random

well the game is over. we won, 2-0. i love the yankees! everytime i watch their game i get this adrenaline flow. then i get crushed because i think of how i could of made it there if i kept going and maybe i could of been like billy sunday if i kept on going. am i really making the right choices? i definitely hope so. i am so exhausted right now but i can't sleep. i have work tomorrow and i'm excited. i started on tuesday and i was really glad to be back. my friend definitely made the day a lot better as well. they are so awesome. they can make me smile and laugh no matter what kind of mood i'm in. it was nice seeing all of my other friends as well to but this one friend in particular made it even more special. it feels so nice to be back at that place where i know i can really escape from everything. friends and all. even though that may sound bad it's true. it's kind of like getting a break from life for a little bit or something. it never seems to where me out. except for by the end of the shift i just don't want to be standing anymore but if i had to i could. so it's nice. i like going there. well i have this cut right on top of this freckle on my arm and the scab got ripped off today and i think it took part of the freckle with it. if anyone knows let me know. can i get any disease or something weird like that from this? i know this sounds funny but really i think it ripped this line of my freckle of with it. it hurt. so many thoughts... i have a stalker type person... haha. if you want to know about them ask me. i'm not going to post it because i don't know if they read it or not. i'm so in love with the yankees! i'm thinking about taking ballet to get back in shape. if anyone would want to do that with me just let me know. oh got my pictures back from ny yesterday! they are so awesome all 12 rolls! some of them were missing so i'm going to have to check out the negatives and see if they didn't print or if they didn't come out. a couple were a little blurry but that's ok. they kind of look cool that way so that is ok. nm hjbkm. <---- that is a message from my cat. if you know what it means let me know. he's so cute he was sitting here next to me and meowing and then pressed with his paw and that is what came of it. argh. my shoulder is hurting so bad. lately it has been hurting almost constantly, it'll pop a lot, it sounds like it's tearing sometimes, and sometimes i can feel it go out of place and come back in. ugh. gross. luckily i see the doctor soon. i love my doctor he is so good. man God definitely blessed derek jeter. hehe. ask mr brown cow about it, he'll let you know. (michael brown for those of you who were wondering) well i'm going to go to sleep before i have to get up to get ready for work.

yankees. derek jeter. me.

the yankees are playing!! derek jeter is up to bat!! and we are winning 2-0!! the only thing that could be better (here on earth of course) is to be derek jeter's wife and be in safeco field watching him. haha. i wish. write more after the game. it's a good one!

.mis sentimientos.

i feel really good right now even though nothing out of the ordinary is really happening. i just feel... i feel just peaceful and at ease. even though there is so much more that i could be worrying about. i was thinking today i really have a heart for puerto rico. i've always realized it and i've always wanted to be there so badly. it's almost as if i longed for it and then today when i read jessica's post on russia i knew exactly how she was feeling. it spoke so true and real to me. it feels so comforting to think about it. i love the david crowder band! they are so awesome. i feel so at ease right now. i want to go driving around. i don't know where i just want to drive straight and just keep going and see where i end up at. just me and the empty road. nobody else. no other distractions. just peace. calmness. relaxation. new york... how i long to be back there. it's my home and always will be. no matter where i will be i will always consider that my home. that's where i feel the most relaxed. i know that may sound funny but i do. there is this comfort i get when i'm there. even though there is a thousand of problems and things that could be distracting me i'm in a great mood while i'm there. i know this is going to sound weird especially coming from me; i want to cry. tears of sorrow along side those tears of joy. which there seems to be no line right now. which is nice to feel that emotion for once. i may be rambling right now and if i am i'm sorry but this is how i am feeling. words are so amazing. just look at what God blessed us with. you look and see at how many words there are in our language and think that in so many other languages there is another word that is still really the same word. how amazing is that. i was watching harriet the spy this morning. don't ask me why i haven't watched that since i was 12 or 13 but i was. and there was one thing that i did like that they said in there. is that harriet wished she could see everything in the world and write down everything she saw and thought. i wish that were true that we would be able to do that but i know that is impossible. but if there were a compilation of my thoughts i wouldn't know where to look first or where to tell people what to read first. there is way to many and they never seem to be flowing with each other. i wish i were to be able to better describe what i think and feel but i seem to never be able to find the right words or the way to say it out loud it always seems to be stuck in my head for no one else to know except for myself. do you ever feel that way? lost in your own thoughts? no one to tell them to just because you don't seem to have the words to speak. or even sometimes you feel like you have a lack of vocabulary. there is so many wandering thoughts racing through my mind along side the millions of emotions that i'm feeling. i just don't know where to rest my head at. except for that pillow to dream about...

