tonight please.

i really ought to be sleeping right now. i have a long day tomorrow and i really wanted to get a head start so i can hopefully finish up some extra stuff. along with the fact that ay is back tomorrow and i'm so ready to catch up and just yeah.

questions being replayed in my head.

'just wondering'

argh.

yeah right. i would highly doubt that would happen. it'd be great if it did yet i highly doubt it.

one more week.

blah.

tonight it's not really insomnia. it's that i can't get you out of my mind. i keep thinking, obviously far to much.

so i'm sitting here just watching scrubs.

God,

please grant me peace and rest tonight.

oh and would you please mind taking away this pain i'm feeling tonight. i've been tossing and turning and it just hurts so bad.

thanks.

blah.

ah.

you're down today.

i'm trying to be as helpful as i can.

be that voice of comfort.

i know i'm not. or feel as if i'm not.

the sad part is all i want to do is hide under the covers.

yet i want you to feel better.

i just.

ugh.

never mind.

i'm willing to take this risk...

take it with me?

'hey personal question don't have to answer: but what is it about me u find attractive?'

'physically or emotionally?'

'both.'

'okay. physically. you have some amazing eyes that seem to say something more than your words could every express and they intrigue me, your smile is this elegant charm you have, you hold yourself up very confidently. i also like the way you have your hair and facial hair. emotionally. no matter if you are around or not, whenever i see you, hear your name, your voice anything it makes me smile. you make me feel comfortable to be around you. you always have. you're very smart. not afraid to take a risk yet have more of a heart than you let on. you're very protective and honest. you have this strong confidence about you. yet are so mysterious. you make me laugh. you also make my mind go crazy and i strive to make everything just right because i feel you deserve something more.'

past. present. future.

yesterday was a day filled with things from the past.

i was actually somehow able to escape work four hours early yesterday. laurie and i somehow managed to finish everything. so that was nice. after that mami and i decided to go eat at applebee's. she had never been. after there we went to lifeway so i could get the toby mac live dvd/cd. my family and i had gone to the concert so i was curious to see it. after that we went to ritter's! i had a chocolate chip cookie dough glacier and mami had a scoop of chocolate. it was so yummy. then after this we went over to my mum's. which actually was a quite delightful experience surprisingly enough. i also learned some very interesting information. which is quite exciting. so my mum and i now have a date friday night to go shopping. my younger siblings may join along which would be nice. after this all we headed back to spring branch for dinner.

along the car ride i started getting a lot of texts...

one being from donny. he wanted to go to the movies and was curious if i had seen his house yet. well i haven't seen donny in about a year now. so no. but we were having dinner at the house so we invited him over. he said yes but ended up not coming.

two being from mike kelly about some stuff at work.

three being from brandon. he wanted to talk to me about certain things that i'm all still a little lost about and not really sure exactly what all to say. all i know is that i'm leaving it all up to God.

four being from christopher. we were just talking about what happened in our days and about all these crazy texts i was getting all at the same time. it was a little out of control. haha. but yes. this was the conversation that i had needed to be having at this time. so that was nice.

today i woke up to a message from a friend who will be moving here friday. they just finished their last night of being a flight paramedic at 1 o'clock am. it's all still astonishing to me.

today, i have the day off. i'm excited. i need it right about now. i have 32 days until i fly off to buffalo. my creature will be there. i'm ready to be in that line departing the plane to hurry from gate 11 to the front of the buffalo niagra international airport to be in the arms of my creature, my mimi, my little lili, and my uncle raymond. oh how i need to be back home to get away from this city for a little while. i may go insane one of these days if it doesn't come soon enough. four more weeks.

yet prior to this... this weekend will be all eventful and what not. in two weeks though.... the fourth of july weekend desi will be coming, along with her grandfather will be coming, along with christopher will coming as well! it's all so exciting and crazy. i can't wait to meet desi's grandfather. she loves this man so much. i hear amazing things about him all the time and am excited to be meeting him. and as always i'm overjoyed to have desi coming home. i go a little stir crazy without her. you know how we are. and once again if you don't, it's probably better that way. hehe. then chris. i just can't wait. i just pray that people will realize things and give a chance. you know me better than that. i promise you. you know how i am. i love you but please for me.

so now for today...

let me start it.

