behind the glass

when i saw the buffalo international airport from out the window and pulled up to gate 11 i knew i was finally back in my home. when we got to the hotel it was right around 2 new york time. once again God is so amazingly awesome. i really don't know if i'm ready to deal with everything today. it's all so scary. and what is my aunt going to look like? will she be ok? what about my cousin? i'm terrified of seeing there faces and not being able to comfort them in the right way. i hate it when i'm so far away from my family and when things like this happen. jennifer kept telling me yesterday 'em do you remember chichi (our aunt) that all she wants for us girls is to meet a guy like uncle bill because they are still in love and how she said she's just waiting for him because she wants to be there when he dies' i tell her yes but she repeats it a lot and i just don't think i'm ready to take on today. i keep praying about it but i'm a nervous reck and i just keep stressing out. i don't really know what to think or even say you know. i'm at a loss for words as i look out at my buffalo and just am happy i'm at home but i'm so terrified to go out behind that glass and that door and face reality. then on top of all of this the trip hasn't been so pleasant with me and jeff which yes it partly my fault but yesterday when i got home and said hi he was very rude since that moment every now and then in front of my mom he'll act completely different and that's how it was at my brothers party too. i hate hypocrites so much. oh i talked to my dad on saturday and he sounded completely awful. i can't stand to hear him like that. it makes me want to cry just thinking about the sound of that frightened voice of trying to let me not hear how bad he really is. and the part that sucks is i don't get to see him until my birthday. and he's not coming to 'my family' (mainly my mom's) birthday party because it would be to awkward which i can understand. i just feel like crap right now. this week has just been completely awful. i'm dreading each day worrying that the next moment is going to be some other bad news. one person can only handle so much. i've given everything back to God and it's not that i think he's taking it away or something but it just hurts. a lot. i'm starting to break down and my brother and i need to hit the buffett he wanted to go to for breakfast. so for now i'll stay behind that glass...