yeahyeah. overunderin...

i was coming to write about how i felt like i had a good day and then i read my last post. i want to cry. cry myself to sleep. wake up in the rain and cry some more. why i feel this i don't know. i don't cry. i hate crying. ugh. what is wrong with me. how can i let my guard down to give him that control. that is what i have to deal with everyday. that disgusts me. had to work all day today but it was ok. where's ryan. he is supposed to be on to talk to me. jerk. i'm wanting to talk to him. today was the first day i saw him since sunday! ugh so long. realistically it's not. but to me and him that's so long. it was good. i had fun. i'll write more later. i can't do this right now.

I FEEL VIOLATED...

my heart skipped a beat. my heart raced so fast it seemed as if it stopped. i seem to have stopped breathing for the past few hours as i sat in that buidling. oh how i want to leave! i'm still having a panic attack.

i need ryan.

2.22

couldn't sleep. once again. i want to run in the rain again. i want to get out of here. just to get away from thinking. me and the sound of my footsteps only. maybe i would play some more soccer too. i'm going to get myself sick this way. but i can not help it. it feels so good. she don't know why... hmmm... that seems to match so many things. i can hear them singing and playing that over and over in my head still. i really like that song. yet it matches so well that i don't know. that big smile. will i ever get it out of my head. 'i would not be able to give you the attention you deserve.' i need the attention but it's almost as if i don't want it. standing here i'm waiting. waiting for you to say ok. waiting for it to all be alright. waiting for that hand to hold. waiting for that person that will help me. and hopefully help me get past things. i'm waiting and it is hurting to. i just... ahhhh i can't do this.

yo le odio. y odio lo que usted ha hecho a mí y hace todavía a mí.

i feel awful. today was horrible. why? why this way? why that stare and glare? why do i feel like it went further into me? those whispers. ahh. i hate this. everything about it. i couldn't concentrate on anything the whole day due to this. THIS IS NOT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE OR GO!!!!!!!!
how come it hurts me so. how come i can't seem to let it go by. how come i choose to acknowledge it for everything that it really is rather than putting it to the side.
screaming boggled unspoken eyes that seem to tell it all but hide it so well.

behind closed doors.

feeling pretty down. what else is new. ahh so much is slipping away from me for reasons i do not know. maybe it's better this way. and as i run. yes i'm running away, once again. it seems to keep blocking me by hitting me right in the face and stopping me and causing me to change directions to only get blocked off by another wall of hearing it in a different way once again. how can i resolve this. how can i move on from this. how can anyone. yet they are and i can't seem to. i can't even seem to speak about it. to anyone. yet one person knows. and that person was the right one to know. i think. but i need help. real help. but how come i can't get it. ¿seré jamás yo capaz de estar detrás de un cerró puerta otra vez? i'm being forced to. although i know i can't do this alone. AHHH!!! i feel like i'm screaming in a empty sound proof box. ugh. i'm disgusting myself.

hollywood and fortune cookies...

i got off of work early tonight due to this one kid finished his training and they had him work tonight and asked if i wanted to go and obviously i said yes. i wouldn't have minded so much to stay but i took the choice to go. who knows could be better in the end. my body is physically exhausted from who knows what. i've been wanting to have a picnic. maybe lauren and i can get together monday and do so. hopefully nicole could come as well and that other best friend of mine. ryan. i also would like the retzloff's to be there. that would be quite pleasant. i will have to talk to them about that. yay! friends and picnics. i ate pizza today! it tasted good!!!! (a few of you will understand that that is wonderful) i thought a lot today as usual. but it was more good thoughts than usual. it was nice. i'm hoping to get together with a friend soon to have our Bible study ;) hopefully you know who you are... i know i need someone to talk to about stuff and i really need to tell her something that hopefully she will have some advice for and i'm sure she would like a friend to talk to as well. i miss her. i've been meaning to call her and talk with her a lot lately but then i will get busy or lost in thought. can't be to good. hollywood. ugh. why is it not working? maybe because it is not supposed to or maybe i need to be more patient or maybe i just need to do it already. or is that wrong. i keep repeating that moment over and over in my head. would i really do it if i had the chance to? deseo que pueda decir que hago.

permite tener un partido de chaparrón. regue los partidos.

i want to get up and go. just get out of here. go somewhere. even just for the night. i really could care less about sleeping tonight. i could survive tomorrow without it. i do it almost every other night. today the wall appealed to me. yet i refused. was good in the end. anywho. i can't the song 'over my head' by the fray out of my head. wow. didn't mean for it to come out that way. wish i could. maybe i will in a few weeks or something. wishing i would receive that phone call or something. although here i sit and this could be why. so many issues now. don't know what to do. don't know how much longer i can be patient. i want to scream.

trying to breathe...

ugh. i'm so stressed. i'm tired of it and try to stop yet i can't. i just want to be at work already so i can see ryan to make me smile. i need it right now. i get to see nick for a little while today too. so that will be good. ryan and i might do something tonight. i really hope we do. i don't know if i could stand thinking much longer. speaking of i need to make a few phone calls, searches for that.

hoping today goes by faster...

desear yo podría tener el valor para hacerlo...

i was talking to shannon today and she was asking me about my last post and i realized that i had wrote it a while ago and should probably update. a lot has been going on. i am so tired an worn out. i've been thinking way to much probably but i can't seem to stop. it's not even helping. ryan is being awesome though and giving the best advice he can and try to keep my mind off of things. i wish i could forget some of these things and i think i would be able to function more but i don't know if it would really help. i've been working and being driven insane by that lately except for the past few days were not as bad as the past few weeks. i've also been hanging out with my friend nicole! oh she's so awesome. i love her. i'm really happy i can have that friendship. i can tell it will last. she makes me smile. then we've also been hanging out with nick. yay! that has been fun. he's such a gentlemen and he's so fun to be around. he's been making me smile when i needed it most as well. we might be hanging out together tonight so that will be fun if we do. i'm watching never been kissed on tv. i love this movie. i haven't seen it in a long time. 'do i want to be crunched? by guy? OH YEAH!!' haha. it makes me smile. i'm excited lauren thinks she might have found the dress. yay! she's getting a lot done now and i'm happy. i'm really in the mood for pizza. maybe sometime this week i will eat some. i'm looking forward to tuesday a lot of stuff is going on and i can't wait. well i'm going to try calling nick.