(i know, i don't know what's wrong with me. it's not my usual writing style. for those of you that like that i'm sorry. for those of you that don't, hopefully this was better)

mr. tea man.

i miss you.

come back already.

a week is to long.

i thought you were here for one more day before you left.

and you left with my girls... who i didn't get to say bye to either.

you better bring them when you get back.

oh by the way we only need 300 more. technically 200 for your goal but 300 to prove you wrong.

i love you mister tea man.

hurry up and come back.

oh the 100 top went well.

yes i know two mr... posts in a row but this is austin's new name and you know i got to go with it.

mr. entertainer.

so tonight i worked for this girl ana at work because supposedly she had to go out of town and needed to finish up some stuff for her recent divorce. well one of the other host tonight was talking about how she didn't know if she was going to go meet up with ana and them. well after a little of discussion i found out that she was out partying with some friends. this not only frustrated me because i had done this girl a favor but she also had me pick up about three other shifts for her after tonight and about 4 recently prior to this evening. i wouldn't have minded had i know the truth or just been asked to work but when you give me a sob story and lie to me it really irritates me. so ugh. yeah.

anywho. tonight one of our regulars had come in. when i was leaving his slightly intoxicated self, his intoxicated friend who should not be served anymore and myself had a interesting conversation on multiple levels. although there were many different things that were said that have stuck out in my mind.

i have known this regular for about 2.5 years now. he's an interesting character. he is a multi-millionaire who does music, flowers, etc. he knows the industry. one of the first things he'll make sure you know about him is that he's black. please don't take that as anything it should not be. he's very well educated and has made a goal for himself and has achieved it and he wants the world to know he is from the 'stereotypical black family' and to look at him. he's no drug dealer or any of the sort. he's been a body guard for multiple celebrities, politicians, etc. he's just very well rounded in what he does.

he's 43. he'll come in right after shows and what not wearing his fedora or not with his suit on and looking all 'pimped out' as he would say then other days he'll come in with his fedora or cap with his 'disney tee' and jeans. smoking his black miles. 

he is quite a gentleman. yet knows the words to make it all perfect far to well. he has 2 sons and a daughter. whom he loves more than anything else in this world. his mother is 79 and he calls her every day.

oh boy does he love to tell you stories. there are days where he'll be talking to me for over an hour. tonight it only went on for about 40 minutes.

he's sitting on the wooden bench facing the walkway next to the ash can with his leg crossed wearing his fedora, disney land tee with multiple spots of sweat that used to be covered by a pinstriped button down and his pinstriped slacks because he finished a show just prior to coming. he saw me about to leave and called me over to welcome me with a hug and to introduce me to his friend. (he's already tried to hook me up with one of his sons so i was a little nervous about being introduced). all went well though.

'emily, when you get a man who looks at you from here to here, because from here down that'll always be magnificent but from here to here that's when you know you've got them. when they actually listen.'

'emily, i want you to look at me and listen. i want you to listen very well. emily, you are quiet and you listen, a man will give you everything. when they know you are there for them they'll give you the world. that's all we are here for baby is to give you what you want. but we have got to know that you are here for us. not like all these girls that once you put it down it's all over and they leave you. you don't give them anything until they listen to you.'

after finding out i was colorblind all the questions came. as usual.

