MY God...

let me just say i love my God. He makes me happy no matter what. He's all i need. and i love him for that. He's just amazing and wow i love Him.

yo me siento incómodo.

it's time to write. i've been so beyond busy lately. i've been sick and feeling awful; finally feeling a lot better but occasionally i get that headache and i still have that choking cough thing whatever it is; i've been working a lot and then i had to flee from the hurricane because it was headed for us and while i fled i got allergic to something and there's no telling what it is because it happened at my aunt's house that i've been to plenty of times, i've never been allergic to anything except for milk when i was little like a midget but really all i was was a small child and then it went away and then i loved milk and now i hate the taste and don't drink it (just some background info on me hehe.) and also my sister's boyfriend was allergic to something there to so i was looking forward to the mini vacation type thing but it didn't happen and that's ok i slept a lot and i need sleep and now i'm back and i've been working everyday except for sunday. that's my new schedule because the one day host quit and her last day was monday and then the other one will be leaving soon to go to dallas with a job he got with dell so soon it will be just me. but anywho my new schedule for now is monday-friday am and saturday pm. so that is definitely going to wear me out. but it won't be to bad i just have to get back into the groove of it. but starting next saturday i will be training one of the other hosts to basically 'run the show' she needs to learn how to take charge and stop goofing off and she'll be good i've already trained her with everything else so she just needs to start acting like she is in charge so that i can have off saturday nights. which that'll be nice. i prefer to only work monday-friday days. recientemente you me siento tan fuera de lugar. i had fun at community group on monday it was rusty and debbie, richard and susie, matthew, me. we all just hung out and watched the football game. the kansas city chiefs and denver broncos. and i learned a lot about football. i understood nothing about it until monday so that was kind of interesting. we were all supposed to cheer for the chiefs though because that is susie's team but they ended up losing. but it was nice to relax and hang out with them. i love them all so much. and then last night after a lot of commotion and running all around lauren and i ate at china bear with rusty and debbie. that was really good. i'm really glad that we went. i felt so bad and i still do we were almost an hour late. for reasons i wish not say but they were nothing we could prevent. that was definitely a relief to be there. then we went to surprise michael because he thought lauren was getting back today and not yesterday. well we kept calling him and he was not answering so we drove by his house to see if he was there and try to figure out what was going on. well he wasn't home so we decided that we would stall at barnes and noble until we could get a hold of him. well we get a call from lauren's mom saying that somebody came by the house and by the time she got to the door she saw michael brown pulling out of the driveway. so we finally get in touch with him and lauren made up this story that it was her neighbors and stuff and it was all good. well finally he calls me and i get to go over there to bring him his 'surprise' lauren had me pick up from the house for him. so we hide the car down the street and i get out and give him this book she had gotten for him and he was all frustrated and you could tell he wanted to go back in the house and go to bed so i'm pushing this conversation so bad and then finally lauren talks and it scared me even because i was expecting her to just walk up and she obviously didn't do that. but he was surprised and it was all good. so that was frustrating at first but it turned out awesome. that was one of our best ones of surprising someone. if you know us you know we like to surprise people. well anywho this weekend i talked to marvin a few times and that was so awesome. i love just talking to him and not thinking that the relationship will go further or not. it's just us at that moment. that's so awesome to not have to expect something from a guy or have them expect something from you or even if that relationship doesn't go anywehre you know that you will still be awesome friends in the end and that's just fine with you. he's awesome. he makes me feel really important and that he's taking time away to talk and have any kind of relationship with me. so he got back from austin yesterday and he had a great time this weekend hanging out at his grandparents house that he never gets to see. so that's good. he enjoyed himself and was able to take that break from stuff that was needed. and we are supposed to hopefully do something tonight together depending on what's going on with his parents plans and stuff. i'm very excited about that one. i'm feeling great right now, and that's all i have to say. tengo mariposas en el estómago que piensa acerca de esta noche.

enferma.

just sitting here not to worried. i'm not really feeling to much about the hurricane. i already felt like crap today. i just haven't been feeling to good lately. my head has been hurting for the past couple of days and it won't go away. i've taken tylenol and everything. i'm just not feeling to great and then i'm finally almost asleep again and my sister gets home and tells me the it's now category 5 and our family is going to san antonio tonight. so everything changed in those couple of seconds. my sister gets home from school crying and thinking that my mom is going to die because she works at tch and doesn't know if she will be staying at the hospital or not yet. my sister is 8 and was crying a lot at school today and when she got home. and me as the big sister. her 'comforter' has nothing to comfort her with except for that it will all be ok and i know that is not enough for her. it makes me feel even emotionally drained. i feel horrible. and just tons of other things that are draining me out lately. i wasn't ready for this is the way to put it i guess. i guess it will be nice to have a couple days off from work and get rid of this sickness thing that i have. i hope everything goes ok and that i'm able to return back to 'life' soon... quiero llorar bajo mi manta, bajo la caída dormida y bajo todo sean idos...

jones cream soda...

i am having an awesome time here at tapioca express by myself. i'm really glad with my choice of vanilla snowball with tapioca. it's really good. i've been able to think about a lot of stuff that's happening in my life right now including those needles that want to flow from my neck to my wrist with that solution goop in my hair. i'm kind of glad i came by myself. it's nice. pero lo que quiero realmente hacer es el grito con la una persona que sé me puede hacer me río. y todo parece ir. i'm in a good mood. i'll write more later.