...my buffalo...

i'm back here in houston after a long trip back. i was so busy that i never got to post but i did get the chance to write it down while i was there in my buffalo so here it is:
i’m here in my buffalo. we've been having an awesome time. saturday when we got in we had lunch at anderson's (those of you who know what it is; we didn't get to have the icecream we were to full.) then we came back to my aunt's house and just hung out for awhile until she was done with this function with her church. then we all talked for a while. later on we were going to go to carrabba's for dinner but there wait was to long so we went to this place called tully's! (it's a sports restaurant) so that was really good. the yankees game was already over so i didn't get to see it. we came back home and talked for awhile and then went to bed. sunday we all slept in (this was weird for lauren and i as well as my aunt and cousin (one of them went to church because she's leaving for college on thursday.) because all of us never miss church) for lunch we ate at carrabba's and they sang happy birthday in italian to lauren and i. then we went to my uncle's house; which was good. i didn't get to see two of my cousins because one of them just went to miami for college and the other was working. but we got to talk and we are going to go to the bison's game with them on thursday and then have dinner and then leave to go back to houston. so i'm definitely excited about that because i rarely get to see them. after that visit we came back to the house for a while and then lauren and i went out to show her some of the stuff around tonawanda (one of my old houses (apartments) is over there) so i got to show her some stuff of where i grew up mainly. we went by my airplane park (kenney field), covenant academy (my old school), where my mom's father is just because i wanted to visit his site even though i wasn't born before he left us. then we went and saw some of my stepdad's family. we only stopped by both of his two sibling's families houses that live in buffalo. so it was quick but kind of nice i suppose. (we used to be friend's with the one family before my mom married him so it was nice to see my friend/cousin that is only a month or 2 younger than me. i really like him, we get along great.) then we went to ted's for dinner!!!! (all of you who know me know i love ted's; it's probably my favorite restaurant ever! their hotdogs are the best!!) i love my ted's!!!!! the we stopped by anderson's since the one we went to is right next door to ted's and we brought back ice cream so we could have cake and ice cream (because my aunt and cousins had gotten me a cake for my birthday but we kept being to full to eat it. so we finally did) then we started to watch vanity fair until we all got so tired we had to go to bed and decided we would finish it later this week. monday we were going to go to parkside candy because it is the best candy shop ever and the one of main street serves lunch. but they had an illness and were closed so we went to sweet jenny's which is my sister's favorite candy shop and it's even more special to her because it was my grandma and her spot. so we got some candy and then got jenny's ice cream (owned by the same person; just down the street). then my cousin wanted to get highlight's done so we dropped her off and then took lauren to a nail salon to get her nails done and dropped her off and then my other cousin and i went to dick's (only the best sporting goods store ever. my grandma every birthday would take me to flying tigers (because i got to choose) and then we would go to dick's so i could pick something out (because i got to choose).) and i got a yankees helmet!! it feels so good to be back home in my buffalo and be able to go to everywhere i know and show lauren so she can feel the same way i do about it. hopefully. but i doubt it. then we went to pick lauren up and they screwed up her nails really bad so we have to go back and get them to fix them. then we went to pick my other cousin some starbuck's because she absolutely loves coffee! so we went back to the hair salon to pick her up and sat there for about a 1/2 hour if not longer until her hair lady came out and told us that she had called a friend and left a 1/2 hour ago if not a little bit longer. so we started panicking and freaking out and trying to figure out why she didn't call us and so we tried calling the house to see if my aunt knew anything and the phone wouldn't allow us to call the house. so we started heading home and we see her walking towards the house leaving the parking lot so we all were freaking out yelling where were you?! and so it was crazy but our phones weren't working is all that it was but we all had a hear attack. so we got home and ate our leftovers and all calmed down from our crazy action packed day. then my little cousin, lauren, and i went to the walden galleria. so we spent a couple hours there and i got a bunch of stuff. and then we came home and my uncle just got home not to long before we did (he had drove his mom back to virginia because she's 91 now and can't fly or drive) so that has been exciting having him here. because he was the captain of the caronia and the QE2 and he just retired. so it's been nice seeing him. so we all relaxed and watched a couple shows on the tube and my cousin's friend was over. so that was nice i got to meet one of her friends and look at pictures of their times together. finally we all went to bed. tuesday we got up and got ready. we headed off to walmart to make copies of some of our pictures we wanted to give to others and so my cousin and her friend could get last minute stuff they needed for college. then we came back home and after my aunt got back from getting her hair cut we went to canada!! (where i'm from. haha. not really i was born in town of amherst, new york.) but my cousins, aunt, and uncle went to this play for my cousin for graduating. and lauren and i got to walk around and go shopping at niagara on the lake. so that was definitely exciting. we went to this family restaurant there and the host/busboy was really really cute!! so that was exciting. i tried to get lauren to help me get a picture so i could have it and so i could show jessica but she never got it and we went through so much trouble to get it too. then after there play was over we got some ice cream and then headed towards the falls. so we did a drive by hop- and - roll out of the