getting ready for it.

once again. as it tends to be played out over the past few months. i'm being nudged to update.

well my birthday is in a week. it's all starting to become more real that i'm going to be 21. i'm starting to feel young again. not that i'm going to go out and do anything but that i'm being brought back to reality. not that i think i'm older or anything but because of the people i'm around constantly and because of how my state of mind is so far ahead of those my age i find it easy to forget my age often. but yet i know my age but don't think of myself as a certain age. i'm just there feeling my intellectuality. (no i'm not saying i'm not trying to sound snobby.) but anyways. as i was saying, everyone lately has started mentioning it. by that i mean the past 3 days. i'm actually excited about this birthday. i feel it'll be the one i've been waiting for since i was seven. (you'd have to know all of my past to understand this)

i wish you'd write.

but yes as for my birthday on a more thoughtless conversation. i've been asked about 50 times where i'd like to go for dinner or what i'd like to do. i have no clue. i want it to be something casual, yet a more sit down place, yet decently priced (i don't like others paying), somewhere we can all talk but still be goofy. and of course something yummy. oh and possibly a good dessert selection. and in case you think i'm oh so picky and stubborn for whatever reason or snobby for working in a restaurant: due to my 'wants' for my choice. you're wrong. it's because im having two families go and i want everyone to be happy and i think that'd do it.

p.s. am i in checkmate or just check?

cotton candy rock candy and chocolate covered sunflower seeds.

you have stolen my heart. the worst part of it all is that you have no idea. it seems as though all of these magnificent things were happening and then just bam; it all seems to have ended. just like that.

nothing.

nothing left to say. or know what to do. how to feel.

just nothing.

please don't misconstrue this as some ballad of depression either. i just feel it all today and am a little down. tomorrow is a new day and i'll be fine. or though it seems to go.

today i looked back at some things...

'stolen', 'her', 'untitled', 'labeled', etc.

all to think of it. well not really to think of it, more it happened and i thought of it because of that. 

side note: cotton candy rock candy mixed with chocolate covered sunflowers seeds is quite delicious.

now to get my train of thought back... i'm not really to sure where i was going with that.

tonight i feel alone. not that 'i'm alone in this world and that no one feels how i do' alone but more 'i'm not sure how i could handle to be around people right now' alone. if that makes any sense to anyone else out there.

i was so open and honest for once.

blah.

take care of my heart until you give it back. [although if you'd like to keep it i'm willing to give it, i think.]

take it as is.

there are those days when i'm just going to be quiet. not for any reason in particular. just because. no one had to do anything. nothing had to be done. it's just how it is. i may be tired of it just for what it is. not because something had to happen in order for me to say it or feel that way.

wishing that when i close my eyes and wish that when i open them it all will really be happening.

not sure it ever will.

a week and two days before i fly out.

i need it.

if only it were mine to hold.

a few have been questioning as to why i haven't and when i'll update. some have just plain inquired. well here it is.

it's all i got.

she wore blue jeans and a rosary. she believed in God and believed in me.

i've been trying not to show and no one has seem to catch on yet i feel this will change it and not sure i want to yet i've got to be honest. i've been really down the past few days. and i mean really down. since thursday. trust me i have definitely had quite a few great, exciting moments yet overall just down. emotionally. blah.

things didn't go as i had assumed. yet we all know what that does. which is fine and all. in the end, it had changed. i don't think it was exactly what some wanted. i think it is the best they can do though. i appreciate the effort that is being made. although i'm not sure that what i would like will happen. not for any reasons that you could have prevented. i love you. you are the first in my life. i promise. yet it just sucks on certain days. you know. and blah.

jennifer is engaged. she will soon be mrs. leonardo rosa. i'm so happy for her. leo is a fantastic gentleman. and i'm pleased to call him my brother-in-law. he's so beyond amazing that this whole week he'll be fasting for their relationship. that takes a man of God in order to do that. it still astonishes me what all the Lord has done. i'm beyond grateful. my baby sister is getting married!

this is enough for tonight.

i just wish that when i am on my knees praying there would be someone there to hold my hand with me.

tonight please.

i really ought to be sleeping right now. i have a long day tomorrow and i really wanted to get a head start so i can hopefully finish up some extra stuff. along with the fact that ay is back tomorrow and i'm so ready to catch up and just yeah.

questions being replayed in my head.

