whatever that i'm having due to that.

i need to throw that ball. i need to feel the sting in the bat. i need to hear the cracking of the bat and the popping of the glove. i need to feel the dirt turning under my foot. i need to feel each and every single cleat ripping in to that soft clay that's waiting for me to slide into it so that i may wear it and be proud of it. i need to feel that rubber. i need that chalk to be on my hand. the ball in my hand as i memorize every single part of the seam on it. i need to release it.

i need to hold that photograph in my hand with pride. to hear the shutter. to see the outcome. to see the flash. see the framing of such a magnificent capture.

some one has been there and has completely stolen my attention and made me smile for days now. in an instant that was ripped away. when i hear that song and answer only to hear that wonderful voice on the other side what shall i say.

the 'normal me' would not let is show. not say a word of hurt. not let this tear that sits in my eye out but i know as soon as i say hello it will all come.

my heart is yearning for comfort. for a break.

all that comes is a broken shatter of pain.

God. i need someone to hold me and look at me and say it's ok. for someone to say i will be the one to teach you and guide you with what i know that God has instructed me to do. for someone to want to protect me. for someone to say shut your eyes i will be them for you. close your ears for i will hear it all for you. let me be the one to hold your heart and show you how to love. God. i'm trying so hard. i'm trusting You with all. i'm giving You my life. letting You lead me to where i should be. having You direct me in Your light. but although i know it is a not needed. because it is worldly. but Lord please give me someone. i'm wanting that shoulder. and i'm ready my Love to be open and honest and let them help me. please i ask. You are me.

tomorrow i have a meeting for work. i'm almost not wanting to go because i know it will almost backfire to a degree but then also i'm someone ok with it. then i will be able to state that it really is not me. ugh. it's just aggrevating.

late phone calls. smiles. worries. time. thoughts. care. patience. butterflies.

i don't want to have to see their faces. i don't want to see them be broken. i don't want to see them be hurt as i tell them you have it.

prolonged q-t syndrome.

today i figured out what happy is... thanks.

the post i promised.

i've spent the past 2 days constantly smiling. i had about a 6 hour conversation with someone yesterday. then spent the whole day not being able to get them out of my head. then i just received a phone call a little while ago. for some odd reason today i got nervous. not exactly quite sure why. yesterday i had butterflies but it was an excitement it was not a nervousness. i think. i can't wait until the next conversation tomorrow to see where it goes. it's a new thrill. it's suspenseful. i'm liking it though.

i also had a few amazing conversations with ryan last night and today. and i'm hoping that everything works out for tomorrow evening. so that we are able to do something.

i ruv you beautiful. (thanks...)

levi is so amazing. i had not seen him in a few weeks and nicole and i had a date tonight. then nanette came. levi gave me a call right as we were about to order. he was calling to say he didn't think he would be able to hang out tonight because he was going to go and see his mom. then about ten minutes later as i was telling nicole about the conversations i've been having over the high booth's edge i see levi! i screamed and we hugged. i love how for no reason whatsoever he surprised me. it definitely made my smile even bigger. i've been dieng to see him lately. it's been kind of ruff and his shoulder hasn't exactly been so close for me. which is odd. but i'm so glad i got to see him. and to hold arms and just to hold on to him. ugh. it was wonderful. i finally got to spend time with my best friend and have many needed conversations today. all day. because we had worked together this morning. last night i slept a few hours! and i let nothing get me down today.

today was possible the best day i've had in a long time.

and very much needed.

it had to do with 4 people. mainly one. so thanks to you all. you know who you are.

but even though this is such a shorter post than my normal ones. i'm going to end it here. i'm going to go and try to get some sleep. pray that i do. because i hopefully will be getting a phone call at 4.15am but i highly doubt that i will because you see this person doesn't seem to neccesarily trust me when i say it's ok and i would be more than thrilled to get a phone call. and if they indeed do then i would be more than ecstatic and would not want to miss it and i would not want to be asleep so therefore i shall try to now.

blast from the past.

today someone made me smile. they made my day. tomorrow i have a date with my best friend and i'm overjoyed and can't wait. i'll write more in a little bit.

ugh.

am i feeling more compassionate or am i looking for something...

the link...

there are so many thoughts that are going through my head. it seems so hard to sort them at times. there is this amazing new happiness that i have and then there's all the pain, hurt, unwanted, angry, and all those other emotions and feelings. there is so much happening. maybe to much. i'm trying my hardest to do my best but i only seem to feel as if i'm failing. but the truth and even i know it somewhere is that i'm not. i'm doing better than i ever had. i just don't get it. it's obviously not for me to know. but how i want to. even more of a truth is i really don't know how i feel. the question keeps coming but how are you? answer: i'm fine. doing really well.

the real answer: don't know.

i have no idea. i haven't taken the minute to even think. and now that i'm trying it's hurting because i don't know WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?

i hate that he took this all away from me. and what he didn't take he crushed.

the eyes. they hold it all.

noone sees what they say or what they are. can noone really tell what is going on? is it really that big of a mystery? is it really hidden like that?

where? why? it hurts.

i want my daddy to be by my side. i want to see him. to hold his hand.

would that make a difference though. that touch that has been so far that's so close everytime we talk even though it's a thousand miles away. would it be there for me in the way that i need it.

here i sit alone complaining and letting something out that i should probably delete all of this text that was typed but for some reason i will hit the publish key.

kicking it in emiry's

write more later but...

i'm absolutely loving my new product (red) chucks that i designed!

fresh breath...

one shot.

am i ready for this to end?

as much as i would love to answer that with a yes i'm not quite sure. i'm absolutely sick of the emotionally ride it has given me. and the fact that i still don't know what i'm feeling. but what i do know is that i'm loving being with my mom and my siblings. it's bringing me such a joy. i'm not quite sure how to explain. but i'm feeling good and i almost want to forget the rest of the world. then something goes wrong and i suddenly want to flee. and its been so hard to stay but i have. and as much as someone else may look at it and say damn you did a horrible job i think i did a good job. considering the fact that i had no idea i could. i thought i would have failed miserably by now. but look at where i am.

thank you my Lord! You are so great and marvelous.

paul.

my heart is beating. i'm missing my two best friends very much. i'm hurting without them. sometimes i find myself trying to figure out what to do. it's become to where i've let them live my life for me. i know that it's me. who i am. that's my personality. that's what i like. but it's not all me. the rest is them. what they say i like, what i do, etc. how did i let myself do this.

5 different rythyms. not one to live after. 30 documented minutes without oxygen. 0-17% chance. 9.25am began it all.

how? why? this way?

i'm flabbergasted but in a shocked way. if that even made sense.

you and the way God used you mean the world to me. your eyes...

will it ever be the same or will our relationship still have this awkwardness til the end. i don't want that. i would like for it to be the same. move as one once again. no questions asked.

the pain. the joy.

2 months have now passed. one without even a wanting. then that truck was outside. the shaking began. but there was a restraint in me. where from?

the smoothness. the embrace. the heartbeat against mine.

thank you God. You've let me learn something unimaginable this week. i thank You. thank You for answering that prayer. definitely not in the way expected but something even more marvelous. You seem to shock me even when i know it will not go as i've planned.

thank you.

i'm ready for this new beginning.