car! haha just kidding. no my aunt and uncle stopped and we got out so lauren could see niagara falls, and the horseshoe falls while they drove around since parking is around $20. so we had a good time. i had used a full roll on pictures! i've taken so many pictures this trip it's awesome. i have taken about 6 1/2 rolls so far! so lots of develop and obviously pictures will be coming. then they picked us up obviously! ( i also got mark a real maple leaf!) then we came back home and not to long after we got home my stepsister jodi came and picked us up with her boyfriend and we went to duff's (it's a wing place not the originator of the buffalo wings but we hear the anchor bar sucks so we chose to go there and show lauren what the wings taste like here) and then we went back to her house and watched this show they like it's called something like dog: the bounty hunter. so that was interesting. they both like it a lot because they are both private investigators, so it's along their line of work. then jodi, lauren and i went downtown to show her around downtown buffalo. the bisons must have just won their game because there were fireworks going off. we went by the marine area and saw the haunted navy ships so that was interesting. then we stopped by tim hortons and got coffee because it is jodi's favorite. then we went to wegman's and got some more disposable cameras and film. we came home and we watched angels in the outfield and went to bed. wednesday we got up and got ready for our day. then we headed off to parkside candy. the best location of them; the one off of main st. so we had lunch there (i got the university sandwich; it has roast beef, ham, turkey, swiss & american cheese, complemented with lettuce, tomato, and cucumber slices. so of course i had the tomatoes removed. and i got it on rye bread. it's so good. it's definitely the best sandwich ever.) and then we got our candies and headed on over to my aunt's house.(the one i was just up there for her husband) and her daughter, her daughter's husband and kids were over so that was definitely a pleasant visit. they are so awesome. one of her daughters is my 3rd cousin and she was named after me and she is so awesome she just makes me laugh. she's 10 now. after this we headed over to old man river (i got a hot dog!!!!!) then we went over on the waterfront and just relaxed. we took pictures, listen to the water, watch the boats and the jet skis. just sat in silence a while and enjoyed every second of it. it made me realize even more, not like i haven't already noticed more this week, how much i miss my buffalo and how i so long to be back living in my buffalo. well we stopped by city hall/police station (they are joined together) so i could get a picture of my grandfather from my dad's side because his picture used to be up in city hall because he was the mayor, erie commissioner twice, and he set up the waterfront park. so i went in there and they are renovating so the picture was taken down so now i have to call the mayor and talk to them about getting it or a copy of it. it was funny how rude they were being to me until the found out who my grandfather was then they started treating me like royalty. after this we went back to my aunt's house to wait for my father to pick us up for dinner. well he didn't get there until 8:30ish so we ended up just grabbing something to eat from friendly's so that tasted good but it was not the most pleasantful meal. everything that i had been looking forward to with my dad didn't happen and it sucked. so when we finally got back to my aunt's house after hearing five thousand stories about absolutely nothing i was relievedv. but although of that i still want to be back here so badly. after awhile of joking around with my uncle and everything else we went to bed. thursday i got up and ate a quick little something and got ready to go to the store with my aunt to get some last minute stuff for my cousin since she is leaving today for college. then not to long after we got home my cousins stalker person came by to tell her bye. he seemed nice but just a tad bit on the odd side. hehe. and shortly after my other aunt came to pick us up. so after very sad goodbyes that i did not want to make we left and headed towards downtown. well my aunt's parents are moving so she ended up having to help them out so she dropped lauren and i off at dunn tire park to watch the bison's vs. skychiefs. well we got a little sunburned. we definitely were not thinking about this one. it's ok though we had a good time. while i was sitting there thinking about all the times i had been to the bison's games as a kid and what other events we did on those days it made me long for living in my buffalo again even more. and as i watched the game and enjoyed it lauren was watching one of the players she thought was cute. i asked her do you even know what's happening and her response was yeah the cute guy is over there being bored in the grass. so that was quite interesting. after this my cousin and aunt picked us up and we went to the galleria and walked around for a while and met my uncle at this restaurant there called jack astor's. it was really good. it was exciting hanging out and talking with them. then my uncle took us to the airport. well our flight was delayed so we ended up having to get it changed to friday morning. so my aunt came and picked us up. then we stopped at dairy queen and got some ice cream. then we had my cousin attempt to take a drive by picture as she hung half way out the car while we drove down main st. so she wouldn't miss the store and ended up taking a shot of the tree in front of it. so after this we went home and got ready for bed and then went to sleep. so friday morning we got up at 4 and got ready and went to the airport. luckily we had no more delays. so we arrived in houston about 10:45. suzanne picked us up and we ate lunch and went home. then i went to see my manager at pappasito's because it was his birthday and i had told him i would come see him and i had a gift to give him. then i came home and we dropped my film off (i ended up with 12 rolls). we came home and i slept until this morning. lots of interesting things have happened today which i would rather not speak of right now so if you would like to know just ask me. but i had a wonderful time in ny. but as i passed flying tigers it brought me so many more memories and i realized that yes one day i will live in my buffalo again.