'just wondering'

argh.

yeah right. i would highly doubt that would happen. it'd be great if it did yet i highly doubt it.

one more week.

blah.

tonight it's not really insomnia. it's that i can't get you out of my mind. i keep thinking, obviously far to much.

so i'm sitting here just watching scrubs.

God,

please grant me peace and rest tonight.

oh and would you please mind taking away this pain i'm feeling tonight. i've been tossing and turning and it just hurts so bad.

thanks.

blah.

ah.

you're down today.

i'm trying to be as helpful as i can.

be that voice of comfort.

i know i'm not. or feel as if i'm not.

the sad part is all i want to do is hide under the covers.

yet i want you to feel better.

i just.

ugh.

never mind.

i'm willing to take this risk...

take it with me?

'hey personal question don't have to answer: but what is it about me u find attractive?'

'physically or emotionally?'

'both.'

'okay. physically. you have some amazing eyes that seem to say something more than your words could every express and they intrigue me, your smile is this elegant charm you have, you hold yourself up very confidently. i also like the way you have your hair and facial hair. emotionally. no matter if you are around or not, whenever i see you, hear your name, your voice anything it makes me smile. you make me feel comfortable to be around you. you always have. you're very smart. not afraid to take a risk yet have more of a heart than you let on. you're very protective and honest. you have this strong confidence about you. yet are so mysterious. you make me laugh. you also make my mind go crazy and i strive to make everything just right because i feel you deserve something more.'

past. present. future.

yesterday was a day filled with things from the past.

i was actually somehow able to escape work four hours early yesterday. laurie and i somehow managed to finish everything. so that was nice. after that mami and i decided to go eat at applebee's. she had never been. after there we went to lifeway so i could get the toby mac live dvd/cd. my family and i had gone to the concert so i was curious to see it. after that we went to ritter's! i had a chocolate chip cookie dough glacier and mami had a scoop of chocolate. it was so yummy. then after this we went over to my mum's. which actually was a quite delightful experience surprisingly enough. i also learned some very interesting information. which is quite exciting. so my mum and i now have a date friday night to go shopping. my younger siblings may join along which would be nice. after this all we headed back to spring branch for dinner.

along the car ride i started getting a lot of texts...

one being from donny. he wanted to go to the movies and was curious if i had seen his house yet. well i haven't seen donny in about a year now. so no. but we were having dinner at the house so we invited him over. he said yes but ended up not coming.

two being from mike kelly about some stuff at work.

three being from brandon. he wanted to talk to me about certain things that i'm all still a little lost about and not really sure exactly what all to say. all i know is that i'm leaving it all up to God.

four being from christopher. we were just talking about what happened in our days and about all these crazy texts i was getting all at the same time. it was a little out of control. haha. but yes. this was the conversation that i had needed to be having at this time. so that was nice.

today i woke up to a message from a friend who will be moving here friday. they just finished their last night of being a flight paramedic at 1 o'clock am. it's all still astonishing to me.

today, i have the day off. i'm excited. i need it right about now. i have 32 days until i fly off to buffalo. my creature will be there. i'm ready to be in that line departing the plane to hurry from gate 11 to the front of the buffalo niagra international airport to be in the arms of my creature, my mimi, my little lili, and my uncle raymond. oh how i need to be back home to get away from this city for a little while. i may go insane one of these days if it doesn't come soon enough. four more weeks.

yet prior to this... this weekend will be all eventful and what not. in two weeks though.... the fourth of july weekend desi will be coming, along with her grandfather will be coming, along with christopher will coming as well! it's all so exciting and crazy. i can't wait to meet desi's grandfather. she loves this man so much. i hear amazing things about him all the time and am excited to be meeting him. and as always i'm overjoyed to have desi coming home. i go a little stir crazy without her. you know how we are. and once again if you don't, it's probably better that way. hehe. then chris. i just can't wait. i just pray that people will realize things and give a chance. you know me better than that. i promise you. you know how i am. i love you but please for me.

so now for today...

let me start it.

