bendesa

i want this all to be over. EVERYTHING. i'm wanting to flee. just bolt. all i can think is 'i don't know how much help i will be but you can run here.' i don't want to. i want to just be content with where i am for once. no regrets. this is sounding gay cause i can't think straight whatsoever right now.

i want to cry.

stillness. so great.

i hated that conversation. i hated doing that. but it needed to be done. ugh. i'm such a jerk. hopefully it will be understood. it's hard to do it knowing that there is other stuff too. it's so easy to say what to do but once you are there and it's all going on you can't do it. that's what sucks. but i did. which is good in the end. but i just hate doing it that's all. i wish i had her there with me to do it. because then i wouldn't have. ugh. nevermind. i feel like such a jerk for even writing this.
ugh.
the postal service. how nice. it's soothing right now. i'm enjoying being by myself, right now. well for now, how about that. that sounds better. just relaxing. i wish that i did not have to be up at 7 to go to work. sick. there is so much that i need to do. yet i'm sitting here typing this and procrastinating. ugh. i'm thinking way to much. to much for my own good at that. which is obviously not good, not good at all.
well i got a lot to get ready for tuesday evening. so i'm going to start working on that.
then phoebe cates, my elephant, and i will try to sleep in such an amazing comfort that i wish i had more of to surround me with. that sounds so stupid. whatever.

even though it kind of sucks right now this is a nice end to a great birthday.

thinking of something.

i'm here. with phoebe cates. indulging the fact that i have 4 days to myself. even though i had that conversation today and everything is much better. i'm still loving it. i'm loving that i can think and do my own thing. and concentrate on what i need to. today was a good birthday. all except for the fact that i missed my dad's call by a half hour. he will be calling me tomorrow night. but i was so waiting on that call all day and decided that it was probably not going to happen and of course when i was charging my phone he called. ugh. i hate this. i'm excited that i will be able to talk to him tomorrow and express myself and tell him what i feel knowing that no matter what he will understand. oh how i love and miss him. i can't wait.

i love nicole so much.

thank you for everything you do for me. listening to me. giving me advice. being there for no effing reason. making me an awesome cd. going to be going to american eagle because you got me a gc. yay. and for loving me. for being my best friend. thanks.

i'm feeling so special.

today. today was a good day. the night. the night sucked completely until right now when desi was so awesome and is having me over and then acted as if she was doing something and totally pulled out a ice cream cake from cold stone creamery that said happy early birthday emily. awww. so great. and it was cotton candy flavored with gummy bears inside. how awesome. yay! that made my day. i definitely needed something to cheer me up! i like her.

i'm hurt. bendesa. ahh.

eff you. i hate this so much. you make me want to scream and do things i haven't done in months. i want to be gone and not have to deal with this anymore. i want to live my own life without you breathing down my neck. i want this ugh. you piss me off. i need to do this and i don't give a shit what you think. i wish you would let me do this and stop killing me. ugh.
quiero.

i should just ask you to marry me now so you'll sleep.

ok lets see. where to begin. i can't seem to find the words that i'm looking for so this is probably going to turn out really bad. you don't have to read. i just need to get stuff of my chest before something else happens. new york. what to say. it was busy. it was a lot. it was hard. it hurt. it was exhausting. it was well needed. it some what helped. it made me happy. it made me sad. it made me angry. it made me hurt. it made me smile. i'm glad it's over. i need to think. i need to be alone for a little while. or with him. or her. either way would work. i just need to let the thoughts out. think this all through. figure out what i think is best. for me. for once i need to finally think about me and decide what would help me out the most. something that i obviously never do. i've been so happy. yet i've been hurting and torn up oh so very much. what is going on. i've gotten to an awful point so many times. why. i've been so good and here i seem to go again. not yet. thankfully. i'm to afraid. i'm afraid i will do it. it's not just there. it's driving too. that's why i couldn't take them yesterday when i was so graciously given the opportunity. he wondered why and i did not want to explain myself anymore. i just said i can't do that right now. why that 'conversation', if that's what you want to call it, had to happen i have no idea. it's disturbing oh so much. why does he care. why does he write so much. oh mr. mp. how come you do. how come you know it all so well. how come you answer exactly when i need you to and how come you say exactly what i need you to at that moment. other times it could take forever. oh it's so awesome. i'm wanting to flee. how stupid is this. this probably makes no sense to anyone but me. not even her. she knows me better than anyone and i'm not quite sure if she would even get this. or maybe she would. maybe she would say yes and agree. maybe she would have so awesome advice, hopefully she clicks this. probably not. i want to write, i want to draw, i want to capture, i want to play, i want to listen. ugh.
drew left for san antonio today. he'll only be gone until tuesday though. he has a doctors appointment. but ugh. when he gets home we are going to start reading through the Bible together! i'm so excited! (no, not when we get home to my house! you make me smile) i'm ugh. there really are no words for this. i've been thinking about maybe ephesians. i just can't wait. this is what i've been wanting. this is it.
if this is. then why do i keep thinking about it. was he right today. maybe that is why. so that wouldn't have happened. would it have. it's very possible. should i have waited. is this truly right. maybe, probably it would have caused to many problems. there was so much there all ready that if i had waited another 18 hours that it could have changed so many things. i think there is something there that they are not telling me. but if that is true then they would have lied to me once again. which obviously i can see why. but then why did that guy say that a few weeks ago. is this other person thinking the same thing that i am. maybe i should ask them. but what if that causes even more awkwardness and issues. i don't know what to do. these thoughts are racing through my head and they are killing me.
i need her. i need her so badly right now. i need her advice.
i want to scream.