así que enojado.

so many things did not go right yesterday. it really hurt. i just wanted it to be great on my birthday for once. even though really today is my birthday i celebrated it with my family yesterday. it was all really great. except for one thing... him. ahhhh! no words to describe it. lauren's birthday was on thursday and everything went fine until we were at the restaurant she got really dizzy after 5 minutes of being there. after an hour we got our table and just placed our drink order and then she wanted to go to the bathroom. we went and that's when it all started. she started throwing up and couldn't stop. i felt so bad and there were no words for me to say to comfort her even though i tried in so many ways. i knew exactly how she was feeling. she's feeling a lot better now but i felt horrible for her all night. she couldn't even eat her favorite cake that michael made for her. she really liked all of her presents though. michael's was the best. he's so awesome and he definitely cares. i'm really happy lauren found him. he's definitely the best guy out there for her and treats her just the way she needs to be. i really feel like crying. i hate crying with a passion. why we have tears i will never know but it hurts. i wanted to be sleeping and i did for a little bit and then i couldn't really and i kept getting text messages from people telling me happy birthday but evenly spaced out enough 5 minutes after i'ld fall asleep i would get the next one. i'm glad i got them but i can't sleep. and i leave to my buffalo in 4 hours and i can't sleep on planes and my day is packed already so there is no time for sleep so i need to get it now and i can't even fall asleep. i got my willy wonka coat!!!!! (jessica i will wear it to our meeting with bill next friday just for you. even though the people in la madeline will think i'm crazy and need to go to a mental institute i know you'll be there to support me. hehe.) so now all i need is my top hat that i've always wanted even without the willy wonka coat. maybe i'll stumble upon one soon. i hope so. we ate at pappasito's for dinner it was awesome. i saw some people that i really needed to see. really one person. that's what really made my day. i can't wait until i get back from my buffalo to go and hang out with this person and just be surrounded by that sincere caring. getting that hug from that friend and letting me know it will be ok soon and they're there for me whenever i need something even if i were to call right now. that hug just lets me know so many things and i got that hug yesterday and that meant everything and i will get it again soon enough and i can't wait. it's definitely something i need right now. i can't wait to leave for my buffalo and my new york city with my best friend and show her to where my heart is and the area i love and long to be in again. there is this undying passion for it. hopefully one day shannon and i will move there for a while. at least a year. i can do some mission work there or even take a week or couple week long trips to canada. that would be incredibly awesome. how can a person be so rotten? how can they just want to keep the problem going all the time? why not change? why bribery? gosh. so angry.