(i know, i don't know what's wrong with me. it's not my usual writing style. for those of you that like that i'm sorry. for those of you that don't, hopefully this was better)

mr. tea man.

i miss you.

come back already.

a week is to long.

i thought you were here for one more day before you left.

and you left with my girls... who i didn't get to say bye to either.

you better bring them when you get back.

oh by the way we only need 300 more. technically 200 for your goal but 300 to prove you wrong.

i love you mister tea man.

hurry up and come back.

oh the 100 top went well.

yes i know two mr... posts in a row but this is austin's new name and you know i got to go with it.

mr. entertainer.

so tonight i worked for this girl ana at work because supposedly she had to go out of town and needed to finish up some stuff for her recent divorce. well one of the other host tonight was talking about how she didn't know if she was going to go meet up with ana and them. well after a little of discussion i found out that she was out partying with some friends. this not only frustrated me because i had done this girl a favor but she also had me pick up about three other shifts for her after tonight and about 4 recently prior to this evening. i wouldn't have minded had i know the truth or just been asked to work but when you give me a sob story and lie to me it really irritates me. so ugh. yeah.

anywho. tonight one of our regulars had come in. when i was leaving his slightly intoxicated self, his intoxicated friend who should not be served anymore and myself had a interesting conversation on multiple levels. although there were many different things that were said that have stuck out in my mind.

i have known this regular for about 2.5 years now. he's an interesting character. he is a multi-millionaire who does music, flowers, etc. he knows the industry. one of the first things he'll make sure you know about him is that he's black. please don't take that as anything it should not be. he's very well educated and has made a goal for himself and has achieved it and he wants the world to know he is from the 'stereotypical black family' and to look at him. he's no drug dealer or any of the sort. he's been a body guard for multiple celebrities, politicians, etc. he's just very well rounded in what he does.

he's 43. he'll come in right after shows and what not wearing his fedora or not with his suit on and looking all 'pimped out' as he would say then other days he'll come in with his fedora or cap with his 'disney tee' and jeans. smoking his black miles. 

he is quite a gentleman. yet knows the words to make it all perfect far to well. he has 2 sons and a daughter. whom he loves more than anything else in this world. his mother is 79 and he calls her every day.

oh boy does he love to tell you stories. there are days where he'll be talking to me for over an hour. tonight it only went on for about 40 minutes.

he's sitting on the wooden bench facing the walkway next to the ash can with his leg crossed wearing his fedora, disney land tee with multiple spots of sweat that used to be covered by a pinstriped button down and his pinstriped slacks because he finished a show just prior to coming. he saw me about to leave and called me over to welcome me with a hug and to introduce me to his friend. (he's already tried to hook me up with one of his sons so i was a little nervous about being introduced). all went well though.

'emily, when you get a man who looks at you from here to here, because from here down that'll always be magnificent but from here to here that's when you know you've got them. when they actually listen.'

'emily, i want you to look at me and listen. i want you to listen very well. emily, you are quiet and you listen, a man will give you everything. when they know you are there for them they'll give you the world. that's all we are here for baby is to give you what you want. but we have got to know that you are here for us. not like all these girls that once you put it down it's all over and they leave you. you don't give them anything until they listen to you.'

after finding out i was colorblind all the questions came. as usual.

'you just made me want to take something. i don't even do drugs but i feel that i need to be tripped out and hopefully see the world in your eyes.'

it burns.

i kept rearranging what i was about to put here.

none of it seems good enough tonight.

nothing seems good enough tonight.

not even myself.

i know i'm worthy of more in God's eyes.

i always will be.

just certain people can get to me.

i played it off well though.

no one knew.

or maybe everyone did and i was the only one who didn't know that.

oh by the way did i answer that question correctly?

the sound in your voice was not what i expected.

i'm doing the best i can.

all that i know how to do.

i'm sorry i will never reach that standard that is set.

it's unattainable.

for anyone.

i cannot do anymore tonight.

what else to say when you're lost for words.

forgive me because i'm not used to this.

nor do i understand it really.

well at least when it comes to me.

yet doesn't that seem to always be the way.

i want to keep a conversation going because i just want to keep talking to them but sometimes the only word that could possibly come to mind is blah. what is blah going to do? will the reception of that be taken correctly? what if the response is what? then what do you say? so i sit here thinking of things that i could possibly say yet keep thinking that they are not good enough. then remind myself it doesn't matter because it's 00.03. then i think of a thousand other things.

one. what do i do?

two. you're to far away.

three. yes, i know. even if you were here you'd probably still be to far away.

four. please be patient.

five. when you walk out of the room, i wish you hadn't.

six. no matter what, you're amazing.

seven. i'm afraid.

yeah... just a brief look into what's going on up there. not that i can completely make sense of it all myself. much less expect anyone else to. 

just sitting here thinking.

once again.

probably to much.

i need some guidance.

just me and my...