'you just made me want to take something. i don't even do drugs but i feel that i need to be tripped out and hopefully see the world in your eyes.'

it burns.

i kept rearranging what i was about to put here.

none of it seems good enough tonight.

nothing seems good enough tonight.

not even myself.

i know i'm worthy of more in God's eyes.

i always will be.

just certain people can get to me.

i played it off well though.

no one knew.

or maybe everyone did and i was the only one who didn't know that.

oh by the way did i answer that question correctly?

the sound in your voice was not what i expected.

i'm doing the best i can.

all that i know how to do.

i'm sorry i will never reach that standard that is set.

it's unattainable.

for anyone.

i cannot do anymore tonight.

what else to say when you're lost for words.

forgive me because i'm not used to this.

nor do i understand it really.

well at least when it comes to me.

yet doesn't that seem to always be the way.

i want to keep a conversation going because i just want to keep talking to them but sometimes the only word that could possibly come to mind is blah. what is blah going to do? will the reception of that be taken correctly? what if the response is what? then what do you say? so i sit here thinking of things that i could possibly say yet keep thinking that they are not good enough. then remind myself it doesn't matter because it's 00.03. then i think of a thousand other things.

one. what do i do?

two. you're to far away.

three. yes, i know. even if you were here you'd probably still be to far away.

four. please be patient.

five. when you walk out of the room, i wish you hadn't.

six. no matter what, you're amazing.

seven. i'm afraid.

yeah... just a brief look into what's going on up there. not that i can completely make sense of it all myself. much less expect anyone else to. 

just sitting here thinking.

once again.

probably to much.

i need some guidance.

just me and my...

let me start by saying father's day sucks.

well when your dad is not here.

then your 'adopted' dad is working.

and well so are you. what else is new.

michael louis duffy is my father.

he's the only man i've always had full faith and trusted no matter what.

one wise person once told me that you should never trust a man when they say trust me. and believe me i completely understand. there are very few times when they say trust me and you can. you just have to know when. every time my father said trust me. without a blink of an eye i didn't have to think about whether i would or not. i did. plain and simple. no if, and or buts about it. 

many will tell you how my father was not there for me or how he doesn't care and never will or that he's an addict and always will be so that's just him and that i need to get used to it or that he'll never change or that he doesn't have the heart i think he does or that he doesn't know how to be a dad or so much more. well let me tell you. he was, is and will be a better father than half of them out there. yes, i admit he may not have always made the best decisions but guess what neither did my mum or myself or anyone for that matter. yes, there are a thousand things i could think of that he 'could' or 'should' have done but that doesn't matter. i would only change one thing about what he did.

just have held me in his arms longer.

i have an amazing best friend.

i love you desi.

her family has graciously welcomed me as part of their family.

so daddy and i both worked today. so i got to see him before i left for a little bit. he should be home from work soon yet i feel as though i will fall asleep before he arrives. so i left his cards and present underneath the only light on for him to see.

thank-you.

he would have shot him. he would have shredded him with his bare hands. he would have put some nice slices and holes into him. why does no one get that except me?

i wish he would have said yes. but i'll deal.

i'll survive.

all day today all of the conversations have been repeatively playing back in my head. to what each of us were doing at that moment. to the visions of what i was doing and thinking while walking to tell him about it. to those moments where he held me in his arms and told me how grateful he is to be my father. and how i thought if the addiction had not consumed him, how would it all be? yet know that somehow, someway, this is the better way. this is how it should be.

thank-you for being there for me today and helping to get me through it all. i may have broken down without your words. you are amazing. no matter what you say. yes i'm still thinking it

oh and i'll always be his cinderella.

i'm no superman.

i'm just really lost and utterly confused.

if it were only simple.

[it never will be]

the yankees won last night 2-1 then again 8-4. one more game against the stros tomorrow. yet regardless of how that goes we won the series. i'm completely stoked because first and foremost we've been doing a lot better lately. thank God, i had not known what was getting into them. second. i've been getting put down by everyone the past few weeks about how the stros were going to win and how much the yankees suck and etc. yet now you see the standings!

i'm in love.

with a baseball team.

sadly that's my life.

i'm just. 

yeah.

just yeah.

i can't do this on my own.

will you be there?

oh stephen called today.

look up.

let me just say, opening sentences are the worst.

it's the same as when you pick up a book. if you do not draw someone in on the first sentence then the reader may not continue on. although as any reader knows a great book only gets better as you read on. just give it a try.

p.s. the last sentence is usually the best.

there are a thousand and three things on my mind right now. i've been trying to get them out. trying to word things. etc. been having a few emotionally rough days the past few. there's definitely been a few great parts in each one but overall just been having a hard time.

