tears...

trashed around like it's a game.

beautiful...

i'm completely drained. i have nothing left i feel. i want this all to end. i know it won't be long but i feel it's to long. beautiful. i call a lot of people beautiful as many have realized. it's for my own reasons. you can ask me personally if you really want to know. well apparently i'm not beautiful. that was definitely what really stabbed me in the heart. how can you say that. i just don't comprehend. i've been pushed around for to long and i'm trying to rebuild myself and take care of myself and that's not helping. i'm hurting a lot. once again. go figure. but i'm putting an end to this all soon enough. finally. right now i just want to see two people. they should know who they are. i just saw them a few hours ago but am missing them incredibly. i can't write any more. i'm trying. maybe later.

i heard a... click!

my day today was made by words. you kept me sane through the day. you helped me ease into tomorrow. thanks. now it's just living tomorrow. hoping to see you then. if not it's all ok. it's crazy isn't it?

a day full of everything...

i had one of the best days. it was quite busy. but i enjoyed myself very much. i even felt pretty at some points of it. but i still feel like crying. is that bad?

that weirdo with 5 colors in her hair...

i'm just a girl trying to relearn life. the one thing that i missed 'growing up' which i feel that i had done way to early. i want to 'me' again. i want to make people laugh the way i used to. when he left i took on as much responsibility as i could. then i killed myself. after that things kept falling apart and i had to step up again. i want to be the one following. i want to wear a t-shirt under my tie, with a suit, with my chucks, with my hat and be there singing ever word. because i know them all so well. i want to sing and dance because i don't care what anyone thinks. i hope it makes them laugh but i don't care more than that. i want to smile alot. even though there still is a lot behind these eyes.

this week has sucked. alot. there's been alot of thoughts of the past already as you may know. but last tuesday. those words struck me. they hurt me beyond what i had prepared myself for. and that's the thing i had prepared myself for the next time. but i thought things were going well. i was not expecting those things to be said. i let the water run down my face and you could not tell that there were water running through my eyes. then that just wasn't enough.

i ruined 4.5months with a brick.

i had struggled so hard to get there. through my mom being in the hospital. to finding out the kids have the same thing. to that conversation at work. to connie being in the hospital. to everything else. until those words. they ripped it all away. how could i let that happen.

i feel disgusted by myself.

is that even possible. is that even right. i feel violated. because someone came in and ripped it all away again. and yes i am the one that allowed it. but i know why. and that's the part that sucks the most. it was the trigger to remind me of how things were and i felt as if it were all happening again.

you may not understand. and that's ok. you never will unless you had to be in this spot. which i pray every day that no one will have to be there again.

it hurts to think about and that's what has been on my mind almost all week. i'll have my moments when it strikes me.
i'm trying to move on but i think about it and how it was 'resolved' and it hurts.

raisincakes: the old viagra

this week the message from between the sheets was about pursuit. so here we go.

1.9-3.5

purity is the one thing we have. we can not let anyone take it away from us. you must guard it.

sex is only for marriage it is not a sport. only date someone if you know that you can marry them and that you are ready to.

there's a valuing of each other!!

NOT JUST AN INFATUATION!

you both must have this respect for one another. you can not take your wants and put them in front of their purity.

vs. 9 'To me, my darling, you are like My mare among the chariots of Pharaoh.'

pharaoh was the only one who could have this mare. it was pure white.

vs. 13 'My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh Which lies all night between my breasts.'

this pouch represented her. the smell was 'her' it was part of her identity. you knew it was her when she walked by because of this.

they went to a romantic place, which also was a public place. they were not hiding their relationship. you can not hide it!

2.2-3 'Like a lily among the thorns, So is my darling among the maidens. Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, So is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down. And his fruit was sweet to my taste.'

lilies and apples were rare to them. so she is stating how rare he is.

we need to be able to say 'i feel secure. i feel valued with him.' there needs to be no fear about this relationship. you need to be able to define the relationship. for yourselves and for others.

vs. 4 'He has brought me to his banquet hall, And his banner over me is love.'

the kings then would have a banner. it would fly behind them. and everything that was beneath it was his. so he is claiming her with his love.

you are going to desire more of them. there's going to be a growing sense of passion. so we must stay pure. 'don't do anything with them that you wouldn't do with your brother/sister'

vs. 5 'sustain me with raisin cakes, Refresh me with apples, Because I am lovesick.'

raisincakes were the viagra of the day.

she likes him a lot and wants to be with him more intimately.

IT IS NOT WRONG TO HAVE THESE FEELINGS... but THE TIME HAS TO BE RIGHT!

a Godly relationship is defined with purity.

2.7 & 3.5 ' I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the hind of the field, That you do not arouse or awaken my love Until she please.'

don't go further until you are married.

you must not value your sexual desires more than them.

ephesians 5.25-27 'Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.'

because he poured out his love for us we can honor them and guard the purity of the them.

as before go listen to the actual message. you can download it at kalehouston.com

solomon is delicious!

been a ruff week so i'm finally updating. i will update on that in a minute. but first lets talk about sex baby.
the new series at kaleo is what's between the sheets. it's beyond amazing. this first week was attraction:
so i will go through notes and thoughts and some how hopefully give a good summary...
song of solomon is a book of 2 peoples relationship
1.1-8
you can not make a 'spiritual compartment' for your life. it is your life! you can not separate it.
there are two parts of attraction. the physical and the inner.

physical:
as the woman is describing solomon to us she pretty much states 'solomon looks delicious' for a physical attraction we will use all of our senses as much as we can to be attracted to them. there's a right timing and context for everything throughout song of solomon. so all that she is telling us is at the right time.
there is no 'talking' phase. you just have to trust God and go for it almost if you feel this is what He wants you to do.

inner:
vs. 3 says 'Your oils have a pleasing fragrance, Your name is like purified oil; Therefore the maidens love you.' their name represented who they were. it represented their character. and purified oil was the 1st press of oil and was taking directly to the temple. it was 'holy'
you need to ask 3 questions.
1 who are they under pressure?
this was how you are able to define their integrity. as for you they may hide this because they are attracted to you in some sense so it may not show. it will find it's way out. and it may be directed towards you... you need to know how they will react.
2 what do other people think?
this will tell their reputation. would you like to be with someone with this reputation? it should be a privilege to be with them.
would it be an honor to be asked out by him?
would you bring them to church. would you be proud to bring them home to mom.
why date someone you wouldn't marry. this is the whole point of dating! if you just date around and what not this is what will build your reputation. if you hold out this will build your reputation. how do you want to be known.
3 what do they think of themselves?
this is their humble confidence. do they respect themselves. do they think highly of themselves.
vs. 5-6 says 'I am black but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, Like the tents of Kedar, Like the curtains of Solomon, Do not stare at me because I am swarthy, For the sun has burned me. My mother's sons were angry with me; They made me caretaker of the vineyards, But I have not taken care of my own vineyard.'
she is ok with the way that she is even though it's not what society wants. she has put herself aside in order to take care of her family. she has been submissive to her brothers. She then goes on to pretty much to state that she wants to hang out with solomon and get to know him and have a relationship. but not sexually. she will not compromise herself. she's going to stand firm in what she believes and feels is right.
character is the root of true attraction.
then bill went on to close it with 1 peter 2.24-25
if you want to here more or i missed something you can go to kaleohouston.com and download the audio.