let me start by saying father's day sucks.

well when your dad is not here.

then your 'adopted' dad is working.

and well so are you. what else is new.

michael louis duffy is my father.

he's the only man i've always had full faith and trusted no matter what.

one wise person once told me that you should never trust a man when they say trust me. and believe me i completely understand. there are very few times when they say trust me and you can. you just have to know when. every time my father said trust me. without a blink of an eye i didn't have to think about whether i would or not. i did. plain and simple. no if, and or buts about it. 

many will tell you how my father was not there for me or how he doesn't care and never will or that he's an addict and always will be so that's just him and that i need to get used to it or that he'll never change or that he doesn't have the heart i think he does or that he doesn't know how to be a dad or so much more. well let me tell you. he was, is and will be a better father than half of them out there. yes, i admit he may not have always made the best decisions but guess what neither did my mum or myself or anyone for that matter. yes, there are a thousand things i could think of that he 'could' or 'should' have done but that doesn't matter. i would only change one thing about what he did.

just have held me in his arms longer.

i have an amazing best friend.

i love you desi.

her family has graciously welcomed me as part of their family.

so daddy and i both worked today. so i got to see him before i left for a little bit. he should be home from work soon yet i feel as though i will fall asleep before he arrives. so i left his cards and present underneath the only light on for him to see.

thank-you.

he would have shot him. he would have shredded him with his bare hands. he would have put some nice slices and holes into him. why does no one get that except me?

i wish he would have said yes. but i'll deal.

i'll survive.

all day today all of the conversations have been repeatively playing back in my head. to what each of us were doing at that moment. to the visions of what i was doing and thinking while walking to tell him about it. to those moments where he held me in his arms and told me how grateful he is to be my father. and how i thought if the addiction had not consumed him, how would it all be? yet know that somehow, someway, this is the better way. this is how it should be.

thank-you for being there for me today and helping to get me through it all. i may have broken down without your words. you are amazing. no matter what you say. yes i'm still thinking it

oh and i'll always be his cinderella.

i'm no superman.

i'm just really lost and utterly confused.

if it were only simple.

[it never will be]

the yankees won last night 2-1 then again 8-4. one more game against the stros tomorrow. yet regardless of how that goes we won the series. i'm completely stoked because first and foremost we've been doing a lot better lately. thank God, i had not known what was getting into them. second. i've been getting put down by everyone the past few weeks about how the stros were going to win and how much the yankees suck and etc. yet now you see the standings!

i'm in love.

with a baseball team.

sadly that's my life.

i'm just. 

yeah.

just yeah.

i can't do this on my own.

will you be there?

oh stephen called today.

look up.

let me just say, opening sentences are the worst.

it's the same as when you pick up a book. if you do not draw someone in on the first sentence then the reader may not continue on. although as any reader knows a great book only gets better as you read on. just give it a try.

p.s. the last sentence is usually the best.

there are a thousand and three things on my mind right now. i've been trying to get them out. trying to word things. etc. been having a few emotionally rough days the past few. there's definitely been a few great parts in each one but overall just been having a hard time.

there are two main things on my mind though.

first and foremost my father. here we are past the 'deadline' and i have not heard from him in awhile. we've been missing each others phone calls. neither of us like leaving messages so i have not heard his voice in far to long. it's been getting really rough on me. i think that is what started this 'hard time' as some may say. manman is the closest thing i have right now. i would do anything right now to be in his arms and here his voice. i just want my daddy.

blah.

saturday i started my journey around texas.

keith's show went great. although my mind was not completely there. i also was able to meet his wife for the first time. she's amazing.

some other things also happened this weekend.

my mind is still not to straight for what all i would like to get out.

i'll do my best as always.

okay well lets see. i'm watching nashville star because i'm a loser. well anyways there are actually some good singers. this one girl is pretty much astonishing. she sang colby calait's bubbly. yeah. just yeah.

did i do something i shouldn't have? well at least not yet? was i to quiet? should i not have let everything affected me as much... or at least not let it have shown? no then i wouldn't have been honest. it needs to be seen. i suppose. did i screw up or is it just me. ah. is there anything to screw up. what is this anyways? i'm just not used to it.

you need to keep looking because once those shades are taken off you may see a whole other world you never even knew existed. it's the one they live in and the one you can see in their eyes.

each time i hear that sound i'm quickly looking to see whose name may appear.

hoping that i did not mess with something i shouldn't have.

am i pulling away. i'm trying so hard to not do what i always do. i'm trying to let someone in. on my terms. not the ones where i feel obligated by someone else to. yet i'm constantly trying to remember now but then i feel as though i'm doing it again or that i'm trying to hard.