9.11

today, 4 years ago. have people forgotten? are they to caught up in something? what blinds them from such a tragedy? you think that today would be a day of remembrance. maybe it is because they knew no one in the wtc towers or in the pentagon or in those planes. but don't you think they would still remember or act upon what they remember instead of acting as if it is another day with no significance or meaning. i knew many people in the towers. one was on the 83 floor. (i have his story. if any of you want to read it e-mail me. it is his words not mine. it is written in diary format. it's amazing.) one was on the 106 floor. one was on the 4. one was at the post office at the very bottom (my uncle. but he's a certified nurse and was called to help aid to people. i can tell you his story if you e-mail me. but it's not his words it's the story he told me). one was next door. it makes me so angry that no one is showing the respect that i think these people deserve. many people were killed that day or have been traumatized over it. is this really how our society acts 4 years later after such a huge chaos? my words mean nothing to the way i feel. i can't even put down my thoughts because i can not straighten them out enough to make sense for you to understand. it really hurts the way people are reacting to this day. el llanto parece no hacer nada, pero todo duele todavía tan malo.

stuck

sorry i haven't updated this week to much. i've been wanting to but everytime i get to this spot where i start to write i just turn the computer off. i just don't seem to feel like it anymore when i get to this point for some reason. la vida le enfatiza a veces al grano donde usted sólo quiere correr. no se escapa, corre apenas. i'm so tired. i just seem to have no more energy or emotions for anything else that wants to come. i'll write more and all about this week tomorrow.

deseando que durmiera.

i've been exhausted all week. especially with starting work and all. hopefully i can fall asleep tonight. i feel like i can. and i shall try.

batea, la pelota, y el caucho. y mí.

i got about 2 hours of sleep last night. ugh. i'm going through that time again when i can't sleep. sucks. because i want to sleep so bad so i keep trying and can't go back to sleep and of course i feel so exhausted that i never get up to do anything because all i really want to do is sleep and stop thinking. but then as soon as the sun starts to rise i have all the energy i need. i'm looking forward to working tonight. because my favorite person is there. but then my 'best friend' at work doesn't work saturday nights. ugh. she is the host that works with me in the days. her name's danielle. she's so cool and we get along great. oh well she works with me tomorrow night and that new guy will be there!!! she hasn't seen him yet but i told her all about him. hehe. i really ought to be doing something. i don't have the motivation, want or energy to though. is it really ok to go and sit in that room and talk to that person? even though you know nothing about them? when really all they do is listen to all that you have to say. never really give you advice. then you pay and leave. never really seems to help to much. except for you let it off you're chest. but that doesn't always seem to be enough. i think i need mr. magnet poetry's help on this one. (i hope you get what i'm talking about. that brick is looking more tempting lately... do you get it? write me an email if you want) need advice... i just need a couple more hours to pass quickly and a lot of things shall feel gone. in a way. should i be doing things differently. should i have done things differently. i want to swing that bat and knock the covering off the ball and watch it flap as it barely makes it over the fence as i run the diamond with all my might and letting all of problems bury into the dirt as i trample over them with the metal sticking a hole into them to let all the pressure release and i keep giving it my all in such rampage not knowing if i made it this time or if that ball will be caught and all my problems seem to just mellow and not be so close to gone and i could be relaxed again but instead i have to look forward to that same thing happening but focus so much harder this time on making it over and gone. but i can't. i can't do any of it. i want to be on that mound of dirt to take that rosin bag toss it into the air catch it and toss it over my shoulder to let it lay until i am ready to use it again then i take those 2 steps forward to that white rubber that i so long to stand on again and i get the fastball sign i've been waiting so long to have and i check first base and then i wind up lift my leg take the step towards home as i bring my arm over my head with all my might with those two fingers on the ball i can feel the seam slipping out of them flying towards that catchers sweet spot in his mitt as i bring my other leg forward just in case and then i hear that pop and know i did it last strike and they're out inning over game over problems over. or as i long to be covered in that beautiful hot armor as i finish yelling the count whose on what base and i pull that mask over my face so i can let out any emotion as i squat and am ready for anything to come my way i point my finger in an upside down 'v' and that curve ball starts coming towards me i'm reading for a pop in the glove a foul pop up or a ... sacrifice bunt and here comes that bat and enemy squared to let that ball bounce into my grassy territory and i 'throw' the ball while i truly have it in my glove and that charger comes toward me sliding with cleats high and bam! outta here. game over.