thank-you drew...

i'm home. i have so much to say. yet i'm lacking so many of the words i wish i had. i also have to get ready for work so i will write tonight after my awesome day!

quiero llorar. how odd is that.

FECHAMOS!

i'm sitting here with drewseph. yay! today sarah and i also went makeup shopping for her and i got some stuff to cheer up my awesome friend nicole! i miss her. and she was having a pretty bad day. aww. i ruv her. then we had our dessert. which i couldn't finished no could she so we saved them for mark and drew. then i came home. and now drew is with me!!!! and i'm happy. and smiling. i've smiled the most i have in a long time these past few days. finally! tomorrow is a long day that i'm not looking forward to at all. i will be able to call drew though if i need someone. yay! i'm so glad that i have him there. ugh. i'm not ready. not yet. i don't think i would ever be but it's just to much. but i'm afraid if i were to wait any longer i would lose it. i'm holding something back right now. and it's hard. and no ryan it's not ok to!!! ugh. jerk.

¡tengo el mejor día jamás!

well i'm just having such and awesome day and it is only going to continue so i could not help but stop and write some before i got up and continued to go. like i said this morning i spent it with these 2 freaking awesome hartley kids. i could not have asked for a better morning. i love them to death. we had so much fun. i got to meet mason's best friend sarah. and she's a sweetheart. i got to go down the fireman pole and feel like a real fireman. i got to be pounded into the floor by maleah. i got tons of hugs and kisses. i got to clean only because mason insisted and if i stopped then i got yelled at. we went to chic-fil-a. oh what fun. except for all the bullies in the kids area that were picking on my mason. all the moms thought he was my son. and even when i explained the story still insisted that he was mine. and of course it did not help that back to back mason and maleah came up calling me mom or mama. that made me laugh because i don't even know why they did but it was right at the perfect timing that made me feel like such a liar. i wish they were my kids though. i love them sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!! they didn't want me to leave today! that made me feel special. and they made me another drawing to go with their other one hanging in my room. and then after i left i stopped by my favorite flower shop off of fannin right before main. i believe it is the flower garden. i absolutely love that place! the orchard i want went down from $25 to $15 and i'm sort of suspicious to by it now because that is weird that they would mark down a flower. but anyways i went to get laurie a bouquet that ended up being beautiful. she loved it and so did i. yay! then as i got home i got this phone call from my amazing friend sarah who would like me to join her and her husband for dinner. then we will be having dessert at pappasito's so i can see nicole before i go. ugh. i'm still upset. but i will not let that ruin my awesome day. and then after that my drew is coming over and supposively 'helping' me pack but yeah that would be awkward so we'll probably just talk as i freak out. no sleep again tonight.

p.s.

i'm going to go hang out with some awesome kids. MASON! and MALEAH! heck yes!! i'm excited!

he's mine. all mine!

well it was a crazy night. boys, boys and more boys. if you were to go down there right now you would see about 7 or 8 boys just all over the place. oh so crazy. i got to watch the sunrise with the most amazing guy. he's so awesome. he loves God. he treats me well. very well. he is understanding and caring even when i'm not. he's helping me do things that i absolutely need to do and am struggling with. as i sat there in his arms and cried this morning because tomorrow i face it, i didn't want to leave. i want him to be there with me tomorrow. even though i know i need to do this on my own and then have him be there afterwards. i love how he says comments underneath his breath so quiet that i only catch a few words and have no idea what it is about and it keeps me pondering. i love how he laughs and says thanks. i enjoy seeing him try and act like he's going to make a decision when he is just as indecisive as i am. i love how as nervous as i am. i just don't care. i want him to know. i want him to see what is really going on. no lies. no cover-ups. maybe that is why i told so much. i like how he lies and tells me i am beautiful. i like drew. i really really do.