Lord don't allow me to fail at this. unless it's not your will of course. be the one to guide me please. i'm struggling and i need Your hand. here i am on my knees saying i can't do this. let it be You who is guiding me and not my selfish ways. please give me a peace of mind tonight. it's everywhere and i need the rest and strength. please i pray.

now to put one foot in front of the other.

goodnight you.

just for now.

i'm exhausted.

my face is ruined for the time being. in laurie's words 'emily was beaten by an oompa loompa today.'

blah.

i want sleep.

there's a lot been going on.

some are inquiring if they should prepare my funeral. others would like to know if i've finally run away. etc.

no i'm still here. somewhat. a little more insane yet here.

tonight my eyes burn.

but yes i'm here.

i've been at sito's a lot. far to much for my comfort. desi was here the past month so when i was not there it was seeing her. you all know how we are. if not... you are probably better off not knowing. one day i disappeared exclusively to desi and her family just because i needed a get away.

i would like to disappear by myself for a day or two. yet just... yeah.

then there was this weekend.

i have a lot of thoughts about this weekend. let me say it started thursday i started chatting with a old friend. it was quite nice to talk to them again. then friday. friday was an up and down day for me. it was the departure of the desi. i was doing a thousand things at sito's as usual. so her and mami came in to eat before she headed out. well when she came to say goodbye i told her she couldn't talk to me because if she'd talk then she'd say goodbye but if she didn't talk then she couldn't and she couldn't leave without saying goodbye so therefor i was not talking to her. she didn't listen very well and still said goodbye which therefor meant she headed back to san antone. ugh. about 5 minutes later. no jokes. this friend texted me to let me know they'd be coming to houston that evening and be spending the weekend here. this helped take my mind off desi leaving me. (as much as i may sound down and wish desi were here i'm truly glad she's in san antonio. that's where she needs to be right now) anyways they arrived at about 730. i was working for kay that night and it was all hectic. it was... it was fantastic to see them again. this weekend was so wonderful. yet still unsure what to think of it all. i have a thousand thoughts floating through my head constantly. i. yeah i. i uh. just forget it. in other words a lot of things going on and yeah. i wish the answer to all these questions were just there. yet they are not. so much to say but i need to rest my eyes and my face hurts. i don't want to take more meds. please do not make me.

p.s. today manda stole on old person and ran away from me so i wouldn't put them in my closet.

smiling in someone's amazement.

something from the past.

mixture of undefined emotions.

just in awe.

smiling.

just not sure...

well i was going to write but i'm being told i need to try to get sleep. ugh. i suppose.

blah to it all.

lets see if i can actually do this this time.

someone once told me that sometimes i seem depressed or sad when i write. not that it offended me by any means. i do realize that. i say how i feel. i know how it must come across. which i realize at times that is the case. yet it has only made me more aware of it. so half the time lately i've wanted a more upbeat post. i've realized i'm just not ready for one yet. so to those of you that may read this and think i'm depressed. no i'm not. i'm having the time of my life yet i'm struggling some and this is what i want to get off right now and i'll write upbeat later. once again i really don't mind what was said and please i hope you don't feel that i was saying it or changing something because i felt bad about it. i don't want it to come across in that manner.

so much is going on. i'm getting overwhelmed. yeah what else is new. the fact that it's now been 3months. it's such crap. i am so exhausted all the time lately. you wrist is almost completely healed. please stop 'milking' this as you said you should. it's time to grow up. your 30. it's killing my body physically. and now with cinco de mayo, mother's day, and graduations - memorial day weekend. i'm not getting a long and well needed and deserved break for another month and the hours will be insane as they have been the past few months. the attitude is irritating. he's beyond great and i just can't comprehend how he deals with you at times. you and i are some of the greatest friends yet i couldn't do all he does.

no connection.
it's all just blah.
one day without. i feel as if i did something wrong yet i know i have not and it's okay that i did not. but it's just the way the cultural has made it out to be.

i'm exhausted. i'll finish later.

prayer for 27.

opening day.
the last at the house ruth built.
been praying hard.
asking the babe to say a prayer.
asking grandpa jake to say a prayer.
asking everyone here to say a prayer.
postponed.
let us try that again.
Lord shed his grace.
yankees.3
toronto.2

this season will be just fine.
Lord,
i have faith.