there are two main things on my mind though.

first and foremost my father. here we are past the 'deadline' and i have not heard from him in awhile. we've been missing each others phone calls. neither of us like leaving messages so i have not heard his voice in far to long. it's been getting really rough on me. i think that is what started this 'hard time' as some may say. manman is the closest thing i have right now. i would do anything right now to be in his arms and here his voice. i just want my daddy.

blah.

saturday i started my journey around texas.

keith's show went great. although my mind was not completely there. i also was able to meet his wife for the first time. she's amazing.

some other things also happened this weekend.

my mind is still not to straight for what all i would like to get out.

i'll do my best as always.

okay well lets see. i'm watching nashville star because i'm a loser. well anyways there are actually some good singers. this one girl is pretty much astonishing. she sang colby calait's bubbly. yeah. just yeah.

did i do something i shouldn't have? well at least not yet? was i to quiet? should i not have let everything affected me as much... or at least not let it have shown? no then i wouldn't have been honest. it needs to be seen. i suppose. did i screw up or is it just me. ah. is there anything to screw up. what is this anyways? i'm just not used to it.

you need to keep looking because once those shades are taken off you may see a whole other world you never even knew existed. it's the one they live in and the one you can see in their eyes.

each time i hear that sound i'm quickly looking to see whose name may appear.

hoping that i did not mess with something i shouldn't have.

am i pulling away. i'm trying so hard to not do what i always do. i'm trying to let someone in. on my terms. not the ones where i feel obligated by someone else to. yet i'm constantly trying to remember now but then i feel as though i'm doing it again or that i'm trying to hard.

Lord don't allow me to fail at this. unless it's not your will of course. be the one to guide me please. i'm struggling and i need Your hand. here i am on my knees saying i can't do this. let it be You who is guiding me and not my selfish ways. please give me a peace of mind tonight. it's everywhere and i need the rest and strength. please i pray.

now to put one foot in front of the other.

goodnight you.

just for now.

i'm exhausted.

my face is ruined for the time being. in laurie's words 'emily was beaten by an oompa loompa today.'

blah.

i want sleep.

there's a lot been going on.

some are inquiring if they should prepare my funeral. others would like to know if i've finally run away. etc.

no i'm still here. somewhat. a little more insane yet here.

tonight my eyes burn.

but yes i'm here.

i've been at sito's a lot. far to much for my comfort. desi was here the past month so when i was not there it was seeing her. you all know how we are. if not... you are probably better off not knowing. one day i disappeared exclusively to desi and her family just because i needed a get away.

i would like to disappear by myself for a day or two. yet just... yeah.

then there was this weekend.

i have a lot of thoughts about this weekend. let me say it started thursday i started chatting with a old friend. it was quite nice to talk to them again. then friday. friday was an up and down day for me. it was the departure of the desi. i was doing a thousand things at sito's as usual. so her and mami came in to eat before she headed out. well when she came to say goodbye i told her she couldn't talk to me because if she'd talk then she'd say goodbye but if she didn't talk then she couldn't and she couldn't leave without saying goodbye so therefor i was not talking to her. she didn't listen very well and still said goodbye which therefor meant she headed back to san antone. ugh. about 5 minutes later. no jokes. this friend texted me to let me know they'd be coming to houston that evening and be spending the weekend here. this helped take my mind off desi leaving me. (as much as i may sound down and wish desi were here i'm truly glad she's in san antonio. that's where she needs to be right now) anyways they arrived at about 730. i was working for kay that night and it was all hectic. it was... it was fantastic to see them again. this weekend was so wonderful. yet still unsure what to think of it all. i have a thousand thoughts floating through my head constantly. i. yeah i. i uh. just forget it. in other words a lot of things going on and yeah. i wish the answer to all these questions were just there. yet they are not. so much to say but i need to rest my eyes and my face hurts. i don't want to take more meds. please do not make me.

p.s. today manda stole on old person and ran away from me so i wouldn't put them in my closet.