just me and my...

let me start by saying father's day sucks.

well when your dad is not here.

then your 'adopted' dad is working.

and well so are you. what else is new.

michael louis duffy is my father.

he's the only man i've always had full faith and trusted no matter what.

one wise person once told me that you should never trust a man when they say trust me. and believe me i completely understand. there are very few times when they say trust me and you can. you just have to know when. every time my father said trust me. without a blink of an eye i didn't have to think about whether i would or not. i did. plain and simple. no if, and or buts about it. 

many will tell you how my father was not there for me or how he doesn't care and never will or that he's an addict and always will be so that's just him and that i need to get used to it or that he'll never change or that he doesn't have the heart i think he does or that he doesn't know how to be a dad or so much more. well let me tell you. he was, is and will be a better father than half of them out there. yes, i admit he may not have always made the best decisions but guess what neither did my mum or myself or anyone for that matter. yes, there are a thousand things i could think of that he 'could' or 'should' have done but that doesn't matter. i would only change one thing about what he did.

just have held me in his arms longer.

i have an amazing best friend.

i love you desi.

her family has graciously welcomed me as part of their family.

so daddy and i both worked today. so i got to see him before i left for a little bit. he should be home from work soon yet i feel as though i will fall asleep before he arrives. so i left his cards and present underneath the only light on for him to see.

thank-you.

he would have shot him. he would have shredded him with his bare hands. he would have put some nice slices and holes into him. why does no one get that except me?

i wish he would have said yes. but i'll deal.

i'll survive.

all day today all of the conversations have been repeatively playing back in my head. to what each of us were doing at that moment. to the visions of what i was doing and thinking while walking to tell him about it. to those moments where he held me in his arms and told me how grateful he is to be my father. and how i thought if the addiction had not consumed him, how would it all be? yet know that somehow, someway, this is the better way. this is how it should be.

thank-you for being there for me today and helping to get me through it all. i may have broken down without your words. you are amazing. no matter what you say. yes i'm still thinking it

oh and i'll always be his cinderella.

i'm no superman.

i'm just really lost and utterly confused.

if it were only simple.

[it never will be]

the yankees won last night 2-1 then again 8-4. one more game against the stros tomorrow. yet regardless of how that goes we won the series. i'm completely stoked because first and foremost we've been doing a lot better lately. thank God, i had not known what was getting into them. second. i've been getting put down by everyone the past few weeks about how the stros were going to win and how much the yankees suck and etc. yet now you see the standings!

i'm in love.

with a baseball team.

sadly that's my life.

i'm just. 

yeah.

just yeah.

i can't do this on my own.

will you be there?

oh stephen called today.

look up.

let me just say, opening sentences are the worst.

it's the same as when you pick up a book. if you do not draw someone in on the first sentence then the reader may not continue on. although as any reader knows a great book only gets better as you read on. just give it a try.

p.s. the last sentence is usually the best.

there are a thousand and three things on my mind right now. i've been trying to get them out. trying to word things. etc. been having a few emotionally rough days the past few. there's definitely been a few great parts in each one but overall just been having a hard time.

there are two main things on my mind though.

first and foremost my father. here we are past the 'deadline' and i have not heard from him in awhile. we've been missing each others phone calls. neither of us like leaving messages so i have not heard his voice in far to long. it's been getting really rough on me. i think that is what started this 'hard time' as some may say. manman is the closest thing i have right now. i would do anything right now to be in his arms and here his voice. i just want my daddy.

blah.

saturday i started my journey around texas.

keith's show went great. although my mind was not completely there. i also was able to meet his wife for the first time. she's amazing.

some other things also happened this weekend.

my mind is still not to straight for what all i would like to get out.

i'll do my best as always.

okay well lets see. i'm watching nashville star because i'm a loser. well anyways there are actually some good singers. this one girl is pretty much astonishing. she sang colby calait's bubbly. yeah. just yeah.

did i do something i shouldn't have? well at least not yet? was i to quiet? should i not have let everything affected me as much... or at least not let it have shown? no then i wouldn't have been honest. it needs to be seen. i suppose. did i screw up or is it just me. ah. is there anything to screw up. what is this anyways? i'm just not used to it.

you need to keep looking because once those shades are taken off you may see a whole other world you never even knew existed. it's the one they live in and the one you can see in their eyes.

each time i hear that sound i'm quickly looking to see whose name may appear.

hoping that i did not mess with something i shouldn't have.

am i pulling away. i'm trying so hard to not do what i always do. i'm trying to let someone in. on my terms. not the ones where i feel obligated by someone else to. yet i'm constantly trying to remember now but then i feel as though i'm doing it again or that i'm trying to hard.