el pensamiento al quiero manejar...

there is no words but tons of emotions... wow! this song really stuck out to me today. it is 'all i can say' by the david crowder band. lyrics:

Lord i'm tired
so tired from walking
and Lord i'm so alone
and Lord the dark
is creeping in
creeping up
to swallow me
i think i'll stop
rest here a while

and didn't You see me cry'n?
and didn't You hear me call Your name?
wasn't it You i gave my heart to?
i wish You'd remember
where you sat it down

chorus:
and this is all that i can say right now
and this is all that i can give

bridge:
i didn't notice You were standing here
i didn't know that
that was You holding me
i didn't notice You were cry'n too
i didn't know that
that was You washing my feet

yeah so wow! i've only heard that song a million times until i finally just was wow! so cool. i just want to go out and do something to get stuff off of my mind. i want to go alone too. but i can't do stuff alone. (yes i can do some stuff but i don't like to) i really need some help sorting out some thoughts right now and i'm having the hardest time and i don't know what to do.
what do you do when someone doesn't call you for almost a week and you are used to talking to or seeing that person every day? they know you backwards and forwards. they know everything about you. but they just don't seem to be there. (no this is not a boyfriend or anything like that)
speaking of boyfriends i met this really awesome guy yesterday. he was in orientation at work yesterday. he's everything on 'my list' (what i want my husband to be... don't ask it's michael) the only thing that i'm not positive about is if he likes baseball. so i'll have to ask him on sunday when i see him. i work with him! he's so cool. and get this he just spent the last 4 years in london because his dad works with an oil company and gets restationed every couple years. how cool is that? so he told me that sometime we'll have to go together!! yay!! that is definitely exciting. i'm so hungry. i haven't eating dinner yet. i just have no incentive to go get some food. i'm lost in my own thoughts. i'm struggling so bad with some of them right now. i keep getting these innocent phone calls from a friend that are actually about something completely different but at the beginning of all of them she'll ask 'so how are things going?' and all i want to do is tell her all my thoughts because i know she'll understand and give me advice but i just can't seem to bring myself to tell her some stuff over the phone i want to see her in person. so i'm just waiting until we hang out or meet or something so i can share with her. i love her. i miss my buffalo too. i miss my mimi. my cap'n rainbow. my homeslice creature. (even though she is in college and a couple hours away.) my lisa. and all the others. i miss the portrait i have and thought that my dad was. the one i wish he was. i guess. my shoulder is killing me. i see the doctor in a week and 1/2. i can't wait. hopefully nothing else is seriously wrong.
i just want to go driving...

thoughts. mainly work.

some nights i just can't sleep... last night i ended up falling asleep at 3. and i woke up a 1/2 hour ago. and all throughout the night i kept waking up constantly. i don't have to be at work until 11 and i woke up at 7.15 today. ugh. oh well. i'm looking forward to today. my favorite person at work is going to be there. and i think my favorite manager said they are going to be there today too but i'm not positive. even if they are not work is always fun. so i don't care. and thursdays are my favorite day at work. (because those 2 people will be there.) see today i really only 'work' (if that's what you want to call it. haha.) from 11-2 and then from 2-2.30 i get ready to do orientation and then from 2.30 to about 5 maybe a little longer i teach all of our new hires in orientation. and most of the time it's just me teaching some times when we have a server moving up to becoming a trainer we have them come in and they assist me so they can 'get prepared'... sure. or one of my managers will just come in for a few minutes just to make sure everything is cool. so it's nice even though i was gone all summer that i've still held this position and i've still held the position of head host. they keep asking me to become a manager and not go into missions. all except for 2 of my managers. my favorite 2. (not because of this reason) they are so cool. all of them. they love me and i love them. i really don't see myself as that great but everybody is telling me 'it's like we gained 3 employees' so that's nice to hear... although it's not true. i'm in such a good mood. and the yankees won last night!!! and that's helping my good mood a lot. i asked one of my friends what they thought of puerto rico the other day and there response was 'what's puerto rico?' so that was quite interesting. wow. i didn't know what to say. this person is a senior this year too. wow. i love puerto rico so much too. that was definitely odd. i want to get some new cds. i love my cds i have but i'm kind of sick of listening to them even though every time i do i enjoy them just as much as any other song. tomorrow my mom has the day off from work and it's the first time in almost a week and then she has to work 6 days again. and i have to work from 11-2 and then i meet with jessica and bill. i'm definitely looking forward to the things i have to do but it's getting in that routine where we don't talk to much anymore. well i suppose i need to go start doing my hair and make-up for work. got to look pretty. yeah whatever...