it's the wrong saturday. someone should have known.

i'm ready for it to be tomorrow.
date with my kids! i am crazy without them.
i'm missing my desi and my ames.
much less everyone else as well.
i'm ready for it to be the following saturday.

smash.

a whole whirlwind of emotions and feelings that i can't understand.
i'll explain later.
if i feel i can.

counting back from 3...2...NO!

i've only written this about a hundred times but keep hitting delete.
i'll try again.
i wish i were as okay with this as i said i would be.
it's going to be extremely hard but i'm willing to do it.
the most amazing part of it all is the friendship but the feeling of more was/is great.
18.
i know it's big.
yet everyone says no it's not. they say yes it's a gap but not that big.
i don't get it.
is it not big because of those involved or is it not big and i feel it is.
i don't think it'll happen but if it changes know that i'd always be there. that nothing would change. it would only grow. i'm willing to be there until the end. that's how it's always been since it all clicked. yes it would be a challenge in ways but i'm more than willing to accept that and take it on with you. there would never be anyone else. i'd be here to follow, to let you lead.

i'm sorry.
this is true though.
i'm here if it changes. which like i said i don't think it will but i'm willing if you are.

i just want to hit delete.

am i failing? please tell me no...

(not because of what i want... but because i can't handle failing... not now.)

the words that still, more than likely, will not come out right.

if you come across this in your research...

as cliche as some of this may sound. which you know i hate that. it's all so true.
i've thought about the best way to say and translate.
so i'm giving it a try.

it started out as this curiosity that i just laughed off. it didn't even seem to cross my mind that something would actually come of it all. it wasn't even an option.
then there were multiple times where we'd have an interaction and then the many phone calls that really did not even reflect anything to do with 'us' but we were involved in it. it started to grow. there were a few phone calls where it clicked. i started praying... then there was the 59. (now that i think of it, you drove out of the loop without even a mention of that... without a hesitation either...) yeah. (hadn't thought of that before. that's interesting.) from here was the moment that i started not being able to get you out of my head. (stupid cliche sayings. they seem to ruin all the honesty of it.) it kept deeper. part of it was the newness of it. but i knew it was something that i hadn't felt before. i wasn't sure that i was ready or even okay with what i was feeling. not whether it was right or not but if i was okay with having those feelings.
as i prayed more and more about it i felt or much less i thought i felt that this is what was right and to go with it.

ratatouille.


everything has only grown and obviously gotten more complicated. you know some of what i've been being told. days when i know there will be nothing happening i seem to somehow make myself be okay. yes it sucks but it's not a expectation of anything. i guess. if that makes any sense? like i said, it's only grown. which if you are reading this you're thinking i know...
ugh.
as always i'm being honest.
if it's not okay. i just won't say anything...
it's gotten to the point where i can't stand being away.
you're constantly there.
thoughts come about what would you think of this?, would this ... or this ... be your response?, etc.
sometimes i can't handle it.
there's been days where i'm off and i know that in hours, minutes, whatever it may be we'll be there and i get nervous, i can't stop thinking about it, it hurts to be away sometimes.
it drives me crazy to be away for a few minutes.
such as last night when i ran out i was so nervous of how you were feeling. if you were ok. which i knew you would be but first off because i don't have allergies or sinus, when there is the slightest i may be over cautious because of the ones that i've had to deal with and with being in the restaurant industry with all the precautions we must take... but yeah so i couldn't take it already much less just being away from you.
ugh this sounds so stupid.
i don't know why i'm doing this.
well i guess this is the best i've worded it yet.
ugh.

please ignore these few brief awkward lines.

honestly speaking i don't know if it's my personal feelings or if it's actually what i'm hearing but i'm not sure the decision we made was the right one. i know, i know. i know what you are thinking and what you would say is that it's to big of a deal. which it's a big deal to me. it honestly is. and i think i'm ok with it because what i feel that i'm hearing is 'right' and it could just be me. but i don't think that it is. because that issue concerns me quite a bit as well. but something is making me not see it constantly.

there's one thing that makes me think this is what it is though.
there is one thing that i've prayed to God for years. saying 'Lord, when the time is right and this is him please have him say and do this...'

you have.

ugh. this is ridiculous.
you are going to think i'm insane.

i'm content for now.
but i'm not sure i always will be.