Lord don't allow me to fail at this. unless it's not your will of course. be the one to guide me please. i'm struggling and i need Your hand. here i am on my knees saying i can't do this. let it be You who is guiding me and not my selfish ways. please give me a peace of mind tonight. it's everywhere and i need the rest and strength. please i pray.

now to put one foot in front of the other.

goodnight you.

just for now.

i'm exhausted.

my face is ruined for the time being. in laurie's words 'emily was beaten by an oompa loompa today.'

blah.

i want sleep.

there's a lot been going on.

some are inquiring if they should prepare my funeral. others would like to know if i've finally run away. etc.

no i'm still here. somewhat. a little more insane yet here.

tonight my eyes burn.

but yes i'm here.

i've been at sito's a lot. far to much for my comfort. desi was here the past month so when i was not there it was seeing her. you all know how we are. if not... you are probably better off not knowing. one day i disappeared exclusively to desi and her family just because i needed a get away.

i would like to disappear by myself for a day or two. yet just... yeah.

then there was this weekend.

i have a lot of thoughts about this weekend. let me say it started thursday i started chatting with a old friend. it was quite nice to talk to them again. then friday. friday was an up and down day for me. it was the departure of the desi. i was doing a thousand things at sito's as usual. so her and mami came in to eat before she headed out. well when she came to say goodbye i told her she couldn't talk to me because if she'd talk then she'd say goodbye but if she didn't talk then she couldn't and she couldn't leave without saying goodbye so therefor i was not talking to her. she didn't listen very well and still said goodbye which therefor meant she headed back to san antone. ugh. about 5 minutes later. no jokes. this friend texted me to let me know they'd be coming to houston that evening and be spending the weekend here. this helped take my mind off desi leaving me. (as much as i may sound down and wish desi were here i'm truly glad she's in san antonio. that's where she needs to be right now) anyways they arrived at about 730. i was working for kay that night and it was all hectic. it was... it was fantastic to see them again. this weekend was so wonderful. yet still unsure what to think of it all. i have a thousand thoughts floating through my head constantly. i. yeah i. i uh. just forget it. in other words a lot of things going on and yeah. i wish the answer to all these questions were just there. yet they are not. so much to say but i need to rest my eyes and my face hurts. i don't want to take more meds. please do not make me.

p.s. today manda stole on old person and ran away from me so i wouldn't put them in my closet.

smiling in someone's amazement.

something from the past.

mixture of undefined emotions.

just in awe.

smiling.

just not sure...

well i was going to write but i'm being told i need to try to get sleep. ugh. i suppose.

blah to it all.

lets see if i can actually do this this time.

someone once told me that sometimes i seem depressed or sad when i write. not that it offended me by any means. i do realize that. i say how i feel. i know how it must come across. which i realize at times that is the case. yet it has only made me more aware of it. so half the time lately i've wanted a more upbeat post. i've realized i'm just not ready for one yet. so to those of you that may read this and think i'm depressed. no i'm not. i'm having the time of my life yet i'm struggling some and this is what i want to get off right now and i'll write upbeat later. once again i really don't mind what was said and please i hope you don't feel that i was saying it or changing something because i felt bad about it. i don't want it to come across in that manner.

so much is going on. i'm getting overwhelmed. yeah what else is new. the fact that it's now been 3months. it's such crap. i am so exhausted all the time lately. you wrist is almost completely healed. please stop 'milking' this as you said you should. it's time to grow up. your 30. it's killing my body physically. and now with cinco de mayo, mother's day, and graduations - memorial day weekend. i'm not getting a long and well needed and deserved break for another month and the hours will be insane as they have been the past few months. the attitude is irritating. he's beyond great and i just can't comprehend how he deals with you at times. you and i are some of the greatest friends yet i couldn't do all he does.

no connection.
it's all just blah.
one day without. i feel as if i did something wrong yet i know i have not and it's okay that i did not. but it's just the way the cultural has made it out to be.

i'm exhausted. i'll finish later.

prayer for 27.

opening day.
the last at the house ruth built.
been praying hard.
asking the babe to say a prayer.
asking grandpa jake to say a prayer.
asking everyone here to say a prayer.
postponed.
let us try that again.
Lord shed his grace.
yankees.3
toronto.2

this season will be just fine.
Lord,
i have faith.