loving today

today definitely went a lot better than the past couple of days. even though i did a lot of my english work which can be stressful it was a very peaceful relaxing day and i comprehended all of the work i did today which was great. that always seems to help for some reason. my phone was ringing a lot today but it was ok because a lot of the calls were solicitors so i could just hang up. then i went to the book store and tj maxx with my mom. i got this really cool phantom of the opera book so i was really excited about that. then i just chilled for a little bit and just took the break that i needed before i went to sue's. and that was just awesome it was only 6 of us but it went really great. it was more intimate today. then i got to hang out with lauren and michael for a little bit which was good we had good conversations. now it's lauren's birthday since really it is thursday and she is 20 so i called her right at midnight. i love her and i'm sooooo glad i have her as a bestfriend. today will be a good day. tonight we are eating at carrabba's and earlier on after michael and her are done with their lunch date i'm going to meet up with them so that'll be fun. i'm going to take some photographs tomorrow too. and i can't wait until we go to new york on saturday. i'm definitely going to take thousands of pictures there. i can't wait!!! and then not to long after we get back from new york i start back at pappasito's and that is definitely something i'm looking forward to. even though it sounds funny i'm excited to go back to work i love that job and yes i'm excited about it everyday i go in. i still get my title as head host which is awesome. God is so tremendous. the way He works is beyond me but He definitely listens to our prayers and takes care of them in His timing and His will. He's so great!! i wish i had those words i so long to have to describe how amazingly brilliant and awesome and tremendous He really is but i don't have them. which some people may say is a lack of vocabulary but i say it is because of how amazing He is. my 18th birthday is in 2 days! i can't wait! i feel like going around driving and just taking photographs. i wish. maybe i'll just dream about it.

catching up

well monday went pretty ok. the party was awesome though. i love those guys so much. mark and sarah got me chewy snacks!!!! i love chewy snacks! and then they got me this coin purse thing that's really pretty that i like a lot and they also got me these gorgeous green earrings! i love them! i had a lot of fun at 1317 though. it just felt good to be there with that person i'm so close with. we didn't get to talk to much about stuff that i wanted to discuss because there were some other people there but that's ok i guess. we can just talk when i get back from ny. which i really need to do. just let some stuff off of my chest and get a opinion on them. from the person i want that opinion from. now that i'm here i thought of about a million things for that black poster board... next week i'll just have to make him a new one. yesterday was ok. i just relaxed and tried to get away from stuff and i did this really cool artwork. i liked it a lot. (if you know me you know i don't like to many of my artworks but i love to do them anyways) so i'm going to put it on the wall in my apt. when i move out. today was pretty good though i completed 1 1/2 of my english books so that was great. yeah me. productive! tonight i'm going to community groups at sue's and that's going to be great. then i get to see amie (lauren) tonight which i'm so looking forward to. she turns 20 tomorrow!!! i'm so excited. which means i turn 18 in 3days!!! and that also means in 3days from today we go to my buffalo and my new york city!!! i'm ecstatic about that!!!! butterflies and hurricanes... i'm worried...