"no tears. not tonight."

p.s. i could be wrong.

jot those thoughts down.

sometimes it hurts.
yet i keep it all going.
no it's probably not what you are thinking it is.
you can ask and you know i'll tell you.
because you are who i trust.

why am i shy?
i don't get shy...

my shoulder is killing me.

time to get hummus for a tea party.
then diaper festival.

you.

i want a child.
not sure i'm ok with stealing one anymore.
i want a family.

drowning.

it's all finally starting to slowly caress me.
it's flooding in.
i can't stop it.
the flood gate is broken.

two things i can't stop thinking about.
i love these things.
you make it so i'm in the middle. so i can see it perfectly while that's where you'd prefer to sit.
putting my head right over your heart and pulling me in.

it hurts again.
this time.
it's an actual cut in.
as those ones i've dreamed about.
i can't handle it.
i'm done.
i'm drowning.

yes there is an actual meaning.

today i read something, i don't think i was supposed to have seen.
or maybe i was.

today i viewed an apartment i like quite a bit. the pricing is a little more than i'd like it to be but for the area and the place it's not bad. i'm considering it. i'm also considering if i'd really like a roommate or just myself. when i think about a few things i think myself. but then other things tell me to have a roommate.

if they were only going generally as well as other thing then it'd be awesome.
ringing.
really?
there was no mention.
just i.
holding on with one hand.
pushing away with the other.
what's your last name?
now with...
books.
alone.

thank you for being.

my diving bell and my butterfly.

the suspicions.
i need you.
oh the soundtrack.

say something.

as much as one would say there is so much going wrong right now i'm ok with most of it. just one thing i'm not ok with. and i'm enjoying life. 8 months and a week and 2 days. wow.

really is that the way you view this?
what has all this been then?
is it really to hide?
or what is it you're hiding from?
maybe that's better.

kjlghjcxhosjzfdghgzsgfj.

icy hot.

now the actual post.

i wore my quicksilver 'sweater' today with my scarf. which i have yet to remove. my hands are cold yet this scarf is actually starting to make the rest of me hot. yet for some reason i've refused to remove it.

i'm falling into the oblivion of something that even i'm not quite sure i know what exactly it is. i would really like to. but yet it's actually quite impossible. for the time being. maybe soon enough.
hopefully.

it's to the point where the indecisiveness has kicked in to the effect that someone is stepping up and taking the leadership. which i'm glad.
yet what?
yeah...

my body has become this tense overloaded stressed out stiffness of pain. my shoulders may as well have a torn rotator cuff again. maybe that's what the one is. that's how it feels. maybe i should go see taegal. eh. but everything i've been trying is not relieving. the one thing i know is that adrenaline flow. that i must continue to say no. but ugh...
yeah...

as i look at it. does it even matter.

ah what is going on?
what was that phone call all about yesterday?
where did that come from?
how do you not know all of this?
i should have told you... yet i know i didn't...
do i regret it? no. well to a degree but not in a bad sense. in the sense that it's become to much a part of me and now i don't know how to handle that. because if you don't remember i'm not good at anything and i will never amount to anything yet that's what has made me something that they've changed what they said.
but still that voice on the other line.
i still don't get it.
you were the one saying those immature things that should have never been stated yet... ugh.

six. come already. please.

p.s. i love you

yea yea the update.

a lot has happened since the last update... seeing it was the day after christmas.
i don't really want to talk about 'christmas with the family' really though. so we'll start with the 27th.
that morning i went into sito's and got so very much accomplished. i was even surprised by myself. i completed laurie and i's list except one thing which was hers anyways. then i started to clean the office because i couldn't handle it. so our half looked great yet i had not gotten to riggle's side but i needed to get out before i went insane. so then from there i stopped by desi's so we could finish exchanging gifts. she got me some earmuffs, a ski hat, and a gift card. then her mom got me a new journal and a gift card. jared came over and we talked for a while. then i left to head over to the studio to meet the potts, the terry, and my dirty little secret for dinner. it was quite enjoyable to be together. it made me smile...
then i headed back to my mum's to vacuum before i went insane and then to leave to head to the airport. well finally half way there i called to let them know to start getting ready so when i got there we could go. well everyone apparently knew for a few hours yet failed to let me know that the flight was delayed and was a possibility my creature and her family may not even arrive that night. oh so frustrating. so i sent google a text to check out flight info. they would only be delayed an hour. i got home and suddenly i was exhausted. i guess everything caught back up to me from the night before. (someone came home... and we watched a movie and talked...) so anyways i somehow found energy and we got them. we returned two creatures and everyone else at about 3.30 am. and we 'crashed' and by that i mean i hid under my sheets.
the 28th. friday.
eyebrows, hobby lobby, and creautres.
came into the studio for a little while as well. daniel my maniel and i stopped on the way home to see if the terry's pottery thing was ready. no! ah!
my sister made this gigantic meal. then didn't shut up so anyone could say anything. then gift exchange.
was having a real rough day with some emotional stuff and went to hide away in my room at about 11 or 11.30. wow.
the 29th. saturday.
i went in to sito's at 6 in order that i could get out early enough so no one had to wait around for me to go to sugarbaby's. it was nice though, austin and i sat around for about an hour getting caught up with each other. it was great. i miss these weekly conversations like this. it's our little tradition we do every saturday but the both of us have been way to busy to sit down and talk. ugh.
so i got out at 11.30. well my mom said they were going to come in for a couple minutes. next thing i know i'm sitting at 404 waiting to order. i wanted to leave! i no longer wanted to be in the recovered factory. ugh.
i finally got a good job.
took me being someone in order to get it.
yet everyday they hear it.
ugh.
headed over to sugarbaby's with a slight detour for starbuck's for my uncle.
the terry came to meet us. so i met him at his house and we walked down together. it was nice. i wasn't able to tell him to much of how friday went over texts. my family was actual quite polite and civil with him. and he was talkative!
from there the terry and two creatures headed to inversion to show michelle jackum's show. so we had another chance to sit and talk! yay. creature and i dropped terry off... and headed to the brandi!!
then we stopped to see if the terry's pottery thing was ready. no! ah!
grocery store with mum.
painted shirts and prepared food.
bed at 4.
the 30th. sunday.
kaleo. got to see ames! needed it.
stopped at a few stores to get last minute things i needed.
called the pottery place. did not unload the kiln yet. ugh.
started the cooking and decorating.
called the pottery place.
ready!
in their hands!
it's really ready!
close in half hour... company in 45 minutes...
has to wait until tomorrow.
shower. finish cooking.
family shows. FINALLY!
the terry is here!
talking.
the potts are here!
gift exchange. i love those kids. and sue. and da jackum.
dinner with lots of conversation with silence from this spot on the oriental rug next to the terry's chair...
for more than one reason.
dessert. talking. etc.
potts leave.
the terry stays although there is so much that he could possibly done instead but chose to stay to watch elf with my family and i.
talking by the bel air.
goodnight.
the 31st. monday.
amanda's bridal shoot.
talking with da jackum.
pottery place.
yes!
it's in my hands!
mason jar with the family.
fell asleep into this oblivious state.
'dinner' with family.
arguing.
studio. with the ames!! the bourells, nichols, marcy marc, tiff, the potts.
the terry came.
(my hands are really cold at the moment... ugh.)
and he opened his pottery! finally!
no ball dropping this year.
first year in 10 years.
no creature.
walking to the car. talking. hugging. decide to see a movie the next day. someones cold...
the 1st. tuesday.
airport.
no more creature...
so sad.
on my way into the studio i get a phone call from the terry letting me know we are meeting him for lunch!
finally after we get ready jackson, dietrich, mason, calista and i head to lupes.
car dancing.
they are closed. head to chuy's.
we win! hehe. those kids.
playing with the terry and i.
it was quite a bit of fun. hehe. ames and e show up with da maleah and malachi.
yay!
lunch time!
ames and e leave to stop by the store on the way to e's parents.
kids play with the terry and i.
meet the terry at his house. then we went to toys r us. no boxers and briefs. ugh. pick up the terry's jacket and fireworks. e's parents house.
we played apples to apples. modestly.
then we headed out to mark's for dinner.
fireworks.
'baby. no! be careful'
so not funny.
'can i jump over it?... what about now?'
NO!
inside to play apples to apples.
hehe.
then the terry and i headed to his house to watch fight club.
yea yea. that movie is interesting.
talking.
bedtime.
the 2nd. wednesday.
sito's.
way to long of a day there.
ames, mason, maleah, and malachi at memorial city. yay!
landry's with the pickerts.
games with the pickerts.
desi started planning her disney fairytale wedding...
headed home to hide under the sheets.

yeah. that's the update of the past week that i've been told to do...